Tard Stories 21 (22 in Desc.)

>Tard nigger named Jamal or some shit at my school.
>He is 19 and loves to pick fights.
>Me and girlfriend of 11 months in line. He comes up and tries to kiss my girlfriend. \
>I throttle him. He pushes me off and pulls a little tiny-ass pocketknife.
>I pull my 17.5 inch kukri out of my chest holster and tells him to fuck off. He rats me out and then being a tard, tells the principal he pulled a blade on me first.
>Dumb fucking tard is expelled.
> I get nothing and the tard is in an institute.
>MFW I found out about the principal's punishment for the tard.

The most successful thing I've done on funnyjunk is get one of my tard put on one of these comps

>10th grade art class
>Tard joins class for 2nd semester
>Everyone is working on their projects, when we hear tard screams of frustration
>I look at tard, hes trying to fold paper in half, and cant do it
>Gives up and throws paint at everyone with a war cry
> Goes to drying rack, reaches in to grab some paper
> Tards hand gets stuck, starts screming "ITS BITING MEEEEEE!"
>Tard shits himself, and starts throwing shit at the rack
> Everyone is silent as the tard runs out of class room with his hand still in the rack.
>MFW

The last one...


<---- Karma level

This happened today, no lie:

>In college library
>Lunchtime, so library is pretty busy
>On a computer trying to write a French essay
>Headache so no earphones and music for once
>Tard girl is on a computer on the opposite side of the library
>She is Albanian
>Has massive headphones on and is singing Albanian songs at the top of her lungs
>The library has a "silent study" policy
>Everyone in the library pissing themselves laughing
>Civilians sat near tard girl flee
>Librarian too scared to approach tard girl
>Tard wrangler alerted
>Tard wrangler arrives and confiscates the headphones
>Tard girl realises everyone is laughing at her
>Tard breakdown
>MFW

>be in 10th grade
>be in weightlifting
>tard named taylor is my partner only because we bench the same
>tard benches 225 like its nothing
>spotting him
>notice he has a full-on foot-long in his gym shorts
>tell everyone in class about it
>week later
>tard has to go to the bathroom
>slut in my class follows him shortly after
>she returns minutes later adjusting herself
>tard is still gone
>class ends and the tard wrangler is flipping out cause she cant find her tard
>we find him in the locker room with his pants down
>baseball bat boner with a condom on it
>cant figure out how to get it off
>i snicker
>he hears me and pins me against the wall
>pants still down and his boner throbbing
>everyone watching
>whispers in my ear "i will buhrake you"
>have to get out of the situation
>take the condom off an he hugs me
>mfw

>be in english class and have to do questions about a book we read.
>tard called morgan sits next to me pretending to read the book.
>teacher says he has to leave for 15 minutes and for us to continue our work.
>most kids go to the front and talk in a big group
>im just chilling at the back with my friend his back towards the tard me facing him.
>i notice morgan look around the class and then clamp the book around his tardick.
>he starts batting off and im like 0.0.
>my friend is like wat wat?
>morgan makes this face and starts going ugh ugh its coming.
>he points it towards my friend and i push him out of the way.
>jet of tard sperm hits me blank in the face.
>class goes silent and stares at me.
>teacher enters class and looks at my friend on the floor, the tard with his dick out and me.
>tard gets expelled.
>mfw

There was this kid I knew, his name was Alex. I don't if he had a disability of just some serious anger management issues, but he flipped out all the damn time. And the fucker took karate classes, much to the dismay of any teachers who tried calming him down. Anyways, here goes:
>be me in grade 2
>angry kid Alex had his birthday a few days ago, so has cake in lunch
>wrapping up math class, teacher asks one last question before dismissing us to eat
>Alex raises his hand, teacher calls on him
>Alex gets the answer wrong
>teacher tells him he isn't even close
>ohshitni­ggerwhatareyoudoing
>can see Alex's face contorting with rage
>Alex gets up, knocking over his chair, then proceeds to leap up onto his desk while screeching like a fucking banshee
>Teacher asks him to get down
>Alex bends down, grabs one of those giant erasers (the ones that say "for big mistakes") and whips it with all his might
>teacher ducks, eraser bounces off chalk board and hits a kid in the head, who starts to bleed
>Alex grabs his lunchbox, pulls out the cake and shoves the whole thing in his mouth
>teacher has had enough, tackles Alex off the desk
>cake flies out of his mouth, goes fucking everywhere
>still screeching, Alex curls into a ball, his hands clenched together
>teacher hooks his elbow around Alex's arms like a basket, and then starts to carry him to the office two stories bellow
>Alex doesn't like this, kicks teacher with all his strength in the ribs
>teacher is mad now, grabs Alex roughly by the hand to drag him to the office, class follows
>teacher successfully get him down one flight of stairs, but as he starts going down the next, Alex goes ragdoll and falls all the way down
>we went back to class, could still hear the screeching

