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What do you think? Give us your opinion. Anonymous comments allowed.
#7 - stallwallwriter (11/05/2012) [-]
Great first story! It's nice to have some fresh blood - haha - on morbid channel. Two things, though:
1) As others have mentioned, the font is too small
2) The story arch gets to me. The start - "I'm too scared to move", and a part near the middle "this is where it gets freaky" suggest that this story is all retrospective, and that he's remembering it *afterwards* while being too terrified to move. That's fine, but when is he remembering/telling us this? The story ends at a climax, and I don't think he would be doing a flashback just as his gf is revealed. The story would flow better either if that opening statement were removed, or if we learned where in time the narrator is in respect to the story he's telling.
Sorry to be so long-winded, it's just kind of a tricky thing to explain. Good story, hope to see more of your stuff :)
User avatar #8 to #7 - damphyr (11/08/2012) [-]
Thanks for the feedback.
In regards to the font, I had trouble making the document in Paint so I had to use Adobe Indesign, which made the font true to size.
Other than the twist at the end, it was actually a series of dreams I had one night but I wanted the storyteller to maybe seem like he was telling it AS it happened, I guess that didnt come across so well.
I have actually been thinking about making another story, based off a rather terrifying dream I had when I was 12. Anyway thanks for the notes.
User avatar #9 to #8 - stallwallwriter (11/08/2012) [-]
Well, if you do wind up writing that other story, I'd love to read it. Good luck!
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