George Carlin Rice Krispies
George Carlin ~ Rice Krispies
Hey I am going to be posting some stories from
the great comedian George Carlin as a tribute and
because some of the younger funnyjunkies may not
remember back when comedy didn' t consist of
waving your arms and yelling. I present you
George Cardin' s Rice Krispies from his book Napalm
I had an interesting morning; I got into an argument
with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard "Snap, crackle,
fuck you'." I' m not sure which one of them said it; I was
reaching for the artificial sweetener at the time and not
looking directly into the bowl. But I heard it and I said
Well you can all iust sit right there in the milk as far as
I' m concerned until I find out which one of you said it."
Mass punishment. The idea is to turn them against one
Silly me. Big punishment'. That' s what Rice Krispies do.
Sit in the milk. That' s their iob. You' seen them.
Delicate, beige blisters of air, floating proudly in the
milk. And you can' t sink them. They refuse to sink. The
navy ought to use rice krispies in life preservers. That' s
where they' re really needed. And do you know how
Rice Krispies manage to float for such a long time? By
clinging to one another; they buddy up. They gather up
in groups of 8, 10 or sometimes 12, but if you'
noticed it' s always an even number. That' s because the
electromagnetic polarities of Krispies attract them to
one another. It binds them into pairs like subatomic
particles. They form little colonies, and you can' t sink
them, not even with a spoon. They just come up
bobbing over the sides of the spoon, laughing at you
and reveling in their buoyancy. Hard to sink.
r" 1 Do whatever
That' s what the fruit is for. Not for added taste; not for
nutrition; it' s for sinking the Rice Krispies. Believe me, a
good sized peach, hurled at the bowl full force from a
stepladder, can take down eighty or ninety of the little
buggers in one glorious splash. And I have absolutely
no mercy. If I' m really pissed, I' ll climb up to the
upstairs balcony and drop a watermelon on them.
That' II teach them to sass me at breakfast.