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conspiracycat Avatar Level 32 Comments: Peasant
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Gender: male
Age: 42
Date Signed Up:1/20/2011
Last Login:9/15/2014
Funnyjunk Career Stats
Content Thumbs: 25 total,  37 ,  12
Comment Thumbs: 82 total,  221 ,  139
Content Level Progress: 49.15% (29/59)
Level 0 Content: Untouched account → Level 1 Content: New Here
Comment Level Progress: 0% (0/1)
Level 32 Comments: Peasant → Level 33 Comments: Peasant
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Content Views:1191
Times Content Favorited:3 times
Total Comments Made:172
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#729 - I forgot to log in, but I still expect the comment. 06/20/2014 on King Shitpost 0
#5 - biologyexplain I don't know what explain to call for this but,… 04/12/2014 on krabby patties +3
#3 - I'm tryin really hard to understand this one, a little help Jo…  [+] (2 new replies) 04/10/2014 on It's shorter than you... 0
User avatar #5 - ascendant (04/10/2014) [-]
So, the the first guy believed that the second had stolen his cookies, and was eating them in front of him. In an attempt to claim them back without making a scene, the first man takes on of the cookies as well, and the two finish the bag in a silent game of cookie stealing chicken.
Later, as the first man goes to leave, he realizes that his own cookies had been under his newspaper the entire time, and that he had just awkwardly stolen half of the stranger's cookies, in an ironic reversal of the situation. Now the other man is simply left wondering as to the strange theft that just occurred, without understanding.
TL;DR: Not actually his cookies. Whoops.
User avatar #4 - lazylazarus (04/10/2014) [-]
op was actually eating the other man's cookies
#32 - Bee ****** Deaths toll(Hastened Fatalis)- Warrior… 04/05/2014 on conspiracycat's profile 0
#31 - What in Davy Jones’ locker did ye just bark at me, ye scurvy… 04/05/2014 on conspiracycat's profile 0
#55 - YOU STOPPED COMING WHEN I CALLED 04/04/2014 on My dirty little secret 0
#864 - They blurred out the name, but it doesn't even matter. 03/21/2014 on Assasins name 0
#39 - SEJUANI SUCKS  [+] (2 new replies) 01/02/2014 on Pokemon by description 0
User avatar #57 - sindrifreyr (01/02/2014) [-]
She used to before the rework, then she became a god, then they nerfed her a bit and now she is just a consistant cc machine with high damage. She is comparable to amumu or nautilus.
#51 - anonymous (01/02/2014) [-]
Go Elise or go home.

"Everyone else is trash"
- Doublelift
#30 - "LOOK WHO'S PROLAPSING ALL OVER MY ******* A… 01/01/2014 on conspiracycat's profile 0
#334 - Since I can't vote, I decided I may as well comment, because S… 10/02/2013 on Pokefeels. -2
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User avatar #31 - conspiracycat (04/05/2014) [-]
What in Davy Jones’ locker did ye just bark at me, ye scurvy bilgerat? I’ll have ye know I be the meanest cutthroat on the seven seas, and I’ve led numerous raids on fishing villages, and raped over 300 wenches. I be trained in hit-and-run pillaging and be the deadliest with a pistol of all the captains on the high seas. Ye be nothing to me but another source o’ swag. I’ll have yer guts for garters and keel haul ye like never been done before, hear me true. You think ye can hide behind your newfangled computing device? Think twice on that, scallywag. As we parley I be contacting my secret network o’ pirates across the sea and yer port is being tracked right now so ye better prepare for the typhoon, weevil. The kind o’ monsoon that’ll wipe ye off the map. You’re sharkbait, fool. I can sail anywhere, in any waters, and can kill ye in o’er seven hundred ways, and that be just with me hook and fist. Not only do I be top o’ the line with a cutlass, but I have an entire pirate fleet at my beck and call and I’ll damned sure use it all to wipe yer arse off o’ the world, ye dog. If only ye had had the foresight to know what devilish wrath your jibe was about to incur, ye might have belayed the comment. But ye couldn’t, ye didn’t, and now ye’ll pay the ultimate toll, you buffoon. I’ll **** fury all over ye and ye’ll drown in the depths o’ it. You’re fish food now.
