Two Sentence Stories #22

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Two Sentence Stories #22. Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I'm actually pretty thankful for the community that is FunnyJunk and how much you all have

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I'm actually pretty thankful for the community that is FunnyJunk and how much you all have helped me improve over the last few months. To that end I have like 2 things to say:
1 - I'll be doing two comp posts a week in December one of which will be a brand new often requested media and the other will be more two sentence stories. If it's popular I'll keep them up into next year.
2 - December's contest is live: www.btschweitzer.com/contests/contestdecember2015/. Submission deadline is 12/18.
Happy Holidays!

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+50 Thumbs to Feel Motivated About Myself or -25 I just worked a night shift on Black Friday, isn't that suffering enough?

Previous Comps:
Some Two Sentence Stories (#1) - /channel/morbid-channel/Some+two+sentenc e+stories/XtecLKg/
More Two Sentence Stories (#2) -/channel/morbid-channel/More+two+senten ce+stories/funny-pictures/5625063/
Two Sentence Stories #3 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+3/dzpcLqm/
Two Sentence Stories - One Month! (Bonus Comp) - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+one+month/pmTdLcz/
Two Sentence Stories #4 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+4/GnTdLTa/
Two Sentence Stories #5 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+5/anTdLna/
Two Sentence Stories #6 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+6/bnTdLoa/
Two Sentence Stories #7 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+7/BogdLOb/
Two Sentence Stories #8 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto r ies+8/wqjdLjd/
Two Sentence Stories #9 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+9/plrdLcy/
Two Sentence Stories - 100 Supporters! (Bonus Comp) - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+100+supporters/ovtdLbi/
Two Sentence Stories #10 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+10/xvtdLki/
Two Sentence Stories #11 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+11/foBeLsb/
Two Sentence Stories #12 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+12/kgNeLxt/
Two Sentence Stories #13 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+13/ugNeLht/
Two Sentence Stories #14 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentece+stor ies+14/cLaeLpY/
Two Sentence Stories #15 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+15/eLaeLrY/
Two Sentence Stories #16 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+16/lTceLyG/
Two Sentence Stories #17 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+17/zlgeLmy/
Two Sentence Stories #18 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+18/MmgeLZz/
Two Sentence Stories #19 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+19/sYqeLfL/
Two Sentence Stories Halloween Part 1 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+halloween+part+1/wYqeLjL/
Two Sentence Stories Halloween Part 2 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+halloween+part+2/zYqeLmL/
Two Sentence Stories #20 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+20/knDfLxa/
Two Sentence Stories #21 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+21/onDfLba/
Two Sentence Stories #22 - This one!
Two Sentence Stories #23 - 12/04

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Views:	10775
Favorited:	5
Submitted:	11/27/2015

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#1 - anon (11/27/2015) [-]

"Each picture he saw was of little interest to him. It was because he was dead."

That's how these are sounding now. And that's at their best.

You should find new content.

#2 - lmOldGreg (11/28/2015) [-]

Jon stood in line knowing nothing

#4 to #2 - btschweitzer [OP](11/28/2015) [-]

FINALLY someone got it. Even if he isn't like forever dead.

#5 - remsaman ONLINE (11/28/2015) [-]

can we have less stories about dead/dying people?
starting to get Macbeth up in this.

#6 to #5 - btschweitzer [OP](11/28/2015) [-]

Hamlet is the far superior, and quantitatively more fatal, play. Just saying.
And I'd happily write things that aren't all death and as part of my Christmas event I won't be writing so much death per se but usually grievous bodily harm or just non-horror stories don't seem to do as well.

#3 - couriernine ONLINE (11/28/2015) [-]

The first one was decent, but the rest kinda sucked.

#7 to #3 - btschweitzer [OP](11/28/2015) [-]

Why would you say the others were not as good?

#8 to #7 - couriernine ONLINE (11/28/2015) [-]

>>#1, Just about hit the nail on the head. The first one was good because it blindsided me in a good way, while the others didn't. I know that's not helpful, so I'll try to explain.

The first one started off like anything normal, and then smacked me in the face with something that is actually possible and believable. The second one just felt like the drivers were in some suicide pact. While technically plausible, it felt inorganic and forced. It felt like the characters were just driving into a brick wall for the sake of driving into a brick wall.

In the first story, we're given a glimpse into the mind of a dying man, but we don't know that until the end. In the second story, we're just spectators watching as morons plow into a wall.

The third story was better than the second, it had a more organic and natural feel to it, as if we the readers were actually there. I felt the Lovecraft vibe mixed with a hint of Machiavellian seeming narrator. However, it also fell flat because of that same thing. I personally feel that a two sentence story is too short to fit something like that into.

The fourth story was similar to the second in that we don't really feel any connection to the character. It just seems we're along for the ride. I feel like this one had great potential, but it fell short because of the flat out statement of: "Because he was in hell!"

The fifth story wasn't bad, but it feels as though it's a section of something larger. There's too much exposition for the length you've chosen, making it feel as though it lacks lustre. If this one had been even a few sentences longer, it could've been great.

Overall, the best ones came where you let the readers' imaginations roam free within the framework of what you've written, the stories where you don't state explicit fact, but rather make implications for us to draw our own conclusions from.

I hope I've helped you, and please don't feel discouraged by me. If anything, feel the opposite, because you've done well for the length you've chosen. I know I couldn't dream of pulling off something like this, so to see you doing it is great.

#9 to #8 - btschweitzer [OP](11/30/2015) [-]

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you in the post holiday madness I worked black friday and that really IS the appropriate word, trust me but I really wanted to make the time to respond to this comment. If it's the same I'll respond in full via PM but I did want to say I actually welcome and encourage all constructive criticism because I know I am still perfecting my craft and have space to improve.