Did... Did you do this?

No, sorry if I gave that impression :c

no shh it's ok, i still love it because its awesome

Nou~
Alright, sweetie <3

It's beautiful.

Nou~

It's one of waaay too few things involving AJ and Scootaloo.

Anyway, how are ya, cutiebot~?

Doesn't matter to me, though! I want to do something nice for you because you're so nice, you know? ^^

Okaaay~
Maybe something similar to this~?

And you're nice tooo~
Sorry I can't really make you anything beyond simple edits.

It's alright. Anything you do would be good enough for me!

I'll see what I can do with that, do you want the same characters too? Besides, most edits are better than what I can actually do. xD

Then I'll try to think of... something. No idea yet >v>

Nah, AJ hugging Scootaloo, of course~
You're modest, I'll give you that~
I'll also say that you're very good, cutiebot~
Don't put yourself down so much <3

My friends say that those artists who always see their art is bad, no matter how much they've improved, will continue to try and get better because they're never satisfied with how things look.

^^' It's more of a thing to get me motivated than to quit. Y'know?

Alright, I'll definitely do something like that, but I don't think I'll use color. I'm not that good with colors yet. x3

Yep~
Just don't go into a self-hating spiral. I couldn't let you do that to yourself, sweetie. No matter how wrong you are when you say you're not good >v>

Now you're doing that on purpose, aren't you~?

Well, not .. entirely. I really believe that my stuff is bad, but others tell me it's really good. So that's a big confidence booster. Plus, I really like having people say negative things about my artwork because it tells me there is room to improve!

Oh, I don't go into self hating things. I'm already super depressed, but I don't let it get me down! Ironic, right? I've just been in it for so long that I grew used to it. You know? I don't mope around all the time, but I'm cynical. :s

Except when it comes to super nice, awesome people. <3

I'll always tell you it's good, sweetie, because it really is~ ^^
I could try to tell you some things that look a little off and how you could fix them, but I'm not sure how useful I'd be at that, since I'd point out just about everything that's off from the original artstyle.

I can't tell you to stop being depressed, but I could certainly try to help you with it~
And speak for yourself, cutiebot <3

oh, don't worry having to help with that. It's okay. I've been doing it myself for so long now, it'd be weird to have someone try and intervene this late.

Anyways, I don't mean to get all heavy on you or nothing. I'll get better, there's no doubt in that, but I'm still feeling in the mood to draw. I may see what I can scratch up.

If you have anything you want to talk about, feel free to contact me. <3

I understand. I wouldn't be helping directly, though. Just being a positive thing for you would help in one way or another~
And don't worry about more serious topics. it's fine~

Of course, sweetie~
I'll chat with you a bit more often~
You're super cute and sweet, so I should have been chatting more with you from the get-go~<3

Eee <3 Thank you very much, you definitely know how to make someone feel super special ^^

And I don't really mind help with the deperession, specially on my bad days... but if I feel like that, I wouldn't mind talking with you. I just didn't think you'd want to, is all.

All of my friends make me feel special, too~
Especially you <3
Always glad to return the favor~

If you're feeling down, come talk to me, sweetie~
I'll see what I can do~

I-I've been alright! Just doing a lot of work related things... keeping busy. You know, same ol', same ol'.

How are you guys?

Good~
Just don't work yourself too hard, sweetie~

Phanny broke up with me. Figure you might wanna know.
I'm doing pretty good, though. Just chatting with friends at the moment~

What? That's terrible! What happened? I always thought you two were super cute together!

And I'm not really trying to work too hard. I'm doing alright where I'm at. It's not that bad.

Should I copy-paste the summary of how my trip to visit him went?

Good~
Got one friend who does work too hard... He's always super tired and barely has time to be with his friends. It's not a good thing.

Um, if you're comfortable with that, I guess I wouldn't mind.

Don't share anything you don't want to, y'know?

But yeah, I've got a lot of friends who work all the time. They sort of let it be their only thing in life. I haven't seen them in a while because they live a town over and have been working constantly. They don't try and reach out to me, anymore. Probably because I never get on Facebook.

There's just so many times someone can get a Candy Crush request before they just stay out of it for good.

I'll drop it in a mo, unless you're about to sleep it shouldn't be a problem.
And I'm fine sharing any of it. Just not sure if phanny would be too pleased telling others of how he treated me.

Kek
I don't think Candy Crush is a good friend keeper~

You're... Right. There's hardly any AJ/Scootaloo things.

I'm going to have to change that eventually.

Sounds good to me~

Alright, well... I'm really curious as to how this went down... I'll read it as soon as you hand it off. I won't tell Phanny, I swear.

I don't think Facebook is a very good friend keeper. I usually have all of my closest friends on Skype. That's my social media. That and FJ.

I have really low standards when it comes to this sort of thing.

