Hey man sorry for all the heartache you've had to endure. I've gone through pretty serious depression phases before and i know that suicide is appealing but whatever strands of hope you have to hang on to, don't let those little things go. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts pretty bad before but it feels amazing to finally move on. I'm sure you'll pull through. I personally know its possible.

hang tough bro

i think that although you go through the bad it gets raplaced by so much more good my friend and for the weed thing dude keep at it i dont know where you live but see if you can get a medicinal note for it it largely helps with depression and if you cant its not very hard to hide it seriosly double bad it get smell proof grinders that kinda shit it can all be bought on the internet and depending on where your from if the police search you but they cant find any weed just say you use the grinder n shizz for herbal remedys i hope you fell good bro, because just know that were all human and we are All brothers and sisters in this beautiful world.