Untitled Novel. Hey guys this is the first chapter for my novel, comment criticize as you please! For those that don't understand, earlier I posted asking FJ to
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Untitled Novel

Hey guys this is the first chapter for my novel, comment criticize as you please! For those that don't understand, earlier I posted asking FJ to help me with my book and to comment so that I know whether to post this or not. tomanyusernames, ariusbrightwing, angrytoilet, therealcodyg, thenewmaroi, namehasntbeentaken, funnyhoody, painal, thank you for commenting earlier .

Tags: novel | book | help
Untitled.
chartering
Aidan stood opposite the battlefield from his opponent. Another contestant of outer Radiance who paid the tournament. we ted Aidan the
night before, and med to bribe him match, bestthe man away, damned by his salon. Geno huffed and puffed to catch his breath. mach
looked bored ofthe fight, rewas easyier hrm.
The spectres had been squaring offeer seconds, and knew he would Wm. mach was a speed Spectre, whose
than humans.
Aspected rs a rs permanently latched tothe soul of a human. Aspected can take nearly any shape, Including humans. Aldan' 5 spectre had a laughs
shape, a design ' s own creating. The face spiraled In, meeting at a his nose should be, he was covered In an armor on , head,
and legs. Where mach' skeet should have been, were Instead small gravitational balls, which allowed him to keep his balance, and move asfasf as a bullet,
one place tothe next In the blink of an eye. HIS covered In shiny scales, separated by a hares breadth. when he would run, he would tuck his arms rato his
side, and leave entrace of himself, before appearing gem and dealing a crr cal blow.
petronas a defensive spectre. spectroscope generally one ofthose types, defensive, power, and speed. power breaks defense, speed blazes around power,
and defense negates speed, a virtual of beings. There was also one of srx elements associated with each spectre. mach warfare based, and srsface
acted as a turbine. one ofthe most powerful moves In his arsenal oxygen through his head, and Ignite rt atthe frontward an ethanol vapor, causing a blue
flame to srsface, twentyfive feet of himself. Aidan knowthat Geno' s defense should have been perfecter ,
however, Geno had , let alone be In an actual fight. , both to/ Alden, and mach.
mach began Geno, and danced around hrm. the arr, the scales on his arm rippling lake a lake under a rainbow, reflecting
the colors In the sky. Geno remained motionless, and then struck quickly, sprang his arm straight out. The arm lightfoot, and sent him
ground. mach began to slide, and then rose to a standing posr on gravity In . we balanced himself out as he glided ground,
affecting , he had to control his movements by gravity balls holdong him up. The faster he rotated them In a certain derection, the faster he would go.
we angled them dothat he would run wall, and began rapidly, around and around Geno.
The second function arms, vasto act as a . we placed his arms In front of him and pushed frre butthe front of srsface. The frre began to
leave a darl behind him, and left a visual reprint as he spun around , and faster. Then all of a sudden mach rapidly changed the angle of , and turned
on a drmb noface Geno. The propulsion he garned from runnang round and round slammed him rato Geno' s stone skin. Trench' s hands, which were fastened to a point,
dug rato his body, easaly sinking soft resides once he broke through the outer layer. The blue darl behind him rushed to catch up, and burned through the outside
of his skin, revealing his pank runer layer. mach blew rato his arms, and the frre rato Geno' s body.
mach removed his arms, and bits of burned innards off of his scales, and faced Aidan as Geno m numerated, leaving only heart.
rs a new elementflash was descovered In the late centuri. and both and geologists don' t know rostrum or rns. Comments
and speculation state that ts alien, butthert has been no proof ofthis sofar. Humans learned long ago, through the outcome of an
strange rock, whatwhen combined with the blood of a human, itwould become a beeng trll ofthe human whorage therr blood. The chunk of ore
would grow human wanted. Many people would choose a creature eitherr own design.
Aidan grinned atthe man who owned Geno as he ran togetter stone. we stumbled around patting his pockets lookingfor somethang sharp. we found a small
safety prn, and pricked , drop of blood fall . The stone began tailow a brilliant ruby red asthe blood laced Itself In between the
stones core. veins began to the heart, and then organs , followed by a skeletal system. spectres have laughs skeletal systems, therr bones
are comprised entirely of . A single spake of , when placed from top to bottom, can take pounds of force before cracking. The
veins of a Spectre were cradled arthro the bones, and a soled mass encased the heart, and other organs. Around the a muscular system, and then the fleshy
skin began to appear, seemingly nowhere. The last layer of his skin, the stone covering grew around him pulling beneath his soft layer of
skin. The process of the Spectre was complete.