[3:01:33 PM] Doktor King Wiggly: And well, he made me sleep in the second bed in the hotel, instead of the one he was in. Told me to **** off when I accidentally woke him up to snuggle him. Didn't care when I fell in the shower and hurt both my thighs and my head. Told me, basically "Don't touch me, don't be near me, you make me feel like **** , you're too clingy" Paraphrasing, but the same meaning. Did I forget to mention this was all in the same day? After that, I just gave him his space. All he needed. I just hung out with Dashi the rest of the con. And even then, I'd try to lay down with him at the end of the day, a day full of him hanging with his new friends while I hang with his ex, and he'd say that's too much and make me sleep in the other bed.
[3:01:53 PM] Doktor King Wiggly: Just my hand on his arm, and he says I'm too clingy
[3:02:20 PM] Doktor King Wiggly: I couldn't be loving to him at all, so it made me feel aweful and neglected

This is just some of what went down. Doubt you'd wanna see more.

And same. All I have is FJ and Skype. I've still got plenty of friends to keep my company, though~

Awh... That's terrible, Wiggly... I thought Phanny was better than that, but ... I don't think that's something he can come back from. Not unless he apologized with special gifts or something... Even then, I'd still say that he's lost some of my respect and admiration.

I'm very sorry you had to go through that stuff, Wiggles. If you feel like you wanna talk about this more, y'know vent or something, I can listen and offer any help I can. I would have at least snuggled. ;-;

That's great, I think that after what you went through you could use a little friend time. I don't have a lot of FJ friends on Skype. I've got two, I think. Andy and another personal friend.

I've come to find out that I do have a few fans on this website. So that's something cool. I've never had fans before. I'm sort of giddy just thinking about it. >w<

Goodnight, cutiebot~
I gotta go, but maybe we can chat later~

Sorry about last night, Wiggles. I just sort of passed out at my computer. Ha. I had a really long day.. I hope your day is going really great!

I'd love to chat again, Wiggly. You're always awesome. c:

-cuddles-

Don't worry about it. People passing out mid convo has happened before. Just try to make sure you hit the hay, and not the keyboard next time, okay sweetie~?

Also, my day is going pretty good~
I just hope yours is as fantastic as you are~<3

*snuggles you back*

>//w//< You're so sweet~

Here, I got lazy near the end, but just a little lazy something to help the AJ/Scoots issue.

I'll do more, and better, things in the future. Lol.

I'm at least as sweet as the person I'm speaking to~
Let that sink in, cutiebot~

Thank you very much for making that pic <3
You say you got lazy, but I really can't tell. It looks great~ ^^

Awwh! >w<

Of course! I mean, I kinda wanted to do something better than what I did, but .. I worked on it for a good few hours, I'm not too thrilled with how AJ turned out, but I've practiced Scoots quite a bit.

I just need to keep practicing. <3

<3

Well, your AJ turned out pretty good, too~
Other than the body just being a bigger version of Scoot's, the mane and tail would be the mane differences. Those turned out pretty well, so I don't think you have much to worry about for this pic~

They say practice makes perfect, but what's the point if you already are~?

It's a bigger version? Well, I did try to use a similar sort of arc for the back, so I guess that's fair to say.

But yeah, I've got another one in the works and this one was more for fun, if anything else. And believe me, I'm far from perfect. I've got a long way to go.

But, um... Do you want something in particular? I'll make it for you, because you're so sweet and cute and stuff. ^//^

There's some slight differences, but otherwise bodies are mostly the same. My point was more that the mane and tail might be something you're not too familiar with, but you still did a good job anyway~

Nobody's perfect, sweetie... buuuut, some people sure can get close~

You're awfully sweet yourself~<3
I don't like asking for things, though. If I can't do something equally nice in return, then it doesn't feel right.

Thanks, but I've vented a bit already. That's a bit from when I vented to another friend about it.

Phanny just says that's how he is, and so on. He said he must still not be ready for a relationship. He's said he's sorry quite a bit, but that's about it. He thinks it was a good thing he treated me like that for the majority of my visit because it made the breakup easier, but the only problem with that is that he said he was only sure he'd break up with me on the last day. 4 days of being treated like **** , but only the last one was with good reason.
It's obvious why I don't love him anymore...

Also, I'd like snuggles from you~
They just couldn't be anything more than snuggles because you're a girl >v>

I dunno Andy >v>
I could add you if you'd like~
I've got a few, but nowhere near as many as some people.

Of course you have fans~
You're a great artist~
You showed huge improvement from your earlier posts in ponytime to some of your more recent things~

Hey, what's wrong?

Just.. you know. Isn't that hard to figure out with me, I'm a pretty open book despite being very reserved..

It's never fair to assume anything about anyone. I prefer it if people tell me what's going on so that they begin to vent.

At any rate, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. I'd just like to know what's going on with you, is all.

I went through a little bit of a self harming withdrawal yesterday, Vivian was there to ensure that I wasn't going to do anything bad, I went to bed an anxious wreck

Inks, you know that hurting yourself doesn't help anything. It's a temporary fix. It's like getting drunk or getting high. It doesn't solve your problems and it doesn't bring you any closer to fixing them.

I still don't understand this self-hate. I've only got one idea, and it's that you either feel guilty about something, or you just don't feel like you look like you should on the outside that you feel on the inside. That's a big reason that some trans people self harm.