User avatar #29 - conspiracycat (03/24/2013) [-]
What the flip did thee just flipping gabble about me, thine miniscule bitch? I’ll have thee know I bested the most prestigious jousting class in the whole of Camelot, and I hath been involved in numerous secret marches on behalf of his Majesty, King Arthur, and I hath over 300 confirmed victories on horseback. I am trained in castle of Guerrilla warfare and I am indeed the highest ranking joustee in the entire land of Great Britannia. Thee are nothing to me but another false crossbearer. I will joust thine shambles with precision the likes of which hath never been observed in the King’s lands, mark my flipping words! Thou think thou can escape retribution by shouting that hogwash at me from afar? I implore thee to think again, peasant. As we converse I am contacting my secretive network of knights across the realm and thine footsteps are being traced right now, so thou best prepare thineself for the storm, pig-maggot! The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing thou call your armour. Thou art a flipping dead man. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill thou in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare lance. Not only am I extensively trained in mounted combat, but I hath access to the entire arsenal of the Kings Royal Army, and I shall use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable derriere off the face of the realm, thou miniscule feaces. If only thou could have foreseen what unholy retribution your little “clever” challenge was about to bring down upon thee, maybe thou would have held thee flipping tongue. But thou couldn’t, thou didn’t, and now thee art paying the price, you goddamn fool. I shall **** fury all over thou britches and thee will drown in it. Thou art flipping dead, child.
User avatar #28 - conspiracycat (03/23/2013) [-]
Darkness without light is an abyss.
Light without darkness is blinding.
You cannot have a coin with one side.
User avatar #27 - conspiracycat (03/19/2013) [-]
The real damage is done by those millions who want to "survive". The honest men who just want to be left in peace. Those who don't want their little lives disturbed by anything bigger than themselves. Those with no sides and no causes. Those who won't take measure of their own strength for fear of antagonizing their own weakness. Those who don't like to make waves - or enemies. Those whom Freedom, Honor, Truth, and principles are only literature. Those who live small, mate small ... die small. It's the reductionist approach to life. If you keep it small, you'll keep it under control. If you don't make any noise the bogeyman won't find you. But it's all an illusion, because they die too, those people who roll up their spirits into a tiny little balls so as to be safe. SAFE?! From what? Life is ALWAYS on the edge of dead. Narrow streets lead to the same place as wide avenues... And a little candle burns itself out just like a flaming torch does. I choose my own way to burn.
User avatar #26 - conspiracycat (03/18/2013) [-]
**** on a seagull luv, yu can fuk ryt of m8.
I'll slam you in the gullet i will.
Fukin pie-end tellin me ow to run me **** lyk.
thez gonna be sum fukin truble now luv im tellin ya.
stupid fuk
User avatar #25 - conspiracycat (03/18/2013) [-]
I put the peanut butter and jelly in the ass, I call it peanut butter and jelly ass sandwich, but you're gonna be calling it lunch
User avatar #24 - conspiracycat (03/09/2013) [-]
To-day we have naming of parts. Yesterday,
We had daily cleaning. And to-morrow morning,
We shall have what to do after firing. But to-day,
To-day we have naming of parts. Japonica
Glistens like coral in all of the neighboring gardens,
And to-day we have naming of parts.

This is the lower sling swivel. And this
Is the upper sling swivel, whose use you will see,
When you are given your slings. And this is the piling swivel,
Which in your case you have not got. The branches
Hold in the gardens their silent, eloquent gestures,
Which in our case we have not got.

This is the safety-catch, which is always released
With an easy flick of the thumb. And please do not let me
See anyone using his finger. You can do it quite easy
If you have any strength in your thumb. The blossoms
Are fragile and motionless, never letting anyone see
Any of them using their finger.

And this you can see is the bolt. The purpose of this
Is to open the breech, as you see. We can slide it
Rapidly backwards and forwards: we call this
Easing the spring. And rapidly backwards and forwards
The early bees are assaulting and fumbling the flowers:
They call it easing the Spring.

They call it easing the Spring: it is perfectly easy
If you have any strength in your thumb: like the bolt,
And the breech, and the cocking-piece, and the point of balance,
Which in our case we have not got; and the almond-blossom
Silent in all of the gardens and the bees going backwards and forwards,
For to-day we have naming of parts.
User avatar #23 - conspiracycat (03/08/2013) [-]
Remember comrades
We are tankers
They take out treads, we are artillery
They take out turret, we are machine gun nest
They take out machine gun, we are pillbox
They take out armor, we are heroes.
