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It was a dark and cold evening in the shadowy alleyways of Upstate New York. As I walk walked with Dorito cheese flavoured palms tucked securely in my trench coat, and my fedora tilted at a perfect 45 degree angle, a flashing neon sign shone through darkness and caught my eye. With THC pumping through my veins as the result of a recently smoked blunt, my bloodshot retinas focused on the words "Private Detective: Cornelius Dedge" and underneath was a small caption, "No 4channers aloud!". A logo of a cartoon fedora flashed, and I knew I'd found my man. My clammy hand rose to open the front door into the detective's shop until suddenly I felt a blunt object make contact with my back, and a sharp pain was felt in the area. "Who goes there!" I yell spinning around with my fists held high in a 'Crouching Diablo III, Hidden Reaper of Souls' stance. What I saw before me was intimidating, but not beyond my capabilities. Three burly young men stared back at me, hoods donned and metal pipes raised. "Give us yer' money punk!" Two of them yelled simultaneously in anime fashion. "I would be wary if I were you!" I replied with confidence, "I am a master at many different forms of video game inspired martial arts, and I can assure you gentlemen, those pipes are no match for my fists."
Just as we were about to scuffle, a shadow dropped down from the roof above me and struck two of the men I was about to eliminate. In quick response, I took out the final adversary with a 'Strike of the Alliance's Valor' which dispatched him immediately. Truly impressed with this gentlemen's skills, I watched as he stepped into the dim light of a nearby street lamp. "Who might you be?" I asked, rain dripping down the sides of my fedora and onto my coat.
"Who am I? Why I'm Cornelius Dedge."
After introducing himself, he guided me into his office where we discussed our plans to destroy m00t and his 4chan army. Though before we eliminate the 4chan overlord himself, we need to get some information of the guy, and that's where my good friend Cornelius comes into play.
Now is the moment we get our flawless revenge, and with this dashingly handsome and well dressed euphoric gentlemen, we have the key to our victory.
May the gods have mercy on us, and propel us to victory.
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