#CHILDRENSCRUSADE2016

SECOND CHILDREN’S CRUSADE
December 12, 2016

The Children’s Crusade was a Crusade by adolescent European Christians to expel Saracens from the Holy Land that took place in 1212. A boy began preaching in central Europe claiming that Jesus had told him to lead a Crusade to peacefully convert Saracens into Christianity. Through a series of supposed portents and miracles he accumulated a large force, estimated at 30,000 children. He marched his followers into Italy, believing that the sea would slit in two when they arrived, so that him and his followers could march directly to Jerusalem, but this did not happen. Two merchants, Hugh the Iron and William of Posqueres, gave free passage on boats to the children, but the merchants had actually either taken them to Tunisia and sold them as slaves to Barbarossa slavers, or they died in a shipwreck.

Now, on they 805rd anniversary of the ill-fated Crusade, a second one has been organized. This Second Children’s Crusade plans to fly thousands of armed children into Syria, to continue the legacy of peacefully converting Saracens into Christianity. Only instead of peacefully converting it will be violently converting, instead of Saracens it will be ISIS, and instead of converting them into Christians they will be converting them into dead people. They will be sent to fight ISIS.

This has stirred a large controversy over age rights. One camp claims that it is a injustice to children to fight and die in an adult’s war against ISIS. The other camp claims that it is an injustice to children to deny them the right to build character by fighting on Crusade.

Pope Francis has expressed his distaste for this event, and by “distaste” we mean he started crying. Meanwhile, the Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople Bartholomew I, was overjoyed at the news.

The Crusade will officially begin on December the 12th, 2016, in honor of the First Children’s Crusade. The Children will board many Lockheed C-130 Hercules planes, and will be flown into Syria where they will parachute unto many tactical positions and immediately begin their Blitzkrieg. Experts say “There is very little chance of them being sold as slaves this time, we’re pretty sure. It will probably go down better then the first Children’s Crusade did.”