Spectre' s hearts isthere brains, and store therr memories, one dies, rts memories are preserved, a Spectre rs reborn, rt
knows rts lafe, and doesn' t have to catch up.
WE !” The speakers boomed the room. "Alden Quinn and mach, please Tech room to receive
your reward!” Trench glided , and they departed the Amphitheatre, which wasthe smallest ofthe three arenas In Radiance. The Mechanism wasthe
largest, and between them stood the spectogram. The spectogram was In the center oftern, right above the preson, suspended jithree feet made . when rt
wastrel to battle, three people would stand at each leg ofthe building and blood. The spectogram would come to lafe, and ingrain Itself any below
Its back sprouted to reveal a soled circular stone, with an eight hundred foot diameter. Everybofy hold a a decent cash
plus.
The hole elswhere the mustv rous of prisoners of Radiance were kept. Though they had next Mechanism tournament's lave, they had one chance
capable of out ofthe ropes, and make top, setfire, and all charges dismissed. There were
several who had escaped throughout history, butthe most notable osiris, the vector ofthe Mechanism tournament.
The Mechanism wasthe most magnificent ofthe three arenas aswell. fowever, rewas use, and thatthe held only once newyear. The
The vector ofthe Mechanism wasthe most revered man ottoman forthe , every Cullen of Radiance wanted to , and wanted
stay In therr loft In the Citadel. The Lords of Radiance were the wealthiest, and powerful figureheads, a Lord could be erther a man
or a woman, though the women were only referred to as you directly spoke gothem, or . The Lords transmitted the trll ofthe
Cullen of Radiance. The the spectre' made bythe Lords. a new Highblood, would be elected from other
Lords. The be an open spot lordspa elect a . The figurehead would be elected from the vector of Mechanism
tournament.
The Lords and Paragon are unfollow Highblood Marco, who stays In the darkstone Citadel, the northernmost tower of Radiance, and his Paragon femail.
femail togethe shape of Marco, and looked identical to hrm. Marco had black, greying harr, and a short beard. when he made public appearances, he would sport a
black surt, with a red tre. we wore black boots at all tames. In terms of looks, for beeng eighty, he was stunning. Through both past and current sciences he
was able to look In his late theatres. we had only one daughter, the current princess of Radiance. Heme was dilltwentytwo, though recently people started
children later In lafe, astley could lave longer, and had more trmo to be . Heme had also decoded to compete In the Mechanism tournament. The children of
the be Invited to every electron tournament.
To the southwest of Marco, In the lightclaw Citadel, was Lord Wayne. was a large Persian cat, with wraps of warte frre danging on rts ears, paws, and
darl. Wayne had no children, however, he wasthe to be the next Highblood. In public he wore a warte surt, with warte dress shoes, and a blacktay. we had
shortsighted harr, often sporting a black reon cane, and wasthe most beautiful ofthe male Lords. All ofthe women wanted to be with him at least once In therr laves.
fowever, he swore an oath of he wooyoung and prak out a brade, orgo on a date In general. , often sat In an extravagant cat-
bed, which was made oowhite felt, and covered In brilliant diamonds.
Tome southeast of Marco, In the Citadel, was Lady Irene, and Camus. concusses a hermit crab, and his shell was marvelous. In the light rt
would reflect a rainbow of different shades of red off of t Lady Irene was no the Paragon. She almost an extravagant red dress, and styled
her harr In a fancy manner, always a different shade of red than before. The most on her person though, was her red lipstick, which no one In Radiance
could wear, besides her. It came to be known as .
To the south of Wayne, In the Tower, was Lord mines. m everyhuman that wanted Lord Wayne, two more wanted to be with Lord mines, however, In
contrast to Wayne, he would take advantage of the gravatron. often praking a woman from amongst the crowds and disappearing rato the her. mines was
chiseled, In comparason to Wayne' s beauty, he had brawn, and sharp looks. we had a pinstripe surt, and wore a salver mg, with an onyx gemstone In ., Ens,
reflected hr runer prowess, and outer strength. a blackadder, with yellow stripes around his body. we had bracelets on each of his legs, simple and round, with a
current of electricity around In t
South of Lady Irene, encased In the Citadel, was Lord Bradley. , Arron the Blackwing, was a very powerful falcon. we was so named the
Blackwing, because Jackblack lake a raven' s. Arron wasthe most powerful ofthe Paragon’; and ofthe tournament couldn' t beat hrm.
lallram osiris rose above the masses, and defeated Arron In a battle. Lord nearly as large of a spectacle as . when he wooyoung he
made a vow of silence, and removed his own tongue using a hot knife. we never spoke a word alongside Arron. Lord Bradley rs also Highblood
Mam nephew.
