Woops...
[url deleted]

Goddamnit...
[url deleted]

Fuck it... just search for Skyrim - Unarmed Badass Viking Commentary on youtube

Okay, here it goes:

A rich, powerful, and very pious lord is packing his weapons and supplies for the Crusade.
As he is going, he installs on his wife a chastity belt: a device, usually made of leather, designed to prevent people from having sexual intercourse by blocking access to the vagina. However, this one is specifically made to not prevent intercourse, but PUNISH it, by the use of a built-in guillotine.
When the lord comes back from the Crusade, he orders every single man in the castle and on his lands, from the other nobles to the simple, poor peasant, to line up in the castle's courtyard and drop his pants. Much to his surprise, thinking he was surrounded by loyal men for all these years, everyone's PENIS was missing, due to the guillotine. Well, except for the blacksmith, who lost his due to an unfortunate accident a few years back... but let's not go into details.
As he is inspecting, he sees that someone's PENIS was intact, in pristine condition. It was a manservant, that has been assigned the low, degrading tasks of the castle, such as cleaning the toilet, for as long as anyone can remember.
The lord, very surprised, and glad, approaches the manservant and says to him: "Ah! Finally someone I can count on! I find it surprising that a simple manservant could be the only person who did not betray me! As a reward, you will be offered to marry my daughter, and become an officer in my army! Say, now, lad, what is your name? We've got some paperwork to do."
Astonished, the manservant does not answer, and looks at the lord pitifully.
The lord, impatient, asks nervously: "What? Did someone cut off your tongue or something?"