I know this, but when I get like that, common sense just goes out the window..

That is true.. it's a tip of the iceberg but it's part of it, why I do it..

Hey.

I watched half of Season 5.
Episode 9 was like the writers flushed all their integrity down the toilet.

Nah, I liked the episode. It was supposed to be a shoutout to all of the fandom.

While I don't agree with 'fan-pandering' episodes, I don't really think that the episode was meant to be serious. I thought the jokes were clever, but it was really just a huge shoutout to the fandom.

As an episode on its own, it's .. eh.

But if you take it as it is, then it's okay. Gave a little more insight into some of the fan's favorite characters. Including the relationship between Lyra and BonBon.

I really liked how they portrayed Celesta/Luna.

I just wish they had done entire episodes devoted to those tangential storylines rather than a little two minute cameo.
And the speech at the end by the Mayor was god awful writing.

Eh, I think it was the typical sort of 'friendship and love brings people together' sort of thing. It was just one of those typical speeches that don't really mean anything in the long run.

I think they had some time that they had to fill, so they went and just did a speech.

I think the reason why they did all sort of smaller stories into one episode because they wanted to cover the whole town at once. I would love to have seen another derpy episode, with just Derpy.

But I'm not against the episode. It's not one of their best, but I don't think it was intended to be. It was supposed to be a "Thanks for watching the show, guys, thanks for supporting us" kind of thing.

I guess. I just saw it more as capitulation to rather than an accolade of the fans.

Don't you think that seems a little cynical?

I mean, most shows that have a large fanbase would do at least one fan pandering episode. Wasn't that episode the 100th episode? So they wanted to do something special for the fans? I can't recall.

While I don't agree with fan pandering and would much rather see something with a story arc, I just think that episode wasn't meant to be serious. I mean, they had a changeling in the audience. In any other real episode, it would have been chased out of town. Or worse.

Yeah, but MLP does fan pandering in pretty much every episode now.
And comparable shows that have done similar things aren't as transparent when they do it.
I don't know. I have yet to watch the rest of S5.

Hi.

How are things..?

Not too well.

How are your things?

Same, really

I'm channeling my negative emotions through art and metal music.

How are you dealing with yours?

Playing Civilization 5 and avoiding food

Any reason why you're avoiding food, or is it a diet thing?

I shouldn't eat.

Eat if you want to. It's not what you eat, it's how much. I was told that you're allowed to eat frequently throughout the day, but the portions can be no bigger than the palm of your hand.

Then, as long as you walk at the end of the day, you'll be fine. Unless you're looking to lose a lot of weight or something, then this helps keep you fed and healthy.

At least, that's what my family physical therapist told me.

Hey, Inks. Merry Christmas. :3

Also, Shadow says Merry Christmas, too! I guess he still can't really talk to you that well.. He's getting there, though.

I hope yours is good too..

Didnt expect that.. i hope his holiday is the best he can have

Are you still feeling as horrible as you were? .. Or worse?

Yeah.. still pretty crummy..

Did you at least get to feel a little better about who you are, so that you aren't playing into everyone's preconceived notions about you? You aren't having to live up to anyone's standards... Isn't that something of a relief?

I don't know how I would rectify that when I always feel like ****

You always feel like **** ? Just. Always. No matter what. There's no happiness in your life. You don't wake up in one of your favorite positions or something or go look outside and see the sunrise, or something.

Instead of looking at all the beauty around you, you want to focus on the negatives that's bringing you down? I know that I'm a piece of **** . I feel like garbage all the time. I hate my life. I hate myself. I want to die, 80% of the time. I don't feel like I'll ever amount to anything. I feel like I'll be in a lower income bracket for the rest of my life and I'll struggle because I can't get into college.

My friends don't visit anymore. The only real people I talk to are family and my single friend who comes over to visit every now and again. I've only got one friend. I'm not dating anyone, though God knows I've tried. I'm lonely, all the time, and I'm about to turn 22. At my age, people are making families and have a career set out.

I don't. I'm worried. I'm scared. I have to live through every single day as if I'm just marching to my death bed in this horrible existence that I don't want to be apart of. I'd kill myself, but I'm just too damn scared to do it. All I want to do is just live happily, but I know that because of the decisions I've made, I can't do that. I'm going to be struggling for the rest of my life and there is no other way out than death.

I'm ****** every which way. I hate my life. I hate everything. I want to die. I'm in the same boat you are, Inkie. I don't have medication. I don't have someone who actually LOVES me the way that Quill does you, I'm an absolute wreck.

I keep myself steady, I keep myself happy. More like, I distract myself from the crippling depression and the social/economical struggles I have daily.

You know what I do instead of focusing on myself and my problems? I help people with theirs. Or, sometimes I fail at that, I'm not perfect. In your case, I believe I can't do anything to help you, at all. I've been trying and trying, but I don't know what to do. Do you know why, Inkie?

BECAUSE I'M IN THE SAME BOAT THAT YOU ARE.

How can I possibly help you when I can't even help myself? I'm just living until I die.

I won't be happy throughout most of it, but I do try and find the small things that keep me happy.

