Two Sentence Stories #12

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Two Sentence Stories #12. Here's comp #12. I'm happy to announce that I have some big plans for the month of October including two comps per week on Wednesday a

Here's comp #12. I'm happy to announce that I have some big plans for the month of October including two comps per week on Wednesday and Friday starting next week. I'm also hosting a writing contest. Here's the link: www.btschweitzer.com/contests/contestoctober2015/. Still no news from the magazines I've entered but not all hope is lost yet. As always I'm open to feedback and suggestions how to improve my writing.

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+50 Thumbs to Keep Posting My Work or -25 to Cease and Desist Assaulting Your Perception Orbs with my Fiction

Previous Comps:
Some Two Sentence Stories (#1) - /channel/morbid-channel/Some+two+sentenc e+stories/XtecLKg/
More Two Sentence Stories (#2) -/channel/morbid-channel/More+two+senten ce+stories/funny-pictures/5625063/
Two Sentence Stories #3 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+3/dzpcLqm/
Two Sentence Stories - One Month! (Bonus Comp) - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+one+month/pmTdLcz/
Two Sentence Stories #4 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+4/GnTdLTa/
Two Sentence Stories #5 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+5/anTdLna/
Two Sentence Stories #6 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+6/bnTdLoa/
Two Sentence Stories #7 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+7/BogdLOb/
Two Sentence Stories #8 - channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+stor ies+8/wqjdLjd/
Two Sentence Stories #9 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+9/plrdLcy/
Two Sentence Stories - 100 Supporters! (Bonus Comp) - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+100+supporters/ovtdLbi/
Two Sentence Stories #10 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+10/xvtdLki/
Two Sentence Stories #11 - /channel/morbid-channel/Two+sentence+sto ries+11/foBeLsb/
Two Sentence Stories #12 - This one!
Two Sentence Stories #13 - Will be released on Wednesday 10/07

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Views:	24134
Favorited:	39
Submitted:	10/02/2015

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+81

#3 - crispykingpin (10/02/2015) [-]

+53

#9 - YllekNayr ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

Some are a little wordy.
Simpler can be better.
Right now you're stretching sentences to make it fit into only 2.

Your ideas are good, just work a bit on the phrasing.

#11 to #9 - btschweitzer [OP](10/03/2015) [-]

Fair enough. I'm always open to suggestions. How I can best trim the fat?

#13 to #11 - YllekNayr ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

I'm not great at expressing myself in short sentences, but leave out extraneous details.

"Gypsy" works better than "half blind pagan woman" for example, since those details aren't relevant to the reveal.

As far as the story as a whole, I'll do my best to take a story and abbreviate it.

Nobody understands why I play such loud music. Many cultures believe that certain instruments like bells and drums or even certain arrangements of notes could drive away evil - sort of like an acoustic exorcism - and even if it can't I can use it to try and drown out what they say.

"Some people believe that music can help to ward off evil spirits. I don't know if it's true, but so far it's helped me drown out the whispers I hear in the dead of night."

The more you need to use commas to break thoughts up, the less impact the reveal will have. The shocking point should be simple to understand or something short that twists the prior sentence's meaning.
But I'm not a writer. These are just my thoughts, since you asked.

#25 to #13 - boomerpyro (10/03/2015) [-]

>>#11, both of you are doing some unholy gods work

#59 to #25 - btschweitzer [OP](10/04/2015) [-]

Naturally. Otherwise where would the fun be?

#58 to #13 - btschweitzer [OP](10/04/2015) [-]

Anyone can be a writer. Hell i'm barely one. I chose not to use Gypsy because it is insulting to the Romani people and because I would place most of my microfiction in Nowheresville, U.S.A.

As for your draft it works but it also sounds very similar to some other stuff I've released and the "in the dead of night" part is a bit cheesy. I know that one in particular was long winded and I'll probably shorten it a fair bit on my site. But your effort wasn't half bad. Don't sell yourself short on the writing thing.

#71 to #58 - YllekNayr ONLINE (10/05/2015) [-]

I know anyone CAN be, but I'm not. I haven't put in the time or effort, so I don't call myself one.
I don't see how it would be more insulting to gypsies than pagans. Use whatever fringe group you want, as long as it's not unnecessarily detailed.
And yeah, the specific descriptors I gave can use work. I don't expect they're good enough for a final draft, but I take it you got the point I was making.

