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Just Wonderin'

 
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Submitted: 05/06/2013
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#1 - erewhileland (05/06/2013) [-]
I was a selfish, violent child. I'd frequently abuse my older brother. he was a sweet, gentle child, and I had complete power over him. I would capture bugs and tear them apart, pulling off their wings and legs. The weirdest thing I would do as a child was when I would try and get a reaction out of people. I was fascinated with how people dealt with shocking news, so I'd go up to random people and state: My Mom just died, or something equally shocking and see how they reacted.
Considering my undeniably high intelligence, I have always manipulated people. I've torn friendships apart, stolen things and have broken people pretty badly. I don't really want to go into other deeds I've done, certainly not over the internet, but I admit I use people, lying, and stealing to get what I want.
I sometimes get urges and ********* to cut, maim, or beat people, especially when I'm irritated or tired. The strongest urge I've ever gotten was at a dinner party, and it's not like I leapt off my chair and started stabbing people with dessert spoons, but I must say, i really, really wanted to. The bloodlust is always there, and I frantically want to hurt people, and make them bleed. In every fight I've ever been in I always remember this sense of adrenaline, and an urge to spill blood. I've taken to watching surgeries online to see cuts being made, but it's really not the same.

As much as I don't care about how I stand socially, I'm pretty good at pretending. The best thing in the world is probably information about people. I strive for figuring out people and knowing what makes their minds tick. I'll obsessively watch and follow people, pretending to be their friends and making them comfortable with me so I can figure them out. Once I've "solves their minds" I usually get bored and move onto someone else. Everything I do is to get more information, which is why I've taken a lot of energy to become everyone's best friend: You never know who might be interesting. Even so, it's also the thrill of the game that interests me. Asking blunt or vague questions, being direct or subtle. Too hard and they back away, too soft and you don't go anywhere. It fascinated me that everyone is different, so it makes people's minds all the more interesting. But... as much as I love it, there's a toll it takes. I'll go to extreme measures and risks to support people emotionally that I'll be on the brink of emotional collapse.
My emotions are different that others, though. Sometimes, I'm interested in how they work, while sometimes I'm just annoyed with them. Emotional attachment, I understand, but only if that person is useful to you. If you're attached for no other reason but love, or something else stupid like that, it just confuses me. Anger, aggression, passion, boredom, and interest are emotions I completely understand, but things like sadness, happiness, or unconditional love are alien. I feel no remorse when i do something society deemed wrong, and lying only gives me a sense of power. It took a man to fall in love with me, and for me to completely throw him away at his weakest moment, simply because I had figured him out for me to realize I was a horrible person. I just simply am.
I'm not scared of being different, or even sociopathic, but sometimes life feels empty. People try and distract themselves from the emptiness by religion, lust, power, and love, but the emptiness is always there. Any thoughts? Thanks for reading.
#7 to #1 - tedge (05/06/2013) [-]
just, when you inevitably start killing people, only kill the bad ones. like rapists, and ********* , and politician's, and people who run toll booths.
User avatar #6 to #1 - iamkagji (05/06/2013) [-]
Huh. You're more sociopathic than me. I'd love to wait until you get a bit older, more experienced, then throw a knife at your feet and show down. I get the feeling you would enjoy that, too.
User avatar #3 to #1 - highclassbean (05/06/2013) [-]
let me phrase this so that your
>undeniable high intelligence
can understand.
YOU ARE 15
its is a most miserable age to be at. still trying to figure out who you really are.
as for you, by your own description of yourself you have provided. don't be scared of being different of even sociopathic. because you are. you are indeed a horrible person there is no mistaking that. but with being 15 you will most likely change all of your ideas and conform to something else. if not then you will continue down this sociopathic path and probably kill someone or go on spree. be the next "jack the ripper" with your fascination of spilling blood and how people tick. maybe even a real life jigsaw. then you will be promptly hunted down, killed or locked up.
good for you, go be that special snowflake. I dont really care since i dont really believe this is entirely true or the true you. im only really writing this because of your felling of emptiness. again with your undeniable high intelligence you probably think christians a lesser, dumber people than you. but if you truly want to change your life and rid that hole in your existence, seek the lord. talk to someone about christianity with an open mind. preferably someone who really knows what it means to be a follower like almost any church leader. please do it for the betterment of yourself.
again go ahead an choose to throw away these words i have left you in. good luck with trying to fill that hole with earthly things. only the love of the lord which is imperishable, will ever wash away the pain.
if you have any questions, comments or criticism I would truly like to hear them.
#4 to #3 - erewhileland (05/06/2013) [-]
I live in a Christian family, and went to church when I was younger. I understand what it means to seek the lord, and when I was younger, i did. I respect people of faith, I just don't understand them. Christians are in no way lesser beings, I just think some people trick themselves into believing something is there, just to get away from the emptiness. That's what I did for a while, but I didn't really actually believe it.
User avatar #5 to #4 - highclassbean (05/06/2013) [-]
have you ever thought why people devout themselves so dearly to something you are convinced isn't true? haven't you ever thought "how can those people just live under a shroud, fooling themselves day in and out that there is something out there" have you never seen the passion some people posses for the lord which you say is not there?
are you convinced that these people just must be crazy and idiotic for ignoring what science shows. i really dont think you know what i means to seek the lord. for he god reveals himself to all those who seek him. god meets us every day, we just never bother to listen. I can tell you with an honest heart that it is no trick of the mind. that god is there indefinitely. this fact has become so plain that it almost astounds me how people can not see it.
my only wish is for you to give it another shot and to not give up so soon. and that the emptiness is vanquishable.
#2 to #1 - sheriffhd (05/06/2013) [-]
Dexter, is that you?
Dexter, is that you?
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