I need to poop. OH CRAp. All in all, it hadn' t been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a see cellphones need to poop plastic brown Balls
Login or register

I need to poop

All in all, it hadn' t been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning
computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething
cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over
hours since I' d last taken a dump. I' d tried to jumpstart the
process, beginning my day with a bowl fiber cereal,
following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a lunch
at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with
subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things
would be happening soon. Alas, Ihad to stop at the mall to pick up an order
for my fiancee. I completed this task, and as Iwas walking past the stores on my way backto the
car, Unoticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Gol" This was prophetic, for my colon
informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about
to go.
I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have
numbered o through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:
C) ocupied.
l. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it' s next to the occupied one.
2. Poo on seat.
3. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
ril. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of
Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped tron and
sat down. I' m normally a fairly Shameful Shatter. Twasn' t happy about being
next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.
Iwas just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds
of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering
the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone
conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Chat of
Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on Mr. Shatter was
blathering to Mrs. Shatter about the shatty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting
for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, angrier and angrier, thinking that I,
too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no
uncertain terms that if I didn' t get mapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamelessness. I no longer
care d. I gripped the toilet pap er holder with one hand, braced my other hand
against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded
with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone
ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being tom off a wall.
The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated tone, not
unlike someone firing up a Harley. Emanated to hit the resonance frequency
of the stall, and it shook gently.
Cance my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became
apparent) 1) The conversation had ceased; (2) my colon' s
continued seizing indicated that there was more to come, and (3) the
bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a
gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way underlie stall and began
choking my poop -mate. This initial "herald" fart had
ended his conversation in .
Oh my Go d," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of
choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn' t me (cough, gag), you could hear
that gags?"
Now there was no stopping me. Iaughed for all I was worth. I could swear
that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and
blasts, Iwas actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in
me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later,
in surveying the damage, I' d see that liquid poop had actually managed to
ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now,
alli could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he
desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made
themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horible... throw up...
followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one' s phone and wipe one' s bum at
the same time. Just as my abuse of the toilet was winding
down, Iheard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear
words and gags. My poopchute had dropped his phone into the toilet.
There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I
could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal
announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily
into the water. That must have been the last straw. Iheard a flush, a
fumbling with the lo ck, and then the stall do or was thrown open. I heard him
running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
I / 06( Wed) 065407 No. 13457460
After a considerable amount of paperwork, Igot up and surveyed the damage.
I felt bad for the janitor who' d be forced to deal with this, but I knew
that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that
unholy mess. Flushing would only ad to a floor flooded with filth.
As Lleft, Balanced into the stall. Nothing remained in the bowl.
Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom
with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.
I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a
face glaring at me. Buti saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has
managed to transfer my Shamelessness to my anonymous poopchute. Ithink itll be a long time before
he can bring poop in public -- andl doubt hell ever again answer his cell phone in the loo.
And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in theb athro om.
Views: 47020 Submitted: 02/13/2010
Hide Comments
Leave a comment Refresh Comments (217)
Anonymous comments allowed.
User avatar #144 - avionn
Reply +14 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
ok i have a story similar but a little better. i to hadent shat for days but as i ate a lot of bran muffinz and laxitives(witch in hindsight didnt work at all) i found my self pooping,where you would not belive i was IN CHURCH!!!(after service really) i have had cramps all service and as soon as it let out i ran to the bathroom gaining the attention of a few pretty girls. i was about to drop my tremendus load when all the suddon 5-8 guys came in. then for some reason the turd i almost got out traveled in reverse and went back up my poo-hole. i held it in as long as i could but finally it came out in a thunderous chourus of splooshe's and tears and farts...To be continued
User avatar #145 to #144 - avionn
Reply +16 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
my heiny actually tore open and blood along with poop and some form of bile(yellow greenish stuff O.o)came out and released a stench so horrid that made half the guys stop mid pee and run out the door screaming "oh dear merciful god" so when i was almost finsihed someone else came in but seemed to wait for me so i finished up pain of my anus torn distracting me from smell. i tried to flush but it just kept filling it finally stoped one inch from the rim. tried to secretly sneack out but the person waiting for me turned out to be the pastor i was O.O so i walk out (and im only 16 at the time) ashamed and violated (not to mention in sering pain) as soon as i got a clear path i ran all the way to my car(asshurting every step) never went back.
User avatar #155 to #145 - SheWolfie
Reply +3 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
that must suck...
heres a thumbs up 4 ur troubles
User avatar #158 to #145 - avionn
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
I can already see someone that saw this putting it up on funnyjunk -.-
User avatar #171 to #158 - flashfire
Reply -1 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
thats some ****** up ****.
User avatar #154 to #145 - rustygate
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
Dude!!! I am sorry that you felt that way! If it had been my church we would have put you in front of the church and said we forgive you for your enormous **** that was offensive then we could all go on with our lives. Also i like how you have it going from top to bottom
#146 to #145 - anon id: a3eee2ad
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
tl dr
User avatar #147 to #146 - avionn
Reply -3 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
User avatar #148 to #147 - flashfire
Reply +7 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
dude... thats some serious ****.
#153 to #148 - anon id: 04035c35
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
literally!!! XD
User avatar #149 to #148 - avionn
Reply -3 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
ya wasnt funny at the time but as i look back i indeed find it hilarius i wish i could save the smell to groww out my friends
User avatar #150 to #149 - flashfire
Reply +2 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
i must now rephrase my comment.
thats some funny ****.
User avatar #151 to #150 - avionn
Reply -3 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
you coud not imagine how much pain i was in to this day if i cant poop easy i get scared
User avatar #152 to #151 - flashfire
Reply +2 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
too true. thats some scary ****.
User avatar #156 to #152 - avionn
Reply -3 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
it hurt to wipe my ass then when the pain was to great i thought you know what **** it i pulled my pants up and thats when i exited i ruined that pair of underwere mostly blood then poop
User avatar #157 to #156 - flashfire
Reply +1 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
painful sounding **** man
#162 to #157 - addf
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
I AM SO SORRY. that had to be embarrasing do u want us to thumbs down some1 who post your story (if it happens) also any1 who goes COMBO breaker is gay
User avatar #168 to #162 - avionn
Reply -3 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
just as long as i get credit im ok with them useing the story
User avatar #174 to #168 - avionn
Reply -3 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
why is my comments being thumbed down?
User avatar #185 to #174 - lokoroko
Reply +1 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
idk im tum,bing up ur comments
#89 - InFuCkInDeEd **User deleted account**
Reply +12 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
Holy ****!! That is one of the funniest ******* things i've ever read!!
wish i could give you 2 thumbs....
#105 to #89 - anon id: a7c304ed
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
Go anon momentaruly and you can :)
User avatar #102 - apocalypse
Reply +11 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2 level hay shed. When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend on the bottom level of the hayshed. He decided he wouldn't disturb them, so he laid down and rested. After a while he heard his son say, "Father, father up above. Give me strength for one last shove." So the father, being smart, replied, "Son, son down below. Get off and give your father a go."
User avatar #118 to #102 - RainbowHorseCrap
Reply +1 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
that my good sir, is

