I can’ t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up
next to som eone and not being able to rem em ber their nam e, or how yeu
m , or why they' re dead.
My wife and I took eut life insurance policies on each other - so new it' s just
a waiting gam e.
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy com es ever and
asks "Are yeu reading that?" I didn' t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood
up, turned the page, and sat down again.
They say anim behavior can warn yeu when an earthquake is com ing. Like
the night before that last earthquake hit, eur family dog took the car keys
and drove to Ari: ena.
Jesus and Saint Peter are gelling. St. Peter steps up to the tee en a par
three and hits ene long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next.
He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic en an adjacent street.
lieu rues off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain
gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A
frag mm up and snatches the ball in his m . An eagle sweeps down,
grabs the frag. As the eagle "flies; ever the green, the frag creaks and drops
the ball. It' s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are yeu
genna play golf?" he asks "Dr are yeu just genna fuck area ?"
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he' s
snagged an old bottle. As he' s taking it off the hook, a genie pops eut and
promises to grant him one wish. "Tu m the lake into beer," he says. The
genie gees " Poof!." and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy,
so what do yeu think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we' got to
piss in the beat."
I always look for a wem an who has a tatter. I see a wem an with a tatter,
and I’ m thinking, okay, here' s a gal who' s capable of m aking a decision
she' ll regret in the future.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an way. I invited everyine in my
neighberhood to my heu , we had an enorm eus feast, and then I killed
them and took their land.
A Jewish m an is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle
containing genie. He rubs it and a genie com es t, promises to grant
him ene wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that' s my wish." The
genie looks concerned, then says " No, I' m sorry, that' s just not passible.
Som e things just can' t be changed. Do yeu have anither wish?" The guys
says 'WWII... fer my whole life I' never receieve eral sex frem my wife.
That weild be my wish." The genie pauses for anither m om ent and then
says " How weild yeu define peace?"
A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away en business, and I
em aided my wife that I' d be back a day early. I rushed hem e frem the airport
and feu her in bed with my best friend. I don' t get it. How could she do
this to m e?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn' t see the em aii."