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Rank #3870 on Content
Level 319 Comments: Wizard
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- That's great advice, love is complex as **** man. I may not ha…
TrashCat will stab you with...
A few weeks after I arrived it was my and the other girls birthdays. Mine wasn't that eventful, but for the other girl the three of us went to her place, and I brought a bottle of....I don't actually remember what, scotch, cognac, brandy, something like that, something strong. To make things easier from now on I'll refer to the girls with letters otherwise shit gets confusing. The girl I was in love with is S. The girl I used to date is M.
So, M, the birthday girl, wasn't that big on alcohol, she was a complete lightweight first of all, and secondly she just really didnt like it from what I could tell. On the other hand, S seemed to enjoy it a bit too much and it took way too much for her to start ACTING drunk, let alone actually being drunk. Always thought that said quite a bit, it worried me a little. In the end we made up some drinking game where we basically just asked each other questions and took a drink every time cause no one either wanted to take or give dares for it to be a truth or dare type thing.
In the end me and S basically each drank half of the bottle, S started making out with M who's just awkwardly laying there like "k this is happening i guess". I suppose in hindsight that should be really hot or something, but honestly it just killed me. At that point I couldn't think of anything that ever made me feel worse than just sitting there, drunk out of my mind, watching, listening, to the two girls I cared about the most just making out. I think I started passing out, cause I know I took another drink and the next thing I knew is I was on the floor, my eyes were closed, I could feel my chest getting wet and- Oh I'm throwing up all over the floor.
So that was fun. Tbh, just remembering the taste of whatever that alcohol was still makes me a bit sick. Anyhow, with me being in the state I was, S half-carried/dragged me home (I wasnt too far) at which point I was saying a whole bunch of stuff that I knew I shouldn't be saying, and that she didn't even understand in the end.
I just couldn't get it out of my head that while we were all still conscious and normal, for the first time she acknowledged my love for her like it was the most normal thing. Everyone knew I was in love with her, she knew, I knew she knew, it was just like...mutually agreeing to ignore it for the time being. And now that I was drunk she was openly using it against me. Even in my severely intoxicated state it felt pretty bad.
After that we still had plenty of drinking nights, hanging out, truth or dare games, etc. and plenty of drama to go around. At one point, M confessed to me that she loved me. Perhaps because she realized I was finally not an option for her, or maybe something just changed. Regardless, it broke my heart. I was never, and I never thought I would be, in the position where I had to reject someone. To be someones unrequited love. Before she even finished her confession, she admitted that she didn't expect me to return her affections but she just had to say it. And it killed me, because I did love her. But..I love S more. It wasn't something I had control over. I knew how much pain my love for S was causing me for months at this point, and it would've been perfectly logical to jump ship and just be with M. But...I knew I couldn't. I didn't want to put M through that, being in a relationship with her when I knew that S would always be on my mind, always in my heart. So I rejected her, and it felt awful.
Around this time/after that our drinking games started to get more and more tense. I could feel S challenging me, and it always felt so confusing. She in general, as a person is so. SO. confusing. Nothing she says or does really makes sense. I knew she wasn't openly interesting in being with me yet, though I could see there was something there, and I knew she knew it too, I just felt I had to bide my time. Yet whenever I made a move I'd just walk into a wall, cont. (sorry for such a long story)
So here we are, playing drunken truth or dare, and she knows EXACTLY what I want, she knows whats on my mind, and I can feel her pressuring me, challenging me to do it if I dare. And that's how it started. From then on, pretty much whenever we got together and got drunk, it's just us making out nonstop, and M awkwardly sitting there since she's barely had any alcohol anyway. I felt guilty for doing this in front of her, but any guilt and negative feelings was completely washed over by the absolute feeling of bliss, perfection, and completion. Having S snuggled in my arms, laying on the couch now that we're all a bit tired and the "party" has died down a bit. That's all I ever wanted. In the back of my mind, I knew it was little more than an illusion though. I knew that the next day she'd go back to pretending like everything is normal and nothing happened, and I knew I'd have to deal with that. And that hurt. But right then, at that moment, it didn't matter. I could just savor it.
