Whenever I get a package of plain Mads, I make it my duty to
continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold , M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and feariginger, I apply
pressure, squeezing them ...together until one of them cracks
and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one
immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M& Ms are
tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have
hypothesized that the blue Mlle's as a race cannot survive long in
the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to
be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy
extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one HEM, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this
one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M& M
Mars, A Division of Mars, lnc., Hackettstown, NI
U. S. A., along with a card reading, "Please use this , M for
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon
for a free 1/ 2 pound bag of plain Mams. I consider this "grant
money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament.
From afield of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.