Fat people story - worth the read. <3. P (iii/ (ii) Boy, have I got a story for you /fit/. 5 zshare a house with 3 bros is scrawny as , beta as hell, but gen fat people story
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Fat people story - worth the read

<3

P (iii/ (ii) Boy, have I got a story for you /fit/.
5 zshare a house with 3 bros
is scrawny as **** , beta as hell, but genuinely nice dude
is a huge stoner, but the nicest guy you' ll ever meet, also impossible to make him mad
cooks like a mother ****** , super charismatic, and although he' s a heavier dude, he' s full bearmode, gym
everyday, arms like pythons, super nice cat but easy to make mad
sfor first two years, house is awesome
svidja like *************
cooking like we at grandma' s thanksgiving every other day
schilling always has good herb
sail sorts of fun and games and ****
tthen one day, the moon descended from orbit and smashed into the house
soh no wait, ponybro pulled a female
sright away chillbot and I realize Derakus here is going to be a problem
sthe first problem is she is one of those catgirls who just thinks shes hot as **** because she is a beta hunter
real men want curves, the same size as Marilyn Monroe hurr hurr" the whole ******* 9
sthe way the house is set up, there are three bedrooms upstairs and a basement suite
pays the most, so he' s in the suite. Got a king sized bed down there and everything, full chill pad.
starts spending every ******* night at our place
sthe noises this girl makes while ******* are just impossible to handle
sshe sounds like a cross between a death metal singer and an elephant seal
slm pissed as hell but chillbot tries to just initiate live and let live
swe tell ponybro to cool it on the noise anyway
mad because we arent supporting the fact that he finally bagged a girl
spoor bastard is already under her spell
sshe comes downstairs
tell her to stop screaming her lungs out at night
s" oh do my cries of passion make you uncomfortable tee hee?"
swhat the actual ****
like an victim of the bubonic plague maybe"
sshe mad, ponybro mad, foodbro thought it was hilarious
cont.)
sthe next problem occurs when derakus starts ******* with foodbro
Hirst incident was when we all got back from class expecting to find her devouring our winter stocks or something
scant find her
maybe she went for a jog hahahaha {ponybro mad)" and goes to throw his **** downstairs
THE ACTUAL ****
swe go downstairs, derakus is naked, and sleeping in his bed
sshe tries to take his expensive sheets, wrap them around herself and run upstairs
furious, forcibly takes his **** and makes her run, crying and naked as a newborn up to ponybros room
mad, but foodbro madder and ponybro apologizes quietly and chases her upstairs
swe would find out later this was a seduction tactic that didn' t even make it to launch because the fat bitch fell asleep ( ****** koi)
asecond incident, foodbro always leaves a lot of food resting
schild simmering overnight, flank steak marinating for a few days, all sorts of **** that I dont even ******* understand but is ******* delicious
stuarts to notice this **** disappearing
smad as hell, foodbro demands at least a little semblance of courtesy
has a roll of little red circle stickers
Hf something is in the fridge with a red circle sticker, dont ******* touch it
she goes to make his hamburgers for dinner (foodbro hamburgers will make you believe in a kind and merciful god)
s" Guys, where is the groundless. I literally only bought it like three hours ago."
starts giggling like its cute or some ****
s" Oh I was just so hungry I couldnt help myself so I made a little snack"
s" That was 3 lbs of ground beef!"
s" Oh it was just so good, Ijust fried it all up and ate it. Sorry" and she plasters this ****** pouty face on her mug
ships out, brings back salmon, handmaids some sushi
splat's it and brings it out
wonders where her plate is
loses it "Bitch, you ate 3 pounds of ******* ground beef today. Thats enough food for your fattass today. In fact, thats enough caloric intake for like 3
days. If I catch you in my kitchen for the next three days I will lose my ******* mind."
suits down next to chillbot, immediately back to good mood watching the game
shole **** this sashimi
quietly sobbing, ponybro shamefully passing her pieces off his plate
skeep in mind, derakus pays nothing to exist in our space
sin addition, because foodbro is such a woopnazi, he practically foots the entire food bill himself so we dont fill his kitchen with cheap ****** food
sbitch is literally a financial drain, does nothing to contribute, and always gets super upset if someone mentions how much of our **** she eats
few days go by
sme, chillbot, and foodbro coming home, ponybro has late lab
slights are on, loud ******* noise
shounds like the cawing of a billion crows and the shrieks of a billion banshees
immediately mad
sloes inside
soh my god, derakus invited the rest of the large Magellanic cloud and currently has food everywhere and everyone is screaming and laughing and making a