#24 to #13 - boomerpyro has deleted their comment [-]

+23

#17 - jarkinmopsin (10/03/2015) [-]

I like the orginal TSS better. They were short, simple, feely and... spooky as **** .

#20 to #17 - danmegaflakes (10/03/2015) [-]

why is this giving me feels?

#28 to #20 - drewjitsu (10/03/2015) [-]

Just do what I do and don't feel. Then it wont give you anything.

#6 - nudybooty (10/03/2015) [-]

Added dashes and just taking away the periods to make run on sentences shouldn't count as 2 sentence stories. Why not just make them three sentence stories?

#10 to #6 - btschweitzer [OP](10/03/2015) [-]

You aren't the first person who has brought this up. I'll level with you - I'm just awful at grammar and there isn't an existing market for three sentence stories the way there is for two. I'd be willing to take feedback on how to trim these down into two if it would improve my craft but truthfully I've never considered hyphens cheating.

#36 to #10 - adu (10/03/2015) [-]

Here's an example I just thought up:

It wasn't the first time she had to drag a body down to the morgue. However, it was the first time she had to do it twice.

#60 to #36 - btschweitzer [OP](10/04/2015) [-]

Hey if you haven't already consider entering my contest.

#45 to #10 - nudybooty (10/03/2015) [-]

Go with Adu if he's willing to help. My grammar and spelling is **** .

#35 to #10 - adu (10/03/2015) [-]

I've taken several classes on the topic and consider myself quite adept at creative writing. You can always run something by me if you want an opinion.

#61 to #35 - btschweitzer [OP](10/04/2015) [-]

Shoot me a message if you'd like to chat. I'm always looking for new editors.

#8 - yodaiam ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

Whose neck? What is going on here?

#12 to #8 - btschweitzer [OP](10/03/2015) [-]

You guys asked for subtly lol. It can be read in two ways on purpose. Both aren't good.

#21 to #12 - angelious ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

i cant read it any way...
did the boy bite him?
were they attacked by supersonic ninjas?
does the kind stranger have a condition that causes hot blood to jettison from his neck?

#37 to #21 - edgecutter ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

I'm assuming it's a wolf bite.

#38 to #37 - angelious ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

so,...the boy was a ..wolf?

#39 to #38 - edgecutter ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

More like a wolf attacked the adult by surprise, and the adult threw the boy away to make sure he's at a safe distance from the wolf attack.
I mean, it makes sense to me, since it's set in a forest and all.

#40 to #39 - angelious ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

seems a bit stretching it.,..also story telling wise it makes no sense...the child would have noticed or said something about the wolf if it was a wolf attack...

#42 to #40 - edgecutter ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

Welp, for starters, I'm not a writer or a literary appreciator or whatever terms you wish to apply to these things. So I don't know **** about what makes sense "story telling wise".

Secondly, these "2 sentence stories" ordeals are ambiguous on purpose. You can imagine just about anything you want from it.

Thirdly, if you're thrown away roughly, you will not have time to process what just happened. Most likely, you wouldn't see any details apart from the blood spewing from the man's neck. If you've ever been hit by a car while on a bike, then it's that kind of feeling.

Fourthly, saying that it's "stretching it" is relative to each individual's experience.
Some people immediately link "the woods" to "wolves" and some don't.

Fifthly, now that I look at it again, you could think of it as a "pedophile" story where "comfort" is a euphemism for the kiddy fiddling, and the blood spewing out of his neck is a result of the kid defending himself by biting in the man's neck.

Sixthly, I probably have an over-active imagination.

This is the deal with almost all forms of modern art. You're supposed to think and draw your own conclusions from it, if I were to believe my arts and language teachers from back in High School.

#50 to #42 - angelious ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

no actually the boy wolf theory takes two more leaps than the pedophile version...

