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Dnd Comics

YOUR use STORIES #3
illustrated by AC Stuart
CAR BOMBASS DE ETAIENT said:
Elna night, my assassin was Imaging watch. A
walked by and LI! as the party slept, I made I
laud ta try and ‘seduce’ hm...
dumt* atom
...
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Views: 39679
Favorited: 72
Submitted: 08/17/2015
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+192
#1 - skyrimdovah (08/18/2015) [-]
I once was a Freedom Paladin, and shiggy diggy'd with this girl in a temple.

It turned out she was the High-Priestess's 13 year old daughter, my party mates branded me as a pedophile from then on.
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User avatar #133 to #1 - psychologyxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
Ha, I remember that. Then when sk37chyz slept with her your character literally disintegrated
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User avatar #139 to #1 - psychologyxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
magicexplain, dndxplain, I'm a player in this game with him. The girl did not look 13, she looked to be at least 16-17, hence the 11/10 looks explanation. The DM is Adam, Chris.
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User avatar #142 to #139 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
I see no issue with this. you know me though.
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User avatar #200 to #139 - adsemc (08/19/2015) [-]
Actually, at the time, she looked fourteen. She was just a very good looking fourteen year old.
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User avatar #171 to #139 - magicexplain (08/18/2015) [-]
Lol that makes sense nowww
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#28 to #1 - hellpwnage (08/18/2015) [-]
serious D&D question, as a paladin, doesn't doing an act like that cause you to lose your paladinhood? does pedophilia in itself count as an evil or chaotic act?
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User avatar #31 to #28 - wouldyalookatthat (08/18/2015) [-]
That depends on quite a few things, not least of which is that he said he was a freedom paladin. Freedom Paladins are Chaotic good, not lawful good, and fight against tyranny and slavery and such, so might help his case abit as the chaotic alignment is more lenient in and of itself. After that it's pretty much up to did he have intent or was he negligent, and the decision of his deity if he has one/ the DM.

There's also the fact that 12+ was considered marrying age back in the middle ages, which may or may not carry into the setting.
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#195 to #31 - anon (08/19/2015) [-]
>>#83, Just sayin', a Freedom Paladin sounds broken as **** . Paladins being stuck as lawful was supposed to be a balancing factor, given how ridiculously OP they can be in combat. To go "ehhh, you know, you don't HAAAAVE to be lawful" is like going "well, you know, you don't HAVE to train with this gun first. You can just have it. Here, have free ammo, too!"
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User avatar #199 to #195 - wouldyalookatthat (08/19/2015) [-]
Being beholden to chaos can be just limiting as being beholden to law. Want to settle down into a routine? To bad. how about working with just about anyone of note in a country where slavery is legal? Because, even if they treat them well, slavery is slavery. if you were a normal paladin that might leave a bad taste in your mouth, but that's the law, so you'll go with it. A freedom paladin CAN'T work with slavers or tyrants, even for a short time, unless it is to further the greater freedom of people.

It's not a free gun with no training. It's choosing whether you want a bolt action rifle or a shotgun. If everyone else is using handguns, sure you'll feel real good if you're in your element, but there are sure times where you wish you had the damn handgun.
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User avatar #196 to #195 - dndxplain (08/19/2015) [-]
they're an archetype
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User avatar #83 to #28 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
>>#31, this as well as the fact that different gods have different laws.
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User avatar #115 to #28 - juter (08/18/2015) [-]
He might make him Atone for it, but I doubt he'd rip the god out off of him forever.
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#55 to #1 - ironsoul (08/18/2015) [-]
Did your character know she was only 13 beforehand?
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#56 to #55 - skyrimdovah (08/18/2015) [-]
No, the only thing the DM told me was that she was an 11/10 babe
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User avatar #64 to #56 - magicexplain (08/18/2015) [-]
Your DM told you a 13 y/o was a 11/10 ...and you're the pedo?
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User avatar #80 to #64 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
yes.
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User avatar #71 to #64 - atomschlumpf (08/18/2015) [-]
Now, I'm not sure here, but if the DM told him it was a 11/10 wouldn't that mean that in his characters eyes she would be a 11/10 so the DM would have decided the pala is a pedo....?
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User avatar #74 to #71 - magicexplain (08/18/2015) [-]
Ooooo good point but does he really determine sexual preference of players?
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User avatar #81 to #74 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
no, he doesn't, but he can use their preferences against them.
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User avatar #76 to #74 - atomschlumpf (08/18/2015) [-]
Well, not really sure as I don't actually know any PnP rules. On the one hand I think players should choose that trait of a character, on the other hand the DM tells you what you see....so kind of a loophole I guess?
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User avatar #66 to #64 - skyrimdovah (08/18/2015) [-]
He told me she was 13 after we shiggy diggy'd
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User avatar #78 to #66 - wrpen (08/18/2015) [-]
DM's shouldn't withhold obvious af information.