huge **** of my ******* house
strides through room, rips ipod out of ipod dock and screams GET THE **** OUT OF MY HOUSE
of white whales
says "oh ponybro said I could have a few friends over"
notices all the food that is out. Ice cream, cup cakes, chicken sandwiches and ****
s" Youre going to pay for all this. tired of you eating my food without asking."
starts tearing up "but the food is for the house"
pipe up "youre not part of the house"
agrees with me and says "you just come in here and eat all my **** because you think you can"
stumbles over to foodbro and tries to stroke his chest (wtf ammo) "its okay, stop getting mad because ponybros girlfriend"
gets so mad he leaves
sme and chillbot kinda shake our heads and go onto the backpatch to smoke
shear ponybro come home an hour later or so
shear derakus crying her eyes out, saying that foodbro screamed at all her friends, broke the ipod dock (nope), tried to hit them (nope), and then demanded that
derakus sleep with him ()
comes back about an hour after ponybro
shear ponybro confront foodbro
she still mad that we make fun of his lady all the time
to know why foodbro demanded she sleep with him
laughs and explains the whole story
go in and confirm
demands to know why ponybro said it was cool for her to throw a party
says he said she could study with a friend
swhat a cunt
sabout a month later of derakus being fairly well behaved
sstill making ****** passes at foodbro ''I know you like the way I look today, or is it everyday?"
just laughs
stuarts making her pay for everything he sees her take
out, summer time
goes to work the summer in the kitchen of some niceness restaurant, starts dating this bartender there
sthis girl
shole ****
sthis girl
lalonde, cardio bunny, yoga and pilates addict, nice boobs, nice ass, stomach you could grate cheese on, super smart, super clever and witty, coolest girl ever,
nicest girl ever
wwe' ll call her M
and foodbro date for like 2 weeks before she starts staying over all the time
whithin two weeks of her sleeping over, she demands to contribute to food and utilities
has been in our ******* lives for like 5 or B goddamn months now and still pays jack **** , smuggles food to ponybros room when foodbro is out
does not like m
is super aloof about derakus
starts wandering around in underwear knowing that people are chilling in the living room as if shes trying to prove that shes the real hot girl
stuarts making masive aggresive comments to m "oh you should eat more, then youd get some curves" (lolwut)
seven ponybro starting to get tired of her ****
stuarts getting mad at her when she says things to foodbro like "you' re man enough to date a real woman" and starts asking her what the **** she means by
comments like that
flights everywhere
sme chillbot and m are outside smoking, she thinks its hilarious
sthe one day m and foodbro come back from late shift
sme and chillbot are vidya like ************* in the living room
and foodbro go downstairs
rages
sme chillbot and ponybro (who had been upstairs) come down
is in the basement suite again, trying to squeeze her fat ass into one of m' s dresses
JIM A DOCTOR NOT A MIRACLE WORKER
DEAD JIM
stress is history, seams ripped, zipper torn away from fabric
so mad hes shaking
just quietly tallying the damage
s" Oh Sorry hee hee, I just needed something to wear and thought we were close enough to the same size"
wish I could make this **** up
is at least 260 standing at a proud 5' 2"
is at most 130 at 5' 6"
turns to ponybro "get this ******* behemoth out of my room, and then we are going to have a ******* sit down, you and L"
counters "Behemoth? Says you, lard ass."
JUST GOT
OP 02/ 08/ ) 22: 13 No. 1? 6201? 2 Replies: so so moose? so messes so messes so 7620395 so 7620549 so 7620646 so moi no so messes so so
schilling bails
says something along the lines of "not even worth justifying your ****** attitude, goes upstairs as well
You fat ******* sow, I don' t think I' ever despised a human being more. You selfish lazy ******* cunt. Ifyou didnt provide the service of your
disgusting self to my friends penis I would have happily thrown you in a lake months ago. I hope you enjoy your life thinking you can just do what you want
because one day, youre going to wake up and realize what a **** pile you are, and then youll hopefully kill yourself" and then turns on his heel and goes upstairs
H find chillbot m and foodbro at the edge of the property, smoking in the backyard
shear ponybro from inside losing his ******* mind
ffront door slams
ssee derakus waddling down the street with her two garbage bags of possessions crying her eyes out
sthe witch is dead
comes out
she says that he told her to pay for all the food shes stolen from the house and for the dress or he would press charges
sshe eventually did
chouse was the coolest place ever for the next two years before we finished school and moved on
scot the invite to foodbro and m' s wedding today
swe never found out if she killed herself
...
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Comments(153):

