Of course I understand, that makes perfect sense. I recommend reading what you write out loud when you are finished. It's always the last thing I do when writing a paper because you can hear how it flows and see where you miss words.

Thank you very much!

Let me know if you need editing help, I like that stuff. Also, I am a lady, but that's okay.

I read your username as "All is on raids" and took it as if you were an mmo player. Sorry, and I would rather have you teach me how to edit rather than you edit what I write. I want this story to be mine and mine alone, I hope you understand what I mean.

Of course I understand, that makes perfect sense. I recommend reading what you write out loud when you are finished. It's always the last thing I do when writing a paper because you can hear how it flows and see where you miss words.

Thank you very much!

I would just simplify it: "Frustration swept over his head". Personally I find that better, but that's up to interpretation.

Have you written any more of the novel? If and when you do, it'd be great if you can keep me posted, I'd like to see updates. Other than yourself, do you get others to proof read your work?

Proof reading is why I posted it in funnyjunk, my twin usually does that for me, but that was when we were in highschool. Now we barely have time to talk to each other. We both work and go to college.

I will post on the same boards I did before, there should be a literature board in funnyjunk.
I'm currently making corrections to the chapter, then I will let people know I did corrections, and THEN I will start on the second one. I'm adding a new introduction to the story, to see how it turns out. The first chapter is the most important one if I want to get published, especially the first paragraphs

Yeah, I completely agree - you definitely want a grasping few paragraphs. I'm definitely up for helping with the progression of your book, if you want me to that is. I really enjoy reading and I believe I have an eye for literature (trying not to sound conceited), so I'd love to help.

I have a lot more to say about your story so far, but I'm not sure if FunnyJunk is the place to share my opinions. If you would like any help, just let me know :)

It's ok, you're already helping me with what you're doing.

Wow, that's some damn fine corruption you've got there

Yeah, democratic republic, so instead of a small group of people oppressing everyone, it's actually the majorities oppressing the minorities.

Mind if I ask what country you're from?

Paraguay, ranked top 5 in corruption if I recall some statistics.

Wow, that's some damn fine corruption you've got there

That was for your comment about them never having the right. Since everyone else has the right, it's taking it away the second they want to do it.

The government works for the people, the people are the ones fighting so hard. The government has repeatedly tried to legalize gay marriage. The religious groups were strong enough to vote it down.

It's their mob mentality.

Prop 8 years back in California. I was surprised because I used to go to a church (grew up there, didn't believe at the time, but people were like family) and they were all pretty against giving these people their rights.

Oh I wouldn't know in other countries, here in my country, it's still kinda taboo to talk about this things. so gay marriage is not even talked about here, it would ruin the career of said politician. that's why I said that in the comment you replied to, I was thinking in my country, not the USA, kinda stupid of me.

Yeah, democratic republic, so instead of a small group of people oppressing everyone, it's actually the majorities oppressing the minorities.

Mind if I ask what country you're from?

Paraguay, ranked top 5 in corruption if I recall some statistics.

Wow, that's some damn fine corruption you've got there

I forgot to say that religion influences laws because of people who are dicatting laws are also of said religion

That was for your comment about them never having the right. Since everyone else has the right, it's taking it away the second they want to do it.

The government works for the people, the people are the ones fighting so hard. The government has repeatedly tried to legalize gay marriage. The religious groups were strong enough to vote it down.

It's their mob mentality.

Prop 8 years back in California. I was surprised because I used to go to a church (grew up there, didn't believe at the time, but people were like family) and they were all pretty against giving these people their rights.

Oh I wouldn't know in other countries, here in my country, it's still kinda taboo to talk about this things. so gay marriage is not even talked about here, it would ruin the career of said politician. that's why I said that in the comment you replied to, I was thinking in my country, not the USA, kinda stupid of me.

Yeah, democratic republic, so instead of a small group of people oppressing everyone, it's actually the majorities oppressing the minorities.

Mind if I ask what country you're from?

Paraguay, ranked top 5 in corruption if I recall some statistics.

Wow, that's some damn fine corruption you've got there

fair enough. i'lll probably share this story wit h my girlfriend see what she thinks because she is really into zombie stories.

Oh and that first quote didn't even come from my comment so....what's that about reading what people say thoroughly?

I read it pretty thoroughly and you say the same things all bible thumping bigots say. At least the ones that are too cowardly to just come out and say they hate gays. I have more respect for the WBC than I do for you, they at least aren't afraid to just come out and say they hate gays.