User avatar #22 - conspiracycat (03/08/2013) [-]
Out of commission, become a pillbox. Out of ammo, become a bunker. Out of time, become heroes.
User avatar #20 - conspiracycat (03/04/2013) [-]
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
User avatar #19 - conspiracycat (02/11/2013) [-]
What the **** did you just ******* say about me, you little ape? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in The Academy of Cheesemaking, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on The Daleks, and I have over 30 confirmed companions. I am trained in time navigation and I’m the most important man in all of creation. You are nothing to me but just another ungrateful human. I will wipe you the **** out with precision the likes of which has never been seen since the Last Great Time War, mark my ******* words. You think you can get away with saying that **** to me over a psychic link? Think again, ****** . As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across time and space and your IP is being traced by K-9 so you better prepare for The Oncoming Storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re ******* dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime (literally), and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my sonic screwdriver. Not only am I extensively trained in handing out jelly babies, but I have access to the entire arsenal of Torchwood and I will use it to its full extent to prevent your miserable ass from ever being born, you little **** . If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” genocide was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your ******* tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will **** artron energy all over you and you will drown in it. You’re ******* dead, kiddo.
User avatar #18 - conspiracycat (02/05/2013) [-]
What the **** did you just ******* say about me, you little milk-drinker? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Companions, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the Black-Briar family, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in the Power of the Voice and I’m the top archer in the entire Imperial forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the **** out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Nirn, mark my ******* words. You think you can get away with saying that heresy to me over the Internet? Think again, Elf. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Dark Brotherhood assassins across Tamriel and your location is being tracked right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re ******* dead, Elf. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Dawnguard and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little **** . If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your ******* tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will **** fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re ******* dead, kiddo.
User avatar #15 - conspiracycat (01/07/2013) [-]
What in the name of the Lord did ye just proclaim about me, knave? I'll have ye know I was dubbed top of my knight squadron in the armie, I hath battled in numerous sieges on traitorous lords, and I hath more than three hundred confirmed kills. I am extensively disciplined in gorilla warfare and I am the top archer in the entire armie. Ye are merely 'nother enemy to slay. I shall abolish ye with precision such as has never been witnessed by Gods or men, hear my words. Think ye that ye can escape my wrath after uttering such filthy remarks? Rethink ye words, miscreant. As we speak, I am sending word of ye by raven to my network of spies across the realm, and ye hideout is soon to be located, so brace yourself for attack, fool. The storm that exterminates ye pitiful life, if that it can be named. Ye are good as dead, lad. I may be present in any shadow around ye, and I am capable of subduing ye in over seven hundred ways, and that is merely with mine own hands. I was not only tutored in gauntlet-to-gauntlet, but I possess the right to any weapon in my liege lord's extensive armory, and I intend to fully utilize it to erase your insignificant presence off our holy realm, ye insufferable scoundrel. I can only wish ye would have had the foresight to comprehend what heinous punishment your little "witty" quip were destined to result in; mayhap then ye would have withheld from voicing it. But ye could not, ye did not, and now ye shall pay with your blood, ye God-forsaken imbecile. I shall unleash unholy ire on ye and ye shall be inundated in it. Ye are carrion food, cretin.
User avatar #14 - conspiracycat (01/04/2013) [-]
"Don't say another Goddamn word. Up until now, I've been polite. If you say anything else - word one - I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming - as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth."
User avatar #13 - conspiracycat (12/28/2012) [-]
Wanderer: OR "LOOK WHO'S PROLAPSING ALL OVER MY ******* AUTHORITY. HOW ABOUT THIS: YOU COME OVER HERE, SUCK MY DICK, AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE I'LL THINK ABOUT NOT TELLING YOU TO GO **** YOURSELF WITH THIS RAKE. BEEN USING IT TO SCRATCH THE FETID WASTE OUT OF THE LAVATORY, YOU REALLY DON'T WANT THIS **** UP YOUR CUM LADEN DIGESTIVE TRACT, WHORE."
