Sure, gimme a second.

Huh, what happened to him

Once in a while freak occurrence, but not something routine.
I believe you've told me about this before, has it gotten worse?

well, maybe a bit, but i'm getting a lot of nightmares and such.

also i've been horrible the last few days.. I can't figure out what to do, i don't have a job or school, i just go to bed all the time and cry..

That's another thing you've mentioned before. Seems like you have nightmares all the time.
The last few days.. God my sense of time is so distorted. When did we last speak? Why don't you try finding a job? Or maybe try hanging out with your friends. Crying at home won't help.

whenever i'm with my friends i feel icky and want to be at home.. :/

i'd much rather want some kind of school, where i can draw and stuff, i haven't drawn anything since that Thursday.

i don't feel suicidal i don't want to die, but right now i just want to fall sleep forever.

Sorry to hear that.

I see what you mean, but I really don't know what to tell you. Denmark is different from the U.S. as is, I wouldn't even know what to tell someone from here.

Well, just sleep I guess. Do what you want.

yeah but at least i'm getting taken cared for.

I'm sure i'll manage, in the end we all do.

Always a silver lining.

Mmhm, you're human, dammit. Resilient, you can do it.

hopefully.

also on another note, thoughts about season 3?

I've only seen the premiere two parter and I wasn't all that impressed.

me neither, i still think the discord episodes were best because they tried to be funny, and not all "epic" like the other ones.

Still haven't watched the newest episode where trixie returns, was waiting for 1080p videos, probably out now but i haven't looked it up for some reason.

Yeah, I don't think I'll be watching season 3 at all. I went on a pony bender for a little while there, but I guess I'm over it.

oww, guess it had to come to an end at some point.

what do you mean with bender exactly..?

A term commonly used to describe a period of time (preferably more than 24 hours) spent escaping life's harsh realities (marriage, work etc) Consumption of alcohol and drugs is a must. Anything goes.

I just substituted drugs for ponies. All I did all day was look at pony comics, think about ponies. I no longer care for them. I guess all good things must come to an end.

Huh?

that all good things must come to an end, that we can't stick with one thing.

but that thought is kinda scary isn't it..? that something could keep you amused and entertained forever.
kind of like heaven, sounds scary.

I think it's possible, but the show was a simple form of entertainment. For example, I've been around people, friends I've known for years. I don't just up and leave them.

You're kind of straying here. I wasn't in this kind of state of Nirvana while liking ponies, I simply had something to occupy my time. You do bring up an interesting point, though. When I was a child, I was very religious. However, the idea of heaven scared the hell out of me. I hope to live a long happy life, but the idea of living forever scares the ever living shit out of me.

I know you wasn't but well, exagarating to promote understanding, at least for me it's some kind of nirvana, if i woke up tomorrow and all of the fandom and show was gone and i was the only who could remember anything about it, i know i would be crushed. But that's silly thinking anyways.

Is the state you're supposedly in when you're in heaven even mentioned anywhere in the bible?
I wish i could trick myself into believing i could be reborn as whatever i wanted when i die, it would probably make my life a lot easier to live.

I already know my surrounding area very well, but I do enjoy being out at night.

Well i live in the suburbs, so there's always some unknown cracks you can slip into and fine new surroundings.

Also, if i feel like seeing stars, i have to drive a few miles away from my town.

Not so for me. I can see stars at night just out in my yard, and even in the morning.

I used to think people who went "star gazing" were fucking stupid, but I can understand it now.

I look up into the sky at 1 am, and i see a yellow orange poop brown colour.

Fucking light pollution, i love watching stars.

That blows. I love to look up at the sky and think. Think about random simple things, or complex things like the physics involved with stars and what not. Always makes me feel at peace.

And that fucking image, man. Funny story. My friend brings his flash drive to school so he can turn in a project, and he had his reaction folder on it. We started looking through his reaction folder, and I wasn't really paying attention. I hear him say "Oh, Brody, check this one out, it's one of my favorites." and I see that fucking image staring me down. I got kicked out of the library for laughing like a god damned hyena.

Me too, me too.

Oh god lol, reminds me of a story i had, was celebrating my 18th with some guys, so we went to see the new james bond movie, and my friend looked at me in the end, as james bond was crying as a major person had died, and he just made face from the funniest ever inside joke we have, which was relevant to what was happening in the movie.