Okay, so it's cool to oppress them, since we've been oppressing them forever. Got it.

And nope, while there is the ceremony that makes marriage a religious affair, right now in the US gays can not legally be married. They can have Civil Unions, but as our friend kellenved stated later, civil unions don't have the same privileges that come with marriage.

This is why I'm also arguing that marriage shouldn't be a legal practice at all. Scrap marriage, let the religious groups make their ceremonies as important as whatever ceremonies the gays have, and rewrite the rules for Civil Unions.

I never said I approved what the church is doing, I even said I supported gay marriage didn't I? I know about the Civil Unions, but people bash religion for not allowing gay marriage when it's against their beliefs, bash the government for allowing religion to get in the way of common sense.

I forgot to say that religion influences laws because of people who are dicatting laws are also of said religion

That was for your comment about them never having the right. Since everyone else has the right, it's taking it away the second they want to do it.

The government works for the people, the people are the ones fighting so hard. The government has repeatedly tried to legalize gay marriage. The religious groups were strong enough to vote it down.

It's their mob mentality.

Prop 8 years back in California. I was surprised because I used to go to a church (grew up there, didn't believe at the time, but people were like family) and they were all pretty against giving these people their rights.

Oh I wouldn't know in other countries, here in my country, it's still kinda taboo to talk about this things. so gay marriage is not even talked about here, it would ruin the career of said politician. that's why I said that in the comment you replied to, I was thinking in my country, not the USA, kinda stupid of me.

Yeah, democratic republic, so instead of a small group of people oppressing everyone, it's actually the majorities oppressing the minorities.

Mind if I ask what country you're from?

Paraguay, ranked top 5 in corruption if I recall some statistics.

Wow, that's some damn fine corruption you've got there

*kellanved, Sorry man

Ah this argument again. Let me address the most obvious fallacy first. You're suggesting two different kinds of 'marriage,' one for straights, one for gays. The same exact discrimination strategies used by white supremacists when they made bathrooms and drinking fountains for whites and another set for 'coloreds.' It is still discrimination and it doesn't matter how much you say you have no problem with gay people, if this is your stance then you are a bigot.

Secondly, most gays don't want your religious marriage, they want a legal marriage with all the legal rights that go with it, and then the bible thumpers come along and say "No you can't get married cause it's against my religion! You're oppressing us!" You say you are against them having equal rights, and then whine about being oppressed. That is the height of hypocrisy. I could go on about the hypocrisy about the separation of church and state, how the bible thumpers use their beliefs to influence politics and spread their bigotry into laws and then scream "SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE!" whenever the government takes any kind of action regarding religion they don't like, like taxing churches or what not. You can't pick and choose when laws apply or what parts of it apply. Marriage is a LEGAL contract between two consenting adults and comes with many LEGAL rights and privileges, that's what they want. They don't give a shit about your religion or a religious marriage. They just want some equal rights.

"At least in my country, you have to do both, a LEGAL marriage, and a religious marriage, it's separate, and if a third world country has that system, most probably USA does too. "

"Secondly, most gays don't want your religious marriage, they want a legal marriage with all the legal rights that go with it"

I searched my statement, I never found when I said anything about two kinds of marriages, you bashed me for being against gay marriage for a reason I never even expressed, then went on to say the exact same thing I'm supporting them for. Please read what people say.

Oh and that first quote didn't even come from my comment so....what's that about reading what people say thoroughly?

I read it pretty thoroughly and you say the same things all bible thumping bigots say. At least the ones that are too cowardly to just come out and say they hate gays. I have more respect for the WBC than I do for you, they at least aren't afraid to just come out and say they hate gays.

you mentioned the undead, ie zombies, and you postshadow (not sure if word, but attempting at the opposite of a foreshadow and it has been years since i was in an english class so i don't know all the literary terms anymore) a great city that has fallen, that is postapocalyptic. i never assumed... okay, sorry i did assume a little that you didn't read much...but seriously, who on funnyjunk reads?

that's my bad. i was just trying to give some good thoughts.

it was just a city, in no point I ever said this was a common occurrence, also they are going to another city as refugees, and the final thing that should give a clue is that no one was expecting it, no one had seen it before. And I guess that is a fair assumption.

fair enough. i'lll probably share this story wit h my girlfriend see what she thinks because she is really into zombie stories.

