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secret about your job

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Views: 38677
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Submitted: 06/27/2014
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User avatar #1 - tranquilizer ONLINE (06/27/2014) [+] (1 reply)
We sold stuff the customers accidentally left on the shelves
User avatar #12 - zachariaseverlivin (06/27/2014) [+] (11 replies)
This one time, at band camp, I watched a girl shove a flute up her pussy
#18 - pharoc ONLINE (06/27/2014) [-]
If I go to the gym before work I sweat like hell so I usually work with my top off if no one is around.

Pic related, it's how I think I look in work ... it's not
#220 - lollane (06/27/2014) [+] (7 replies)
Okay ******* , story time. I work at a restaurant that is pretty large so instead of being a waiter I just run the food to tables and do dishes and **** . I guess you could say I'm a bus boy but we just call it being a runner. Anyway.
>Be working at restaurant for a year and a half now, know everyone, really close
>Friends with kitchen staff so sometimes I go back there and make my own creations
>Well today I was feeling like eating a burrito
>come up with an idea
>Mahi burrito (I work at a seafood place, most people don't know mahi is fish)
>we usually use the mahi for small tacos
> **** that **** I need more
>I'm a grown ass man
>8.oz of grilled mahi, sour cream, rice, pico de gallo, lettuce, black beans
>debate on whether or not to get beans, decide to go for it
>tell the kitchen of my plan, we create the beast
>guy on the grill accidentally makes two packs of mahi
>"sorry anon, it may be too much"
>no
>it will never be too much
>A ******* pound of fish in this burrito god damn
User avatar #221 to #220 - lollane (06/27/2014) [-]
>i see it in its full glory, finished and ready to eat
>round and thick like something that is round and thick
>dripping like a faucet
>mybodyisready.jpg
>I take a bite, and the burrito covers my mouth with its love
>most delicious burrito I have ever had
>get half way through, stomach is doing flips
> ************************* .jpg
>manage to stomach the whole thing
>go back to work like nothing happened
>an hour later, I feel it in my loins, the beast fights for freedom
>usain bolt it to the bathroom
>before I can even sit down it erupts like a cajun volcano
>asshole is spewing fire, can physically feel my asshole sweating
>onlythedeadcanknowpeace.jpg
>try to flush after the brown monsoon has ended, ******* handle breaks
> ****************
>leave bathroom immediately and wipe sweat from face
>tell my boss about the bathroom and blame it on the ham planet who went in before me who had already left
>believes me
>makes a co-worker clean it
>MFW I was poopetrator all along
User avatar #45 - dehfurk (06/27/2014) [+] (7 replies)
I've masturbated at every job/bathroom I possibly could... I don't even know why, it's like a checklist at this point...
User avatar #93 - bigfootluke ONLINE (06/27/2014) [+] (6 replies)
doing IT work at my church. the search history was equivalent to some of the dark reaches of /b/
User avatar #112 - venomousvalentine ONLINE (06/27/2014) [+] (6 replies)
>my job involves salt water invertebrates and fish(snails, crabs, sting rays, small sharks)
>get order of pepermint shrimp from florida
>put them in an empty tank
>notice a contaminant shrimp that is black and 1.5 the size of the peppermints
>ignore it
>come back 20 minutes later to check on all the tanks and make sure the new animals are doing fine in new tanks
>giant ************ is having a punchout with peppermints
>like 10 peppermints trying to kick ************* ass
> ************ punches one in the eye stalk thing
>eye comes off
>OFF
> ************ begins to have karate showdown
>kills and injures half of my peppermints
>I just lost 54 dollars worth of shrimp
>was worth it to see ************ kick so much ass
>I am currently keeping ************ in an isolated tank and will proceed to feed him cut up bits of dead squid...
> ************ is death
> ************ is destruction

Before you ask, I am snakefire, and I no longer have this job.
#336 - EliTheCamel (06/27/2014) [+] (1 reply)
I worked at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay wasn't good but the tips were huge.
#531 - firefaux (06/28/2014) [+] (4 replies)
I majorly ****** up with a babysitting job a few years ago.
> be 15 and babysitting for my moms friend during summer vacation
>hour away in the middle of nowhere
> watching a 14 month old baby
> childproofhouse.exe (even the chairs were child proof)
>parents finally leave at 9, house locked down like Alcatraz
>put on rugrats or some **** , baby taken care of
>sit on couch and play Might Flip Champs on my DSi for a while
>look up, baby's gone
>face color value # ****************
>only living room and dining room aren't locked up, but still not here
>"holy **** the dog door!" revelation
>look out the window into the abyss of nothingness and spot baby
>gottagofast.jpg
>fiddle with back doors baby lock rubix cube
>wont ******* open
> **** it, ill go through the doggy door
>stick head through and already sweating, nowiknowwhataTVdinnerfeelslike.mpeg
>hokey pokey one arm out, then the next
>get to legs, pants get snagged inside the door hinge
>baby starts to wander off even further
> **** it, beast mode engaged, finally get free
>ripped jeans, skin was showing
>hot night, wind was blowing
>where you think you're going baby?
User avatar #6 - timelordeternal (06/27/2014) [+] (5 replies)
I push carts at a grocery store and when people honk at me I pretend like I can't get the machine to work and stop in front of them for a bit.
#376 - Bronboa (06/27/2014) [+] (6 replies)
I used to work for the Pentagon and I've seen classified cases that would turn decorated veterans into whiny emo punks, but the one secret that has stuck with me since I retired over 30 years ago and will haunt me until I reach the grave is one that not even the President can be told, for it completely undermines our sense of "freedom" and "justice" in this country. I was never meant to know this secret and the simple reality that I am still alive tells me that I have a responsibility to tell at least one other person before I have been dealt with.

