A newlywed ceu pie m eves into their new heu . One day the husband
com es hem e from work and his wife says, " Honey, yeu know, in the
upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The
husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plum ber?" A few days go by, and
he com es hem e from work and his wife says, " Honey, the car won' t
start. I think it needs a new battery. Could yeu change it for m e?" He
says: "What do I look like, Mr. Another few days go by,
and it' s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says,
Honey, there' s a leak en the roof! Can yeu please fix it?" He says, "What
do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband com es hem e, and
the roof is fixed. So is the plum bing. So is the car. He asks his wife what
happened. "Oh, I had a handys an com e in and fix them," she says.
Great! How m uch is that going to cost m e?" he snarls. Wife says:
Nothing. He said he' d do it for free HI either baked him a cake or slept
with him ." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you m ake?" asks the
husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
It' s Gam e 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a m an m akes his way to his
seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to
him is em pty. He leans ever and asks his neighbor if sem eerie will be
sitting there. " No" says the neighbor. "The seat is em pty." "This is
incredible," said the m an. "Who in their right m ind would have a seat
like this fer the Stanley Cup and net use it?" The neighbor says, "Well,
actually, the seat belongs to m e. I was parsed to com e with my
wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley [up we haven' t
been to together since we got m arrite." "Oh, I' m so sorry to hear
that. That' s terrible... But couldn' t yeu find sem eerie else, a friend or
relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The m an shakes his
head. " No," he says. "They' re all at the funeral."
A yeu rig boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
cu stem er, "This is the dum best kid in the world. Watch while I prove it
to yeu.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in
the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do yeu want,
son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell yeu?”
said the barber. "That kid never learns!” Later, when the cu stem er
leaves, he sees the sam e yeu rig boy com ing eut of the ice cream store.
Hey, sen! May I ask yeu a cm estion? Why did yeu take the quarters
instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied,
Because the day I take the dollar, the gam e is over!"
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a m agic lantern containing
a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off
the island and back hem e. The second guy wishes the sam e. The third
guy says "e m Finely. I wish my friends were back here."
thn a passenger "flight, the pilot cem es over the public address system as
usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they' ll
be "flying, the expected arrival tim e, and a bit abaut the weather, and
advises them to relax and have a geed "flight... Then, forgetting to turn
off the m , he says to his compilat, "What would relax m e right
new is a cup of coffee and a ." All the passengers hear it. As a
stewardess m begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the
pilot of his slippe p, one of the passengers stops her and says " Don' t
forget the coffee!"
A guy is sitting at hem e when he hears a knock at the door. He opens
the door and sees a snail en the porch. He picks up the snail and
threas it as far as he can. Three years later, there' s a knock en the
door. He opens it and sees the sam e snail. The snail says "What the
hell was that all Abeu t?"
Two cam pers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear
end by a rattlesnake. "I' ll go into tawn for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a all tawn and finds the town' s only doctor,
who is delivering a baby. ''I can’ t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here' s
what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck eut the
poison and spit it on the grau rid." The guy ruins back to his friend,
who is in agony. 'What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says
you' re genna die.."
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligater. Says to the patrons, " Here' s a
deal. I' ll open this alligater' s m and place my genitals inside. The
gater will close his m for one minute, then open it, and I' ll rem eve
my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys m e drinks." The crowd
agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gater' s
m . Gator closes m . After a minute, the guy grabs a beer
bottle and bangs the gater en the top of its head. The gater opens
wide, and he rem eves his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him
drinks. Then he says: 'Tll pay anyine naoo who' s willing to give it a try.''
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It' s a wem an. 'Tll
give it a try," she says, "but yeu have to promise not to hit m e on the
head with the beer bottle."
A guy m eets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I' got
a special gam e for yeu. I' ll do absolutely anything yeu want for Bee, as
Iing as yeu can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a tim e lays three
bills on the bar, and says, slowly: " Paint... my- heu ."
My grandfather always said, " Don' t watch your m eney; watch your
health." So ene day while I was watching my health, sem eerie stole my
m eney. It was my grandfather.