Alex got sent to a tard school after that

Let me retoast my story. Actually happened...
>High school, freshman.
>Spanish right next to the retard class.
>Teacher keeps door open.
>Mid test, hear UHHHHHGHHHHHHHGHHHH!
>Laughs loudly while teacher stares.
>Skip two periods, Band
>Percussionist, so I'm at the back of the room.
>Same kid is in there for music therapy or some shit, without me realizing he was in there.
>In the middle of us practicing Crazy Train for marching band I hear his retard yodel
> Last twice as long as the first one.
>Think it's one of the other band people that was in Spanish with me trying to make me laugh, so I laugh even louder than before.
>Band teacher hears me laugh and sends me out for being disrespectful.
>Still laughing outside.
>Realize it was a melon muncher retard.
>Stupid melon munchers...

>Year 9 (Dunno what the American equivalent is, 10th Grade possibly?)
>Rugby practice
>Rugby team practice on field
>Tard wants to practice with us
>whythefucknot?.jpg
>Standard rugby game, tard just runs about
>We pass ball to tard, just to see how he fairs at Rugby
>Lets out tard battlecry
>Runs down wing
>Gets close to tryline
>Massive black friend tackles him hard
>Out on the floor crying
>We wait to see if he's carrying on
>Black friend sent inside
>Tard gets up a lets out a Nordic Tardborn Shout
>Chases black friend for a good 100m
>Stops and starts crying again
>mfw

>Be grade 10
>sitting in socials class
>tards in our school are tasked with going to all the classes and collecting all recycling and garbage bins.
>Tard that wears a rugby scrum cap, mittens and socks on his hands, and knee pads enters.
>tard comes in to collect our stuff
>tries to take full water bottle from girl, she politely tells him she's not done with it
>tard flips shit, grabs the garbage bin and up-ends it, starts smacking his knee on the wall screaming something like EEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
>tard wrangler calls for backup, school liason officer shows up
>wranglers drag tard out of class, tard gets a shot at lead wrangler, her nose starts gushing.
>tard continues screeching down the hall while being dragged away
>everyone starts laughing in class, never see tard again.

>10 years old at school
>obsessed with lord of the rings
>sat in class
>tard kid next to me
>he is writing something
>I look over and ask "what is it your writing Jonny?"
>he says its a "novel" he has been writing
>random troll kid in class calls him out saying his book is rubbish and starts laughing loud
>tard flips out and charges at kid
>teacher steps infront of screaming tard protecting the troll
>tard screams in teachers face and says get out of my way
>teacher says "you will not pass"
>all i can think of is the mordor scene with gandalf
>me and friends refer to the tard as "The Balrog" till present

These are really funny. Keep making them!

>In year 5
>Tard named Ryan in my group who has regular outbreaks
>Sits behind me
>Leans fowards and wispers to me "Our teacher is a cow"
>Expects me to laugh
>I don't
>He starts to throw one of his super powered tard fits
>OHFUCKINGSHITTHEBEASTHASAWOKEN.jpeg
>Carer notices and tells teacher and us to leave
>We all go into to the hall
>10 teachers enter the beasts domain
>2 hours later it is safe to enter
>Chairs are broken, the computer is destroyed, tables are flipped and the tard has written swear words all over the room
>Me and my friends look at each other
>Piss ourselves with laughter
>Tard is know as The Destroyer from then on

>be in 7th grade
>some rooms are flooded so spanish teacher comes to our math room
>doing spanish things
>hear screaming in hallway
>suddenly tard busts in the room holding a hamster
>spanish teacher tries to calm him down
>starts speaking spanish with teacher
>tard tries to eat hamster
>hamster shit everywhere
>tard guard comes and makes the tard spit out the hamster
>hamster is dead
mfw tards can speak spanish

I pinkieed only for the 6th one

>Tard at my primary school, I'm about 7 and so's he
>His name is Graham
>Enter changing rooms after sports class

>Graham hadn't been there, but no-one had noticed
>As I walk in, I notice a large pile of shit, and a smiling Graham standing over it
>Manically, he turns as the rest of the class walk into the room
>Everyone screams

>Unnerved, I turn to leave along with the screaming bitches, but I noticed something in his hand
>My feeling turn to confusion, as I see him holding lipstick
>A bitch has told the teach at this point
>Downie gets dragged from changing rooms, covered in shit and wearing lipsitck

True story.

Also, read the first letter of every line.