My book. So FJ, I'm currently writing a book, down below is the prologue, i want you to read it and tell me what you think Prologue We’ve all heard the stories.
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My book

So FJ, I'm currently writing a book, down below is the prologue, i want you to read it and tell me what you think

Prologue...more »

So FJ, I'm currently writing a book, down below is the prologue, i want you to read it and tell me what you think

Prologue

We’ve all heard the stories. A fallen angel or god who vows revenge upon those who have shunned them. That revenge will bring about the end of all mankind in an epic battle between the two forces.
It has been call many things. Apocalypse, Armageddon, Ragnorak, etc. the story closest to the truth is found within the Bible.
A rogue angel is cast from the heavens. Thrown so hard he travels straight through the crust. The sharp rocks tearing the feathers from his wings and the flesh from his bones, horribly disfiguring him. However, when he plunged in the mantle, the heat burned what little feathers and hairs that remained, off. Swimming desperately he found refuge in a small cave in the bottom most portion of the crust.
Trillions upon Trillions of years later, mankind’s population has grown considerably. The playthings of the Dark One who had been cast down and the Creator who tries to steer them clear of his influence. His power has increased substantially beyond that which he had when with the Creator, due to collecting the souls of those he cheated them from. Although his appearance has changed for the worse, the heat and dry air has tanned his skin a reddish color, his wings (which could not grow back it’s feathers) were now covered in dark gray scales and his lack of heavenly food has given him a starved look.
What does all this have to do with me? Let’s just say I got caught in the middle of it all…

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Submitted: 11/21/2011
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#25 - anonymous (11/23/2011) [-]
I'm writing a book, too :D
#24 - MaelRadec (11/21/2011) [-]
serving the puny gods of hell and the weak gods of heaven??? HA!!! you will get NOTHING out of this... i served under the name of the creator and i fell but rather to cast to the underworld i was cast away into the depths of the void... there i found the TRUE GODS!!!! THE DARK GODS OF CHAOS!!!!
papa Nurgle: the eldest of the gods, the god of decay, despair, destruction and love. all those who follow him become more than just mutant but rather unholy, disgusting creatures that plague all they touch
Tzeenetch: the smartest of the gods.god of hope, sorcery, change, planing, rebirth and art. sacred to many sorceres he affects every world that fall in his intrest it's a god with no stable face or sex it always changes and so do it's followers
Khorne: the ruler of the void and the strongest and the most powerful of the gods since he is the god of war, bloodshed, ****** , anger and hate. he cares little of the other gods but has the greatest affect on humanity making it the most bloodthirsty race ever to be in creation. all the massacres, homicides and wars were mad to his satisfaction and he rewards greatly those who spill blood and collect skulls in his name.
Slaanesh: the youngest of the gods. the god of pleasure and pain. the only god that has both sexs in it and he is the most hated god by Khorne as they fight each other more that this universe has ever fought against each others....
and me... caught in all of this chaos... just a mere pawn in Tzeenethc's games, a mere toys in Slaanesh's pleasure, a mere tool in Khorne's bloodlust and a mere vesel to the plague of Nurgle... just... a... "human".... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!
User avatar #19 - cylys (11/21/2011) [-]
It's plain. That's the first thing I noticed. Not bad for a start. Too short to be the prologue of a serious book, however. The flow feels off, like it was whipped up quickly.

What's good is that it has content. You got right into the meat of the issue, but that isn't pleasant for a reader to see. It has too feel almost like poetry. Add some color. Describe everything. Maybe start with the scenario which caused him to be cast down? Dialogue that serves to add a setting that may or may not recur AND characterized the main character (If that is the main character).

Go into more detail about what the angel looks like. Don't state things right out like

"His power has increased substantially beyond that which he had when with the Creator, due to collecting the souls of those he cheated them from. Although his appearance has changed for the worse, the heat and dry air has tanned his skin a reddish color, his wings (which could not grow back it’s feathers) were now covered in dark gray scales and his lack of heavenly food has given him a starved loo"

Instead say something like

"The demon shuddered as yet another soul made it's way under his influence. Since the dawn of man, he had found them to be a weak race, so vulnerable to corruption. A little lie here and a promise there and they were his... Forever. So much time had gone by, he had lost count how many moaning, pitiful things he had captive in the blood-red amulet dangling from his neck, and it didn't really matter. The thing, emaciated and weak-seeming, radiated with an inexplicable power. His wings were long gone and his skin was just a few shades shy of matching the amulet glittering despite the lack of light. It grinned, knowing the time was coming. Soon all this time and planning would come to an end, and a new era would begin... The last piece of the puzzle was in his sights: a simple teenage boy."

And then go on to narrate from the main character's point of view, or something like that.
User avatar #22 to #19 - Sanguinarian (11/21/2011) [-]
holy **** dude, that's a badass paragraph, is it cool if i use it?
User avatar #23 to #22 - cylys (11/21/2011) [-]
Sure, but you HAVE to write your book how you want to write it. Read books. Read lots of books. It will help SO much, trust me.

Here are some tips for you
>There is no such thing as too much detail
>Follow the "rule of 3"
>Don't write it as you would say it. Write it as you were painting a picture and every sentence is a brushstroke added to a painting. The point isn't to get a point across. It's to make a world for the reader to live it and a story that they can give a **** about with characters they don't want to die, but you kill them anyway in order to make the readers cry like little bitches.
>Be careful in your writing. Finalize nothing until you are 150% sure that you can't add anymore and the part of that picture isn't going to look out of place later and it's as good as it can be.
>Don't show your work to people without revising HEAVILY first. You don't want their only comment to be "That comma is off," or "You spelled that wrong."
>Make sure your grammar and punctuation is correct
>PROOFREAD PROOFREAD PROOFREAD
>When you're done proofreading, proofread again.
>And another time.
>And maybe once more for good measure
>Get creative. Don't steal lines from any movies or books no matter how badass they seem. You know your characters better than anyone, so speak with their voices, not some other author's.
>Make characters YOU would give a **** about and write them in a way that makes others give a **** . I can't tell you how many books I've read where THE MAIN CHARACTER DIES and I could not give even one **** . They weren't written well
>Read bad books to know what NOT to do.
>Be hyper critical of your own work
>I could do this for hours, so on last thing, HAVE FUN, GODDAMNIT!!! If you, as an author, aren't having fun with creating this world, then either you've been forced to do it, or the world isn't as worthy of creation as you previously thought. Maybe it needs a break or maybe a redo.

I hope this helps. LIke I said, PM me if you need anything.
User avatar #20 to #19 - cylys (11/21/2011) [-]
The good thing is that you are writing. DO NOT LET ANYONE ELSE'S NEGATIVE COMMENTS STOP YOU.

The only way to get good at doing ANYTHING is to do it.

Good luck to you, friend. I you want any proofreading done, friend me, pm, whatever. I'll give you my email, and help however I can.
User avatar #21 to #20 - cylys (11/21/2011) [-]
And the paragraph I wrote was just an example and is in NO WAY supposed to be representative of what you should write... I just felt like that needed saying, whether it did or not.
User avatar #11 - trevfromnz (11/21/2011) [-]
sounds good, from what youve written there i'd definitely keep reading
User avatar #14 to #11 - Sanguinarian (11/21/2011) [-]
this is weird, i either expected down thumbs or a bunch of tl;dr's, thanks
+2
#4 - narkyelite **User deleted account** has deleted their comment [-]
User avatar #6 to #4 - Sanguinarian (11/21/2011) [-]
will do, thanks for the input
+1
#7 to #6 - narkyelite **User deleted account** has deleted their comment [-]
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