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latest user's comments
|#693 - **nanashi used "*roll 6, Martial Ranged Weapon*"** **nanash…||12/13/2014 on Roll Changes #2||0|
|#689 - Comment deleted||12/13/2014 on Roll Changes #2||0|
|#1502 - Comment deleted||12/13/2014 on New Roll Types||0|
|#1501 - **nanashi used "*Roll pokemon*"** **nanashi rolls Golurk**||12/13/2014 on New Roll Types||0|
|#1336 - i'll just take whatever MTG themed would be nice||12/12/2014 on Mods will suggest or draw...||0|
|#552 - Picture||12/10/2014 on [Untitled]||0|
|#1088264 - was kinda hoping i could get some hints or tips as to how… [+] (6 new replies)||12/09/2014 on Anime & Manga - anime...||0|
#1088267 - jkaizoku (12/09/2014) [-]
The narrative is good. Lots of description and lovely words. The dialogue feels awkward, almost forced. Maybe it's because of the sarcastic tone, Dave/Ethan feels weird, Ethan/Julie doesn't feel that weird. Writing style is good, but don't be afraid of a period. Don't continue a sentence with commas if its idea has already been made clear. If you abuse a style, the reader will become tired of it.
Be mindful of cliches. If I could list top ten cliches, one of them is def "childhood friends becoming serious". You take a little differently by it already being an established relationship, albeit secret. Might be an interesting dynamic in the future.
The biggest gripe I have is Mr. MC going gung ho and grabbing a baseball bat like his Spidey Sense is tingling. You and I know that the zombies are coming, the readers will figure it out no doubt, but usually what happens, since you've seen enough movies to know, is that the beginning is highlighted by one thing: confusion. Zombies aren't real, nobody expects it to happen. Let's keep Action Jackson as a civilian before he becomes the wig-splitting hero we know he's gonna be.
The one thing I really like that you did is the description of the zombies. "skin like ceramic and eyes like plastic", calling them dolls. You don't outright call them zombies which is good and you give them a label, a very cool label because what are zombies but lifeless wax figures.
Their behavior is also erratic. They were first at the main gates, then in a matter of minutes bust through the third story window. One has blinding speed and the others are retarded. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume the explanation will come.
gr8 draft m8, I r8 a 5/8. First draft shows potential, now you just gotta find it
#1088268 - jkaizoku (12/09/2014) [-]
Oh, I forgot to include the most important part of this review.
You don't have to listen to me. One thing I learned as a writer is that I do things my way and if other people don't like it, then that just means they don't appreciate my good taste........or I'm a bad writer.
|#5339 - would really appreciate it if you guys could read this an… [+] (2 new replies)||12/09/2014 on /books/ board||+1|
#5389 - Anonymi (12/15/2014) [-]
I like it. I feel like more description of the doll people would be good, and using other senses pretty much always makes writing better. Maybe talk about how they smell, or perhaps when he enters the classroom he's assaulted by the cloying scent of blood. Also saying how the headache felt: a spike driven through his eyes, or a constant dull pressure at his temples? Again using Touch, maybe say how the scream was piercing or grating to his ears. If it's hard to look at the ceramics, maybe say that looking at them was like trying to grasp a handful of water, or if it hurts a fairly visceral description could be that looking at them is like copping an eyeful of sandpaper.
A few more technical things (and bear in mind that I haven't used wattpad and I don't know how the formatting works): If a new person is speaking, always have the speech on a new line. Just makes it easier to read and follow. I got lost a few times in the first couple of paragraphs may also be due to lack of sleep and had to go back and reread to find who was talking.
At one point you said "blood was dripping down the falls", and I assume you mean walls, although a waterfall in a classroom would be pretty bitchin.
Lastly, perhaps have him grab the bat after he hears the scream? The two events are close enough that it doesn't make a whole lot of difference plot-wise but it makes more sense to me that way around.
Overall, I liked it. It's not the best thing I've ever read, but it's a hell of a lot better than a few books I've seen actually published. Plus I want to know what happens next, which is always good. I look forward to reading more.
|#777 - perfect||12/07/2014 on mods draw you a Christmas hat||0|
|#714 - i am in dire need [+] (2 new replies)||12/07/2014 on mods draw you a Christmas hat||0|
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