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Views: 1972 Submitted: 11/06/2012
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asd
#11 - xgrandmoffx
+4 123456789123345869
(11/06/2012) [-]
mfw if this is the introductory chapter
User avatar #12 to #11 - djlonthree [OP]
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(11/06/2012) [-]
this is the first paragraph of chapter one
#7 - wowewowe
+1 123456789123345869
(11/06/2012) [-]
Please put a teeny weeny amount of effort into this. It has numerous grammar mistakes and leaves the reader in question of his faith in the human race.

Is this a trollfic?

Pic related, I wrote the white sheet in 30 minutes without spellcheck. Although far from perfect, it shows how far you can get if you sit down for a short amount of time and write your mind out.
#8 to #7 - wowewowe
+1 123456789123345869
(11/06/2012) [-]
also, you said you had a teacher of yours.

What grade are you in? Cause your writing is pretty bad
User avatar #9 to #8 - djlonthree [OP]
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(11/06/2012) [-]
10th sorry for the grammar i never really learned to wright a story, feel free to tell me what to change in the story(grammar only)
#13 to #9 - wowewowe
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(11/07/2012) [-]
plot's pretty good, but as with any story, the quality of the plot doesn't matter at all!!!

It's all in the execution and the presentation to the audience. Take To Kill a Mockingbird or Lord of the Flies, for example. The plot sucks! Yet you're still forced to read them sometime in high school because they're considered "classics".

Now, I hate both stories as they are wayy too puffy-fluffy for my desires. I like good and cold literature, not some lifeless substance coated with sugar to make it look professional.

Don't write a story like this. It destroys your sense of good writing and society's as well.

You should write puffy-fluffy in English class, though, because most teachers believe that the ability to do so means that you have a higher-level of writing.

"Although its solutions were cumbersome and considerably esoteric at first, as Father Time further strolled leisurely into the distance, unaware of his beneficial but considerably fatal trading of man and mind, studies of discourse made this previously perplexing subject a practical and rather effective art, producing modern day languages and grammar as byproducts." - one sentence from one of my HS essays (subject : how were language and grammar formed?)

Now while this sentence flows smoothly and goes very well with your tongue (two traits that are VERY important), it has very little sustenance. It would be painful to read a paper, let alone a story, with this kind of style. DON'T write like this.

A GOOD (many FIMfics are poor quality) story is this, based off the Rainbow Factory (which I thought was very poorly written):

http://www.fimfic_____ You need to login to view this link _en (delete the underscores)

Note that it is very moving and gives the reader a "feel".

I reread it three times because I loved it so much. I also noticed after rereading several huge plot holes, but that doesn't matter because of the emotional value and amount of psychological coverage present in the story.
User avatar #16 to #13 - xgrandmoffx
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(11/07/2012) [-]
this
#14 to #13 - wowewowe
+1 123456789123345869
(11/07/2012) [-]
Another shorter story is this:

http://www.fimf_____ You need to login to view this link _ry/39347/1/The-Mare-at-the-End-of-the-World/

(delete underscores)

Notice how certain word orders are used to bring a feeling of regret. or loneliness or mystery.

spoiler: the ending ruins the whole thing! it had so much potential
User avatar #17 to #13 - djlonthree [OP]
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(11/07/2012) [-]
“I now pronounce you man and wife.” Celesta’s words booming across the stone walls of the church. Shining armor’s heart had never beaten so fast in his life; he leaned forward to kiss Cadence. “BOOM” the sound shook the building, shining swung his head toward the noise falling from the ceiling with pounds of ruble were 2 figures. One was a skeleton looking thing with a cape on and the other looked to be a pegasus wearing an orange hoody Shining soon lost sight of them under the ruble. Once the dust settled the pony was standing on the others chest then shining realized that it was not a pony but a... a DRAGON!!!!!! Some pony screamed and shining took a side step, putting himself between the dragon and his new wife.

is this better?
User avatar #18 - apocalypticburrito
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(11/07/2012) [-]
Seems pretty good
i ****** love dragons
#5 - mrgreatnames **User deleted account**
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has deleted their comment [-]
#3 - killerjhtwo
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(11/06/2012) [-]
I'd say this story is worth....... two rubles!!
User avatar #1 - redstain
+1 123456789123345869
(11/06/2012) [-]
I would suggest an editor/ proofreader. They would help point out and fix all the little mistakes.
User avatar #4 to #1 - djlonthree [OP]
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(11/06/2012) [-]
im going to have a teacher of mine look at it before i post it completely
User avatar #6 to #4 - redstain
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(11/06/2012) [-]
Get somebody in the fandom. A teacher might not know what the hell you're writing about.
User avatar #10 to #6 - djlonthree [OP]
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(11/06/2012) [-]
he is a brony so i think he will have a clue
User avatar #19 - silasersej
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(11/09/2012) [-]
Good, but you'll have to work on the English ;)