Everyone was shedding a tear, and i was just sitting their making bubbling and grunting noises, holding my face to keep myself from bursting into laughter..

_Everybody had a hard year
Everybody had a good time
**Everybody had a wet dream
**Everybody saw the sunshine_
Made me think of that. No shame, it's bound to happen if you don't fap or have sex for an extended period of time.

I think I've told you about this before, and it should be evident in how I usually talk. I don't miss any particular part about the past, I just miss the past. I'm so jaded, cynical, and bored with life, and I'm only 17. It's not a huge issue, really. Usually when I fall asleep in those places I'll wake up heart racing, and I hate it, but it's not because I've had dreams. I never dream when I fall asleep there. Don't know the problem, but it's not even a big problem to begin with.

I love dogs, they're so great. I do have some reservations, fear I would be a bad owner with my anger issues, but I never get angry at animals, so I should be fine.

Hope you enjoy being with your friend. Friday was fairly boring, but I can't complain.

Yep, a minor setback, but i can live with it.

And in 5 years you'll miss the time you were 17, in 10 years the time you were 22. You gotta live in present i guess.

I'm with my friends right now, so can't engage in longer chats.

I admire your perseverance.

You have a point. It's possible I'm just doomed to live in the past, and I need to just learn how to deal with it. Some problems in life can't be solved, really, just dealt with.

Got it.

Once you've gone clean for a little while the thought of touching yourself seems just, inappropriate, though when people flirt with me here i get excited really fast.. heh.

I feel the same, i think a lot of people do.

Well no longer, just relaxing at home now.

Shit, I'm like that now.

Hmm, okay then. I hope you enjoyed the time you spent with your friends.

Have you joined me in my quest for inner cleansing and perseverance?

No, what gave you that idea?

"Shit, I'm like that now."

I have no idea on what else you meant with that.

>though when people flirt with me here i get excited really fast

Although the only difference is not on here. I rarely talk to people on here.

Well, i'm feeling fantastic on fj right now, i've regained that sense of excitement when i type in my account details, thought not fapping has made me a lot more shy, i don't know how that connects.

Good to know you're "enjoying" real life, just sucks when you sometimes get that flashing thought that everything is pointless.

I'm glad that was only momentary.

Eh, like I said, all about coping. I just need to learn to deal with it and stop being such a baby. I feel fine right now. Great day at school, though I feel kind of depressed I'll be done with school in only a few weeks.

Last few weeks months i haven't even had school really.. I'm just glad i don't have parents smacking me for not doing anything, you hear a lot of people suffering from that.

Maybe it's because i still draw though.

Don't you have finals soon then? If so, i wish you good luck.

Sounds like your parents are pretty cool.

Thanks for that, but I won't need luck. School is fucking easy, man.

lol oh well..

But as for being depressed school will end, you might have trouble coping, but it still sounds like you ahve plenty of energy, won't you be able to do something new and exciting when school ends..?

I'll live normally, I guess. I won't be seeing quite a few people I will miss, although I would never admit that to them, but I'll still be seeing my friends. Probably work for a while, then go up to college.
Hardly exciting, but it's something.

Why not admit? Else those feelings will just go in vain, at least i think they should be shared if it's your last time seeing them(on a daily basis), but well, that's just me.

Don't you think it would be good with a hobby?

I see no reason to. Everyone there knows me as a cold, cynical, sarcastic guy. Seem kind of out of place to go all sentimental on them one day.

You remember who you're talking to, right? I don't have interests or hobbies. I do whatever seems right, and if there's nothing, I listen to music all day. I won't have all that much time while working anyways.

oh well, i guess your hobby is music, your really dig yourself into that stuff.

I don't see it as a hobby, but sure.
I'm guessing your hobby is drawing, right?

That, but there's also a new thing which i've begun on, and that is sometimes getting on my bike in the middle of the night, choose a random direction and just drive into the unknown, exploring.

It's just like a video game.. but in real life!

Please ignore the comment I left on your profile, this will be much easier, I'll comment on this whole thing after.

This is so confusing now..

I was rushing, apologies. I wanted to get the comment in before you replied to the one on your profile, but it seems I was too late. Let's just start here.

I have to ask, what exactly do you know about the circumstances of my departure?

I'm sorry to hear that. Why did you originally start going to the psychiatrist? I recall you always detested the idea of going to a psychiatrist, or even taking meds for that matter.

