f For 11 days each summer Calgary goes a bit crazy with The
tampere. Businesses are decorated in Did West themes, and
I bank is no exception. For the occasion we printed up
Wanted Dead or Niue' posters Featuring our manager and
certain deicers and plastered them around the . A
customer walks in, mks at the posters, mks around in alarm
t our bank manager and then sadies up to my line.)
Customer: "Are you alright? I know you can' t talk, but do you
want me to call 911?"
He: "What' s the problem ma' am?"
Customer: "Are they holding you hostage?"
Customer: "Them!" "gestures at my bank manager"
He: Crh, ma' am, they' re not criminals, they' re regular staff.
his is Stampede!"
Customer: “You shouldn' t put up posters like that. It' s like
allirog ‘Fire? in a movie theater!"
u Kon Freeze It
e: "Thank you for calling [Cell Phone Company] customer
service. How can I help you?"
aller: “You sound different. Where are you from?"
e: “Canada. Is there something I can help you with?"
aller: "Canada? How big is the igloo you work in?"
e: "Sir, we don' t live in igloos. In fact, it' s about 40“ here at
aller: "go':' is freezing!"
e: "go':' Celsius. That' s Fahrenheit."
aller: “Ch my god, how do you keep your igloos from
Daddy' s Little Hacker
He: "Thank you for calling [business]. How can I help you?"
Caller: "My girlfriend didn' t get her gift, and I want to know
He: Hooking into order''' "sir, I see that we received an email
from you asking that we cancel the order, so we did."
Caller: “That' s impossible! Why would I do that? What email
address was the email from?"
f. I verify his email address. J
Caller: "Well, that' s the right address, but I didn' t send the
email, you must have done it!"
Me: “I' m sorry sir, but are you saying that I somehow hacked
into your email account?"
Caller: "Well, someone there hacked into my account!"
He: “Does anyone else know your password by any chance'?"
Caller: “No, I never give it out to anyone, that would be
He: "At this point, I' m not sure how else to look into this. If
you' re sure no one else has your password, let me get
someone in our loss prevention department involved. They me
know more. I' ll call you back when I have more information."
f. I explain this all to someone in iiss prevention and she caius
him back. Later, she teirs me what she found out. J
Loss Prevention: "Turns out his daughter canceled the order
because she doesn' t like dad' s new girlfriend."
Read Her Lips
f. I am scanning a customer' s order when I notice she is buying
a that is also being given away with a magazine J.
He: "Miss, if you' d like to buy [magazine] for . 20, you get
this exact free inside."
Customer: "But I don' t want the magazine. Ijust want the
Me: “I understand, but even if you give the magazine away,
you still get the for . 20 and save . 80."
Customer: "Do I look like a charity? I' m not going to give
away a magazine. Haven' t you heard of saving money?“
He: "Well yes, what I' m saying is you can save money by
buying the magazine-"
Customer: "stop trying to rip me off and scan my !"
f I ring up her for and she storms off. The next
customer puts the same magazine on the counter. J
Next Customer: “I don' t want it either, but I have half a
r_' forbid Curiosity Killed The Cat
f. I answer a crisis hot line for suicide, depression, drugs, any
sort of thing they want to taik about. J
Me: “Name of Crisis Line]. My name is [name]. Do you feel
comfortable sharing your first name?"
Carter:" I.‘! o people really ever call this line?"
Me: "Yes, they certainly do. What' s on your mind today?"
Caller: "Well that' s stupid. Do you just listen to depressed
people all day?"
Me: “I listen to whatever is on their mind. That' s what we' re
Caller: “You should just tell them to off themselves."
He: "sir, if you would like to speak to an operator, I' m right
here. If you are prank calling us, that is a misdemeanor and we
Caller: obviously faking it"'' “Cch... well you see ...my... um...
A Crude Assumption That Needs Refining
Customer: “I need oil for my car. I need the ."
lele: “I' m sorry, we' re out of that."
Customer: "Well, go get some more."
Me: “I can' t just do that. I could order some for you, and it
will be here in a couple of days."
Customer: “No! Just go back there!" 'points to the storage
room"‘ "Get some from the tap."
Customer: “I know that every gas station is connected to
the oil rigs in the North Sea!"
Bumming Around cm The Job
I work in a highland grocery store that has a department of
employees socery dedicated to pushing shopping carts. J
Customer: "Excuse me, what' s [department name)?"
Me: "res a department where we push shopping carts, assist
customers, and maintain the parking lot."
Customer: "Yes, but are you an employee at [store]?"
He: "Yes, I' m an employee."
Customer: "As in, do they pay you?"
He: "Yes, this is my job."
Customer: "Go, you' re not homeless?"
Can' t Take The Heat Of A Melting Pot
Coworker: "Hello sir, are you looking for something?"
Customer: “I refuse to be helped by you. You' re Chinese.
You' re another one of these darn immigrants stealing the
honest Canadian' s jobs!"
Coworker: "Well, my grandmother is from Japan, but I assure
you I was born in the province of Quebec."
Customer: "Lies, lies and lies 'spots me“ "Finally, a prime
example of our good Canadian youth. Young sir, can you help
He: "in my New Brunswick accent, "Sure I can. What are yo
Customer: "What kind of accent is this? Are you German? Or
Russian? Get me the manager! I don' t understand how a sane
person could hire these instead of a hard working Canadian!"
He: grabbing the phone' "Calling Maria to front desk."
Customer: "Mariel? That' s Latino!"