It was foretold many centuries ago by the wise and magnificent “dragon of the east” that we would meet. He told me that one day a man with a user name such as yours would appear. After he revealed to me of this startling information he gave to me seven golden scrolls. They too were magnificent and startling and as I began to open them the dragon smacked them out of my hands stating “ No child, silence your eyes, these are not for reading” I was startled but the dragon went on to say “ When the time is right, you will be able to read them without reading them and then you will know real power and your quest will be complete. But first seek the man with user name I have mentioned. He is the true blood and the only one who can save my people from the oncoming snow”…… Once he had revealed this last and startling secret, He fell over and died from heat exhaustion.

Well, I was dubious about the whole adventure but I took the golden scrolls anyway and traveled on the bus many, many miles. It was so many miles of travel that eventfully my feet began to bleed from lack of use, as feet are won’t to do. But whatever obstacles came into my path I refused to leave that bus, no matter how politely I was asked.

It all paid off. I made it to the summit of mount fugishi and united the seven golden scrolls at the base of the mountain, exactly as the dragon had repeatedly told me not to do. They glowed like the basking glorious light of a hundred minivan headlights. Once I was properly warmed from their obviously radioactive glow and stopped being startled, the scrolls formed a giant supercomputer. Engraved on the side of the wondrous machine, in five foot tall letters, were the words “believe, inspire and don’t use me for porn”. Based off of the prophesy that ties all these events together perfectly, I knew this was my one and only chance.

I unsheathed both of my typing swords and set to work. I journeyed the vast internet webspace looking your user name. I have not slept, not eaten, not ceased continually looking at pornography since my journey began.

Now by some some computer miracle, you have found me. And now you can finally achieve your ultimate life challenge by defeating the evil snow monkeys before they try and save eastern dragon Christmas. This is your moment of glory.

Or, more logically, you commented on one of my posts and I decided to add you as a friend. It’s one of those two things.