Epic one liners
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t) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not
putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching
them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them
to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5] My mother never realized the irony in calling me a -
E] Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They
should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Tl I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the
9) " I agreed with you, we' d both be wrong.
to) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from
many is research.
11] I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn' t work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12] Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
13] We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than
14] A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. Cwrt my desk, I have a work station,,
tti) I should' known it wasn' t going to work out between my ex-
wife and me. After all, I' m a Libra and she' s a bitch.
15] How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?
IT) I didn' t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
IIB) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for
me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so
I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21} Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few
weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very
edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made so many.
2?} I didn' t say it was your fault, I said t was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won' t expect "
31} Some people say ''If you can' t beat them, join them". I say "If
you can' t beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting
you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
23) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
Bal A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such
a way that you will look forward to the trip.
tti) Money can' t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier
to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others...
whenever they go.
27) I discovered I scream the same way whether I' m about to be
devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed
touches my foot.
wtt) I don' t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn' t
29) War does not determine who is right. " determines who is