I caution everyone that still hopes for better world to not look at this spoiler; The Powers That Be do not want you to know this and for centuries they have committed the most horrifying acts of genocide and betrayal to keep it that way, for it can corrupt the purest of souls, fracture the strongest minds and shatter any sense of a merciful "god" watching over our miserable existence.

You have been warned.



No one actually knows why kids like the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
User avatar #142 - spongebobsleg (06/27/2014) [-]
> lifeguard
> girl drowning
> her nip showed
> looked whole time
> didn't complain
User avatar #65 - kirkbot ONLINE (06/27/2014) [+] (5 replies)
in my past job I was anti-piracy operator for rapidshare.com inb4 no pic no proof
It was exactly as you would probably imagine: Browse FJ all day, download as much warez as you can and still earn 5k a month
Also we had regular contact to FBI and Fedpol because of CP
User avatar #11 - charagrin (06/27/2014) [+] (4 replies)
I purposefully have my team de-activate most of an accounts abilities when the customer chooses Windows phones for his business. I do this not because I do not like Windows phones, but because the return rate is so high that I lose about 500 bucks per phone on average when they are returned, and Windows phones have a massive, MASSIVE return rate(about 7 out of 10 within the first month). So I purposefully make them underperform so they are returned within 2 weeks, so my branch is not hit with return chargebacks. Then I sell them a good phone instead.

The problem is every Windows phone is free, so customers go for it to save money. But the phones themselves are weak and limited, and cannot do most of the things I busineses owner would want them to do. So they realize they are free for a reason, and come back to swap them out for a good phone instead. I do not feel I am being dishonest, because I make the same regardless of the phone we sell. I just want the customer to be happy in the long term, and avoid a 500 dollar per line chargeback if possible.
#43 - zaach ONLINE (06/27/2014) [-]
One summer I worked with elderly people who all had different intellectual disabilities. Most of them were really nice but really, really weird. One old man however was ******* crazy. He was always talking about the great war he fought in, which apparently never happened. He was always harassing me and the other teenagers (19 at the time) who helped them, for the simple reason of not fighting in the war for our country. So one day i grew tired of him and told him that a new war was coming, and I update him on the details every day. After a few days i tell him that the germans have taken over our capital. ***************** .jpg. At first he looked shocked and silently went to his room and stayed there for two-three days. Everyone enjoyed the peace and quit since he usually made alot of noise so noone really cared and let him stay in his room. When he got out he looked all normal and walked into the cafeteria for lunch. All of a sudden when everyone's eating he stands up and smashes a wooden chair. He pulls the chairs leg off and starts screaming something about his imaginary friends who were all killed in the great war and charges against an elderly man while screaming something JOIN ME BROTHERS. He stabbed the other man in the gut and all hell breaks loose. Everyone starts screaming and running around and the whole place is crazy. The staff calls for security who wrestles him down. The old man was okay after visiting the hospital, and the crazy ****** was locked up and still is.

This happened three years ago this summer, noone knows that it was me who made him think the war was coming. >MFW
User avatar #495 - richardastley (06/28/2014) [+] (5 replies)
>Worked for foster kids in a home (essentially foster kids who couldn't last in foster parented homes because of behavioural problems)
>Each guy gets to choose a meal once a week and will make it for the house
>Blackest kid chose corn dogs the first week I was there
>Cheap meat wrapped in corn bread
>hahablackpeople.jpg
>Second week he chooses ribs
>I swear next week he's going to pick fried chicken and watermelon
>My supervisor, who is a good cook, shows him how to make amazing ribs
>Everything is going well
>Ribs will be off the BBQ in five minutes
>Scrawny white kid starts freaking out because he had $20 in his wallet and his wallet was locked up as disciplinary action after he was suspended from school
>Starts flipping **** in the kitchen
>Supervisor follows him downstairs
>White kid breaks a bunch of **** in basement
>Goes into the garage
>Black kid starts worrying
>"Oh no, he's in the garage"
>" **** , now he's coming through the front door"
>Black kid starts screaming like a little girl
>"OH NO! OH NO!"
>White kid grabs the BBQ by the front handle and throws it to the ground will all his strength
>"OH NO! THE RIIIIIIBS! NOT THE RIBS! ANYTHING BUT THE RIBS!"
>I can't control my laughter
>White kid is breaking a bunch of furniture on the deck, the supervisor is getting **** thrown at him, I'm not doing anything but laughing, and the black kid is screaming about his ruined ribs
We all had a good laugh about it after work. The white kid got arrested and was back the next day, and the ribs actually turned out okay. The lid on the BBQ didn't open, so a bit of charcoal had to be scraped off and they were fine.
User avatar #134 - dovydude (06/27/2014) [+] (3 replies)
I've once jerked off at work, just for the experience.
I work in a restaurant.
#44 - anonymous (06/27/2014) [+] (2 replies)
Being that this is real and can get me or somebody killed, I will be vague as possible

