I don't like thinking of myself as anything good.. I am what others say that I am, I've been molded and socialized into what I am today, and I continue to change..

... Hm.

I'm sort of getting a feeling that you're being told that you're all these wonderful things, but you don't feel like you fit into the mold. They're sayiing that you're amazing and that you're always beautiful and all of these things, then you're having a lot of added pressure on you to BE those things, but you don't feel like you are, so then you hate yourself for not being up to the standards that you think everyone thinks of you.

Am I anywhere near right?

Well.. that, and some other things that go along with it..

Hm...

What other things do you think go along with this?

now that i've read that again.. it's pretty accurate..

Hm..

You do realize that when people are telling you these things, it's what they see you as, as you are? Unless you're not acting as you want to act, but instead how you think they want you to.

Hon, they just want you to be who you are. Be who you feel like on the inside, it will resonate how you are on the outside. People will say things like, "You're sweet, you're cute, you're funny", all of these things, but you don't have to try and fit that mold.

You just be yourself. It will be a world of difference. I think you'll find that people will still love you for who you are, not what you try to be. Just be you. Don't worry about disappointing anyone, if you do, so what? If they leave you for that, then they weren't your friends to begin with...

Honestly, I think that what you really need is just to restrict your social interactions with those that you're really close to. Try and relax, getting away from all of those social pressures could be a wonderful thing for you. You don't have to shut out friends, but it's clear that you need some time to deflate.

I hear people saying that you and Quill are the cutest couple on the ponytime boards, so it's safe to assume that you go there often. I also think it's safe to assume that you've gotten quite a few friends from there who shower you with admiration and praise, but you see it as standards to live up to incase you disappoint them.

I'd really like to know what you think about this idea...

I don't really know what to think now.. it hurts to think..
I can't restrict my interactions with her.. she matters far too much to me.. even though I know she is so far out of my league

I haven't eaten all day.. I have no motivation to do any of my final papers..

Is it Quill putting you into a mold that you don't feel like you fit? Or is it everyone else?

Doesn't Quill help you feel complete? Warm inside?

she doesn't do such a thing like that, she's my whole world, she's all I think about..

Then I think taking a break from the social stuff can be good for you, but.. keep her close. If she helps you along and keeps you happy, then I think talking and focusing with her on yourself would probably be the best thing.

I think taking a break from those who just shower you with unwanted compliments would be a good thing. Be with the one who actually thinks you're those things and way more.

If it's everyone else making you feel like you are forced into a mold, then restrict your communication with them. Just ... avoid them, for now. If you have to, tell them you're doing it for your own mental health. Even if it's me.

You need to focus on who you really are. Not what everyone else wants you to be. Be yourself with Quill, learn how to be okay with yourself. Then, when you're ready, come back and share yourself with those you feel like are close enough to you. You don't have any molds to fill other than the ones you choose. People will still love you, even if you aren't perfect. After all, no one is.

i think.. actually that stuff you've said.. about wanting to be in a mold.. has been a lifelong thing, not a recent thing, but it does happen here.. i try to do what i'm told because I just want to be liked, not hated..

Then I think the option is up to you, Inkie.

What do you want to do, here? What do you feel is the best course of action? Take control...

you know what I want to do..

but all I can really do is wait for blackquill to get here.. if she gets here..

she's the light of my life..

Then do it, Inkie. Do what you feel like you want to do. Not what others think you should.

Love, Inkie. <3

...

...


Too cheesy?

No.. I just don't really know what to do

I really don't.. I don't want to leave..

You don't know what to do... but you should make your own decisions...

Hrm... This is very, very tricky, Inkie. I would say do what you feel like you should do, but .. Not knowing what to do.. It could be very frustrating.

Perhaps asking Quill what to do would be a good thing to try? ..

What I think you should do is just take a breather. Just take a break from all of this and deflate. Be with Quill, relax. Be yourself. Learn to do what you really want, not what other people do.

So, it's all up to you what you do, hon. I want to help, but ultimately, you're in control of your life and no one has any authority over you.

Well right now Im lying in my bed not doing anything

Hello there, lovely.

What pleasure do I have greeting such a beautiful person today?~

Erm.. I'm not though..

Well, too bad. I think you are. You've really done nothing to make me think otherwise...

So, what's going on? :3

Just resting in bed.. thinking about recent and upcoming events..

Oh boy.. I really hate laying in bed, thinking about crap.

I always freak myself out, and I always go to the worst case scenario...

Dinner is not settling so well too..

Jeez. You're in for a roller coaster of a night then, huh? .. Have any pepto? Stomach stuffs?

Looks like I passed out before it would have made a difference

Well, how's your tummy, now?

It's fine, I'll be okay, I think..

How are you personally? .. Feeling okay?

I know that I may say some outlandish things, but I really do mean all the best.

I feel gross..

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty hollow.

after a whole day, I still feel like **** and I hate myself lots and lots..

Inkie, why do you hate yourself?

Like, legit reasons. Do you think you're a bad person?

yes.. and everything that might encompass being a bad person is why I hate myself

Inkie, are you stomping on babies in your downtime? Invite me for that, I'll bring my steel boots.

Uhm.. no..

I just never liked myself or whatever I did.. it was all the little and big things that.. well..

It's not a good time because I really wanna do that "thing" again to myself

Honey, that was a joke, what I said.

I thought humor would help a little. I mean, it helps me.

Well, certainly there are REASONS as to why you dislike yourself? Those reasons can be dealt with and we can try and help you like yourself a little more, you know?

I know you said things like, "I don't like what's on the outside."

Sometimes, what you need, is a way to talk out these emotions instead of people telling you nice things to try and distract you from it. You need to come to terms with these emotions or else they'll never go away. It won't matter if the whole world calls you beautiful, if you don't believe it yourself. Believe me, it took a long time to try and find something to help me feel like I'm worth something. I made small changes and I feel a little more whole because of it.