The sunrise. A cup of coffee. A game. A friend. A hug. Puppies. Kittens. That TV show I like.

It's not some grand gesture that'll save you from this depression, Inkie. It's always the small things. It's kept me alive this long and I haven't tried cutting myself, because that's just another negative in the sea of sorrow that I'm drowning in. I'm tired, Inkie. I'm really tired and I just want to go home.

What happens when those small things that used to make you.. content or happy run dry? What if you belittle yourself to the point where you feel that your lover is just gonna find someone better because you think you're nothing? I want to help others but I can't help myself so I just dig myself in deeper too..

what are we to do?

If those things that make me happy eventually stop making me happy, then I think that's it for me. There's nothing left. The optimist inside of me would say "Go look for something different to do, find something that you love and try and stick with it. Give yourself a reason to be happy."

Though, she's not home right now. If those things go away, well.. I don't have a reason to live anymore.

Count your blessings. Your lover is still with you. Make the most of it. If she goes to someone else later on, who cares. Don't worry about that now. Enjoy her while you have her. It's what I learned. Don't take things for granted. You'll miss them the most when they're gone.

At the moment, I have very little reasons to live. I know where my step-dad keeps his gun stored. If I ever reach that point where not even the sunrise gives me a happy thought, then it's game over for me.

Everyone has their limits. I'm very close to mine, but you still have a reason to live. I've been living on optimism alone. Don't make Quill sad.

i hope you aren't going to do anything bad..

I will eventually, but that's not your problem.

I plan on burning all my bridges before that.

i hope.. he is doing well, at least

Shadow? Yeah, he's alright. Doing decently.

He lost his job and his computer is on the fritz, but once he gets his computer back from the shop, I think he'll be okay.

how did he lose his job..?

Something about performance.

Time for what, Inks?

I think it's time I confront him.. if he's ready..

Well... Okay, but just remember, try and keep the emotional stuff down to a minimum, okay? ...

He's still somewhat fragile, and I'd hate for him to have a relapse.

he has been doing better, yes..?

Mhm, a lot better. He hasn't been needing my help at all, lately. He even bought some new headphones that are shaped like cat ears. They're neat, but I wouldn't wear them in public. xD

I'm afraid that as soon as he hears me, he's going to go back down..

Well.. I'll talk with him about it, see how he feels. I'll be back with an answer, if/when he answers me.

Okay..

Well, in the mean time, I'm doing pony OC for Ponytime for the Holiday season and since you're so well versed in twilight sparkle, I was wondering if you've got an idea I could use for inspiration.

I thought about having Twilight Sparkle opening up a Spike in a present, but ... Seems dumb.

I wouldn't really know how to help, I don't know what kind you're going for..

well, I did one involving Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo. It's been a while since I did anything pony related since this picture, but I think it turned out decent.

I'm wanting to try the same style on a Twilight Sparkle and Spike, but I don't have an idea for a scene.

you could always have them in their castle..

Yeah, but doing what? You know?

I'll figure it out, I guess. Thanks, anyway, Inks.

Spike could be popping out with a little bow on his head and Twilight would be giggling warmly to herself

No, Shadow isn't ready to apologize yet.

Maybe I'm not either..

He, apparently, had a rather rough time, lately.

He's holding up surprisingly well.

I'll be waiting until he's ready.. even if I'm not

Well, how have you been?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I actually had that scribbled up before I went with the RD/SCoots thing.

But yeah, I think that would probably be the best course of action.

Thanks again. ^^

Inkie, you're not an idiot. C'mon.

So far, you're proven to me to be a very lovely individual. You're sweet, when you want to be, you're caring, you've got more drive in life than most of the people I know, you care about things larger than yourself, and all that's dragging you down is yourself.

Inkie, you can feel better, worlds better even, if you only want it. I'm not saying throw away the emotions, because that insecurity will always be there, but cutting yourself doesn't stop the insecurity, it emboldens it.

You're always going to think badly of yourself because you aren't focusing on how to get better, you're focusing on all how you're bad that you just overlook the good qualities you have. I see them, I wish I could find a way for you to see them too.

I don't like thinking of myself as anything good.. I am what others say that I am, I've been molded and socialized into what I am today, and I continue to change..

... Hm.

I'm sort of getting a feeling that you're being told that you're all these wonderful things, but you don't feel like you fit into the mold. They're sayiing that you're amazing and that you're always beautiful and all of these things, then you're having a lot of added pressure on you to BE those things, but you don't feel like you are, so then you hate yourself for not being up to the standards that you think everyone thinks of you.

Am I anywhere near right?

Well.. that, and some other things that go along with it..

Hm...

What other things do you think go along with this?

now that i've read that again.. it's pretty accurate..

Hm..

You do realize that when people are telling you these things, it's what they see you as, as you are? Unless you're not acting as you want to act, but instead how you think they want you to.

Hon, they just want you to be who you are. Be who you feel like on the inside, it will resonate how you are on the outside. People will say things like, "You're sweet, you're cute, you're funny", all of these things, but you don't have to try and fit that mold.