During the second Chechen war, my unit was sent in to look for a certain Jihadist ... When we found him, it was too easy, which was the problem, what we found that day indeed a shock because of the fact that he was later reported to be alive, though how we found out it wasn't true... The strange thing was, even though we were sent in to take out the threat, our target, along with 47 of his men were found dead in their hideout, the strangest thing wasn't the fact that they were dead, is how they were killed, these men looked like they were literally ripped apart ... and to this day, we can not explain what killed our target and 47 of his men, it wasn't a bear or wolfs, because none of them were eaten... Rumors spread that it was indeed GRU spetsnaz which caused the carnage, but I doubt it, this looked more like some sort of animal.
#214 to #44 - laxwarriord (06/27/2014) [-]
Sure thing anon, sure thing
#287 - hasenco (06/27/2014) [+] (4 replies)
Worked at a no-frills in Canada a few months back trying to make money for college and the entire staff were complete assholes, with a few exceptions. The store owner was this short fat Italian 						*******					 that couldn't keep his personal 						****					 away from his work life. Tells me no matter what that school comes before work because 80% of staff is still in highschool. Well one day i left a notice in the office saying that i would miss a shift next week to do the college tour and that i could pick up another shift if need be. He freaks the 						****					 out and tells me that this isn't how he operates this company blah blah blah. I was feeling a bit cheeky so i started talking about all the issues he has concerning the staff and how he treats every one. This eventually turned into a full blown bitch fest between the store owner, myself and a few other staff members. I end up quitting on the spot, i told the owner that i would come back to clean out my locker tomorrow. I get there and he used bolt cutters to snap my lock, he pulled all my 						****					 out and threw it on the floor (which is 						*******					 disgusting considering 						****					 falls and spills literally all the time in the back room and no one bothers to clean it.) So i get pissed and end up 						********					 in the sink while one of my good friends who also worked there looked out for me.   
   
TL;DR: i 						****					 in the sink of a no-frills employee bathroom after quiting my job
Worked at a no-frills in Canada a few months back trying to make money for college and the entire staff were complete assholes, with a few exceptions. The store owner was this short fat Italian ******* that couldn't keep his personal **** away from his work life. Tells me no matter what that school comes before work because 80% of staff is still in highschool. Well one day i left a notice in the office saying that i would miss a shift next week to do the college tour and that i could pick up another shift if need be. He freaks the **** out and tells me that this isn't how he operates this company blah blah blah. I was feeling a bit cheeky so i started talking about all the issues he has concerning the staff and how he treats every one. This eventually turned into a full blown bitch fest between the store owner, myself and a few other staff members. I end up quitting on the spot, i told the owner that i would come back to clean out my locker tomorrow. I get there and he used bolt cutters to snap my lock, he pulled all my **** out and threw it on the floor (which is ******* disgusting considering **** falls and spills literally all the time in the back room and no one bothers to clean it.) So i get pissed and end up ******** in the sink while one of my good friends who also worked there looked out for me.

TL;DR: i **** in the sink of a no-frills employee bathroom after quiting my job
User avatar #47 - mitchmack (06/27/2014) [-]
Once had a girlfriend i met when at work, first girlfriend in fact.
Fell deeply in love with her, hand-job on the first date, ****** on the second.. felt good man.
I worked full time then, she was still in high-school.
Never got to spend time together other than the weekends.
I have become a very trusted employee at my job, so i was told to cash up and close.
Girlfriend visits just on closing, and we have 30 minutes to kill before she starts her job.
I close the door and turn the lights off, so the security cameras would think no one was home (manager and store owner liked to re-watch tapes)
We make out, **** was cash, then it starts to get heavy.
I finger the **** out of her, she says no but her clit said yes.
Time is getting short, we have to leave.
She stinks of fish.
Staff room with sink is across the room where the cameras will see us.
No time to even go to the public bathroom to wash herself off.
She is annoyed because she is not only due for work, but due for a staff meeting right when work starts.
Still work here to this day, and always remember the time we had when i walk over the spot where we made some carpet stains.
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