Hawke's Shadows Chapter 1 (a bit long)

Also, sentences the character thinks... italicize it so i know it's a thought and not being said out loud or being narrated.
Might wanna use a little less swearing so you can widen your audience. (I'm 100% okay with it, just saying not everybody is)

thank you for your kind words and tips, i will certainly take them into account, i already have chapter 2 down, and will post it tomorrow when i edit it. the setting was also kept secret, but you were right, only there's a twist to the medieval part. the commander's organization is a naval officer (or was), but that's a bit of a spoiler. if you liked Eli, just wait till you meet Yokey. fight scenes have always been my strong point, i collect swords and have learned to use them, so i can relate combat easily :P (also, let's keep you in suspense as to how, but the combat will be evolved soon in a great way). i'm thinking of making a book or a series of books, but i'll start here for now. as for the guard placement, that was just a clumsy mess-up, i have a map i can use for future reference now so hopefully that'll be fixed. and the cursing bit is to make it more realistic (in its own way); the commander was a naval officer, "swearing like a sailor, and Eli's bit was to add emotion and emphasis to what he's saying, so it doesn't sound like a thoughtless murmur to himself. i will respond to any further questions, and appreciate that you took the time to read, because it took me a while to write. and as i stated comments are my favorite because i love to hear ways i can improve, so thank you for taking the time for that :) have a nice day

Ah, now it makes a lot more sense. the anonymousy in the beginning just provoked curiosity. For suspense, that's a good thing. I mean, the first chapter is SUPPOSED to be a cliffhanger. now that i know, It' all makes sense and it's laid out perfectly. The swearing DID add more character and realism for the time period, just saying you might here from some ragin mothers :p. You just might want to add "Navy commander" once in there so we know it's a "drunken sailor" slurring.

I'm just gonna let you do your thing cause i don't know too much about the characters / plot yet. ill wait to comment on your novel till next chapter. All I'm gonna say is.... Tis be a mighty fine piece of literature,my fine gentleman.

Yokey you say? can't wait >:D

yep, i just need to patch up a few things and then change it around. and thank you your compliment brings me joy :D

i'll fix the first chapter too for future reference, and as for the mothers, they can rage all they want, they're buying a book about assassins...as in killing people, as in if their kids shouldn't be swearing they shouldn't be reading a book like that. damn spoiled brats...sorry, ranted there for a second XD

chapter two's up, sorry that i didnt post it yesterday, had a doctor's appointment, enjoy

will be posting chapter 2 today, wouldve done it yesterday, only i passed out from exhaustion

new chapter's up :)

chapter two is up too

rest of the story? i wrote this