yeah. it's the kind of thing you do with any sort of postapocalyptic- distopian sort of storyline. if you read the Hunger Games series, she starts out doing something that defines her, but you really don't understand her, or what she does and why until later in the story. i hated the book but the book "anthem" by Ayn Rand is a great example of this as well. the story starts by telling who the mian character was, describing him but you didn't see his personality until the later chapters when it was explained.

so to recap-
"Anthem"-Ayn Rand, horrible story, great format, good example of style.*
"Hunger Games" - Suzzanne Collins, great modern version of an older fashioned format of writing, with great storyline and basis for a postapocalyptic distopian society
"1984" or "Animal Farm" George Orwell, distopian societies, great format to base a story on. also good reads if you haven't yet.
LOtR, or the Hobbit by JRR TOLKIEN. good examples of old style of writing. great storylines (BONUS= get to learn to be a Geek)



that is my last piece of advice, to get to know a writing style that suits you best, read other authors, the examples i have given you are great (other than Ayn Rand*) for what your style appears to be.

* Ayn Rand's i only included because it has an example of a character profile that was interesting, i didn't care for the story, or agree with the premise

Out of 10, how much would you give the chapter?

I have read all of these but Hunger games and 1984, all of the game of throne books and many, many fantasy / sci fi books. I only said this because it seemed you were assuming I don't read much haha.

Thanks man, although this is not a post apocalyptic story, it's just a fantasy story.

you mentioned the undead, ie zombies, and you postshadow (not sure if word, but attempting at the opposite of a foreshadow and it has been years since i was in an english class so i don't know all the literary terms anymore) a great city that has fallen, that is postapocalyptic. i never assumed... okay, sorry i did assume a little that you didn't read much...but seriously, who on funnyjunk reads?

that's my bad. i was just trying to give some good thoughts.

it was just a city, in no point I ever said this was a common occurrence, also they are going to another city as refugees, and the final thing that should give a clue is that no one was expecting it, no one had seen it before. And I guess that is a fair assumption.

fair enough. i'lll probably share this story wit h my girlfriend see what she thinks because she is really into zombie stories.

sorry, i thought it was the same guy, i'll check it out...

hmmmm. he had some good points. but i think if you started out with the getting to know people it takes too much away from the story. giving a full character profile in the first chapter is boring. the point of a story is for the character to evolve in the first place. if you are going to do a back story set, make it the third or fourth chapter, and have it as a flashback, or as the person telling it, like if you have seen the hobbit, the scene where (borin, i think, i'm not good with names) tells the story of Thorin's victory over the ogres. one of the guys says,"remind me to buy you a drink, or two..." maybe do a chapter at the bar where they are telling war stories, that is a great way to build the character's background.

I'll be taking that, for free, I'll deny everything!

Thanks man, like I told that swallow guy, I really value this kind of feedback.

yeah. it's the kind of thing you do with any sort of postapocalyptic- distopian sort of storyline. if you read the Hunger Games series, she starts out doing something that defines her, but you really don't understand her, or what she does and why until later in the story. i hated the book but the book "anthem" by Ayn Rand is a great example of this as well. the story starts by telling who the mian character was, describing him but you didn't see his personality until the later chapters when it was explained.

so to recap-
"Anthem"-Ayn Rand, horrible story, great format, good example of style.*
"Hunger Games" - Suzzanne Collins, great modern version of an older fashioned format of writing, with great storyline and basis for a postapocalyptic distopian society
"1984" or "Animal Farm" George Orwell, distopian societies, great format to base a story on. also good reads if you haven't yet.
LOtR, or the Hobbit by JRR TOLKIEN. good examples of old style of writing. great storylines (BONUS= get to learn to be a Geek)



that is my last piece of advice, to get to know a writing style that suits you best, read other authors, the examples i have given you are great (other than Ayn Rand*) for what your style appears to be.

* Ayn Rand's i only included because it has an example of a character profile that was interesting, i didn't care for the story, or agree with the premise

Out of 10, how much would you give the chapter?

I have read all of these but Hunger games and 1984, all of the game of throne books and many, many fantasy / sci fi books. I only said this because it seemed you were assuming I don't read much haha.

