My book. So FJ, I'm currently writing a book, down below is the prologue, i want you to read it and tell me what you think Prologue We’ve all heard the stories.
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My book

So FJ, I'm currently writing a book, down below is the prologue, i want you to read it and tell me what you think

Prologue

We’ve all heard the stories. A fallen angel or god who vows revenge upon those who have shunned them. That revenge will bring about the end of all mankind in an epic battle between the two forces.
It has been call many things. Apocalypse, Armageddon, Ragnorak, etc. the story closest to the truth is found within the Bible.
A rogue angel is cast from the heavens. Thrown so hard he travels straight through the crust. The sharp rocks tearing the feathers from his wings and the flesh from his bones, horribly disfiguring him. However, when he plunged in the mantle, the heat burned what little feathers and hairs that remained, off. Swimming desperately he found refuge in a small cave in the bottom most portion of the crust.
Trillions upon Trillions of years later, mankind’s population has grown considerably. The playthings of the Dark One who had been cast down and the Creator who tries to steer them clear of his influence. His power has increased substantially beyond that which he had when with the Creator, due to collecting the souls of those he cheated them from. Although his appearance has changed for the worse, the heat and dry air has tanned his skin a reddish color, his wings (which could not grow back it’s feathers) were now covered in dark gray scales and his lack of heavenly food has given him a starved look.
What does all this have to do with me? Let’s just say I got caught in the middle of it all…

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Submitted: 11/21/2011
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#4 - narkyelite **User deleted account** has deleted their comment [+] (2 replies)
#24 - MaelRadec (11/21/2011) [-]
serving the puny gods of hell and the weak gods of heaven??? HA!!! you will get NOTHING out of this... i served under the name of the creator and i fell but rather to cast to the underworld i was cast away into the depths of the void... there i found the TRUE GODS!!!! THE DARK GODS OF CHAOS!!!!
papa Nurgle: the eldest of the gods, the god of decay, despair, destruction and love. all those who follow him become more than just mutant but rather unholy, disgusting creatures that plague all they touch
Tzeenetch: the smartest of the gods.god of hope, sorcery, change, planing, rebirth and art. sacred to many sorceres he affects every world that fall in his intrest it's a god with no stable face or sex it always changes and so do it's followers
Khorne: the ruler of the void and the strongest and the most powerful of the gods since he is the god of war, bloodshed, murder, anger and hate. he cares little of the other gods but has the greatest affect on humanity making it the most bloodthirsty race ever to be in creation. all the massacres, homicides and wars were mad to his satisfaction and he rewards greatly those who spill blood and collect skulls in his name.
Slaanesh: the youngest of the gods. the god of pleasure and pain. the only god that has both sexs in it and he is the most hated god by Khorne as they fight each other more that this universe has ever fought against each others....
and me... caught in all of this chaos... just a mere pawn in Tzeenethc's games, a mere toys in Slaanesh's pleasure, a mere tool in Khorne's bloodlust and a mere vesel to the plague of Nurgle... just... a... "human".... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!
User avatar #11 - trevfromnz (11/21/2011) [+] (1 reply)
sounds good, from what youve written there i'd definitely keep reading
#25 - CIS White Male (11/23/2011) [-]
I'm writing a book, too :D
User avatar #19 - cylys (11/21/2011) [+] (4 replies)
It's plain. That's the first thing I noticed. Not bad for a start. Too short to be the prologue of a serious book, however. The flow feels off, like it was whipped up quickly.

What's good is that it has content. You got right into the meat of the issue, but that isn't pleasant for a reader to see. It has too feel almost like poetry. Add some color. Describe everything. Maybe start with the scenario which caused him to be cast down? Dialogue that serves to add a setting that may or may not recur AND characterized the main character (If that is the main character).

Go into more detail about what the angel looks like. Don't state things right out like

"His power has increased substantially beyond that which he had when with the Creator, due to collecting the souls of those he cheated them from. Although his appearance has changed for the worse, the heat and dry air has tanned his skin a reddish color, his wings (which could not grow back it’s feathers) were now covered in dark gray scales and his lack of heavenly food has given him a starved loo"

Instead say something like

"The demon shuddered as yet another soul made it's way under his influence. Since the dawn of man, he had found them to be a weak race, so vulnerable to corruption. A little lie here and a promise there and they were his... Forever. So much time had gone by, he had lost count how many moaning, pitiful things he had captive in the blood-red amulet dangling from his neck, and it didn't really matter. The thing, emaciated and weak-seeming, radiated with an inexplicable power. His wings were long gone and his skin was just a few shades shy of matching the amulet glittering despite the lack of light. It grinned, knowing the time was coming. Soon all this time and planning would come to an end, and a new era would begin... The last piece of the puzzle was in his sights: a simple teenage boy."

And then go on to narrate from the main character's point of view, or something like that.
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