Sexual Advice Mallard (male version)

So giving skinny solutions to people already skinny people is

Like giving sexy tips to already sexy people?

clever

I love you

You two are going to need those tips now. good luck.

Here. Take it. You deserve it

this gif. i love it

Actually Itruly enjoyed them, Alot.
Favorited and thumbed, advices like that are very useful, or at least they will be one day.

Unless you're dashgamer.

For the first time in my life, I actually admit that I have been intelligently insulted.

You clever motherfucker

That made me both laugh and sad at the same time.

It's the expression of an emotion. Nigger.

I injected 2 sexes once, I killed a man. Sex, not even once.

he's .....right

It's not a terrible idea, in fact it'll help us not totally screw things up when we do have sex.
Thank you, Sexual Advice Mallard!

without preparing the anus with foreplay- this happens

well played sir.

A winrar is you.

You're awesome

Thumbing up the top comment is like posting sex tips on funny junk

omg made my day xD

Exactly what I was thinking. I'd describe it as giving fine dining cook books to starving Africans

now that makes more sense lol

Having sex: Funnyjunk :: being fat: starving Africans
Ergo, FJers have as little use for sex tips as starving Africans have for diet pills.

I think you accidentally the whole joke.

That's like saying giving a straight guy tips on getting other guys is like giving a millionaire money making tip.....i get the joke is that they both don't need.. but the point is that they can't be compared...

Yeah, to be honest, I didn't actually put much effort into that comment. It's a little surprising what ones the people of funnyjunk will thumb and which are ignored, but I'm not complaining.

Don't click the SCREAMER I was being a dick.

however I was stupid enough to do so

Ahhh dammit sorry. :(

Don't be. I even read your comment about the SCREAMER. I'm just having the dumb again

This has been an odd day.

I opened it in another tab to see why you got all them thumbs down.

...

I didn't see it, but I sure as hell heard it.

Yeah I was home alone, and it gave me nightmares.

Damn, i got an epileptic seizure... Btw that thing kinda looks like a dolphin :3

lol, I cannot even delete this.

THIS IS A SCREAMER THAT WILL HAUNT YOU LIKE IT HAUNTS ME. I WOULD NOT CLICK IT.

2spooky... I think I may have shit myself. Damn my curiosity.

Fuck your mother.

You asshole! I fell back and hit my arm!

I actually feel like I learned a lot from you, master of the sexing. If only others will be as fortunate as I!

That doesn't even make sense... obese people would find diet pills useful... and, again, fuck you from all of the Americas.

I see his point though, because I thought the same way at first, there are two ways of looking at this, starving africans don't need the diet pills because they're already incredibly skinny, which would mean we're already incredibly sex knowledgeable. or they way it was intended, where africans will never need the pills because they'll never be fat, and we'll never need advice because we'll never get laid

No no no you dun goofed son

The hard way? Or the not-so-hard way?

oh shit that's perfect

HUE

Oh shit it's that one guy who hates homosexuals, and thinks that they are hated by God.

Neither I nor God hate anyone sir.

Haha she sounds insecure as fuck about sex, dude. Might want to chat to her about that.

'vaginas are regularly rinsed with urine'

hey genius
did you just get your bachelors from the university of stupidtown

Urine is not actually "dirty" in any way.
Other than water, it mainly consists of urea ( CO(NH2)2 ), chloride, sodium, potassium and creatinine. The chloride serves to kill some bacteria, while other bacteria convert the urea into ammonia, producing a strong smell. But if the urine does not contain bacterias or other bad chemicals as result of diseases, it does have a minor cleaning effect.
Of course, urine is supposed to remove any toxins from the blood as well, so the the urine of a sick person can contain dangerous chemicals like keton.
In case you wonder, i looked all of this up: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urine, wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_content_of_urine, http://www.urinecolors.com/urine.php, http://www.wisegeek.com/is-it-true-that-people-can-use-urine-for-bleaching.htm

that is irrelevant to my point

my point is not that urine is dirty, my point is that urine is not what cleans the vagina

Well... it does clean. Only minorly, but if we did not have any toilet paper or other vagina cleaning aggregates, urine (and baths) would be the only thing cleaning said area.

god, are you stupid?

you really are stupid aren't you

it's not urine, it's vaginal and cervical mucus

Mucus only prevents infection. It will not remove dirt and unhealthy chemicals.
Sorry for trying to have a proper discussion. If you would rather just yell insults at each other just tell me.

I'll put this to you in simple form
URINE DOES NOT COME OUT OF VAGINAS

Girls have a seperate hole for peeing. Also urine isn't exactly cleansing.