You just be yourself. It will be a world of difference. I think you'll find that people will still love you for who you are, not what you try to be. Just be you. Don't worry about disappointing anyone, if you do, so what? If they leave you for that, then they weren't your friends to begin with...

Honestly, I think that what you really need is just to restrict your social interactions with those that you're really close to. Try and relax, getting away from all of those social pressures could be a wonderful thing for you. You don't have to shut out friends, but it's clear that you need some time to deflate.

I hear people saying that you and Quill are the cutest couple on the ponytime boards, so it's safe to assume that you go there often. I also think it's safe to assume that you've gotten quite a few friends from there who shower you with admiration and praise, but you see it as standards to live up to incase you disappoint them.

I'd really like to know what you think about this idea...

I don't really know what to think now.. it hurts to think..
I can't restrict my interactions with her.. she matters far too much to me.. even though I know she is so far out of my league

I haven't eaten all day.. I have no motivation to do any of my final papers..

Is it Quill putting you into a mold that you don't feel like you fit? Or is it everyone else?

Doesn't Quill help you feel complete? Warm inside?

she doesn't do such a thing like that, she's my whole world, she's all I think about..

Then I think taking a break from the social stuff can be good for you, but.. keep her close. If she helps you along and keeps you happy, then I think talking and focusing with her on yourself would probably be the best thing.

I think taking a break from those who just shower you with unwanted compliments would be a good thing. Be with the one who actually thinks you're those things and way more.

If it's everyone else making you feel like you are forced into a mold, then restrict your communication with them. Just ... avoid them, for now. If you have to, tell them you're doing it for your own mental health. Even if it's me.

You need to focus on who you really are. Not what everyone else wants you to be. Be yourself with Quill, learn how to be okay with yourself. Then, when you're ready, come back and share yourself with those you feel like are close enough to you. You don't have any molds to fill other than the ones you choose. People will still love you, even if you aren't perfect. After all, no one is.

i think.. actually that stuff you've said.. about wanting to be in a mold.. has been a lifelong thing, not a recent thing, but it does happen here.. i try to do what i'm told because I just want to be liked, not hated..

Then I think the option is up to you, Inkie.

What do you want to do, here? What do you feel is the best course of action? Take control...

you know what I want to do..

but all I can really do is wait for blackquill to get here.. if she gets here..

she's the light of my life..

Then do it, Inkie. Do what you feel like you want to do. Not what others think you should.

Love, Inkie. <3

...

...


Too cheesy?

No.. I just don't really know what to do

I really don't.. I don't want to leave..

You don't know what to do... but you should make your own decisions...

Hrm... This is very, very tricky, Inkie. I would say do what you feel like you should do, but .. Not knowing what to do.. It could be very frustrating.

Perhaps asking Quill what to do would be a good thing to try? ..

What I think you should do is just take a breather. Just take a break from all of this and deflate. Be with Quill, relax. Be yourself. Learn to do what you really want, not what other people do.

So, it's all up to you what you do, hon. I want to help, but ultimately, you're in control of your life and no one has any authority over you.

Well right now Im lying in my bed not doing anything

Hello there, lovely.

What pleasure do I have greeting such a beautiful person today?~

Erm.. I'm not though..

Well, too bad. I think you are. You've really done nothing to make me think otherwise...

So, what's going on? :3

Just resting in bed.. thinking about recent and upcoming events..

Oh boy.. I really hate laying in bed, thinking about crap.

I always freak myself out, and I always go to the worst case scenario...

Dinner is not settling so well too..

Jeez. You're in for a roller coaster of a night then, huh? .. Have any pepto? Stomach stuffs?

Looks like I passed out before it would have made a difference

Well, how's your tummy, now?

It's fine, I'll be okay, I think..

How are you personally? .. Feeling okay?

I know that I may say some outlandish things, but I really do mean all the best.

I feel gross..

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty hollow.

after a whole day, I still feel like **** and I hate myself lots and lots..

Inkie, why do you hate yourself?

Like, legit reasons. Do you think you're a bad person?

yes.. and everything that might encompass being a bad person is why I hate myself

Inkie, are you stomping on babies in your downtime? Invite me for that, I'll bring my steel boots.

Uhm.. no..

I just never liked myself or whatever I did.. it was all the little and big things that.. well..

It's not a good time because I really wanna do that "thing" again to myself

Honey, that was a joke, what I said.

I thought humor would help a little. I mean, it helps me.

Well, certainly there are REASONS as to why you dislike yourself? Those reasons can be dealt with and we can try and help you like yourself a little more, you know?

I know you said things like, "I don't like what's on the outside."

Sometimes, what you need, is a way to talk out these emotions instead of people telling you nice things to try and distract you from it. You need to come to terms with these emotions or else they'll never go away. It won't matter if the whole world calls you beautiful, if you don't believe it yourself. Believe me, it took a long time to try and find something to help me feel like I'm worth something. I made small changes and I feel a little more whole because of it.

sorry.. I'm an idiot

I don't know where to begin

I just want to go back to sleep and not wake up until next year

scootabot? are you here?

Yeah, I'm here. Sorry. What's up?

