He's doing his own thing, now. He seems to be doing a lot better. Hardly needs me anymore, though he likes me talking with him.

How are you holding up?

Well.. you know.. dealing with a different set of issues myself along with that guilt

Don't feel guilty, anymore, Ink.

It's fine. He's already trying to date someone else. Relax.

It's gonna take me time

And there is no guarantee I'll ever move on

Honey, didn't you already move on? You're with Quill now..

The best thing to do is just wait until Shadow is in the better state of mind and just apologize to him. Get that closure you need.

Why do you always post Twilight pics? I like them and they make me want to draw.

I think I just need that closure you're talking about..

I blame Friendship Games because she's.. a pretty good self representation

True.

And yeah, I think closure will do you both some good. Do you want me to talk to him about it and see if he's in the right state of mind to have a conversation with you without breaking down?

I don't think I can face him yet..

It's okay, it takes time for these things to heal. Just know that he already wants to apologize to you and you want to apologize to him.. Things will be okay, you just have to focus on getting better..

No matter how bleak things might seem right now, it's always darkest before the dawn. You will be okay and I would like to be here to offer a shoulder, if you ever need it.

Other than that.. the problems I have right now are just finishing these final 2 weeks of classes without crashing and burning. And I have to say.. I haven't self harmed (well, physically) since August and it becomes more and more tempting everyday just to blow off steam that way. Just seeing blood calms me or... puts me in a different mindset

I remember once, I did it during a lecture and I'm certain that others saw. It just feels too good.

Other than that again, I just wished things turned out differently.. oh **** , I just remembered, I'm gonna have to call my boss at my job tomorrow to see if I'm still employed..

Inkie, what you just described to me is someone with issues.

Cutting yourself NEVER works. It doesn't do anything but make you feel and look bad. I used to try it when I was in High School, I was overly emotional and one could call me an emo. But, hon, I think getting some medicine will go a long way to help you.

Why would you want to self harm, anyway? And in public? Are you looking for attention? Why does the sight of blood calm you down? More importantly, what are the issues that you're dealing with that would ever validate cutting yourself? Maybe talking through these things will help you, I know that having someone to talk to always helped me out when I was in a bit of a pickle emotionally. Still does.

I talk to Wiggles a lot, now, but you really can't just do these things to yourself! When you hurt yourself, you're hurting everyone who cares about you! Even now, I'm feeling a twinge of guilt for not being there to stop you from doing it, and we've only been on okay terms for a week or so.

I care about you, even if we haven't really been friends, it hurts me to see someone hurting themselves physically because they're mentally hurting. Hurting yourself physically will never help the mental pain, it'll only create permanent scars to temporary situations that can be talked through..

I've been an addict for it for nearly 3 and a half years. It usually occurs when I just feel like I deserve punishment, I do it to attempt to get out of a low state of mind, I do it out of mental frustration and sheer self hatred.. I could go on. It's like.. "nature is calling" me to solve my self anger or hatred or whatever.

I guess there is some things you don't quite know of me yet.. I do take meds, I have been since I was 12. Prozac, Celexa, Trazodone, Zoloft, Buproprion, none of them really work.

Then the problem isn't a chemical imbalance.

What you need is therapy. If all of those medicines didn't help you out, perhaps seeing a professional psychiatrist can help you.

Of course, I'm more than willing to try and help you in any way I can. The first step to recovery is to stop trying to get rid of the issue. Cutting yourself isn't going to help get rid of the issue at hand, talking about it, thinking it through, and coming up with a proper solution to the issue at hand will help you far more than cutting yourself because you feel that you deserve it. Believe me. I've been there.

I'd love to get to know you better, Inkie, but I think having me as a sort of support wouldn't hurt either. If you have an issue and you feel like cutting yourself, please, come to me and I'll help you however I can!

Even now, if you want to, just talk to me..

