Hawke's Shadows Chapter 1 (a bit long). written by yours truly. would appreciate some feedback, thanks. the part that's cut off basically says that i prefer com
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Hawke's Shadows Chapter 1 (a bit long)

written by yours truly. would appreciate some feedback, thanks. the part that's cut off basically says that i prefer comments over anything, and that ive already written a second chapter which i will post later

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Views: 1116
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Submitted: 06/27/2012
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#17 - chlamydia (08/04/2012) [-]
more...now
more...now
User avatar #18 to #17 - DingoJ (08/04/2012) [-]
chapter two is up too
#16 - anonymous (07/01/2012) [-]
<<my words exactly when i finished reading
#15 - anonymous (07/01/2012) [-]
<< My exact words when i finished.
#11 - candypuff (06/28/2012) [-]
wow this i really like this i cant wait to read more from you
User avatar #13 to #11 - DingoJ (06/29/2012) [-]
chapter two's up, sorry that i didnt post it yesterday, had a doctor's appointment, enjoy
User avatar #12 to #11 - DingoJ (06/28/2012) [-]
will be posting chapter 2 today, wouldve done it yesterday, only i passed out from exhaustion
#9 - anonymous (06/27/2012) [-]
Not a comment,just a question? where do i find the rest of this story. It sounds like i know it.
User avatar #10 to #9 - DingoJ (06/27/2012) [-]
rest of the story? i wrote this
#4 - sovietllama (06/27/2012) [-]
Great first chapter! If you write a whole book, i would buy it. You should make a prologue so i can tell the setting. Im guessing it's sometime in mid-evil times.    
   
I love how you choreographed the fight scenes, i could picture them perfectly in my head. Some parts could use more detail, don't use the word &quot;things&quot;. be more specific! Also, in the beginning, i would have liked to known where the guards were and what organization they were.    
   
When Luna broke down in the dining area, it gave me a feel. Well done.    
   
Amazing plot   
Great character descriptions/names   
superb emotion   
some grammar errors, but i know it's a draft.    
great fluency, i read it with ease   
Awesome detail on fight scenes and other minor climaxes.    
Can't wait to hear on some updates. (MOOOAAAARRR)
Great first chapter! If you write a whole book, i would buy it. You should make a prologue so i can tell the setting. Im guessing it's sometime in mid-evil times.

I love how you choreographed the fight scenes, i could picture them perfectly in my head. Some parts could use more detail, don't use the word "things". be more specific! Also, in the beginning, i would have liked to known where the guards were and what organization they were.

When Luna broke down in the dining area, it gave me a feel. Well done.

Amazing plot
Great character descriptions/names
superb emotion
some grammar errors, but i know it's a draft.
great fluency, i read it with ease
Awesome detail on fight scenes and other minor climaxes.
Can't wait to hear on some updates. (MOOOAAAARRR)
#5 to #4 - sovietllama (06/27/2012) [-]
Also, sentences the character thinks... italicize it so i know it's a thought and not being said out loud or being narrated.
Might wanna use a little less swearing so you can widen your audience. (I'm 100% okay with it, just saying not everybody is)
User avatar #6 to #5 - DingoJ (06/27/2012) [-]
thank you for your kind words and tips, i will certainly take them into account, i already have chapter 2 down, and will post it tomorrow when i edit it. the setting was also kept secret, but you were right, only there's a twist to the medieval part. the commander's organization is a naval officer (or was), but that's a bit of a spoiler. if you liked Eli, just wait till you meet Yokey. fight scenes have always been my strong point, i collect swords and have learned to use them, so i can relate combat easily :P (also, let's keep you in suspense as to how, but the combat will be evolved soon in a great way). i'm thinking of making a book or a series of books, but i'll start here for now. as for the guard placement, that was just a clumsy mess-up, i have a map i can use for future reference now so hopefully that'll be fixed. and the cursing bit is to make it more realistic (in its own way); the commander was a naval officer, "swearing like a sailor, and Eli's bit was to add emotion and emphasis to what he's saying, so it doesn't sound like a thoughtless murmur to himself. i will respond to any further questions, and appreciate that you took the time to read, because it took me a while to write. and as i stated comments are my favorite because i love to hear ways i can improve, so thank you for taking the time for that :) have a nice day
#7 to #6 - sovietllama (06/27/2012) [-]
Ah, now it makes a lot more sense. the anonymousy in the beginning just provoked curiosity. For suspense, that's a good thing. I mean, the first chapter is SUPPOSED to be a cliffhanger. now that i know, It' all makes sense and it's laid out perfectly. The swearing DID add more character and realism for the time period, just saying you might here from some ragin mothers :p. You just might want to add &quot;Navy commander&quot; once in there so we know it's a &quot;drunken sailor&quot; slurring.    
   
I'm just gonna let you do your thing cause i don't know too much about the characters / plot yet. ill wait to comment on your novel till next chapter. All I'm gonna say is.... Tis be a mighty fine piece of literature,my fine gentleman.    
   
Yokey you say? can't wait &gt;:D
Ah, now it makes a lot more sense. the anonymousy in the beginning just provoked curiosity. For suspense, that's a good thing. I mean, the first chapter is SUPPOSED to be a cliffhanger. now that i know, It' all makes sense and it's laid out perfectly. The swearing DID add more character and realism for the time period, just saying you might here from some ragin mothers :p. You just might want to add "Navy commander" once in there so we know it's a "drunken sailor" slurring.

I'm just gonna let you do your thing cause i don't know too much about the characters / plot yet. ill wait to comment on your novel till next chapter. All I'm gonna say is.... Tis be a mighty fine piece of literature,my fine gentleman.

Yokey you say? can't wait >:D
User avatar #8 to #7 - DingoJ (06/27/2012) [-]
yep, i just need to patch up a few things and then change it around. and thank you your compliment brings me joy :D

i'll fix the first chapter too for future reference, and as for the mothers, they can rage all they want, they're buying a book about assassins...as in killing people, as in if their kids shouldn't be swearing they shouldn't be reading a book like that. damn spoiled brats...sorry, ranted there for a second XD
#3 - sovietllama (06/27/2012) [-]
For all who TL;DR -----
>Assassin is doing job , kills a commander for a client's pay
>assassin heads back to his safe-house and reveals himself as Elijah Hawke
>Eli is sick of being an assassin and killing people for a living. he wants to do something greater with his life
>He heads to town to cool off and find some peace
>A group of kids try to mug him
>Eli defeats one kid with a knife and shows them all a lesson
>He takes a girl under his wing to change her life. she is nameless and a street rat
>he names her "Luna Sparrow" ; Sparrow because of her new, free life.
>Eli takes her to his aunts restaurant and the girl eats more than she has ever ate in one meal
>the little girl cries because she think it's all a dream. Eli pinches her and she is overcome with joy and relief
> His aunt Maggie hires Luna as her assistant
>Eli gives Luna a coin and she gives him a long hug before rushing off to help Elijah's aunt Maggie
you have to read the actual thing to enjoy it and feel the emotion.
User avatar #14 to #3 - DingoJ (06/29/2012) [-]
new chapter's up :)
#1 - anonymous (06/27/2012) [-]
tl;dr
User avatar #2 to #1 - DingoJ (06/27/2012) [-]
was expecting that, ah well
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