A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor' s advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don' t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don' t
say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter' s, not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy' s.
Indeed, an award should go to the Air Malta gate attendant at Luca
airport: some months ago for being customer focused, while making
her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved
to fly as cargo. A crowded flight was cancelled. A single
attendant was a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight
and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The attendant replied, "I' m sorry sir. I' ll
be happy to try to help you, but I' got to help these people first, and
I' m sure we' ll be able to work something out." The passenger was
unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him
could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating,
the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:
May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,"
she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have
a passenger here at Gateau WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With
the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'T... You!" Without flinching,
she smiled and said, "I' m sorry, sir, but you' ll have to get in line for