In the southernmost tower, the Citadel, was . was , making hertha youngest ofthe Lords. was a
powerful defensive type. shape of a crystalline mammoth, gr rt a powerful armor around Itself, much lake Geno. lacked any sense of
she fought, carelessly sending outta deal the fr shang blow. She won the impromptu electron tournament held three years ago after Lord
solomon .
Mechanism tournament, the slide ground, and reveal a stadium below. The entire diameter ofthe Mechanism measured
twothousand feet. Rogue run rampant In the the Mechanism was underground, when rt opened, the , and throw
them prt, before the final prace ofthe Mechanism was airblasted. The centerpiece was different each year, a pillar offere, and the year before rt
was a magnificent rce sculpture of an angel that stood . The crowd would always the sculpture . ' s centerpiece had yet
to be revealed.
Aidan and mach stood In the center ofthe room. A small pedestal stood rust In front ofthem. mach placed his hands In them, and the device emitted a glow.
on the screen, which wasthe was tournament. The T stood , which wasthe currency of Radiance. food to
purchased with Techman. musac blared overhue loudspeakers, packed funforyou, as a staple toyoda raage. mach
fineshed Tachyons, and removed his handsfree the pedestal. mach dashed out ofthe room, and then garned enough momentum wall.
we looked tothe center and held his arms out. we shitfire straight out, and rt created a darl, before he looked straight down, and propelled center. The darl
reached from the wall lake a snake, and then mach looked straight atthe ground, turning his momentum upward. we began to spiral In the arr, performing himfamous
corkscrew maneuver. If an everywere on the battlefield, he would be caught In the blaze, unable to escape. mach' sereal move whiteface straight up In the amend
put on full blast, sending him ground, below lake a missle. An enemy would be impaled by his hands, and burned to a
crisp by , Instead he propelled ground, and bounced off of his hands, landing on his knee.
Aidan stepped out on the feeld, and bowed once, soaking In the crowds applause. Aidan appreciated every shout emitted from the crowd cheering erther him or
on. They returned tothe lobby ofthe Amphitheatre forthe meet and greeter's the vector of a tournament. Carl , the owner ofthe Amphitheatre,
Congratulations on yet , really. I assume you' ll be declaring our Mechanism pass again?" Even though Carl had asked Aidan after every one
of In the years, Aidan had declined each one. we wanted to hone his final rounds ofthe Mechanism tournament. The general structure
I' ll actually be . My long awaited arrival atthe Mechanism has come to reality. Cardan boasted, though none of his challenger swere near, the
around.
...
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Submitted: 05/16/2013
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What do you think? Give us your opinion. Anonymous comments allowed.
User avatar #1 - sasorikingofrocks (05/16/2013) [+] (1 reply)
tomanyusernames, ariusbrightwing, angrytoilet, therealcodyg, thenewmaroi, namehasntbeentaken, funnyhoody, painal, in case doing it in the description didn't work.
#13 - thebestperson (05/18/2013) [-]
The story clearly has a lot of potential to be developed, but I fail to be interested at this point. I would love to read all of that well-thought information about the world and the surroundings, but right now, wtihout knowing /who/ the characters are, I don't care to know what's going on around them. The information is well-written, but perhaps not too well-timed. Try intriguing us more by introducing us to the characters, speak and see from their prespective, make us care to know what they're going to do next. Then, we'll also want to know about their world.
The story clearly has a lot of potential to be developed, but I fail to be interested at this point. I would love to read all of that well-thought information about the world and the surroundings, but right now, wtihout knowing /who/ the characters are, I don't care to know what's going on around them. The information is well-written, but perhaps not too well-timed. Try intriguing us more by introducing us to the characters, speak and see from their prespective, make us care to know what they're going to do next. Then, we'll also want to know about their world.
User avatar #12 - sasorikingofrocks (05/18/2013) [-]
thebestperson
User avatar #7 - sasorikingofrocks (05/17/2013) [-]
ninjasmartie, sthorn
#2 - anonymous (05/16/2013) [+] (1 reply)
Someone insert the chinaman who can't see for me, please?
User avatar #3 to #2 - sasorikingofrocks (05/16/2013) [-]
my apologies, thought it would leave an enlarge link....
#5 - tinybroadcaster (05/16/2013) [-]
TL;DR
TL;DR
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