Thanks man, although this is not a post apocalyptic story, it's just a fantasy story.

you mentioned the undead, ie zombies, and you postshadow (not sure if word, but attempting at the opposite of a foreshadow and it has been years since i was in an english class so i don't know all the literary terms anymore) a great city that has fallen, that is postapocalyptic. i never assumed... okay, sorry i did assume a little that you didn't read much...but seriously, who on funnyjunk reads?

that's my bad. i was just trying to give some good thoughts.

it was just a city, in no point I ever said this was a common occurrence, also they are going to another city as refugees, and the final thing that should give a clue is that no one was expecting it, no one had seen it before. And I guess that is a fair assumption.

fair enough. i'lll probably share this story wit h my girlfriend see what she thinks because she is really into zombie stories.

sorry, those were orks, i said ogres, big difference, i am ashamed...

i posted your name in my comment back to him. that expresses my opinion.

Like I said, it was good, definitely a good first-draft, and it'll get better as you keep working on it.

The key is to not give up on it. It's gonna be really easy in the beginning, but once you have your world/characters/setting generally set up, it's gonna be annoying to go through and nitpick your work, but I think it'll be pretty good if you work on it

although i did agree with his grammatical analysis. although most of that i found to be technicality that didn't take away from the story.

No problem! Good luck with your story, and write on!

Sounds good:)

I feel like I was one of the first comments on your original comment about writing the book...this sounds familiar...faintly...

Perhaps, if it any like the first chapter, I will be done in a month, so don't get your hopes up. Although I don't think I will take that long, since I have already established the basis of the story, I only have to continue now.

Sounds good:)

FJ has a IM thing, right? Add me and we can talk a little more tomorrow after 3ish.
And as a general rule, if you have ! ? . at the end of a quote, that ends the sentence. You can do ("I am out of pie," Thomas said.) or something like that though. Anyway, I gotta get off the computer for the night.

Well, you use the , inside the "" when the same character is going to talk again, because his dialog isn't over yet, and you use the . when the dialog is over. and I know that the ? ends the sentence, I checked my story for any case that I made a "?." mistake and didn't find any. I will add you now, let's talk later.

this is amazing, the "hook" was really good. and it is done in an older fashion of writing which i love, this older fashion is where you take the time to describe the setting and characters. i love how you did that without losing the modern style of writing where the action comes first. very nice balance between the two. cannot wait to continue reading later on.

Made a few changes to the first chapter, would you mind re-reading it? Check the description (in deviantart) to see what changed.

www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/4574058/My+book/26#26

This guy won't quite agree with you, and I also agree with him, what's your opinion?

hmmmm. he had some good points. but i think if you started out with the getting to know people it takes too much away from the story. giving a full character profile in the first chapter is boring. the point of a story is for the character to evolve in the first place. if you are going to do a back story set, make it the third or fourth chapter, and have it as a flashback, or as the person telling it, like if you have seen the hobbit, the scene where (borin, i think, i'm not good with names) tells the story of Thorin's victory over the ogres. one of the guys says,"remind me to buy you a drink, or two..." maybe do a chapter at the bar where they are telling war stories, that is a great way to build the character's background.

I'll be taking that, for free, I'll deny everything!

Thanks man, like I told that swallow guy, I really value this kind of feedback.

yeah. it's the kind of thing you do with any sort of postapocalyptic- distopian sort of storyline. if you read the Hunger Games series, she starts out doing something that defines her, but you really don't understand her, or what she does and why until later in the story. i hated the book but the book "anthem" by Ayn Rand is a great example of this as well. the story starts by telling who the mian character was, describing him but you didn't see his personality until the later chapters when it was explained.

so to recap-
"Anthem"-Ayn Rand, horrible story, great format, good example of style.*
"Hunger Games" - Suzzanne Collins, great modern version of an older fashioned format of writing, with great storyline and basis for a postapocalyptic distopian society
"1984" or "Animal Farm" George Orwell, distopian societies, great format to base a story on. also good reads if you haven't yet.
LOtR, or the Hobbit by JRR TOLKIEN. good examples of old style of writing. great storylines (BONUS= get to learn to be a Geek)



that is my last piece of advice, to get to know a writing style that suits you best, read other authors, the examples i have given you are great (other than Ayn Rand*) for what your style appears to be.

* Ayn Rand's i only included because it has an example of a character profile that was interesting, i didn't care for the story, or agree with the premise

Out of 10, how much would you give the chapter?

I have read all of these but Hunger games and 1984, all of the game of throne books and many, many fantasy / sci fi books. I only said this because it seemed you were assuming I don't read much haha.