I am in therapy.. I do see doctors.. the first time I was in therapy, I was 7.. been in and out since.. I feel like it can dmonly do so much but the self hatred, scootabot, is so unreal I can't put it into words

Alright. Let's touch on why you hate yourself so much.

Why? What is there to hate?

I don't know. Maybe I was always told I was selfish. Maybe I was never taught to love myself. Maybe it's the abuse by my stepfather since I was 5 and he acts like everything is okay. Maybe its that I am so prone and vulnerable that I **** up regularly. One of the reasons is my body and how much I detest it with smoldering ganger. That I think I contibute nothing to anyone or whatever is around me. That no one has ever said with sincere words that I am beautiful or whatever.. or even acceptable.. I can't really say which is the real culprit but.. I'm just a wreck that seems to suck down others into it..

You don't see any self worth, huh?
.. Yeah, that's how I feel about 90% of the time. People treat me like garbage, my family constantly abused me growing up, I was physically abused by my step-mother who constantly wished I would just die.

She would starve me for days at a time and leave me locked in a bedroom, but I didn't say anything because I wasn't brave enough to stand up to her. As I grew up, I became a little more bold, but with that confidence came a whole new slew of challenges. People would think that I was trying to get in their faces when I stood up for myself ant hey mistook it as a challenge to them personally, which got me into a lot of fights.

Every day, still, I'm being wrangled up into a group and being forced to undergo horrible treatment by people who I thought were supposed to be supportive of me. Lately, however, it's died down quite a bit, and for that I'm thankful.

Inkie, you have to find value in yourself. Even if you don't see it, others will. Honestly, I see value in you right now. I don't know you personally, but I do know that you have a heart and it is hurting. You cared for Shadow and you love Quill. That's value right there. You don't need some huge thing to define you, it's the smaller things you do in life that define you as a person. From what I've seen, you aren't selfish... I may have said that before, but that was because I didn't bother to get to know you and I'm deeply sorry for what my words may have caused...

Everyone makes mistakes, Inkie. Heck, just today, I spilled tea all over my television and broke it. Sure, I'll miss that television, but I know that it was just an accident. Blundering is how people learn, sweetie. Making mistakes is natural in every persons' life.

Inkie, I don't know what you look like, but I don't need to to know that there is a beautiful person inside of you, just waiting to come out. All of these emotions of self doubt and anger towards yourself only pushes that beauty further down. If you would give yourself a chance and stop living in this world where you're your worst enemy, you'll find that life isn't so bad.

I found worth by drawing. It's something small, yet fun to do.. I don't do much else. I'm unemployed as it stands, I rely heavily on my parents.. I'm single.. I don't feel like I contribute anything.. But drawing really helps me break through that mold of "i'm a failure and no one likes me".

I can tell you this, Inkie. I like you. I think you're very sweet and have the potential to be even more than that. Inside of you, you've got unlimited, untapped potential. You can do anything you set your mind to, if you work hard enough, you can accomplish anything. All you have to do is try. You seem too timid to want to, but I want to help break you out of your shell.

As for what your stepfather did, that is not your fault.. But I know how it feels to have constant scrutiny of just being yourself... It sucks, it's painful.. It helps to know that there are other people out there who went through the same things you are and made it out.. Your stepfather isn't right in doing what he's doing.. It makes me angry to hear that stuff like this is still happening..

I'm sorry stuff like that happens to you.. and I know you're sorry and I do forgive you for that.. it's just gonna take a while for me to forgive myself for what I did to him, but you know that already..

I draw too.. I'm even trying to get my Bachelor's degree in Fine artistry but I don't think I'm any good at all..

I just wished that how I feel inside, how I should look, is how I really am on the outside, but it isn't..

Was what I said too contrived?

Sorry...

It's just a lot to take in and I'm not really good at taking in stuff like this

And when I say beautiful and the sort, no one has said that to my face.

You can take this sort of stuff in at your own pace... I can tell that a lot of people care about you, and doing that to yourself will hurt them too.