Wednesday, May 22, 2013
1:55 PM - GodzillaFTW: Shitty couple of days, got anything that could put me in a better mood?
1:58 PM - Mole: how so?
here
www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhHYDFc4Rck
2:05 PM - GodzillaFTW: You know those 'thoughts' I told you about and my paranoia? Well it's been on my mind all of this week. My 'thoughts; included all of my friends and I couldn't stop thinking. The thoughts kept building and building up till yesterday. It my anxiety even worse, my dad constantly calling me telling me decide what to do with my life made it even worse because I completly forgotten all about that and now I'm over worrying about it again. So my anxiety gotten higher than normal... Then a huge ass wave of loneliness hit me. Not a good combo, eventually I had a mental break down and felt like shit for most of yesterday. Still feel like that now, another bomb threat made me feel even worse. So... Yeh, not the best couple of days for me.
2:07 PM - Mole: u worry too much over lil things
2:07 PM - GodzillaFTW: I know, I hate it when I'm like this.
2:07 PM - Mole: then stop it?
2:07 PM - GodzillaFTW: easier said than done.
2:07 PM - Mole: it is
2:07 PM - GodzillaFTW: I guess
2:10 PM - Mole: like, dun care about ur friends as much
if theyre busy or dun wanna chat then do somthin else
not like ur life depends on them or anythin
everyone needs their space and alone time
dad tells u to what u wanna do with life, u dont then, well then go find out and give him an answer, whenever or not he likes it u dont have to care about, not like the two of u care much about each other anyway
just do it, simple
2:12 PM - GodzillaFTW: Still unsure about the answer since I still don't know if I want to go into film or not, then again I'm very indecisive, still need to do more research on it before I make the decision. As you know bad habbits are a bitch to break but I'll do my best
2:15 PM - Mole: just go for it, if u dont like filming then change it
not like ur gonna miss out on much
better than nothin
not really, unless its a drug habit, any habit is easy 2 break
2:18 PM - GodzillaFTW: I should but like I said I need to weed out what jobs in filming I don't want and search for the ones I 'd like to take. Movies are great but fuck it's a risky business depending on the job you take
Indeed
It depends on the person really, any habbit could be a gigantic challenge for them. Hell even you and me have trouble breaking habbits.
And again thanks for the help
2:21 PM - Mole: life is full of risks, just take it and go with it
even u said u might be homeless anyway so u got nothin 2 lose
only the willing can break the habits, the denial and the whiny "i cant" "oh its too hard" "i cant i need help"
2:22 PM - Mole: those wont get anywhere in life or break habits and shit good for them, whatever happens to them they deserve it, theyre weak and dont deserve the aid that could be used for a better cause
just do it, ist simple
np
2:26 PM - Mole is now Online.
2:29 PM - GodzillaFTW: Yeah I know, I'm just afraid of failure but I'll go with it like you say.
Oh yeah, good point.
Everyone has their weaknesses Jesse, even the strong but yeah this shit won't get us anywhere.

On an unrleated note, you finally listen to RAM?
2:37 PM - Mole: u have nothing 2 lose,
u can get anymore failure cept reach some success
i have flaws, i know this, i learned to accept them and try not to show it nor care about them
i dont go "oh i cant because of this reason" or "its not my fault because i have diz issue or whatever"
u deal with them, u dont let them control u, u control them
reminded me of diz kid in my pottery class today, most of us were done but the teacher wouldnt let us do shit, one rednecj dumbass bitched and fuckin begged to him to go to a different class, teacher kept sayin no, he just threw a bitch fit, fuck we're all bored, yet we're not throwing bitch fits nor yelling cuz god forbide us to survive 1 class of 50 mins of doing nothing. Problems are problems, if u cant solve them, then OH FUCKIN WELL just accept them and move on.
Simple as shit to do
And no
2:42 PM - GodzillaFTW: I really need to keep that in mind more often.
True, true.
hehehe pottery.
It's because he's stupid, anyone with a decent mind would have just sat there and..... take it......... yeah..... I need to do that as you said.
So you gonna listen to it when you finally get it in the mail?
2:45 PM - GodzillaFTW: 25.media.tumblr.com/48cdcfde1792b99287bc36989c822f25/tumblr_mn7diqfqZC1rfym8so1_500.png
2:46 PM - Mole: Yeah
is there a problem with me getting my las half credit class in a class about making stuff for my mom and sis?
so is everyone then again, why care
u need to but are u even willing to do it?
its coming tomorrow when i preordered it
2:49 PM - GodzillaFTW: No it's not that, it just reminded me of something that made me laugh, sorry.
True.
I want to because I want to get away from these idiots but.... I don't know, I need to think about this more before I answer.
You'll fucking love it's brilliant.
2:50 PM - GodzillaFTW: and besides, it ain't easy to think on an empty stomach so food should clear my mind
2:52 PM - GodzillaFTW: I'll probably have an answer as soon as I finish thise 25 page projecy .-.
2:53 PM - Mole: es fine, the class itself is okay and the kids are decent enough
u want but cant have cuz u dont have the determination to do it
i know
thats literally an excuse, i know people and even myself think clearly when i dont eat for 1-3 days
then do the project, what is the issue?
2:56 PM - GodzillaFTW: Ah das good then.
That's probably the issues, I'm not sure my self.
I was trying to make a joke... a bad one but still I'm fucking starving. Well I'm not you, it's difficult for me for some reason.
I will after this food, just length and thinking of what tp type, not a pleasant subject to type but I got some pages done.
2:57 PM - Mole: I know,
what subject is it?
okay