Before long I started to feel like this was just another tool to play with me though. The past several months all just felt like I was a yo-yo. Being pushed a way, then reeled back in before I was pushed too far, just to be tossed away again. Repeating over, and over, non-stop. Every time she'd do or say something to make me lose hope, to get close to giving up, she'd do something equally positive to make me "remember" what I've been feeling all along, to reignite my passion and keep trying. Push and pull, back and forth. But with each time it took less to crack me, and more to compose me. Every time it was becoming more and more clear that she was just doing it for her own amusement, or for whatever other reason. Of course it felt good to have those moments, but in the end, what's the point when I know that before long we'll just go back to "normal".
Meanwhile, M was also fairly unhappy about how S was treating me. I didn't like it but I still defended her. "She's not comfortable with her feelings, she just needs time". Soon enough though, another very vital person joined our little group. S' best friend. We'll call her L. I've heard bits and pieces about her up to this point, as she has of me. And we sort of vaguely remembered one another from back in the hellhole school where all four of us were in a few years before then anyway. Me and M met her when the three of us went to attend a play that S was in. I mentioned back in the beginning that I got really anxious and misanthropic eventually, and that's where I was then. I hated people, I mistrusted everyone, and that made me very distant and cold towards/around strangers, until I could see what kind of people they were. L was more or less the same way, she was quite the edgelord back then since her biggest compliment to a person was "I don't hate you". But soon enough we could both tell that we could be comfortable around one another, just like I could with M, and she with S. Being best friends and all.
After the play we all went to S' house and decided to have a sleepover. It should also be worth mentioning that 99% of the drinking party stuff happened at my place since there's no risk of judging parents and such. Pretty much as soon as we got there, S and M were like welp good night and just went to bed. The deal was that the three of the girls would share the big bed in the living room and I could have S' bedroom, I think? In the end me and L just spent the entire night on S' laptop watching random videos, doing buzzfeed-esque quizzes, and talking about each other.
At one point around like 4 am I just realized how comfortable I had gotten around her, there was no difference between the feeling of hanging out with M or S and with this girl that I literally just met like 12 hours ago. I kept this in mind and later on more or less insisted that she become like a "permanent addition" to our little group, meaning she'd come to all of our hang outs and drinking nights and such. cont. SORRY!
The very next time we were all together, we were getting drunk as per usual, playing our drinking games, we were doing our usual stuff, and at this point it wasn't even any daring or what ever, S would just sit next to me and start making out between turns. Which eventually just stopped the game entirely since we were too busy to pay attention. Also we all kissed each other once for a dare, so that was interesting. This particular party was also a sleepover so me and S were on the bed, M and L on the couch in the same room. Now I'm not a normal person by any measure so I'm used to going to sleep earliest at like 4 am, where as S was already getting tired by like 11 pm, so we were just snuggling on the couch and such when I noticed she was about to pass out at any moment so we moved to the bed and apparently it was sleeping time I guess. I'm pretty sure S was the only one who actually fell asleep though, she was out cold by midnight, and I dozed off at some point while I was just enjoying being there and cuddling. It's also worth mentioning that this was the first time we ever got this...far? No challenges, no dares, just a bit of alcohol, and straight to making out and cuddles, before going to sleep together. It's like she just needed an excuse to do the things and act the way she really wanted, and we all knew she had the highest alcohol tolerance of all of us so if none of us were too drunk, neither was she. I figured, the next morning would be the end of all of the games, and I took comfort in that.
Meanwhile, while I'm thinking about all of this and enjoying the present, M and L are laying on the couch with my laptop just talking and stuff, and at some point L was really, really obviously trying to get M to have sex with her. M being M, I don't think she even really realized what was going on but either way, nothing happened in the end. L tried super hard though, it was pretty funny. In the morning S and I were still just sort of cuddling and I figured, thats it, its sealed. It's finally over. L started freaking out about the mess from last night and just started cleaning everything, so that was pretty funny and adorable. S made breakfast, and later I washed the dishes.