Something about a virus, i also had a talk with sohard that he thought this was your new account, but i didn't feel like pushing on.

Well i decided to do it for my own sake and my mothers, she started crying because she didn't know what to do with me, and the days up to my birthday (as i had predicted) were very depressing for me.

And well i visited this psychiatrist for this first time this monday, after 25 minutes he was all like "you have severe depression" and he had decided that i should be taken to the emergency room against my will.

I see. No sense dwelling on the past then!

Oh! I must have missed your big 18, I'm sorry to hear that. Happy extremely late birthday, friend. Did you ever get to go play the new Amnesia with your friend? If I recall that was something you had been looking forward to.

That doesn't sound like a very good psychiatrist. It seems like he was just trying to get you through with. Forcing you into the ER won't help any at all. Is there any more recent news on that front?


As for myself, things have been, well, very odd. I would say that my life is the best it's ever been. Everyone in my family is doing great, I'm off my anxiety medication, and I only go to my therapist monthly. At this point, she's like a friend and all I do is chat with her about school and what not. My relationships with my friends have never been better, and women are fucking all over me at school, a fact that would shock you if you ever saw me. I woke up to 72 text messages this morning from people from school who took the time out of their day to wish me a happy Thanksgiving (and a happy birthday, as a joke, it's not my birthday). My grades are superb, and I'll have no problem getting into a college.
The real kicker here? I'm fucking miserable. I don't know why. All of this, and yet I feel like something is missing. I would be lying if I didn't say suicide is on my mind every day, but that's just me whining and being ungrateful. My cousin suggests I get a girlfriend, someone to care about, and my friend recommends becoming an alcoholic. At this point, I'm shooting for the latter.

Oh yes the big 18, i despised the day with every fiber in my body, cried when it passed midnight and it was my birthday, and i cried myself to sleep when the guests had left.

Amnesia's release was delayed to early 2013, but she doesn't seem as hyped as me, and it seems like she tells me she's going to send me a letter just to get peace from me because the letters never come, so i just feel like a creep whenever talking to her.

Well that was monday tuesday, yesterday i got checked for schiz and stuff like that because i might have symptoms(voices when i try to sleep and what not) but i was deemed to healthy so i guess that's good.

Good news is that this nurse is going to visit me and talk to me for 1 hour 3 times a week, so hopefully i can get some things done, she's also really sweet and friendly.

I continue to have nightmares about my childhood home, a month ago i even had it 3 nights in a row, just inverted my mind completely.
----------------------------------------------------------

I wish i knew how to help you, i have plenty of friends always ready to spend time with me, but it's always video games and i'm always miserable when i go to sleep, you've read my poems after all.

What's missing?

(Also i'm connecting with my asexual side, haven't fapped since before my birthday, i don't plan on doing it ever again)

I can say the same, I wish I knew how to help you, but this seems like something very personal, something I could never hope to understand.

Ah, that sucks. The last game I played was BO II at a friend's house. Seems like I lost all passion for gaming. Also, I think you're interpreting that wrong. People have their own lives, but I don't think she's deliberately avoiding you.

That is good news! The nurse sounds like she actually cares about her job instead of that damned psychiatrist.

I see, I see. It do remember your childhood always being at the center of this problem, if you will. Forgive my memory lapse, but was your childhood traumatic? I know you've mentioned time and time again your fear of sleeping and dreaming, but does it extend past that? Forgive me if I'm pressing too hard.

It's perfectly fine. No one can help me but myself. I'm around friends quite a bit as well, and I can almost identify exactly with you there. When I'm around people, and having fun, I enjoy it immensely. After the fact, though, I always feel empty, like I'm missing something.

What's missing is the question I ask myself every day. I'm actually starting to think it's a girlfriend, someone to spend my life with. OBVIOUSLY a girlfriend does not equal wife, but you get what I mean. At this point, I have no doubt I would be able to get one, and there is one I kind of have my eye on, but I just don't know.

Ha! Quite the opposite here. I've fapped at least 5 times today. God, that isn't healthy.

And now i have even more money, i have like 4k $ and i use it on nothing, except for the occasional visit at the hobby shop to buy some yugioh cards, tbh i do it more because i enjoy seeing the shopkeeper.

I do have fun with gaming though, especially with a friend i've been connecting to as of lately, he only lives 20 seconds from my house lol, and you're right i was being to negative there, we still have conversations, and she drew me a drawing for my birthday.