Journal entry #51
5/21/13

Nothing but angst, depression and loneliness for most of the day. I think I'm losing my mind or something.

I just couldn't thinking about my paranoia towards Jesse, it got worse and worse as time went on... Then I felt paranoia towards ALL of my friends. he 'thoughts' wouldn't stop, it was spiraling out of control, I couldn't control it. I didn't care what was happening in school, all I cared about where those thoughts and it was driving me mad.

My anxiety just fucking sky rocketed, I felt like the world was closing down on my me and all I wanted to do was cry. I was still in the middle of class and I was about to have another mental breakdown, I needed something to calm my self down. My mind started to wander and video I saw a while ago popped in my head.... It made me feel better for some reason, I have no fucking idea how but it just did. Here it is:
youtu.be/K9O1TMJyhmw?t=2s
I don't even know anymore.

godzillaftw.tumblr.com/post/50966790767/daft-punk-ft-paul-willams-touch

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd depression kicks in. Goddamn it.

Journal entry #50
5/20/13

Still felt paranoid about last night with Jesse when I woke up. Imported the new Daft Punk album into my MP3 player and went to school like normal. RAM is fucking better than I thought it would be. Holy fucking shit it's fantastic, 'Touch' is probably the best song they've done in a long ass time. Put me in a great mood till I have to take off my headphones because of class. Naturally my paranoia kicked right back in, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't even focus in any of my classes, I just kept thinking and thinking. Luckily it was an early out day so I came home early.

Came home feeling the same. Chatted with Ryan and Will for a while till Will went to bed and Ryan went to eat. Chatted with Jesse, turns out he only chatted with me because he needed to find a song he couldn't remember... He found himself, bleh I'm never useful. Played TF2 with him and Scruffy.

Scruffy asked some questions that dug up some old wounds between me and Jesse. Naturally I didn't like that but I couldn't bring myself to stop him. Turns out Jesse still hasn''t forgiven me for some things and still doesn't trust me. Knowing that I naturally felt like shit for most of tonight. Tried chatting with him more but he ignored me or was busy again, whatever. Guess that time a few months ago he said only chats with me again is only when he's bored or needs something, is still true to this day. I don't think he considers me 'a good friend' anymore or a friend at all, just someone that will be willing to give him shit when he wants to. And I fucking do it everytime. Fucking hell... I'm probably overreacting like always but why do I feel like crying?

END OF JOURNAL ENTRY

Journal entry #49
5/19/13

Day was pretty dull, at least I got my old account unbanned again.

Chatted with Will, David and Ryan for most of the day. Ryan and Will eventually went to sleep, my chat with David just stopped suddenly. Got bored and edited my video project to have music. Daft Punk will definitely make this project much better. Hopefully I'll get a decent enough grade on it. Asked Jesse and Ryan to check it out again if the music, video, audio was all k. I'm not fucking Indian, Jesse, fak u.

Tried to chat with Jesse. He didn't give me the short responses, thank Godzilla. Chat was short as fuck and died quickly though. Asked some of my and his friends to get him to go back to studying, I thought it would be humorous. Apparently he's been studying for 8 hours straight. Well how the fuck am I supposed to fucking know if you never want to fucking talk.

