Seriously?

me too!

Must be Quagmire before he found out about internet porn.

I have sweaty feet.

i dont know

No....Let me guide you through my entire process...First i walk into my parents bedroom and tell them im about to tug the tiger so they don't call the cops when they here the screaming. So then i drive over to the hardware store. I leave the store with sandpaper, D Cell batteries, razor blades, and industrial strength Bleach and a tank of blue rhino propane. As im walking across the parking lot to my pale white econoline van i drop my pants and throw them down the storm drain. This gets my adrenaline going! So i hope in the car and head home. Once im in my room i grab the batteries and rip em open and pour the acid into a cup. then i take the sandpaper and dip it into the cup until its soaked all the way with the battery acid. then i kinda fold the sandpaper Hotdog style and wrap it around my cock which at this point is a good 6 inches long and still growing. Then i fap normally with the acidic sandpaper around my dick. This REALLY gets me going. I do it right to the edge a few times and then stop and cool off for a few minutes. I take the razor blades and cut the acid sandpaper into super thin strips. Once i have about 25 thin strips I tie them together to make a rope and noose. then put the noose around my dick and tie the other end to the cieling fan. After that i call my little sister into the room and tell her to turn on the fan and she usually flips the fuck out telling me im a freak for being into this kinda stuff. I tell her to shut the fuck up and turn the fan to the ultra cool setting. Then she goes and calls the cops or some shit. Anyway now im just fucking whiriling around the room hanging from the fan from my long john. so i grab the bleach as im flying around the room and gargle it cause it gives me a nice cool feeling. That's usually the point when the muthafucking 5-0 show up so they walk in and are totally fucking flabberghasted so i jump off the fain beat the cops into the ground cum on their faces!!! That's when i get the dog.

That's nothing. Let me walk you through my process:

I get horny, walk into the bathroom, lock the door, sit down, fap, clean up, and spray some febreeze so they think I took a shit.

And that's when I bring in the walrus.

Ohhhhhhhh SHIT! You think a walrus is hardcore!? When im done letting the dog lick propane off my dick I go to the cemetary....And, well, you know what comes next....

Okay, I'm going to go off subject here because this is the only chance I will ever get a chance to say this.

I'm actually accused of being a necrophile by my family. My Ex-girlfriend's best friend, who was also a good friend of mine, died a few years ago. Me and my ex both loved her like a sister, and we couldn't get over it for a very long time. One day, I found her old necklace at my house, and I called Danya, and we both broke down. My parents asked me what was wrong, and I told them.
They got mad and said that girls shouldn't matter to me, school should. And I had the bright idea of screaming "Dead girls matter!!!!"
And now they make fun of me for liking dead girls now.

your parents are assholes...

Dammit Bobby, you don't use propane for that.

I go outside to my shed, take off all my clothes, and fap like a mother fucker. Sometimes in the front yard.

Always happens at night.

This is the funniest damn thing I've read on Funnyjunk in years. Give this man a bloody medal.

I sure dont.

I don't use lotion, it makes it harder to fap IMO.

Nah... you're not the only one don't worry.

I don't use it, as far as i know my friends don't use it either...

Uh...you're very informed, I see

I.. I mean... i didnt mean... well you see... I.. its not like i saw them fapping or something... its just i didn't see anything in their rooms that could be used as lotion... but strangely enough, i wonder if women use it for their "fapping" In ebery girl room i've been there's always creams and stuff... mostly for their skin and all that crap, but who knows xD

Sure...loljk I'm messing with you, man

so you like to spend alot of time with your freinds then?

LOL BECUZ U HAV FORESKIN? LOL

BE JEALOUS OF MY FORESKIN, INFIDEL.

They all jealous!

grandmas boy?
kind of?

daddy stop it!!!!!!!!!

turn it into a comic

she thought he was fa-... oh... you again.

haha i just said that bro

Well his mom is retarded...

Fixed
>Dad opens the door
>Gets on the floor
>Everybody walks the dinosaur

You forgot this
<---

Indeed I did.


Unrelated.

..why the hell would you fap with earphones on?

its was 3 am why wouldnt he?

oh boy
i hope you feel better!

why did you stop?

when i was younger i used to go on the internet to purposely get a boner, but felt oddly unsatisfied with just that. once i discovered actual masturbation it was the best day of my

life

ha that was actually on accendent bro

As soon as I learned to masturbate, it was all uphill from there.

he reads them for the articles

i made a goal. to fap in every room of my apartment. and i did. furiously

i did that too, got to last room and couldn't do it...the dog was staring

i looked him in the eye and finished

thats a special bond you have with your dog there....

I made a goal. To fap in every state in my country. Only 2 more to go.

I masturbate in my living room more often than in any other room in my house. I live with my mother and she has a very predictable sleeping pattern so it's easy to determine when to masturbate. Plus, I'm pretty much awake from 9PM to 1PM every day.

Id rather not haha.

There's always that chance someone is gonna walk in on you.

Me.

I do it in the basement cause then anyone coming down the stairs won't catch me by surprise.

Dub get!

NYE HE HE!! winrar!

I'd try getting dubs myself by i'm afraid of red thumbs.

**pyrelord rolls 27** Eh what the hell.

**pyrelord rolls 09** Plus this equals dubs

**pyrelord rolls 623** Plus this equals trips.

**DrJanItor rolls 65** age of ex girl friend