#49 to #42 - angelious ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

firstly: you can call it common sense.

secondly: they are supposed to be short, and usually leave with a creepy/uncanny remark at the end. not leave it ambiguous as what happened (for instance i always wondered why the cat looked at me everytime i went to sleep,then i noticed the cat is actually looking past me" story. its vague, but you can get the creepy/uncanny stuff out of it. it doesnt take any leaps of logic nor any skillfull deductive work to figure out what the story is about)

thirdly:as someone who has actually been in a motorcycle crash, you do notice what is going to happen, it wont take you long to notice what is happening. in here, the only info given is that the mans neck is spewing blood. the wolf(or car, in your metaphor) just dissapears from the story.

fourthly: that is stretching it. a lot of animals live in the woods. connecting it to just one animal and saying it must be this because they are linked is way too vague of a connection. it could very well be that they were attacked by an angry squirrel.

fifth: that is better deduction i admit. a bit shoddy for a two sentence story. but it could be the answer.

lastly: the boy being the wolf himself could also be somewhat good answer..it calls for the same sort of leap of deduction as the pedophile theory...

sixthly: about average i would claim

writing isnt really that kind of an art form. sure you can do your own deductions and make of it as you will. but in terms of writing its usually something along side: the boy represents humanity and the man represents god who is attacked by yadiyadiya. that sort of thing. when a writer writes a character or something happening, you are supposed to be able to imagine what is going on. not vaguely guess what the writer meant.

#51 to #49 - edgecutter ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

Eh, I was hit by a car while on a bike. At least in my experience, in the split second of being hit, I didn't know entirely what was going on, as in, I couldn't make out the details of the crash, like the car colour, etc. Only when landing on the ground and assessing the situation for another half second do things become clear.

Also, yeah, I suppose you're right.
Analyzing stories isn't exactly a hobby of mine, so I'm sailing in strange waters here.

#53 to #51 - angelious ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

oh also: i read a lot of books and comics. so analyzing stories is pretty much what i do most of the time..

#52 to #51 - angelious ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

90 km/h head on motorcycle crash for me.

i think i might have blacked out for like..a moment...im not exactly sure how long. but the first things that popped to my mind when i woke up were "i gotto get up and hide the evidence that my bike is modified." and that "my pops is going to kill me" i cant really recall if i ever had any question of what happened in the situation.

and being thrown is nowhere near as disorientating as being hit by a car or a head on crash with a motorcycle.

#54 to #52 - edgecutter ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

I suppose.
I was only hit by a 50 km/h minivan when I was a kid on my bicycle.
So, not entirely the same thing.

#55 to #54 - angelious ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

speaking of which: you are the first person ever to make me actually notice that i blacked out after the crash...kinda odd...

#56 to #55 - edgecutter ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

Yeah, it's those split second things that you only notice after the events.
Like, I once got overconfident on a skiing trip, took one of the hardest skiing routes then (bumps everywhere), lost control and went straight down.
Apparently, I did several front flips.
Only thing I really remember is falling down, and then suddenly being at the end of the skiing lane.

Or pulling my dumbass mate out of harm's way when he was playing for some reason at the edge of a 10 meter high waterfall. Only thing I remember was slipping and maybe a lil falling, and then being at the bottom of it.

Or getting attacked by rabid jungle dogs when herding the cows out for grazing. South East Asia is fun like that. It's also probably why I made the "wolf" connection in the story.

Seem to lose all sense of detail in those "shock" moments.

Though I think your case is more of a genuine blackout rather than losing sense of detail.

#57 to #56 - angelious ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

nah. i do actually remember the crash, vaguely(its been nearly 10 years now)

i flew over the steering wheel, tumbled over my left side, bounced up,hit me head on the ground,landed on my rightside,and rolled like once.

after that there is a blank..dont know for how long, but i woke up to one of my classmates saying he is calling an ambulance. and then the rest is history.

never had to go through an animal attack myself.thank god for that i suppose..i did end up shooting myself once, and setting myself on fire afterwards...those were fun times.

#62 to #57 - btschweitzer [OP](10/04/2015) [-]

BEST. THREAD. EVER.

ALSO the kid bit the man's neck.

#67 to #62 - angelious ONLINE (10/04/2015) [-]

see i told edgecutter it was the kid. but was the kid a wolf?

#72 to #67 - edgecutter ONLINE (10/05/2015) [-]

Thank god I didn't bet money on this.