Bleh. I think I may of pissed him off and or annoyed him, I don't fucking know. Again it's like last year again, I never fucking learn. Me thinks I should stop chatting from him for a while so I don't make things worse again. Then again he may leave for the navy (he changed his mind) any day now, I don't want to try to bring up a chat with him again only to find out he's gone. Goddamn it what do I do? This is making me feel like shit, I hate this. Why the fuck do I always chat with him if all I do is annoy him? Bleh.

END OF JOURNAL ENTRY

Ban over, back to GodzillaFTW and posting journals on this profile

Journal entry #48
5/18/13

Today was certainly an odd mix. Woke up to find out Moondoogy was streaming some movies me and some friends suggested to watch. Shawshank with Will, Brandon, Moony, and Ryan. It was a lot of fun. Ryan had to leave during Hercules but it was still fun. I had to be absent for most of the movie cuz of food and chores, ah well, was fun till it lasted.

Food wasn't enough to keep full and it was the only thing I ate for most of the day. So I was pretty damn hungry for most of the day. Didn't help that there was nothing to eat in the house at all and I felt very weak and unfocused for most of the day. So chats didn't go well until later this night.

Chatted with Ryan for a bit until Will found me the new AoT episode torrent. Downloaded it and started the stream with Ryan, Will, Brandon, Russel. It was a lot of fun... Until Brandon did a dick move and spoiled it for most of us. Not gonna lie, it kinda pissed us off. Especially me, I fucking hate spoilers. After joking around all was k. The episode was pretty bad ass too.

Decided to stream the last few episode of Samurai Champloo that Will needed to watch and it was fun too. The last episode always makes me cry. I don't like goodbyes... Stream ended after that. Decided to watch the new Doctor Who episode, it was pretty good. I just want the 50th anniversary already.

Chatted with David (I think that's his name, Dark), I haven't had a chat with this guy this long he seems pretty chill so far. Then chatted with Will, probably the longest covo I've had with him in a while. It was pretty nice. Finally convinced Will and Ryan to watch all of those awesome animes I watched, fuck yes. They won't be able to handle the feels, mwahahahahaha!

As I was chatting with Will my main FJ account got banned. A mod flagged a pic of Mikasa's ass I posted... She was fully clothed. What the fuck? Other people posted her ass fullyclothed on the same thread and I was the only one banned. Kinda pissed me off a bit. But hey at least it's only a 12 hour ban instead of that incredibly long ban I had a few months ago. So all is good until I'm unbanned.

Both Will and David went to bed so I've been getting pretty lonely since I have no one to talk to now that I usually chat with. I don't know who to chat with now, I can't chat with most of them because my friendslist on this account is fucking tiny.

I tried Reggie but he does the usual reply a few times and then stops replying all together. As always I tried to chat with Jesse again, as always he gave the usual short replies with "yeah, mhmm, yup, I see".

He's probably busy or can't think of a proper response but it still just makes me feel bad. I feel like I'm bothering him and he doesn't want me around again. It's like last year all over again, it's making me feel like shit. I'd bring it up but the last time I did that last year, it led to a fuckton of fights, he eventually hated me, left me and we didn't see each other for months. Eventually we made up... Only to have it go to shit again. I'm so fucking scared that I'll fuck up a 4th time and have all that happen again. The first 3 times we already painful enough, I don't want to go through that again. It's just eating me up inside, it still hurts.

He asked me to upload some of his mixes again on youtube. I've been trying to upload them for hours but they won't upload for some reason. So I feel bad about not being able to upload his music, I told him but he still hasn't responded at all. Steam says he's away but this still makes me feel bad. Godzilla damn it why am I like this all the time around him and my other friends? Fuck this.

END OF JOURNAL ENTRY

wai is Gftw kill?

have you read the manga?

arturia

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmu5CuG_Cn8&list=PLfWMiHOP6IbkQk9KMMs_QfWCpFdvA3MGQ


Banned so can't use Godzilla account.

Well damn. What for this time?

Journal entry #47
5/17/13

Today was just a big pain in the ass. Another block schedule so all of the classes were longer than usual but at least I got earlier.

