When you have a fat friend there are no . Only catapults.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that' s 40, 000 pieces. And when you finish it,
it says 'go outside.
My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying "Oh, Steve' s really a
cat person". No he' s not. If Steve were a cat person it' d be, like, "Hey,
Steve never goes in the pool
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said,
I' m sorry, I thought you were someone else." And I said, "l am."
t' s CLEVERNESS
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you' re signing somebody:
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really
depressed because I was like 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.'
I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone
because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'
They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to
reason. I think you could also go by last names. What' s his name?
Patches? Patches what? That' s a dog. Don' t waste my time.
A drunk driver is very dangerous. so is a drunk backseat driver if he' s
persuasive. 'Dude make a left.' Those are trees...’ Trust me.'
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And
that' s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a . And a
crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.