I have recently made one of the biggest mistakes in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may
learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.
Mo, I was not was not a regularity problem hut a matter of seems my
air had grown to such a length that tiny halls of shit we re constantly getting tied up in the
matted jungle between my . It led to much frustration, with me knowing that Istill had
something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling place.
Eventually I would have to do one tftwo things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch
off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my
had no way of I was doing] ocaust go for broke, start wiping, and
hope that I could remote all the matter before the toilet paper reached its 'Can' -
After having been told my looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and
buy some of this as attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my
hack out trying to reach the more difficult hits. Being a hit of a romantic I thought I would do the
deed on the missus' s birthday as a hit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myselfe hit abobe some of the
characte rs writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office typ my fellow
sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and some
Hague hints about especial surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied
the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn' t have long to wait. At first there was , waranty which in a matter of secon was
replaced by an intense burning and a feelings can only describe alike a barbed wire
people intent on hitting the my head. Religion hadn' t featured much in
my life until that night hut I suddenly became willing to convertor any religion to stop the violent
burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and twogag-
Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the in the sink and only succeeded
in plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out ofthe bathroom
across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and Scrawled the final
yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold reliefs yanked the freezer and found
utub of ice the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relievers fantastic hut as it melted fairly quickly and the soon
returned Due to the sh ape of the ice cre am tub I hadn' t man aged to give the starfish any treatment
and I groped around in the something else as I was sure my cision was going to fail fairly
mm; grabbed a bag of what I out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to he quiet
as I did , a handful of them and tried in yaen to clench some between the cheekboy mars;
This was not doing the trick assome of the gel had foundit' goway up the and it felt
like the space shuttle was cunninger' engines behind was probably and only
time in my lifee was going to wish there was agai snowman in the kitchen which should give you
some idea of the depth's was willing to sink to in order's ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts
where no veg had gone , alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen
the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse
in the air, strawberry ice cream my hell end pushing a sprout up my , while
muttering-" [boob that feelsgood "-
Understandably this was a shocked her and she let out a scream and as I hadn' t heard wercome in it
caused an of shock in resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite
some speed in her direction. | can understand that having asabout faded against yoursel at 11 at
night in the kitchen probably wasn' t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to
the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn' t improve mastamusa-. to
sum it up yeeti) , dignity and selt,.
Original source: hatn: '. er' redact-
retri_ _ htt z amzn. to