Yep i'm looking forward to speaking with her, she'll be here in 2 hours.

I wouldn't say traumatic, but it has always been weird, and frankly i hate this world, it's to complicated, i know we've talked about that before. And you're not pressing to hard i just don't know what to say.

All of my this, even my drawings, i'm drawing better than ever, but they seem so pointless, suddenly i think food is disgusting it's just mucky sludge in our mouths that we're programmed to like because we need it to live.

I know that feel, but i loved to draw suddenly that became pointless, if i got a girlfriend it would be the best, but what if she suddenly became pointless as well? It's scary.

Re minds of the time you said "There was a time where the only thing i could look forward to was the next fap" I think you should turn the fapping down a bit dumer.

Jesus Fucking Christ I jelly. I have like $200 USD. I've been meaning to get a job, but eh.

I envy you then! The only thing I enjoy about gaming is being with friends. Solo gaming is nothing anymore. See? Seems we're all too negative.

I'm sad to hear you say that. And yeah, we've talked about it quite a bit. It seems like we always just drop it in the end. Agree to disagree, I guess.

Heh, spot on assertion, man. I've lost close to 14kg recently. I hate food now. I can only eat it when I'm VERY hungry.

I was talking about something similar with Phancat a few days ago. We spend our whole lives chasing goals, but when we reach them, they seem so pointless. It's not that we shouldn't chase the goals, but it's the chase that matters, the pursuit. I've always said it's about the journey, not the destination, but only now do I realize it.
Hell, I'm doing nothing right now. Let's say I go after this girl, and it works out, great. If it becomes pointless, at least I had that momentary happiness there. If not, oh well.

Well, that's a misleading statistic there. Like I said before, it's impossible for me to sleep right now. All my fapping was done in a short period to try and tire myself out and get to sleep. It goes without saying that my endeavor was not fruitful.

Heh, I think maybe we're both just pieces of work. Right on the breach of becoming adults but, at least I, just want to stay a kid. I feel like we'll both be fine in the future, but that doesn't really change the present, does it?

That chase, yeah i guess that's it, but still i love writing poems, i don't feel like i can get better at writing them, i think they "sophisticated" enough as they can be right now but i still like writing them.

I've reached my final destination with writing poems but they don't seem all that pointless, i can capture my feelings pretty well with them, i'm still chasing for those skills within drawing, there's so many feelings and things i want to draw but i jut can't capture them at all.

A fap session to help you fall asleep? lol i'm gonna call vasted effort on that one, insomnia isn't fixed by fapping in my opinion.

And the present remains skewered, i have little to look forward to in the future, but it keeps me alive "i guess".

Then it may not be a universal truth. I can't say why you like writing poems, you just do.

Funny, I feel when things become menial, I get bored. Maybe that's why I'm so dissatisfied, life has become too normal. Too easy. That's a fucking paradox. Life is hardest when it's easy. DAMN YOU NATURE.

I don't think it's insomnia, I was just really hyped up. Drank coffee, like an idiot, and I thought fapping would fix it. Shit! Nothing else was working.

It's cruel to say, but is a life with no meaning really worth living? I don't think so.

That paradox yeah, i have no job, no school no homework, i get 3 meals a day and a warm bed, i can draw all i want, i have money i can basically go out there and do whatever the fuck i want, but i choose to sit in my room, watching pictures on my wall, crying while i listen to music.

Well is anything without meaning worth doing? Our true meaning is have kids make sure they survive and then die.
But humanity does not need anymore kids, we're born into a playground where we can do whatever we want, hopefully i can get help to enjoying this playground.

I think maybe I should get out more. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, as they say.

Funny, you always argued against that when I insisted it was the only meaning to life.
Wouldn't the enjoyment come from some kind of purpose, or meaning?

Maybe it's time to venture away from fj, find a new place, maybe tumblr.. I knew the time on fj have to come to an end, like anything else.

I don't know what i believe anymore, so it doesn't surprise me that i contradict myself.
But well, don't we decide the purpose and meanings ourselves?

Hell, I've been coming here less and less as is. Usually just browse the frontpage when I get home from school, then go out and do whatever. I didn't necessarily mean to another site, I really meant off the internet. Time to start living in the real world. Seems like everyone here has some kind of problem. Still, don't you have some very good friends here on FJ? Do you think you'll be able to leave them behind?

