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Just Wonderin'

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Submitted: 05/06/2013
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#1 - erewhileland (05/06/2013) [+] (6 replies)
I was a selfish, violent child. I'd frequently abuse my older brother. he was a sweet, gentle child, and I had complete power over him. I would capture bugs and tear them apart, pulling off their wings and legs. The weirdest thing I would do as a child was when I would try and get a reaction out of people. I was fascinated with how people dealt with shocking news, so I'd go up to random people and state: My Mom just died, or something equally shocking and see how they reacted.
Considering my undeniably high intelligence, I have always manipulated people. I've torn friendships apart, stolen things and have broken people pretty badly. I don't really want to go into other deeds I've done, certainly not over the internet, but I admit I use people, lying, and stealing to get what I want.
I sometimes get urges and fantasies to cut, maim, or beat people, especially when I'm irritated or tired. The strongest urge I've ever gotten was at a dinner party, and it's not like I leapt off my chair and started stabbing people with dessert spoons, but I must say, i really, really wanted to. The bloodlust is always there, and I frantically want to hurt people, and make them bleed. In every fight I've ever been in I always remember this sense of adrenaline, and an urge to spill blood. I've taken to watching surgeries online to see cuts being made, but it's really not the same.

As much as I don't care about how I stand socially, I'm pretty good at pretending. The best thing in the world is probably information about people. I strive for figuring out people and knowing what makes their minds tick. I'll obsessively watch and follow people, pretending to be their friends and making them comfortable with me so I can figure them out. Once I've "solves their minds" I usually get bored and move onto someone else. Everything I do is to get more information, which is why I've taken a lot of energy to become everyone's best friend: You never know who might be interesting. Even so, it's also the thrill of the game that interests me. Asking blunt or vague questions, being direct or subtle. Too hard and they back away, too soft and you don't go anywhere. It fascinated me that everyone is different, so it makes people's minds all the more interesting. But... as much as I love it, there's a toll it takes. I'll go to extreme measures and risks to support people emotionally that I'll be on the brink of emotional collapse.
My emotions are different that others, though. Sometimes, I'm interested in how they work, while sometimes I'm just annoyed with them. Emotional attachment, I understand, but only if that person is useful to you. If you're attached for no other reason but love, or something else stupid like that, it just confuses me. Anger, aggression, passion, boredom, and interest are emotions I completely understand, but things like sadness, happiness, or unconditional love are alien. I feel no remorse when i do something society deemed wrong, and lying only gives me a sense of power. It took a man to fall in love with me, and for me to completely throw him away at his weakest moment, simply because I had figured him out for me to realize I was a horrible person. I just simply am.
I'm not scared of being different, or even sociopathic, but sometimes life feels empty. People try and distract themselves from the emptiness by religion, lust, power, and love, but the emptiness is always there. Any thoughts? Thanks for reading.
#2 to #1 - sheriffhd (05/06/2013) [-]
Dexter, is that you?
Dexter, is that you?
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