Cookies for Santa

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little busta? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class at the Pilot School at the Airstrip, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Ballas’ dope houses, and I have over 300 confirmed cop kills. I am trained in gangbanging and I’m the top OG in the entire history of San Andreas. You are nothing to me but just another strung out dope fiend. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in Los Santos, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me through a gang tag? Think again, sherm-head. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of gangstas across San Andreas and your hideout is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, busta. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your gang. You’re fucking dead, busta. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my brass knuckles. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat at all three Gyms, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Grove Street Families and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of San Andreas, you little shit. If only you could have known what gangland retribution your little “clever” tag was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking spray can. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the turf money, you goddamn busta. I will take over you and your turf and you will drown in Grove Street Family bullets. You’re fucking dead, sherm-head.

second time i got to use this today.

To write that all out is real dedication to the joke.

What the zoobidey flip-flop-bop did you just say about me, you flippidy zoob woobity? I'll have you know I zooped and flooped to the top of my class in the zobbler wobbler, and I've rop-wop-flopped in numerous shoobidy doobidies on floppity pudding, and I have over 300 shibbidy bops. I am trained in flap-floppities and I'm the top doober in the entire shibbidy. You are nothing to zoobidy-me but just another zoobidy. I will zoop you the blop out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this floobidy Earth, mark my flibbidy flop. You think you can flop away with zoobing that doobie-woobie to me over the Interzoobies? Think again, flap-flopper. As we speak I am zipping my blopping bloop of flobbidies across the boopidy and your floopidy is being flopped right now so you better poopidy for the big zoobidy flop party, son. You're jeeber zeebered, son. I can be anywhere, any-flopping-time, and I can zoop and woop you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my boobidy shoobidies. Not only am I extensively zooped in zip-wop, but I have access to the entire zabber of the Zap Wop Muggity Top and I will zoop it to its full extent to flap your flobbity flob off the face of the zoobie, you zabber wabber. If only you could have known what zopping fury your little "zoopity" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have zooped up. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you flapping babbling shooby-wooper. I will zip zop all over you and you will drown in it. You're zooped, son.

Is it just me or does op remind you of that one guy on Jimmy neutron. The guy that would like slap dance or something.

Of course I did. Someone had to.

Gorilla warfare. Sounds like a bunch of monkey business.

What in Davy Jones’ locker did ye just bark at me, ye scurvy bilgerat? I’ll have ye know I be the meanest cutthroat on the seven seas, and I’ve led numerous raids on fishing villages, and raped over 300 wenches. I be trained in hit-and-run pillaging and be the deadliest with a pistol of all the captains on the high seas. Ye be nothing to me but another source o’ swag. I’ll have yer guts for garters and keel haul ye like never been done before, hear me true. You think ye can hide behind your newfangled computing device? Think twice on that, scallywag. As we parley I be contacting my secret network o’ pirates across the sea and yer port is being tracked right now so ye better prepare for the typhoon, weevil. The kind o’ monsoon that’ll wipe ye off the map. You’re sharkbait, fool. I can sail anywhere, in any waters, and can kill ye in o’er seven hundred ways, and that be just with me hook and fist. Not only do I be top o’ the line with a cutlass, but I have an entire pirate fleet at my beck and call and I’ll damned sure use it all to wipe yer arse off o’ the world, ye dog. If only ye had had the foresight to know what devilish wrath your jibe was about to incur, ye might have belayed the comment. But ye couldn’t, ye didn’t, and now ye’ll pay the ultimate toll, you buffoon. I’ll shit fury all over ye and ye’ll drown in the depths o’ it. You’re fish food now.

By the nine divines! What did you just say about me, you little skeeverbutt? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the College of Winterhold, and I've been know to cast one hell of a fireball, and I have over 300 confirmed summons. I am trained in daedric warfare and I'm the swords master of the entire Imperial forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will make you beg to Akatosh as I bend you over like a common whelp, mark my words, on my oath as the Dovakin. You think you can come into my mind though this magic device and insult me? Think again,scum. As we speak I have every assassin and thief across all of Tamriel looking for your initial position so you better prepare for the storm atronach,you drauger. The storm atronach that wipes out the pathetic little husk you call your life. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my dragon shouts! Not only am I extensively trained in archery and horseback riding, but I have access to the entire congregation of the thieves guild, dark brotherhood, Mages college, and untold hordes of deadric warriors, and I will use every one of them to banish you to the plane of oblivion.. If only you could have had the clairvoyance to see what divine retribution your little "clever" runes were about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue you dark skin. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will become the embodiment of Mehrunes Dagon, and open a portal to oblivion the likes of which you have never seen. You're fucking dead, milk-drinker.

you gonna take that shit, charlie?