Thanks man, although this is not a post apocalyptic story, it's just a fantasy story.

you mentioned the undead, ie zombies, and you postshadow (not sure if word, but attempting at the opposite of a foreshadow and it has been years since i was in an english class so i don't know all the literary terms anymore) a great city that has fallen, that is postapocalyptic. i never assumed... okay, sorry i did assume a little that you didn't read much...but seriously, who on funnyjunk reads?

that's my bad. i was just trying to give some good thoughts.

it was just a city, in no point I ever said this was a common occurrence, also they are going to another city as refugees, and the final thing that should give a clue is that no one was expecting it, no one had seen it before. And I guess that is a fair assumption.

fair enough. i'lll probably share this story wit h my girlfriend see what she thinks because she is really into zombie stories.

sorry, those were orks, i said ogres, big difference, i am ashamed...

i posted your name in my comment back to him. that expresses my opinion.

I've got quite a bit of experience as a Writer m'self, so I'll take a crack at it.


"It was the first time Silint..." should have a line break; you do this whenever there's a change of focus. You went from the desolation of the environment, now the mental camera makes a switch to a character. Think about writing to be like that; the moment the camera makes a switch from one subject manner to another, add a line break. It keeps the viewer refreshed from not seeing a large paragraph, and keeps you organized when you go to revise it.
Dialogue usually has a line break as well, which you had right at first with some initial statements, but some like when one of the characters says "Unit! Cover me!" would be cause for a line break.
Extensive ellipses generally are stigmatized for amatuer writing to some - it's nothing to be ashamed about, but a lot of people roll their eyes when they read it. I went through the same mistake when I first started writing! Just make sure to keep ellipse use scarce, even if you're describing characters in the state of struggled health.

Also remember the use of the "-" symbol if a dialogue is interrupted. “I... I’m gonna be ok... We have to...” could be written as “I... I’m gonna be ok... We have to-”

Always keep in mind of one rule: Simplicity. When detailing a character, don't feel the need to bring up every thing about them from head to toe, only do the key details that the viewer would need to illustrate from their own mind - remember, give the viewer control with their imagination. A good amount of the detail you make is sufficient, but some of it, like when it goes into detailing a character's appearance, tends to go a bit too far.

I haven't quite read the whole thing yet as I'm constrained with time, but keep in mind what I've suggested when you go to revise this chapter (if you feel the need to do so) and work on other chapters.

Made a few changes to the first chapter, would you mind re-reading it? Check the description (in deviantart) to see what changed.

Wasn't quite able to look at it today, but I'll make sure to take a look at it tomorrow!

thanks in advance!

i disagree about the head to toe description. have you ever read 1984? the entire first chapter is describing the main character and the setting. it is an older fashion of writing, not as common nowadays. the HUnger Games is one of the few modern novels that still used the older fashion of writign. like in LOtR or animal farm, or 1984. these are all examples, pabloch, i think your writing style for description is great.

Head-to-Toe description is a good style to use - when it's done correctly.

A lot of new writers tend to not do this correctly, because they have an extreme desire to make the reader imagine the scenery and characters the way their minds percieve it, but rush it because they don't want to make pages and pages of description, or they DO make pages and pages of description, and it just fatigues the reader entirely.

Pabloch, you do accomplish this relatively well, but always be careful when doing this practice and give consistent revision to make sure you have a fine equilibrium between describing it enough for the viewer to differentiate the character/scenery, but not overt detail that you end up draining the reader.

On the note of the first chapter that was brought up; generally you want to at least give an even-ground introduction on the characters and setting without striking the reader with a dozen names and actions that causes them to go "What the hell is going on here?", there's not much point in making the introductory stuff in the third or fourth chapter if the reader doesn't decide to advance from the first, fearing they'd only be more and more confused and move on to a different story.

It's all about finding an equillibrium.

Personally, the writing style I always looked up to was Taylor Zahn's style, more specifically in the Star Wars Thrawn novels (Heir to the Empire, Dark Force Rising Last Command, etc.). The writing style was unique to the older variation, and I think if mixed with some of the older style which presented a lot of symbolism, can make a perfect variation to run with.

I like the way I'm describing my characters, because I feel like I'm giving enough information for the reader to have a general idea of the character, without taking out the factor of the reader to picture said character in his own way.