I had a slip up today..

Slip up? .. Oh, Inkie, what do you mean...?

you know the stress I've been dealing with about.. classes and papers and work..

Right before I left my printmaking class, our instructor "reminded" us of a 5 page paper that needed to be due the next time we see him, which is Monday

As if that wasn't bad enough, one of the classes I was scheduled for over the Spring semester was dropped and I can't find a suitable replacement to keep my full time enrollment, so I can't give my boss, who is determining whether or not I will work at the hockey arena anymore, the schedule for my Spring semester because he has to know which days are off to see when I can and cannot work so something like this doesn't happen again. But if he does take me back before Friday, it's likely he will have me down to work all weekend long for the Disney on Ice event that's in town and I will not have any time to work on any of my papers, so I just kinda snapped and relapsed

I just really hate life today

Oh Inkie. I'm really sorry you're dealing with so much **** right now. If I had any say, I would definitely come and try and lessen your burden, but the best I can do right now is just offer some advice.

The best thing you can do right now is deal with the biggest matter at hand. That's the paper. You should try and get the paper done... I know it sounds hard, but you can do it if you really just have a few hours and some perseverance. I remember typing a full on essay right before history class. I got a C- on it, but hey...

I would talk to my boss about the scheduling issues, tell him that things are getting a little hectic with your school schedules, see if he'll understand.

Then, I would go to the school guidance counselor, they will almost always help you find a class to help fill your Spring schedule. It's kind of their job.

It's a lot of heavy stuff, but you have to take them as the blows come. You know? Each every little blow you take can seem like a lot if you focus on it all at once. Take it as it comes, plan ahead, it's the best thing you can do as you grow up. Believe me. There are some things you aren't really capable of dealing with on your own, there's no shame in asking for help.

This will all be over and dealt with before you know it, just keep trudging on and you'll eventually be where you want to be. Try these things and see if they will have any sort of impact, if not, then... Maybe there's just a difference between what you think you need to do and what you want to do. Which is more important? Schooling or work? That will only come down to it if you want it to, but I would suggest talking to your boss and the counselor to see what the best course of action would be.

I'm trying so hard right now.. I can't begin writing it tonight because I'm busy making 2 papers for tomorrow..

Take each day one at a time. Don't overload yourself. Work and school is important, but you're also important. Take time for yourself while dealing with these issues.

Believe me, you'll definitely wish you had.

Don't completely shun responsibility, but don't forget that you need your time as well.

Think about relaxing whenever the paper is done, or perhaps, take breaks throughout. Make the load easier. It's what I did when I had a huge paper to write. I would write a page, take a fifteen minute break, and go back into it.

But if you feel like you can go the entire two pages, or however long it is, then go for it. Just remember that you need rest, too. Don't stress yourself out too much. You're in control, whether you see it or not.

I forced myself into doing it all and I come back to see some anon giving me **** about... him.

Whatever, it's bedtime anyways..

I think the sooner that you two can get together and say your apologies, the better. You're both too guilty about one another...

I think you both need some closure.

I'm nervous that I'm just gonna mess him up by saying something stupid.. again..

He's doing his own thing, now. He seems to be doing a lot better. Hardly needs me anymore, though he likes me talking with him.

How are you holding up?

Well.. you know.. dealing with a different set of issues myself along with that guilt

Don't feel guilty, anymore, Ink.

It's fine. He's already trying to date someone else. Relax.

It's gonna take me time

And there is no guarantee I'll ever move on

Honey, didn't you already move on? You're with Quill now..

The best thing to do is just wait until Shadow is in the better state of mind and just apologize to him. Get that closure you need.

Why do you always post Twilight pics? I like them and they make me want to draw.

I think I just need that closure you're talking about..

I blame Friendship Games because she's.. a pretty good self representation

True.

And yeah, I think closure will do you both some good. Do you want me to talk to him about it and see if he's in the right state of mind to have a conversation with you without breaking down?

I don't think I can face him yet..

It's okay, it takes time for these things to heal. Just know that he already wants to apologize to you and you want to apologize to him.. Things will be okay, you just have to focus on getting better..

No matter how bleak things might seem right now, it's always darkest before the dawn. You will be okay and I would like to be here to offer a shoulder, if you ever need it.

Other than that.. the problems I have right now are just finishing these final 2 weeks of classes without crashing and burning. And I have to say.. I haven't self harmed (well, physically) since August and it becomes more and more tempting everyday just to blow off steam that way. Just seeing blood calms me or... puts me in a different mindset

I remember once, I did it during a lecture and I'm certain that others saw. It just feels too good.

Other than that again, I just wished things turned out differently.. oh **** , I just remembered, I'm gonna have to call my boss at my job tomorrow to see if I'm still employed..

Inkie, what you just described to me is someone with issues.

Cutting yourself NEVER works. It doesn't do anything but make you feel and look bad. I used to try it when I was in High School, I was overly emotional and one could call me an emo. But, hon, I think getting some medicine will go a long way to help you.

