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Poem for my dads funeral

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Views: 2500 Submitted: 12/13/2012
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> hey anon, wanna give your opinion?
asd
User avatar #1 - euchreplayer
Reply +1 123456789123345869
(12/13/2012) [-]
Did you write this? If so.. it almost seems like from the line "I'll gently whisper it's ok" on, that you take the role of your father and are looking at yourself. You, as your dad, will be with you, cheering you on, and always love you. I'm not sure what to think of this.
User avatar #2 to #1 - manbearpiglet [OP]
Reply +1 123456789123345869
(12/13/2012) [-]
I did write it. It's not the greatest thing but it means a lot to me.
User avatar #6 to #2 - euchreplayer
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(12/13/2012) [-]
Some edits. If you like, use them. If not, oh well. Supposed to be breaks every 4 lines. Wouldn't let me have more than 25 line breaks in the comment.
"If you see me in the faces of a crowd
In the corners of your gaze
The reflection in a mirror
I was watching you those days
Even when it's hard to hear
Over the noise in crowded room
If you hear my voice in a whisper
I was guiding you from here
If you feel a presence in the silence
A peace when you don't know what to do
Some comfort far beyond your grasp
I was listening for you
I'll be cheering in your triumphs
I will always come through
You'll never have to wonder
I'll be with you everyday
No matter what you face ahead
I'll gently whisper it's ok
You'll never have to be alone
Because I'll always love you"
User avatar #7 to #6 - euchreplayer
Reply +1 123456789123345869
(12/13/2012) [-]
I'm not feeling my artistic writing ability too strongly right now, so I'm not going to try revising words. A line I might want to reword is
"I was listening for you" I like the idea, but I'm not sure about the wording. Maybe something along the lines of "I was there, soothing you"?
User avatar #9 to #7 - manbearpiglet [OP]
Reply +1 123456789123345869
(12/13/2012) [-]
The only problem with the revisions you presented are that it takes the flow and rhyme scheme out of the poem. I do agree it gets a little rough at places....but I think that right now it is ok.
User avatar #8 to #6 - sabdoor
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(12/13/2012) [-]
You do not edit a poem ,you dick.
User avatar #3 to #1 - manbearpiglet [OP]
Reply +1 123456789123345869
(12/13/2012) [-]
and the whole thing was suposed to be from his perspective.
User avatar #4 to #3 - euchreplayer
Reply +1 123456789123345869
(12/13/2012) [-]
now I see what you mean. being as tired as I am, hopefully you'll forgive my mistake.
User avatar #5 to #4 - manbearpiglet [OP]
Reply +2 123456789123345869
(12/13/2012) [-]
Well, I am glad for some perspective from anywhere else, thank you
User avatar #11 - winsauceiswin
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(12/14/2012) [-]
is your name Tyler?
User avatar #12 to #11 - winsauceiswin
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(12/14/2012) [-]
if your name is indeed: Tyler James Mathieson then you are very talented and deserve this thumb. if you are not then **** you for steeling someones wonderful work of art!!!
User avatar #13 to #12 - manbearpiglet [OP]
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(12/15/2012) [-]
I see you found my writerscafe profile haha
User avatar #14 to #13 - winsauceiswin
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(12/15/2012) [-]
it is you then! thumb deserved but funnyjunk will probably repost this. you can never be too careful these days lol glad it really is you not some thumbwhore
User avatar #15 to #14 - fortminorj
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(12/19/2012) [-]
don't be so sure, for I AM THE REAL TYLER JAMES MATHIESON
User avatar #16 to #15 - winsauceiswin
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(12/19/2012) [-]
lol are you?
User avatar #17 to #16 - fortminorj
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(12/19/2012) [-]
there's no way to be sure. shoot us both.
User avatar #18 to #17 - winsauceiswin
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(12/19/2012) [-]
lol shoot neither of you
User avatar #10 - gunboyx
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(12/14/2012) [-]
Dude, you got this from a manga....