"helicockter"

im not sure if its the lack of sleep or all the sugar in my cookies but i laughed wayyyyyyy too hard at this.....

i've done that before because someone left a world of warcraft game guide on my desk and never came back for it...biggest waste of 5 years ever

>and here I was watching hentai were the guy fucks the girls womb like its a cock sleeve

same here...

I feel with you bro

Better being a virgin than what happened to me. I got drunk and fucked a prostitute. I'll never feel clean again.

Of course you would agree. You have a pair of X chromesomes and their for would not have any problems acquiring sex, this would be useful if you showed it to your lover.

>therefor would not have any problem acquiring sex
>implying just because you have boobs it means every guy on the face of the earth would have sex with you

Not just the only thing they're looking for.

Then why are you saying they'd have no problems acquiring sex?

You are correct, sex isn't the only thing we look for, but you're contradicting yourself

Just feel like bitch sometimes. Makes me feel better for a moment, then I realize I'm dying inside because I can't have something I want and never will experience.

It's the reason we're all here, man, complain to others in the same situation as us and feel better when we see someone in a worse scenario than us.

It's not that it's a worse scenario. I just like bitching on mine, make someone read, knowing that;s the closest someone will get to caring, even though their not really and i'm lying to myself, trying to deny my consciousness to what my psyche already knows and what my consciousness realizes and doesn't like.

This is:
Based and the dual merit system of the genders (social success by females and sexual conquest by males) and the specialist merit system of individuals (such as looks, weight, intelligence, wisdom, personality, action, past, or maturity). That I'm sub-par and therefore, no one should really care for, let alone love, and there for shall be judge by myself and the community of my peers as sub-par, and should be loverless and friendless.

you seem like a really depressing individual. assuming you are truly sub par on all those levels (which you are probably not but lets make a hypothetical scenario) there is MOST DEFINITELY someone equally if not, more so sub-par that you in those aspects. being of a lower level in looks, weight, intelligence, wisdom, personality, action, past, or maturity, does not mean you'll never find any friend or lover, it just means you need to find friends or lovers of approximately your level. nines date nines and four date fours, 'na mean?

its all about the confidence, if you act and feel confident and comfortable in any situation, people will like you no matter what. being able to walk up to someone and say "HI! my name is MCPO how are you?" immediately puts you past fifty percent of people.

dont bitch and whine, and try to take out your frustrations on other like you obviously use the internet for. get confident, and how do you do that? work out! dress nice! focus in school! and develop some sort of talent that you can shine and thrive in!

if you make yourself happy, you can make others happy, and if you can do that, you will become an unstoppable force of creativity and love.

Can I know what your experience has been like on funnyjunk? I've always wondered what it's like without a Y chromosome.

its annoying, people always think your thumbwhoring even when youre just talking <.<

Things seem all fine and dandy until people know your sex, then they instantly respect you less. I don't know why we can't all just remain anonymous on the internet

well i like making friends and acquaintances on funnyjunk, i meet a lot of cool people on here. being anonymous would cancel that out entirely

why would it? you make friends with someone based on common interests. them being a male or female shouldn't change anything

no as in the anonymity would make it more difficult to find them and befriend them. plus if everyone really wanted, they could still remain anonymous on funnyjunk. put down interests alone, no sex, keep your username gender neutral.

Protip #16: Use chloroform.

No but seriously. Duck rape is a serious epidemic. The females have actually evolved to have vaginas that have false pathways to try and stop the males from impregnating them. It's crazy shit.

You've read that Cracked article, haven't you

Lol. Put her legs over your shoulders and go as deep as you can. If no results I'm sorry about your genes, bro.

I did that once and went a bit too hard and heard what sounded like a knuckle cracking...

Hahahahaha She'll be alright. Bitches be sturdy.

Aw yesh bby

I've went out with a chick that hated her tits being touched.

I feel your troubles.

I can confirm this. It's individual

Try again when she's horny, some chicks will think it feels weird when they're not because the nipples are so sensitive.

I know what you mean, but the girl i was with at the time had DD and she said she didn't feel when I played with her tits or her nipples and i would tell her to close her eyes an see if she felt anything and i would be going all out on them and nothing man.

Are you serious? That's insane.

Here you go.

thats wierd. most girls like it.

I've heard from more girls that don't like it than those who do. I've never had a problem with it personally, but I can see how girls might find it uncomfortable.

makes sense

is that.....a black snake firework that took the shape of a horse cock?

you just take some coffee grounds and mix in 3 tablespoons of science.

stir whip stir stir sir...