We do decide the purpose and meaning ourselves, but the way you said it was like you didn't need a purpose or meaning, just needed a way to have fun on this big giant playground.

(afk for a little while, have to get dressed and stuff, shower)

What do you do in real life then? curious.

Well i do have some friends, but i don't really feel happy when i'm here, i'm not excited as i type in my account details, just feels like this grey forum,i've thought about starting over from an alt though, maybe that would "spice" things up a bit.

WEll to have fun you need to do something fun, and that usually carries meaning or purpose in some way,
i love drawing, i just wish i didn't feel so alone while doing it.

That's always a difficult thing to answer, not sure why.

I've been spending a lot of time with my dog lately. He's getting old, so he can't do much, but I like to go out and sit on the porch with him. I'll usually just sit down in the cold and listen to music, with him sitting by my side. He's a big boxer, but thinks he's a lapdog. He seems to enjoy it, so I do as well.
Lots of schoolwork. I was going to football games a lot, even announced the homecoming court at the biggest game of the year, but we were knocked out of the playoffs, so no more of that.
A lot more people who I wouldn't really call friends, more acquaintances really, have been inviting me out a lot more. This new found popularity is... unsettling. Still, I think I'm going to start taking them up on their offers.
I'm almost ALWAYS listening to music, it's the only time I feel sane and collected. At this point, I can sing albums forwards and backwards. When I'm not in school, weekends and holidays, I pretty much live at Ashton's house. He's become like a brother to me, and his family like a second family.

I see. Still, it seemed like some of the people meant a lot to you, and you've always been kind of an affectionate person. But I can say I know the feel. This damned layout is so depressing.

You and drawing seem to have a love and hate relationship. Drawing is really a solitary thing to do. Something you need to understand is that being alone, and being lonely are two different things.

And yeah, take your time, it doesn't look like I'll be sleeping anytime soon.

Seems like i was gone for to long and you went to bed, anyways the nurse should be here any minute, but still sorry for being gone for so long.

I like to sit on the hill in front of my old house and look at it, crying, around a week ago i even tried falling asleep there, but it was to cold, it was very comforting though.

Also i know it's at the back of your mind, but you gotta prepare for the passing of your dog, embrace yourself in some way or it will get you to far down, i hope enjoy all the time you have left together though.

Backwards for me, i used to be very popular, now people never come by to visit without making notice, i'm sure it would all go back to the old if i got the house back.. funny how our situations are backwards.

That's whyi might make that alt, a clean start would maybe do me good, i regret a lot of things, i guess it's cowardly to hide behind a new name, but if i feel best that way then maybe it's a good thing, gotta think about myself after all.

Well, i feel lonely drawing alone, so it's kind of both.

Sleep well, hope to see you tomorrow.

I apologize for that. The call of sweet slumber was too much for me to handle. I've never been one with great willpower.

See, most people would think you're crazy for that, but I do the same thing. I like to go sit out at places I have memories, just sit and remember. I've also fallen asleep in lots of weird places.

Don't worry about that, I'm more than prepared. I get I give off the image of being cold and unfeeling, but I've always had a feel for animals, dogs in particular. It's going to be sad, and I may even cry, but he's been a great dog, the best. When I go off to college, I may even get a boxer pup. Not to replace him, I could never, but I want a dog.

I don't know which I like more. That old house of yours always seems to be there, huh?

I would actually respect you for it. I made this account because I was told to, but I feel no regret. Everything that happened, all the people I once talked to on a daily basis, they now mean nothing to me. They're just memories. I wish I could say that scares me, but it doesn't. I'm through caring. I wish you the best of luck if you choose to make that new account then.

Mmhm. Again, sorry I left so suddenly, and I hope you had a good day.

That was me of course.

I wouldn't say my favorite, but I do like his plays.

Hello to you.
May I ask the reason for the random friend request?

Just wanted to meet some people and you seemed nice enough to accept a friend request.

Good enough reason as any!
I can never really deny a request, but thanks for the compliment I guess. I'm always happy to meet new people.
How are you today?

A little tired though I'm just about to go to bed. Have a nice day/night/afternoon/abstraction of time.

Aww, damn. I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow or whenever. What's the point in making friends if you never talk, yes?
Sleep well.

My addiction to funnyjunk brought me back long enough to say: This isn't it!

I don't quite understand.