I just remembered, it's worth mentioning the whole point of this sleepover was because S was about to leave for a week or two to go to Italy. As they were all making their way out, heading home/to the airport, S stopped at the door and gave me a kiss goodbye, and for a second everything was right in the world. Before I closed the door and realized I wouldn't see her for at least a week now. So that got me pretty down, but I waited. And I waited. I tried talking to her but I assumed she was too busy exploring and having fun, etc in Italy to talk too much. By the time she got home, I didn't even know. I tried to meet up with her twice after that but she was always too busy "with school". It didn't take long for me to recognize what was happening, the feeling of her slipping away. Barely talking to me, not seeing me, in the end I didnt see her for an entire month at that point. It was killing me.
In the mean time, I don't really remember at which point this started, but it was around then so I might as well put it here now, I started hanging out with L a lot more. Me, L and M lived very close to each other, whereas S was practically on the other side of the city. I'd come over to L's house so we could watch game of thrones, and she'd come to me. We also watched a bunch of movies together, she shared some of her embarrassing secrets like her love of really, really bad horror movies purely because they've got some old actor who hasn't been relevant in ages, only famous for one role. But I didn't judge her for it, it was pretty funny but it was more adorable watching the super strict edgelord unravel and turn into...well that.
I'm really sorry this is taking so long, the next comment should be the last one to finish the whole story!
So, by the time me and L reached the 3rd season of Game of Thrones, she said she'd like to have another sleepover so we could finish like, an entire season at once or watch some movies too. M couldn't come though, and S was still MIA, so L's mom didn't trust me enough yet, to allow her to go alone for a sleep over. But apparently it was perfectly fine for me to sleep over at her place. In her bed. 10/10 parenting. In any case, I was confused as fuck but obviously nothing happened, she went to bed, I lied down next to her and just did stuff on my laptop for a few hours till I got bored and fell asleep. At some point early on I started seeing her as the little sister I always wanted, and she felt more or less the same, saying she wished she had a big brother to protect her. Eventually she asked me if I could come pick her up from school every day, and I agreed since I don't really have anything better to do anyway.
Now something worth mentioning about all of these recent happenings is that I'm not very comfortable with physical contact with just anyone. Hugs, cuddles, all of that. But whenever we watched stuff, whenever we were on the bus, she'd lean into me and get cuddly at which point I'd just sort of freeze up and stay still. Later on I asked her what was up with all of that and she said she didn't really notice she was being that forward but admitted she was a bit interested in me. At one point while we were watching GoT she cuddled my arm, which meant my arm/hand was right in the middle of her chest. So I was just sitting there with the most awkward boner until I went home, and before anyone goes "SHE WANTED YOUR DICK, DUMBASS" she seriously didn't realize.
Eventually I realized these cuddles and such wont stop so I just relaxed and accepted it. But becoming comfortable with it meant that I would also get move involved. Like I really enjoy physical affection, not necessarily sexual. Just...hugs. Holding hands, cuddling, etc, hence the bliss earlier mentioned with S. The problem is, with comfort came curiosity. And when it comes to any sort of affection, I express it by slowly moving forward until I reach a boundary, basically just testing the other persons limits. Thing is, L didn't really have any. She was so comfortable around me, and lowkey a bit interested, she didn't mind anything. To cut this area of the story shorter, one thing led to another and before long there was all manner of groping on both sides and at one point she just started making out with me. This lead to us starting to date, but as good as all of that felt, as much as I felt that this I've been missing, I knew I couldn't just get in a relationship with her when I was still in love with S. I told L this as kindly and apologetically I could, and while it hurt her, she understood. There were so many layers of guilt at this point because now I was stuck between the affections of three girls. One who was too afraid to act on her true feeling/has been manipulating me this entire time. One who admitted her feelings but also gave up instantly. And one whose body realized she liked me before her mind noticed.
Now a while ago I mentioned that by this point I hadn't seen or properly talked to S in about a month. After all of this, a lot of stuff happened, very fast. First of all, I was talking to M at one point and she told me she was actually going out with S that night, to a club or something with some other "friends". Instantly that got me a bit triggered. So much for being too busy to even see me. Also, before mentioning S in this, she invited me to go with her. I'm definitely not a club type of person, so I said no thanks, but when I heard S is going, I tried to change my mind, I needed to see her! like, whats even happening anymore?!
But, suddenly it's too late, they're heading out gotta go bye. I don't think I ever felt more betrayed, more furious. Absolutely livid.
Alrighty, next one is definitely the end.