What in Davy Jones' locker did ye just bark at me, ye scurvy bilgerat? I'll have ye know I be the meanest cutthroat on the seven seas, and I've led numerous raids on fishing villages, and raped over 300 wenches. I be trained in hit-and-run pillaging and be the deadliest with a pistol of all the captains on the high seas. Ye be nothing to me but another source o' swag. I'll have yer guts for garters and keel haul ye like never been done before, hear me true. You think ye can hide behind your newfangled computing device? Think twice on that, scallywag. As we parley I be contacting my secret network o' pirates across the sea and yer port is being tracked right now so ye better prepare for the typhoon, weevil. The kind o' monsoon that'll wipe ye off the map. You're sharkbait, fool. I can sail anywhere, in any waters, and can kill ye in o'er seven hundred ways, and that be just with me hook and fist. Not only do I be top o' the line with a cutlass, but I have an entire pirate fleet at my beck and call and I'll damned sure use it all to wipe yer arse off o' the world, ye dog. If only ye had had the foresight to know what devilish wrath your jibe was about to incur, ye might have belayed the comment. But ye couldn't, ye didn't, and now ye'll pay the ultimate toll, you buffoon. I'll shit fury all over ye and ye'll drown in the depths o' it. You're fish food now

What the darn-diddily-doodily did you just say about me, you little witcharooney? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class at Springfield Bible College, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret mission trips in Capital City, and I have over 300 confirmed baptisms. I am trained in the Old Testament and I’m the top converter in the entire church mission group. You are nothing to me but just another heathen. I will cast your sins out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in Heaven, mark my diddily-iddilly words. You think you can get away with saying that blasphemy to me over the Internet? Think again, friendarino. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of evangelists across Springfield and your IP is being traced by God right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggorino. The storm that wipes out the diddily little thing you call your life of sin. You’re going to Church, kiddily-widdily. Jesus can be anywhere, anytime, and he can turn you to the Gospel in over infinity ways, and that’s just with his bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in preaching to nonbelievers, but I have access to the entire dang- diddily Bible collection of the Springfield Bible College and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your sins away off the face of the continent, you diddily-doo satan-worshipper. If only you could have known what holy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you from the Heavens, maybe you would have held your darn-diddily-fundgearoo tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re clean of all your sins, you widdillo-skiddily neighborino. I will sing hymns of praise all over you and you will drown in the love of Christ. You’re farn-foodily- flank-fiddily reborn, kiddo-diddily.

"Your address is being tracked"
Santa left the note at his house.
wat

What in the name of Talos did you just shout at me, you skeever dirt? I’ll have you know I am the greatest warrior in all of Tamriel, and I've led numerous raids on the Imperial City and Thalmor forces, and killed over 300 dragons. I am trained in the ways of the Voice, and I am the deadliest with a dagger of all the assassins that ever served the Dark Brotherhood. You are nothing to me but another whisper from the Night Mother. I’ll find you and consume your soul. You think you can hide behind your Dwemer-like communication device? Think twice on that, peasant. As we speak I am contacting my secret networks of thieves, pirates, werewolves, vampires, and mages across Skyrim and your exact location is being tracked right now so you better get ready for the Thu'um, horker. The kind of shout that destroyed High King Torygg. You’re my clan's next meal, fool. I can ride anywhere, in any province, and can tear you apart you in over a hundred ways, and that's just with my voice. Not only am I the best with a knife, but I have several guilds at my beck and call and I’ll do anything to erase you from the face of Nirn. If only you had a fortune teller to let you know what Daedric wrath your crimes have incurred, you might not have said a word. But you didn't, and now you will pay the ultimate toll, you witch. I’ll shout fire at you and you will get burned. You’re my dinner now.

MFW i post this on facebook and every idiot in the world replies, telling me that if i was really in the army i wouldnt be threatening ppl and that i probably didnt even do any of what i said anyway.

I thought the joke was that he ate the cookies himself or something... cuz he's fat.

Anyway, it would be funnier if that large message by "Santa" was written in a different hand writing atleast.

Santa and Charlie have the same handwriting.