That same fucking kid that harasses me tried to start shit with. Challenging me to a fight, trying to make me pissed by saying some stupid shit about my race. I wanted to punch the son of a bitch in the face but I couldn't risk getting in another school fight, if I got into another fight I would be expelled from school. I'm gonna graduate so I can't risk that at all. Eventually my teacher saw the idiot causing shit and gave him a detention, hahahaha. I was still fucking pissed from all that shit I had to take from the idiot.

Other classes went as normal, pretty dull class sessions as always. I had to do a test for civics, I spent weeks studying for this test because it was worth a fuckton of points.... And yet I fucking flunked, god fucking damn it why do I fail every single test I take? Studying doesn't do shit for me, fuck I was even more pissed.

Still haven't started my senior project but hey still got 12 more days to do it... Aahahahaha I'm so fucked.

Now on my walk to the bus station was were shit went down.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGdkzNjbuqU

Journal entry #46
5/16/13

Same as yesterday, nothing really interesting happened and I just talked with Ryan and Jesse for most of the day again.

Turns out money isn't an option for my graduation present from my dad, so I'll have to narrow it down to these choices: a 3DS, PS4, Wii U or a better computer monitor. I can only have one so I'm unsure. If I get a 3DS I can get all of those awesome games I missed out on. If I get either a Wii U or PS4 I can get a shit ton of awesome games. My current computer monitor is odd and has a fuckton of bugs, so a new one would be good but I wouldn't have all of those games. I dunno, I just wish I could have the money so I can choose when I finally am sure. Ah well, least I'm finally getting a gift for the first time in a while.

Still haven't had a call or email from that Target I applied at a few weeks ago. I probably didn't get the job, as always. Ah well.

Still unsure what I want to do with my life so my anxiety levels are growing bigger and bigger since school is almost over. Still dunno if I want to go for that suggestion Jesse gave me or do something else. I really hope I can think of something soon.

END OF JOURNAL ENTRY

Journal entry #45
5/15/13

Another boring day where absolutely nothing happened. Chatted with Ryan, Mrs. and Jesse but that's about it.

END OF JOURNAL ENTRY

Journal entry #44
5/12/13

Today was ehhh.

That kid that constantly harrashes, pokes/touches me and takes videos/pics of me tried to talk with me. Basically he was trying to weird him out with some stupid shit about me, so I did the same to him. Apparently I weirded him out and he eventually stopped and walked away. Victory! I just wish idiots like him would leave me alone already, I never start shit with them yet they always start it with me. Am I that easy of a target?

Eventually went home and worked on my other projects. Got in my grandpa again about how useless I am and I should kill myself, the usual. Now he's gonna stop buying me shit and stop talking to me. Don't really care about the son of a bitch, just glad he won't talk to me. Finally.

Chatted with Jesse today, it was a pretty heavy discussion. About humanity, how horrible people, media and society can be, how all of that influences us in a negative way and our purpose in life. Been a while since I had a controversial conversation like that with him. I made some crappy jokes and he thought I didn't understand him, I think I made him felt bad and so paranoia kicked back in. I apologized and thank Godzilla I was wrong with my paranoia was wrong. He was just busy with something else, I hate it when I do this. Goddamn it he's always right now, it's like things have gone in reversed. Convo went silent after that, he probably was still busy with that thing and went to bed I suppose. Ah well.

Chatted with Ryan for a tiny bit then he went to bed.

Fuck I'm exhausted, hopefully Will's advice will get me a good nights rest again.

END OF JOURNAL ENTRY

Forgot to do another entry, fucking shit.

Journal entry #43
5/13/13

Busy, busy, busy day yesterday was. I was assigned 4 fucking projects. 3 projects from the same damn class, English. I got some ideas for the Senor story project but I haven't started, don't have enough ideas... I need to type 25 goddamn pages for that, shit. The song project hasn't been put in detail yet but I gotta find a couple of songs to analyze. And now for the big one, the 'how to' project.

Had to make a video on how to a certain task, I did 'hot to make a gif'. It took a long ass time to prepare it but thanks to Jesse and Ryan I got it done. I stuttered a lot and made a lot of smart ass comments, so it was bad but it's finally fucking done. Thank Godzilla, it took forever to finish it.

Talked with Ryan and Jesse for a long ass time so that was fun till they went to bed. Got bored and asked the women of the thread if that I could drink their breast milk.

That's about it for yesterday.

END OF JOURNAL ENTRY