Meanwhile in an alternate universe

Translation attempt:
Hello, I am twenty years old and I am just trying to make it in the rap game, but the world does not love anyone, so you need money to make things happen, if you understand. So, I am posting this resume to find work, I have lots of skills that can help to make your company successful, if you know what I mean. People like me are looking for work, but unlike them I am not interested in hourly wages, and would prefer a salaried position with pay upfront.
Here is a partial list of my skills:
I can roll a blunt, even in the rain
I can count money faster than a trained bank teller
I can disconnect a car stereo in nine seconds
I can stab people twenty-two times in a minute
I convinced my probation officer to love me
I didn't go to school, but I dropped in for the free lunch program
I can dance an incredible "dougie" dance
I can cover a three block distance in thirty seconds, even with two thirty-two inch screen televisions in tow

When did you move from Africa??