.EPIC..........EPICEPIC..........EPIC..........EPIC..........EPIC.EPI C.....EPIC
..EPIC........EPIC..EPIC........EPIC...........EPIC..........EPIC..EP IC....EPIC
...EPIC......EPIC....EPIC......EPIC ...........EPIC..........EPIC...EPIC....EPIC
....EPIC....EPIC......EPIC....EPIC. . ..........EPIC..........EPIC.....EPIC..EPIC
.....EPIC..EPIC........EPIC..EPIC... ..........EPIC..........EPIC......EPIC.EPIC
......EPICEPIC..........EPICEPIC.... ..........EPIC..........EPIC.......EPICEPIC
User avatar #205 to #118 - apocalypse
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(02/15/2010) [-]
I try man I try
User avatar #27 - lawlzaraptor
Reply +9 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
looks like..
*puts on sunglasses*
Janitor's gonna have a ****** day.
User avatar #26 - theinsd
Reply +4 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
O_o not funny bec ive read this already and its the 5th time its been on here
#30 to #26 - anon id: 1d4a373a
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
if you've seen this on funnyjunk 5 times you have no life and are on this way to much
User avatar #32 to #30 - IEpicWinGuyI
Reply +8 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
you can talk anon, you've comented on this picture over 15 times.
User avatar #39 to #32 - CameronLucas
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
i swear this anon talks too much.
User avatar #178 - Jyhnsyn
Reply +7 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
Wow, talk about a


****** situation.

#75 - anon id: 1efa1f20
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
This was the most epic thread ive ever read. WELL worth the read. c'mon guys lets get this to number one. SOOO ******* EPIC
User avatar #78 to #75 - angrysaget
Reply +7 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
let's just keep it at number 2
User avatar #92 to #78 - braydonbond
Reply 0 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
HA! nice...
User avatar #51 - MrScott
Reply +7 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
thats the funnyest thing ive read all week :L thank you kind **** sir +1 to you
User avatar #23 - JarJarBinks
Reply +7 123456789123345869
(02/14/2010) [-]
Looks like the man with the phone's day
*Puts on glasses*
just got ********

User avatar #17 - ArtsFreak
Reply +6 123456789123345869
(02/13/2010) [-]
I think i misplaced something from laughing so hard... ow...