Awesome tales. by Charles Dickens.. WOW I haven't laughed that hard on this site, EVER.
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Awesome tales

by Charles Dickens

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Views: 21579
Favorited: 93
Submitted: 02/23/2013
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#1 - iamthemunkey (02/23/2013) [-]
WOW I haven't laughed that hard on this site, EVER.
#11 - PoisinSandwich (02/23/2013) [+] (2 replies)
+11
#2 - canthavenicethings **User deleted account** has deleted their comment [-]
#32 - wlflvr ONLINE (02/24/2013) [-]
Since childhood, I have always had an uneasy relationship with my bowels. I was born with a rare condition where I have no feeling over most of my colon. My body does not tell me when I need to poop, and for that reason, the toilet and I were always at odds. I would not poop until my body was literally forcing excrement from my anus, which, at that point, had been sitting in there for many days. And when it came out, it came out in roughly the mass, volume, and density as a cinder block, causing me much anal distress. It took me many years to fully control my feces, and to this day I poop roughly once every other day.    
   
However, perhaps the most outstanding example comes from when I was at the tender young age of 8. A particularly stormy torrent built in my intestines, and I had been struggling to hold it in for a few days (due to a sinking feeling that it would hurt my bum). Yet, on the day I had planned to release this heavy, stinking abomination, a surprise trip to one of my stepfather's closest friends sprung on me. Throughout my car ride, this blockage attempted to escape my sphincter, to the point where I felt like I was being reverse-fisted by a silverback gorilla. The moment we arrived at this poor sods house, I quietly announced to my mother, sweat beading from my brow, that I had to "poop". I was shown to the bathroom, and the moment my young buttox touched the seat, my butt hole open to roughly the size of a watermelon, and released the entire contents of my digestive system into the toilet. I was one turd, harder than steel, approximately the size of my leg. This fecal masterpiece was obviously never going to flush. So, I shamefully washed my hands, approached the dear friend of the family, and, as quiet as a mouse, I stated "My poop won't flush". The poor, unknowing soul smiled at me, patted my head, and entered the bathroom. The world went eerily silent. His next words have reverberated through my entire life. "HOOOOLY.... 						*******					..... SHIIIIIIIIT!"
Since childhood, I have always had an uneasy relationship with my bowels. I was born with a rare condition where I have no feeling over most of my colon. My body does not tell me when I need to poop, and for that reason, the toilet and I were always at odds. I would not poop until my body was literally forcing excrement from my anus, which, at that point, had been sitting in there for many days. And when it came out, it came out in roughly the mass, volume, and density as a cinder block, causing me much anal distress. It took me many years to fully control my feces, and to this day I poop roughly once every other day.

However, perhaps the most outstanding example comes from when I was at the tender young age of 8. A particularly stormy torrent built in my intestines, and I had been struggling to hold it in for a few days (due to a sinking feeling that it would hurt my bum). Yet, on the day I had planned to release this heavy, stinking abomination, a surprise trip to one of my stepfather's closest friends sprung on me. Throughout my car ride, this blockage attempted to escape my sphincter, to the point where I felt like I was being reverse-fisted by a silverback gorilla. The moment we arrived at this poor sods house, I quietly announced to my mother, sweat beading from my brow, that I had to "poop". I was shown to the bathroom, and the moment my young buttox touched the seat, my butt hole open to roughly the size of a watermelon, and released the entire contents of my digestive system into the toilet. I was one turd, harder than steel, approximately the size of my leg. This fecal masterpiece was obviously never going to flush. So, I shamefully washed my hands, approached the dear friend of the family, and, as quiet as a mouse, I stated "My poop won't flush". The poor, unknowing soul smiled at me, patted my head, and entered the bathroom. The world went eerily silent. His next words have reverberated through my entire life. "HOOOOLY.... ******* ..... SHIIIIIIIIT!"

User avatar #25 - chaossniper (02/24/2013) [-]
"i managed to hit the resonnance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently" had to pause reading, breathe and bite my fingers so i dont wake up my roomie
#23 - osboom (02/23/2013) [+] (1 reply)
You made me laugh really hard, thumb for everyone, it's on me...
#24 to #23 - osboom (02/23/2013) [-]
Done
#20 - drunkengnome (02/23/2013) [-]
Comment Picture
#17 - whycanticaps (02/23/2013) [-]
other than being blue, a cat, and having a fishing pole, this is what I imagine the poopers face to look like
User avatar #6 - apostolos (02/23/2013) [-]
I'm actually crying I laughed so hard!!!!
#4 - sekretsauce **User deleted account** (02/23/2013) [+] (1 reply)
I'm going red in the face, OP.
Thank you.
#19 - cooldudexy (02/23/2013) [-]
WHY NO MORE LIEKS
WHY NO MORE LIEKS
#9 - echobase (02/23/2013) [-]
Comment Picture
#7 - mrestachio (02/23/2013) [-]
Oh god my sides, this is a masterpiece
Oh god my sides, this is a masterpiece
+2
#31 - thejackable **User deleted account** has deleted their comment [-]
User avatar #15 - wellthisisakward (02/23/2013) [-]
i am not in the slightest bit ashamed to say that i pissed myself laughing
#12 - syntheticdoll ONLINE (02/23/2013) [-]
Maybe the first post ever on FunnyJunk that could actually make me laugh (and almost spit my drink on the screen)
Maybe the first post ever on FunnyJunk that could actually make me laugh (and almost spit my drink on the screen)
User avatar #30 - ericbeagles (02/24/2013) [-]
Oh lawdy last it at "Anal symphony"
#10 - hatemountain (02/23/2013) [-]
Oh god, I can finally breath normally after 10 min of constant laughter.
Oh god, I can finally breath normally after 10 min of constant laughter.
#8 - emberstar (02/23/2013) [-]
God, that's hilarious!
God, that's hilarious!
User avatar #3 - krasnogvardiech (02/23/2013) [-]
This must be /lit/.
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