Step 1: Handfeed squirrels.
Step 2: Always have music around me, gradually increase the bass every time I feed them.
Step 3: Associate the thumpinest of bass with feeding time.
Step 4: Only feed them through a car window.
Step 5: Soon, every ************
that insists upon rattling my windows at 5 AM will be assaulted by an army of squirrels pouring through the window in search of noms.
Look for me in the tabloids.
"MAN TRAINS SQUIRRELS TO BE RACIST"
"6 GANGSTERS THOROUGHLY NIBBLED"
"VICTIM: SQUIRRELS STOLE MY GODDAMN SUNFLOWER SEEDS"