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#5 - bobthedilder (04/24/2013) [+] (3 replies)
Foodbro is best Bro
User avatar #27 - honeybiscuit (04/25/2013) [+] (3 replies)
My favorite part was the fat bitch being dubbed Doradus. Completely lost my **** at "invited the rest of the large megellanic cloud."

S Doradus is one of the brightest stars in the Large Magellanic Cloud, a satellite of the Milky Way. A hypergiant, it is one of the most luminous stars known, but so far away that it is invisible to the naked eye
#87 - unclebourbon (04/25/2013) [-]
10/10   
   
When chillbro bails, you know 						****					 just got real.
10/10

When chillbro bails, you know **** just got real.
User avatar #1 - goobyman (04/24/2013) [-]
DAMMNIT JIM I'M A DOCTOR NOT A MIRACLE WORKER

SHE'S DEAD JIM
#18 - zeylin (04/25/2013) [-]
Comment Picture
User avatar #2 - radarisler (04/24/2013) [-]
that is THE MOST epic story i have EVER read, a 100 internets to whoever this man is
#23 - hueyfreeman (04/25/2013) [-]
One can only hope to be blessed with such an amazing group of bros.
One can only hope to be blessed with such an amazing group of bros.
#17 - mattdoggy ONLINE (04/25/2013) [-]
my greatest regret today, is that i only have one thumb to give to you for sharing this
my greatest regret today, is that i only have one thumb to give to you for sharing this
#74 - pappathethird (04/25/2013) [+] (2 replies)
anyone else imagine foodbro looks like this?
#50 - PublicEnemy (04/25/2013) [-]
MFW I read   
   
&quot;DAMMIT JIM I'M A DOCTOR NOT A MIRACLE WORKER&quot;
MFW I read

"DAMMIT JIM I'M A DOCTOR NOT A MIRACLE WORKER"
User avatar #34 - trollofhalo (04/25/2013) [+] (4 replies)
When I picture foodbro, I picture a man standing at 5'12", man of colour or not, being a cool chef bro, like his personality is a chill Gordon Ramsey. I feel just like him. I can prepare the best food, and now I want to do better because of foodbro.

Foodbro is love, foodbro is life.
#37 - responsibletim (04/25/2013) [+] (1 reply)
I did math to thumb you up.
I did math to thumb you up.
#24 - electro (04/25/2013) [-]
wish my nickname was "foodbro"...
#92 - holcomb (04/25/2013) [-]
I feel bad i skipped when i saw the read.. thought about it for a minute went back, and i've never laughed so hard at a story on funnyjunk again even if a lot of them are lame i'm going to look at every story on funnyjunk from now on a thumb for you good sir.
#4 - hodoor (04/24/2013) [-]
Hodor!!!!!!
User avatar #44 - donkysmel (04/25/2013) [-]
Fan ******* tastic man 11/10 would read again multiple times
User avatar #13 - Hydrocircuit (04/25/2013) [+] (1 reply)
"Worth the read"

I have just an inkling that it isn't.
#16 to #13 - mattdoggy ONLINE (04/25/2013) [-]
It's worth it   
Foodbro will make you want to be a better person
It's worth it
Foodbro will make you want to be a better person
#75 - swankysausage (04/25/2013) [-]
10/10 would read again
10/10 would read again
#7 - dragonicangel (04/24/2013) [+] (3 replies)
commencing a small .gif dump as tribute to this.
commencing a small .gif dump as tribute to this.
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