Why would you want to self harm, anyway? And in public? Are you looking for attention? Why does the sight of blood calm you down? More importantly, what are the issues that you're dealing with that would ever validate cutting yourself? Maybe talking through these things will help you, I know that having someone to talk to always helped me out when I was in a bit of a pickle emotionally. Still does.

I talk to Wiggles a lot, now, but you really can't just do these things to yourself! When you hurt yourself, you're hurting everyone who cares about you! Even now, I'm feeling a twinge of guilt for not being there to stop you from doing it, and we've only been on okay terms for a week or so.

I care about you, even if we haven't really been friends, it hurts me to see someone hurting themselves physically because they're mentally hurting. Hurting yourself physically will never help the mental pain, it'll only create permanent scars to temporary situations that can be talked through..

I've been an addict for it for nearly 3 and a half years. It usually occurs when I just feel like I deserve punishment, I do it to attempt to get out of a low state of mind, I do it out of mental frustration and sheer self hatred.. I could go on. It's like.. "nature is calling" me to solve my self anger or hatred or whatever.

I guess there is some things you don't quite know of me yet.. I do take meds, I have been since I was 12. Prozac, Celexa, Trazodone, Zoloft, Buproprion, none of them really work.

Then the problem isn't a chemical imbalance.

What you need is therapy. If all of those medicines didn't help you out, perhaps seeing a professional psychiatrist can help you.

Of course, I'm more than willing to try and help you in any way I can. The first step to recovery is to stop trying to get rid of the issue. Cutting yourself isn't going to help get rid of the issue at hand, talking about it, thinking it through, and coming up with a proper solution to the issue at hand will help you far more than cutting yourself because you feel that you deserve it. Believe me. I've been there.

I'd love to get to know you better, Inkie, but I think having me as a sort of support wouldn't hurt either. If you have an issue and you feel like cutting yourself, please, come to me and I'll help you however I can!

Even now, if you want to, just talk to me..

I am in therapy.. I do see doctors.. the first time I was in therapy, I was 7.. been in and out since.. I feel like it can dmonly do so much but the self hatred, scootabot, is so unreal I can't put it into words

Alright. Let's touch on why you hate yourself so much.

Why? What is there to hate?

I don't know. Maybe I was always told I was selfish. Maybe I was never taught to love myself. Maybe it's the abuse by my stepfather since I was 5 and he acts like everything is okay. Maybe its that I am so prone and vulnerable that I **** up regularly. One of the reasons is my body and how much I detest it with smoldering ganger. That I think I contibute nothing to anyone or whatever is around me. That no one has ever said with sincere words that I am beautiful or whatever.. or even acceptable.. I can't really say which is the real culprit but.. I'm just a wreck that seems to suck down others into it..

You don't see any self worth, huh?
.. Yeah, that's how I feel about 90% of the time. People treat me like garbage, my family constantly abused me growing up, I was physically abused by my step-mother who constantly wished I would just die.

She would starve me for days at a time and leave me locked in a bedroom, but I didn't say anything because I wasn't brave enough to stand up to her. As I grew up, I became a little more bold, but with that confidence came a whole new slew of challenges. People would think that I was trying to get in their faces when I stood up for myself ant hey mistook it as a challenge to them personally, which got me into a lot of fights.

Every day, still, I'm being wrangled up into a group and being forced to undergo horrible treatment by people who I thought were supposed to be supportive of me. Lately, however, it's died down quite a bit, and for that I'm thankful.

Inkie, you have to find value in yourself. Even if you don't see it, others will. Honestly, I see value in you right now. I don't know you personally, but I do know that you have a heart and it is hurting. You cared for Shadow and you love Quill. That's value right there. You don't need some huge thing to define you, it's the smaller things you do in life that define you as a person. From what I've seen, you aren't selfish... I may have said that before, but that was because I didn't bother to get to know you and I'm deeply sorry for what my words may have caused...

Everyone makes mistakes, Inkie. Heck, just today, I spilled tea all over my television and broke it. Sure, I'll miss that television, but I know that it was just an accident. Blundering is how people learn, sweetie. Making mistakes is natural in every persons' life.

Inkie, I don't know what you look like, but I don't need to to know that there is a beautiful person inside of you, just waiting to come out. All of these emotions of self doubt and anger towards yourself only pushes that beauty further down. If you would give yourself a chance and stop living in this world where you're your worst enemy, you'll find that life isn't so bad.

I found worth by drawing. It's something small, yet fun to do.. I don't do much else. I'm unemployed as it stands, I rely heavily on my parents.. I'm single.. I don't feel like I contribute anything.. But drawing really helps me break through that mold of "i'm a failure and no one likes me".

I can tell you this, Inkie. I like you. I think you're very sweet and have the potential to be even more than that. Inside of you, you've got unlimited, untapped potential. You can do anything you set your mind to, if you work hard enough, you can accomplish anything. All you have to do is try. You seem too timid to want to, but I want to help break you out of your shell.

As for what your stepfather did, that is not your fault.. But I know how it feels to have constant scrutiny of just being yourself... It sucks, it's painful.. It helps to know that there are other people out there who went through the same things you are and made it out.. Your stepfather isn't right in doing what he's doing.. It makes me angry to hear that stuff like this is still happening..

