Ye, I'm still around. Just don't post too much.

How are you?

Just fine!
I am just visiting others... so that's something!

Ok bebes, Mom needs to use the phone so Ill be online later )) <3#

I'll miss you

ikr I love it

Might go back to my old theme though

what was that old theme?
also how are you doing

how are you?

i'm doing alright
just making some dumb videos

Haha, show me some if you want

Im still cleaning the house, its been a chill day but I think I'll go climbing at some point

oh you do climbing?

Earthy brown and mint green

Im alright, cleaning my house a bit today then gonna go outside and do something

Thinking about hiking or something

Sure thing. Ill be up all night working and taking a test at 8 in the morning. When I'm done with that I'll be coming straight home for a well deserved break haha

I'm back, if you're still wishing to hear

I'd love to hear, I just got home

Sorry I just sort of slammed it there

Well.. to begin.. I'd figure I'd just start from the beginning

I was a very emotional child. Nothing much has changed. But anyways, I was not really rebellious but I had anger problems. I don't anymore, well.. I might have outbursts but far less. The self-hating and pity came in at an age.. so young.. it coincides with my mom remarrying. Around age 7 was when it really started coming into play. I was awkward. I was (according to the doctor) very intelligent for my age and predicted that I will succed in school. I never have until college. I just never cared about grades. My stepdad was a very instrumental, authoritative figure more than a father. He was.. to put it bluntly, violent. He'd always say that I was selfish and a terrible kid. He was more of a mental manipulator than physical.. but he could get very physical. The worst time was when I was dragged upstairs once by my hair... he'd get angry at me over petty things.. hell, he'd get mad at me for getting mad at something. The self doubt only grew. By High School rolled around, I had no friends. I had no one to call a friend. Traveling so much, from Ohio to Indiana to Arizona to Alaska and back to Indiana and now in Ohio really prevented me from establishing long term relationships. But anyways.. High School in Indiana, especially living in that small, backwards town of 2,500 people took a major toll on me. I was often bullied and beaten and singled out. Even to the point of an ex-girlfriend accusing me that I raped her, despite text and email evidence on the contrary. My reputation is currently totally tarnished in that town. I tried working at a local store and they said "They don't hire rapists." So.. after graduation, we were told that we were going to more to Toledo, Ohio. We didn't move until March of next year, so from June of 2011 to March of 2012, I did nothing useful except prepare the house for moving. At this time, my sexuality was very conflicting, but more on that later on. My schedule was pretty terrible. I'd wake up around 4pm and sleep at 4-6am. Severe moments of suicidal thoughts (and two acts that nearly succeeded, one included drinking an entire bottle of pain killer and the other was locking myself in the garage with a running car to try to poison my lungs) and depression was rampant. By Early 2012, I was self harming gratuitously. I still do. By the time we moved to Toledo, things seemed to look up. The summer of 2012 was a great time. I was paid $100 weekly to take my little brother to and from preschool. I bonded with him greatly. The self harm worsened, though. Constant self-belittling was the culprit. By August of 2012, I enrolled in College and lived on a campus apartment. That was almost the death nail for me. Within a month, I was habitually missing class. I cut in the bathroom and struggled to not let my roommates see. On early morning November 4th, 2012, I decided once again to finally terminate my life. My roommates saw blood on the bathroom counter and I was taken to the hospital after they dialed 911. I spent a week in the hospital. That... experience is still very fresh. After that, I withdrew from all 5 of my classes just in time to save myself from expulsion and I landed myself a job at a Hockey Arena. I took up part time classes the next winter and worked my way into full time, as I am now. By this time, I was sick of being a guy. In 2013, I knew I was going to be happier living as a woman. The cutting waned slightly. In early 2015, I began my hormone regiment. I've been on hormones for 9+ months now. I am better now than I was but... it is not saying much. This year alone, I've self-harmed more than I have in the past years combined. Whenever I'd be "misgendered" (Biting my tongue over that word), I'd want to scream and say that I'm not a man. Being called beautiful.. it warms my heart. Being referred to as "he'.. destroys me.

This is to the best of my knowledge, of why I hate myself. And why I think others secretly hate me, too.

That was quite a ride. I'm from the south myself, so I'm a little used to the small town idiots with their justice boners. You seem to care very much for what other people think of you. You've been around the north alot, I'm interested to hear how that was.

Why do you think you constantly berate yourself? Is it because everyone else you looked up to did it?

Give me a bit my system is doing a forced restart -_-

While I've lived in the "north', I've been around to virtually every corner of the nation. I've been to New York (Oh god I didn't even tell you about the trauma of what happened there..), Alabama, Michigan, Texas (George Bush Intercontinental Airport), North Carolina, Montana, Utah, Colorado, North Dakota, Illinois.. just to name a few.

I love the country. I love living amidst the farms and woods, but the people who live out there think of me in a very negative light. At least that is what I'm led to assume.. In the state of Indiana, there's a reason why they call it the most miserable state. People who think they're southerners and that you only matter if you had land, a big truck, and camouflage garments. And that you chewed tobacco. I know I hate the town I used to live in, but at the same time, I miss the vibe. Everyone was... generally nice. As long as they didn't know my name. Now the "far" north in Alaska.. that was an experience I'll never forget. I lived there for a year. I guess that's all it took. I've seen some spectacular things there. Denali was stunning. The vast forests were beautiful. The wildlife was abundant. When I moved, people thought I lived in an igloo. Guess they don't realize that there is civilization up there, but I digress. Alaska is good. Indiana is bad. That's my conclusion of the "north".

I berate myself.. because.. I want to be my ideal self. The standard I have for myself is phenomenally high. I need to be the cutest. I need to be the sexiest. I need to be the thinnest (That's another problem that has arisen recently.. anorexia). I feel like I need to leave an impression on others, a positive one. I belittle and berate myself over these things. In particular, I beat myself up constantly really just spontaneously. Whenever someone would ask me what I thought of myself, I'd say something very unflattering. And yes.. the people I looked up to, the backstabbing.. led me to find it difficult to trust. I find it hard to trust my own mother.

Heh. Yea, I know that feel on many levels. I've come to understand in these last few months that I'll never truly be my ideal self; Even so however I'll still work toward it. Like you are, in a way.

Why did you move around so much? Thats a lot of of places! I lived next to Bush Intercontinental my whole life near Houston. I'm in Ney York right now and I'll bet you'd love this place. Very scenic but not too many bumkins.

Whats happened in NY?