I used to have a lot of problems with people calling me on withheld numbers and trying to sell me stuff. General irritating cold calls, mostly foreign people on the other end of the line. One day, I got fed up of answering the phone only to hang up straight away, I decided to have a little fun. I remembered something I’d seen on Funnyjunk a long time ago, and a component of the compilation came to me. The phone rang, showing a withheld number. I took a chance, and answered…
Me: "Hello, Stevie's Crematorium, you kill 'em, we grill 'em!"
Them: "Er... Um... I'm (their name) calling about (whatever the **** insurance company)
Me: "Is there someone you'd like to cremate with us today?"
Them: "No... I'm calling about (Insurance) and we've heard you might have some claims to make..."
Me: "So what's the name I'm searching for?"
Them: "Oh, my name is (for the sake of argument) Suzie Cardell from (insurance company) and I’m calling to…"
Me: "I'm sorry dear, there's no one by that name in our register. Would you like to book a cremation? We do wakes as well"
Them: "No, thanks, er, I think I have the wrong number..."
Me: "Well if you change your mind, just remember, if it's not hot, it's not Stevie’s! Book this week and get a free barbeque!"
I never heard from them again.