Hawke's Shadows Chapter 1 (a bit long). written by yours truly. would appreciate some feedback, thanks. the part that's cut off basically says that i prefer com Assassin story because i can
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Hawke's Shadows Chapter 1 (a bit long)

written by yours truly. would appreciate some feedback, thanks. the part that's cut off basically says that i prefer comments over anything, and that ive already written a second chapter which i will post later

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Submitted: 06/27/2012
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#4 - sovietllama (06/27/2012) [+] (4 replies)
Great first chapter! If you write a whole book, i would buy it. You should make a prologue so i can tell the setting. Im guessing it's sometime in mid-evil times.    
   
I love how you choreographed the fight scenes, i could picture them perfectly in my head. Some parts could use more detail, don't use the word "things". be more specific! Also, in the beginning, i would have liked to known where the guards were and what organization they were.    
   
When Luna broke down in the dining area, it gave me a feel. Well done.    
   
Amazing plot   
Great character descriptions/names   
superb emotion   
some grammar errors, but i know it's a draft.    
great fluency, i read it with ease   
Awesome detail on fight scenes and other minor climaxes.    
Can't wait to hear on some updates. (MOOOAAAARRR)
Great first chapter! If you write a whole book, i would buy it. You should make a prologue so i can tell the setting. Im guessing it's sometime in mid-evil times.

I love how you choreographed the fight scenes, i could picture them perfectly in my head. Some parts could use more detail, don't use the word "things". be more specific! Also, in the beginning, i would have liked to known where the guards were and what organization they were.

When Luna broke down in the dining area, it gave me a feel. Well done.

Amazing plot
Great character descriptions/names
superb emotion
some grammar errors, but i know it's a draft.
great fluency, i read it with ease
Awesome detail on fight scenes and other minor climaxes.
Can't wait to hear on some updates. (MOOOAAAARRR)
#11 - candypuff (06/28/2012) [+] (2 replies)
wow this i really like this i cant wait to read more from you
#3 - sovietllama (06/27/2012) [+] (1 reply)
For all who TL;DR -----
>Assassin is doing job , kills a commander for a client's pay
>assassin heads back to his safe-house and reveals himself as Elijah Hawke
>Eli is sick of being an assassin and killing people for a living. he wants to do something greater with his life
>He heads to town to cool off and find some peace
>A group of kids try to mug him
>Eli defeats one kid with a knife and shows them all a lesson
>He takes a girl under his wing to change her life. she is nameless and a street rat
>he names her "Luna Sparrow" ; Sparrow because of her new, free life.
>Eli takes her to his aunts restaurant and the girl eats more than she has ever ate in one meal
>the little girl cries because she think it's all a dream. Eli pinches her and she is overcome with joy and relief
> His aunt Maggie hires Luna as her assistant
>Eli gives Luna a coin and she gives him a long hug before rushing off to help Elijah's aunt Maggie
you have to read the actual thing to enjoy it and feel the emotion.
#17 - chlamydia (08/04/2012) [+] (2 replies)
more...now
more...now
#9 - anonymous (06/27/2012) [+] (1 reply)
Not a comment,just a question? where do i find the rest of this story. It sounds like i know it.
User avatar #10 to #9 - DingoJ (06/27/2012) [-]
rest of the story? i wrote this
#1 - anonymous (06/27/2012) [+] (1 reply)
tl;dr
User avatar #2 to #1 - DingoJ (06/27/2012) [-]
was expecting that, ah well
#16 - anonymous (07/01/2012) [-]
<<my words exactly when i finished reading
#15 - anonymous (07/01/2012) [-]
<< My exact words when i finished.
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