#70 to #67 - btschweitzer [OP](10/04/2015) [-]

I believe the term you mean is furkind

#41 to #8 - YllekNayr ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

the child bit the helpful man's neck
angelious
edgecutter

It took me a couple reads to understand, but I'm pretty sure that's what it is.

#43 to #41 - yodaiam ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

That's what I thought but it didnt really make sense to me. But that is the most logical explanation.

#46 to #41 - edgecutter ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

>>#42

Could easily be a "EVERYONE IS RIGHT, YOU'RE ALL MEDIOCRE WINNERS" type of thing going on.

Then again, what do I know? I chose not to study arts and literature.

#48 to #46 - YllekNayr ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

Occam's Razor is good for a lot of things.
Try not to over-analyze.

#22 - Jeff C (10/03/2015) [-]

I'll give it like a 4/10, pretty garbage this time around man.

#15 - KievLeviathan (10/03/2015) [-]

honestly you could do better. Some of these are ****

#32 - ryuggu ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

Can someone explain the 1st please. dark jokexplain

#44 to #32 - YllekNayr ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

woman murders people and hides their bones in a trunk, which she then sells to people

#2 - anon (10/02/2015) [-]

boo. as always

#18 - captnnorway (10/03/2015) [-]

Anyone still got the set of these? Only saved this one, but there were quite a few of em.

#63 to #18 - btschweitzer [OP](10/04/2015) [-]

Google Two sentence Stories from Buzzfeed. They have the cherrypicked ones from Reddit where this all started.

#47 - failtolawl ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

I had a pretty ****** night terror last night. It was a weird mix between a dream where I went into a fake scary place, then I 'woke' up and had the god damn black monkey hooded things with white eyes staring at me from around my room. There is a point where I get really ******* pissed off, not even scared, just angry.

#34 - anon (10/03/2015) [-]

but you shouldnt start a sentence with but

#33 - beastkenten

ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

#65 to #33 - btschweitzer [OP](10/04/2015) [-]

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knock_ (short_story)

#31 - anon (10/03/2015) [-]

You're sat alone in a dark room, "Hello?"
"Hello"

#64 to #31 - btschweitzer [OP](10/04/2015) [-]

That is actually pretty good. Consider entering my contest.

#30 - topperharly (10/03/2015) [-]

After the last war humanity ever had the last person sit down in his chair, untill something knocked at the door.

#69 to #30 - btschweitzer [OP](10/04/2015) [-]

Look at my comment in #65

#73 to #69 - topperharly (10/05/2015) [-]

i didnt saw that

#19 - tarabostes ONLINE (10/03/2015) [-]

Nice

#16 - babyweewee (10/03/2015) [-]

**babyweewee used "*roll picture*"**
**babyweewee rolled image** These are a bit hit and miss sometimes; but they are really thought provoking!

Keep 'em coming you filthy animal... please

#66 to #16 - btschweitzer [OP](10/04/2015) [-]

I plan to for a long time. Sorry that they are bit hit and miss. Any suggestions how to even out their quality?

#14 - faithrider (10/03/2015) [-]

#68 to #14 - btschweitzer [OP](10/04/2015) [-]

Hey I need a good editor and as long as the feedback is more constructive than these are **** stop writing hurr durr I'm pretty open to it.

#74 to #68 - faithrider (10/05/2015) [-]

i barely have enough time between work and school to write and edit my own book, man. here is what i saw though just for future reference. Changing sentence structure for the sake of making a 2 sentence story makes one sentence too short and the other a run on. part of what makes a 2 sentence story effective is the rhythm you read/say it with so flow and word choice are important to keep a natural feeling flow to the sentences. when in doubt use a thesaurus. using the same word over and over get boring. this is also a great way to make the story flow or to keep a rhythm. it will help you find words that fit what you are trying say that might also fit the tone of the stpry, or even just the tone of that scene better.

#5 - sneakyseahorse (10/03/2015) [-]

I've been following these since you first started and they just keep getting better. Thanks for the spooks OP.

#7 to #5 - btschweitzer [OP](10/03/2015) [-]

Glad you think so! I'm enjoying writing them more too. A lot from this month are newer works so hopefully they'll show some improvement. If there is anything you think I could be doing better or would like to see I'm all ears.