Now, I'm usually not the kind to get very angry. I don't blow up. I try my best to remain calm in any situation, but, yeah I blew up. I just couldn't believe it. So I did the only thing I could think of and that was to call L and ask her if she could just come out so I could vent to her. I think it's important to stress that I hate venting to people, I hate bothering my friends with my own problems. My friends are always telling me that I can talk to them about things that are bothering me, making me upset, but I just...don't. I'm too used to relying on myself. Well, today I couldn't. I needed someone else, and she was there for me.
I'm not overexaggerating when I say that I have never been more angry than I was then. But she talked to me. She listened to me, and she calmed me down. Like I said, a lot happened in this period so I don't remember the exact order of events, what happened when exactly, but moving on, the next big thing that happened soon after was S talking to me, and expressing that she thinks her friendship with L is falling apart, calling it a toxic relationship. I've seen the friendship between them and I knew how much they needed each other, and cared about each other, so I assured her, there's not wrong, and I told her to just calm down and talk to her about it. But nope, she apparently already made her peace with that and was content with letting the relationship die, even though she's still so obviously saddened by it. I couldn't understand the thinking behind this, it just made no sense. Then again, thats nothing new when it comes to S. So I thought, if she's not going to do something about this, I will. And I told L everything she said. By the way, in the beginning of this whole conversation with S she mentioned she was out of town with her family somewhere who knows where. L of course started to freak out cause she has no idea what S is going on about and immediately runs out of her home to go see S, at which point I tell her she's not in the city and that I'm on my way to meet her since she's already half way to me.
S get's enraged at what I did, but I figured it was worth it since now her insanity wont cost her their friendship, since S then calls L and says it's going to be okay, she's coming over to her place right now and then they can talk. But wait, how is she coming over when she's out of town? Oops, looks like she just lied to me for..whatever reason. Where was she actually? Well, later L told me everything they talked about, and it turns out she was at her
place, contemplating a threesome or something, as well as that she was planning on cutting me out of her life, as well as some other such fun stuff.
welp, this was the last straw for me. The yo-yo's string finally went and snapped. Earlier I mentioned I had never been as angry as I was then, but now? I didn't even know what it was I was feeling. It wasn't anger. It wasn't sadness, or jealousy. I suppose the best I could describe it is just despair. I was completely out of it. Everything was just over. There was no point in being here anymore, so I announced in our group chat that I'm leaving. M and L begged me to stay however, and I remembered that we still had a summer vacation planned so I decided that I'll give it until after that vacation. Once it passed I'd see what happens and what I would do.
In the mean time, M contacted L and asked her to convince me to stay, so L called me and asked if I wanted to meet up. I absent mindedly agreed and went to her, but I didn't talk much. I was still out of it, just staring into nothing. Eventually we went to sleep and I was still thinking before coming to a conclusion. L has been there for me every time I needed her. From the very first day I had a connection with her as strong as the one I've had with the two girls I've known for years. I turned to her and asked her if she could take her place, and forgive me. And she did.
The End! sort of.. There's still a lot more to that story, the whole aftermath of that one day, S' birthday which just happened a few days after that, the whole vacation we had planned together, and final crashing and burning of our little group.
I suppose I've typed out way too much already, and I doubt anyone would be interested in reading all of this, let alone even more. But for anyone interested, at this point me and L have been together for almost two years now~
What the fuckery fuck? you expect me to read all that shit? Thought it was the bee movie script first
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.
I read the whole thing. When I saw L M and S I was waiting for an A to join, ending the story with "Come on in SLAM and welcome to the jam." But I'm happy it wasn't. It had a nice ending, good read.
There's still plenty of drama though, the complete story finishes for good about six months or so after the point where I stopped~
I don't understand why people thumb you down. I know that what you did was out of place but you poured your heart out and told your story and I think everyone's story is worth reading. And to do what you did means that you were probably in a vulnerable spot and for people to thumb you down kinda irritates me. We've all been in a situation where we want to vent what's happened in our lives. Granted it was totally random. I mean it was like a 3 sentence post which you gave a short story reply to, but still.
Yeah I didn't really think I would post so much. But since I already started I figured I might as well finish it instead of leaving it incomplete or just deleting it~
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