Wanderer: ISEEYOU'REBUSYBEINGgay
Wanderer: PROBABLY SUCKING SO MUCH BALLS YOU'RE LIKE
Wanderer: JUGGLING THEM
Wanderer: LIKE A CLOWN IN A PONY SHOW, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF DICKS ITS BALLS
Wanderer: ALSO THE FACEPAINT
Wanderer: IS CUM
User avatar #30 to #13 - conspiracycat (01/01/2014) [-]
"LOOK WHO'S PROLAPSING ALL OVER MY ******* AUTHORITY. HOW ABOUT THIS: YOU COME OVER HERE, SUCK MY DICK, AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE I'LL THINK ABOUT NOT TELLING YOU TO GO **** YOURSELF WITH THIS RAKE. BEEN USING IT TO SCRATCH THE FETID WASTE OUT OF THE LAVATORY, YOU REALLY DON'T WANT THIS **** UP YOUR CUM LADEN DIGESTIVE TRACT, WHORE.ISEEYOU'REBUSYBEINGGAYPROBABLY SUCKING SO MUCH BALLS YOU'RE LIKE JUGGLING THEMLIKE A CLOWN IN A PONY SHOW, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF DICKS ITS BALLSAND THE FACEPAINT IS CUM
User avatar #12 - conspiracycat (11/30/2012) [-]
We are going to die. And that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die, because they are never going to be born. The potential people who would have been here in my place, but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of the Sahara. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets that keats. Scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively outnumbers the set of actual people. In the teeth of the stupefying odds, it is you, and I, in our ordinariness ... That are here.
User avatar #11 - conspiracycat (11/26/2012) [-]
well di, you had so MANY B$$E'S IN MY HOUSE ON BLEGET AVE IN MEFFA NEIGHBOR --OH JOELLE U LIVE IN THE BACK YARD~~ EVERY PICTURE TELLS A STOREEE~ AND A CERTAIN SOMEONE SAID, WORD-FOR-WORD~~THANT CANT HAPPENOH BUT IT CAN IF BATTERIES ARE CHANGED ETC(WE KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED) AND THE WATCHERRS WHO HAVE PROTECTED ME KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED) JUST LIKE THEY KNOW WHAT U DID TO MR BILL (BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. sO HIS FMLY CAN DO SUMTHING~ SO ************ ~ I SAT BACK~U STARTED A FMLY~GOT ME POISEN, DONALD, MIMS, THE LIST GOES ON, MR LOREN BACALL~SANDFLEE, NOW THE "WOMAN CAN OPEN THEIR EYES" TO ALL WHO WORK LATE TO THE WHORE WHO RUBS LEGS & SMILES & SAYS "HIIIIIII" PROBLEM IS SO MANY STATE LINES CROSSED~~AS I TELL THEM "I DON'T GIVE A **** ..THEY ARE WHITE SPACING NOW SO I CAN SURPRISE U NDURING BIRTHDAY TODAY..WHEN WHERE , LIES DO I BEELIEVE HIM?? SHOULD I,, ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR GAMES,, HARDER THEY SAY,, ME?? ..CAN'T WAIT IT'S LIKE ALL THE TV SHOWS..MY FRIENDS & YOURS..DID U KNOW WE HAVE A DISTANT RELATIVE?? NOPE?? SHIP AHOY MATEY?? POOR LITTLE GIRL..FATS MCGEE?? JUST THE START OF YOUR DRAMA CUNT!! THE QUEEN I HATE THAT WORD..BUT THE WOMAN OF CHASE HAVE DUBBED THEE THAT!! (YOUR DAUGHTER) WHEN DSS SRTEPS IN,,SHALL I VOLUNTEER?? PISS U OFF..CAUSE WITH DAILEY NEWS WE KNOW U ARE TURNING AGAINST HIM..REMEMBER THE PLAN U HATCHED BEE FORE YOUR FAMILY LEFT?? OH WATCHERS DO?? VERY CLEAR?? DADDY?? USED TIM?? OH YES??
User avatar #10 - conspiracycat (11/22/2012) [-]
"The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout 'Don't slam us!' And I'll look down, and whisper 'No'"

User avatar #9 - conspiracycat (11/20/2012) [-]
"The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout 'Save us!' And I'll look down, and whisper 'No'"
User avatar #8 - conspiracycat (11/07/2012) [-]
Sometimes, when I'm home alone, I like to get naked, paint myself completely yellow, stick a screw driver into an electrical socket, and scream "Pikaaaaa- CHUUUUUU" until I pass out.
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