There are two kinds of people
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The concept of mortality in me is battling because the fear I have is coupled by
desire. Perhaps it is not death I fear. It' s the unknown. It' s losing control. Dying
is maybe not what I tear, as I could take my own lite. But I' m too scared of the
lack of control- I' m too scared of someone else ending me,
I never pictured more than sex ever for myself. For a long time. I felt like a slut
every time. And the more I feel good about myself. the more I hate myself,
Every good relationship in my Me, I set out to destroy. You make me happy so I
want you gone.
Sometimes even if I want to eat, I just cant
Sometimes I do things just to give myself more of a reason to hate myself-
I don' t always just dress like a grub because I want to. t feel to tat to dress up
some days. So I wear ugly old clothes. So you don' t look aims.
I want you to tall in love with me. But I' m too scared to fall in love with you.
And tonight I have reached a fascinating point where I am much too tired to go
to sleep., I was ready to pass out from exhaustion about 3 hours ago. but I kept
mysefl awake. For the purpose of torturing myself I guess. There are days when
I stay up all night because sleep evades me. Then there are days in a row when
I cannot get out of bed. I eather don' t sleep or I sleep tor days and days,
When I tried to hurt myself beyond repair numerous times. you stopped me. It' s
not a hyperbole to say you saved my life. There is nothing I wouldn' t do for you-
And I know I owe you.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and it breaks my heart. I want to see
what they say they see. I want to see beautiful. But I never have,
I thought I was in love with you. But I only wanted to feel loved. And now that
you want me, Won' t care anymore. I feel tree.
The smells of vanilla. cigarettes. coffee and paper are my favourites. I love the
taste of coffee on someones mouth.
There are few people I trust. and of those people. only one or two would I say
never have really let me down-
After it all, Fm scared of my curling iron-
And I really have no idea what the fuck I' m doing with my life. I work too hard to
plan shit that I know will tall through. I know it' s going to collapse., But for some
reason. I' m going to keep going, I' m going to keep fighting even if I don' t have
faith in myself.
I don' t have any idea who I am. And I hope that something starts to make
What it the hokey pokey is really what it' s all about