Regarding the introduction of the story, I'm really not sure what to think of this, three people who I value their opinion (this one includes faithrider) said I nailed the story, but have a lot of work to do on the grammar bit. Then I got two people saying the story should have a bit of introduction before I bring the action out, but I'm afraid people will drop reading if I don't make it interesting enough at the beginning, I did make a draft where I had Silint meditating in the forest, and it was tame beginning, and I added the action at the end of this chapter, not the entire chapter like this draft finished. I didn't quite feel comfortable with the first one, don't know why. I'll have to give it a lot of thought, but right now, I have to go to college and take a history test, wish me luck!

I think the way you describe the characters is fine; I'm used to telling new writers that using this method with immersing characters into the story can sometimes be tricky, and a lot of people tend to have a rocky start with it - myself included.
But if you keep going at it like the way you did with this chapter, then rock on!

What I would suggest with introducing the chapter is introduce the fact that this is a unit, and bring up what it is they usually do; have one of the characters reference a previous mission, perhaps, and have another ask about the current situation at hand without revealing exactly what's going on. This can have the reader enter a tone of mystery where they're sniffing out for information regarding the world the place is set in, and has them easily bridge into this task at hand.
One thing that can also help if give the reader an idea of where the characters stand in the positions of the "unit", this helps them understand what the status is of the unit in full detail then them just constantly racing up and down trying to figure out what's what.

You don't have to necessarily make the introductory chapter one that's peaceful; suspense is always good to have, but suspense doesn't have to necessarily derive from pure action - producing a tone of mystery just from having the characters address suspicion on a serious situation can be good enough, and give you time to give an introduction on everything revolving that mystery.

You've got the moves, you just need to time them properly.

I'm probably gonna use this, thank you very much.

but what about the guy in the comment I sent you? did you read what he said? He makes a fair point as well

sorry, i thought it was the same guy, i'll check it out...

Man, this kind of stuff is what I need, and you haven't even read all of it yet, thank you so much!

although i did agree with his grammatical analysis. although most of that i found to be technicality that didn't take away from the story.

No problem! Good luck with your story, and write on!

Hi there, I'm an English Lit student, which doesn't make my feedback any more significant, but here it is:

From the beginning of your prose the use of commas is quite severe; I would impliment some semicolons or dashes to spice it up a little - doing so would mask the length of your sentences. (See what I mean?) However, there are some great uses of punctuation.
Moreover, not only should some punctuation be removed or altered, your grammar throughout the story is a little off. Within smaller sections of the story, your syntax is a little clunky; for example: 'Frustration swept all over his head' . However, for the most part, it's pretty tidy and enjoyable to read.
Although it's great to use various adjectives within prose, there were some sections which made the text sound a little 'wordy', for example: 'He began to perform a chant'. I found this a little off putting whilist reading.

Overall, I really enjoyed it - I thought the whole concept was brilliant; the amalgamation of zombies, military and magic was great. I'm sorry if this sounds like a critique, but I did enjoy the story; are you planning on writing a complete novel?

I hope this helped!

Made a few changes to the first chapter, would you mind re-reading it? Check the description (in deviantart) to see what changed.

Yes I am planning on a whole novel and the commas thing has been pointed out before. How else can I say 'Frustration swept all over his head' for example?

I would just simplify it: "Frustration swept over his head". Personally I find that better, but that's up to interpretation.

Have you written any more of the novel? If and when you do, it'd be great if you can keep me posted, I'd like to see updates. Other than yourself, do you get others to proof read your work?

Proof reading is why I posted it in funnyjunk, my twin usually does that for me, but that was when we were in highschool. Now we barely have time to talk to each other. We both work and go to college.

I will post on the same boards I did before, there should be a literature board in funnyjunk.
I'm currently making corrections to the chapter, then I will let people know I did corrections, and THEN I will start on the second one. I'm adding a new introduction to the story, to see how it turns out. The first chapter is the most important one if I want to get published, especially the first paragraphs

Yeah, I completely agree - you definitely want a grasping few paragraphs. I'm definitely up for helping with the progression of your book, if you want me to that is. I really enjoy reading and I believe I have an eye for literature (trying not to sound conceited), so I'd love to help.

I have a lot more to say about your story so far, but I'm not sure if FunnyJunk is the place to share my opinions. If you would like any help, just let me know :)

It's ok, you're already helping me with what you're doing.

We all want feedback on things we creat, you have to convince people somehow to get into that.
sorry, not a writer can't really tell what's necessary and stuff but jeah, try to "publish" your things on smaller forums or communities, dA is too huge to get noticed. ^^

what other communities you recommend?

It was very well written and gruesome which is why I love it