I'm sorry stuff like that happens to you.. and I know you're sorry and I do forgive you for that.. it's just gonna take a while for me to forgive myself for what I did to him, but you know that already..

I draw too.. I'm even trying to get my Bachelor's degree in Fine artistry but I don't think I'm any good at all..

I just wished that how I feel inside, how I should look, is how I really am on the outside, but it isn't..

I don't really know what to say right now..

Was what I said too contrived?

Sorry...

It's just a lot to take in and I'm not really good at taking in stuff like this

And when I say beautiful and the sort, no one has said that to my face.

You can take this sort of stuff in at your own pace... I can tell that a lot of people care about you, and doing that to yourself will hurt them too.

I don't think anyone has called me 'cute' to my face, but I get it all the time, for some reason.

Hey, what's going on, Ink?

As of now, I'm freezing, listening to music and my face is stained with mascara that ran all down it.

Yesterday was not a good day.. The first job was at the football game and it was actually okay, for the most part, but the second.. I might be fired because I missed 3 days but it was out of my control, the work schedule is so hard to get a hold of and they wanted me to work some concerts but I was never informed, they normally call or text me when they want me in. I know I work every hockey game, but not every other non sport event. So I have to wait until Tuesday to get the final word..

And on that drive home after I had a good cry because I ****** up the only job I found bearable and fun, I nearly lost control of my truck because there was standing water on the freeway and my front tires really have little to no tread so I nearly hit the 10 foot concrete wall and another vehicle on my right

I've been better honestly..

Oh, my... That certainly sounds like you've been through a lot...

You know, that job you have reminds me a lot of the job that I once had working for a temp. company. They would put you through to different places and you'd get signed onto one place for a little while, then decide whether or not they'd hire you. I had to work some football games, but as soon as I didn't show up one night, after having no calls previously telling me to come in and work, they fired me the next day. They're really strict about that kind of stuff.

Hon, when there's rain on the road you really need to slow down and take it easy. I've learned that by hydroplaning into oncoming traffic once. I'm glad you're safe and alright, all of that could have ended much worse than it did.

I'm sorry that you're feeling bad, hon. Is there anything I could do to possibly make it better?

I guess they have their hands full when it's coming to decide my fate, because they know and they tell me often how hard I work there.. I just have to wait until Tuesday.

I thought I was going slow.. I mean, going slower than 50 on a freeway is suicide in this city

Well, if you were a good worker there, then I'd think you would have a little bit more leeway for mistakes, right? Surely they'd let you off with a warning this time instead of just firing you straight out. There's hope, hon. Don't worry too much about it, things will be okay.

Well, I'm not sure where you live, so I don't know the roads. However, I think it's universal to go rather slow when it comes to rainy conditions, the same with snowy conditions.

I'm really sorry that you've been through that crap, but I'm willing to do something to help you feel better. Or, maybe, Quill could help you along and get you nice and warm. :3

Don't worry about it, Inkie.

I misjudged you and I've got a lot to make up for.

You've taught me that I need to take both sides before judging on an entire scenario. I let my emotions get in the way of what was right.

Just, please, refrain from mentioning Him and keep your relationship with Quill in a private setting... He really doesn't need a reason to get jealous and try and 'Win you back'. He's a little unstable, as I'm sure you're well aware.

Again, I really hope that things will be fine between us.. And I really wish you and Quill the best of luck together! I'm sure you two are really sweet together.

I wanted to explain myself more when you said how terrible I was, kinda like how yesterday, shea got on me about it, I'd like to tell her what really happened instead of just looking this in and taking it at face value

I'm just.. I really hate arguing.

I understand. I just mistook you for someone who really is trying to benefit off of someone else's troubles, when all along, you've got your own troubles to sort out.

If you want, I can talk to shea, try and get her/him to understand the situation a little better. Honestly, if you explained your case without resorting to "bad things happened" or "he blah blah blah", just tell them how you feel about all of this. Tell them that what happened between you two isn't as black and white as it seems.

If they want more information, they should ask, if not, then they should just leave it be. It's done and over. Hopefully you're moving on with Quill. Shadow still has a lot of stuff to work over. His heart is definitely broken, but he did that because he felt that you two were in love. You shouldn't have led him on, but I understand where you're coming from.

I'm guilty of the same thing. Caring too much about someone even though your heart isn't in it. It's a hollow relationship that leaves you feeling empty. It's not a good feeling, but Shadow doesn't seem to understand that. He felt whole with you and he hates the fact that his working and stuff caused him to not get to get closer to you.

I told him that love takes time and patience. What he did, what both of you did, was sort of ran before you learned to crawl. You both sort of rushed into a relationship based on nothing more than loneliness and lust. If you two were friends, then I have no doubt that you and Shadow could have been more.

I think the work that he was doing and what he works for now was somewhat of a catalyst, as well as the other things I've said

It's a shame because.. because he was a great friend that I've shared lots of good memories with. With Quill, I've known her for at least 2 years before we really got to envelop as a couple.