Granted, your in adventure time period magic world, so 13 years olds were generally both sexy compared to plague and hard-life ridden middle aged women and entirely okay to sex up if you have the father's blessing.
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#70 to #66 - broswagonist has deleted their comment [-]
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User avatar #68 to #66 - magicexplain (08/18/2015) [-]
I know but what I'm saying is he knew the whole time and still called her a 11/10
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#69 to #68 - skyrimdovah (08/18/2015) [-]
Ah, gotcha.
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User avatar #65 to #64 - sonsofsol (08/18/2015) [-]
Magic can't explain this bulldinky. Your powers are useless here.
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User avatar #67 to #65 - magicexplain (08/18/2015) [-]
I may be useless here but your penis is useless to the opposite sex.
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User avatar #72 to #67 - sonsofsol (08/18/2015) [-]
Crivens! So it's an old fashioned insult hoedown is it?

May your next **** be a hedgehog and may your balls turn square and go mouldy at the corners.
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User avatar #73 to #72 - magicexplain (08/18/2015) [-]
**magicexplain used "*roll 1, cah answer*"**
**magicexplain rolls Finger painting.**you knew my fetish but how???
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User avatar #75 to #73 - sonsofsol (08/18/2015) [-]
Foul and terrible majicks
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#61 to #56 - ironsoul (08/18/2015) [-]
I can't really blame you then.
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User avatar #123 to #56 - iamnuff (08/18/2015) [-]
You sure he didn't say "she looks eleven or ten" because she was small for a thirteen year old?
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User avatar #125 to #123 - skyrimdovah (08/18/2015) [-]
Nope, even though it was a while back, the trauma is still fresh in my mind.
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User avatar #3 to #1 - platinumaltaria (08/18/2015) [-]
Not on the clock, old enough for the cock.
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User avatar #4 to #3 - skyrimdovah (08/18/2015) [-]
24 Hour Clock...
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User avatar #5 to #4 - platinumaltaria (08/18/2015) [-]
you disgust me
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#15 to #4 - venomthc (08/18/2015) [-]
******* pleb, 24 bongs?! ******* preposterous.
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+100
#9 - xalim (08/18/2015) [-]
>Tiefling Warlock
>Pile everything into Cha
>Party's mission is to infiltrate a bandit group and set them up for an attack
>Find the recruiter passed out in a tavern
>Slap him awake and Say "You ever see a man do no handed pushups?"
>Proceeds to do squats with a nat 20 performance roll
>The tavern applauds and we all get rushed to meet with his superiors
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+54
User avatar #10 - sayonarazetsubou ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
>Tiefling Cleric
>Cleric
>Rescue some **** from a prison
>Someone sets prison on fire
>There's a minotaur in the prison
>It has escaped
>It finds us
>Everyone's having trouble
>I'm keeping up heals
>I am a cleric, after all
>" **** this."
>Inflict Wounds spell
>nat 20
>Minotaur writhes in pain and dies a horrible death
>"Anyone need a heal?"
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User avatar #27 to #10 - rawesome (08/18/2015) [-]
Why would you roll a d20 for inflict tho?
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+11
User avatar #32 to #27 - sayonarazetsubou ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
Spellcasting roll, to see if the spell hit. I don't remember the damage, but base damage was around 3d10. With the nat 20 crit, it was around 6d10.
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User avatar #84 to #27 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
>>#33, >>#52,
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User avatar #86 to #27 - schneidend ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
Oh, also, if you get a 20, a touch (ranged or melee) attack spell like Inflict X Wounds or Scorching Ray will deal double damage.
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User avatar #52 to #27 - schneidend ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
Melee touch attack to see if you can discharge the spell onto the victim's body.
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#30 to #27 - anon (08/18/2015) [-]
Because he's making up a story for attention.
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User avatar #33 to #30 - twostepstoomany (08/18/2015) [-]
Inflict spells are touch attacks though. You need to roll for them to hit.
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User avatar #163 to #10 - novagodx ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
how can you use heals and inflict pain are you a neutral cleric?
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User avatar #201 to #163 - sayonarazetsubou ONLINE (08/19/2015) [-]
In 5e, things are a bit more flexible. The way I made sense of it was that since I was a Tiefling cleric, I dabbled a bit on the darker spells.
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+43
User avatar #12 - misterblack (08/18/2015) [-]
>be half ogre/half orc barbarian/knight
>pretty dumb
>taking watch one night
>fail like 4 spot/listen/search checks in a row
>don't even notice a pair of frost giants approach the camp and start attacking the party
>don't even get to join the fight until the second round because i'm still failing spot checks
>elf cleric ends up being kidnapped
>her player goes off on a rant about how her last character was in a very similar situation and ended up being gang raped by a group of monsters
>feel bad but can't stop laughing
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User avatar #209 to #12 - warlordstuart (08/19/2015) [-]
whose the asshole DM that rapes PC's? Did they agree that this was acceptable? even the book of erotic fantasy and the book of vile darkness kinda goes "yeah, rape isn't cool....especially on PCs"

I mean, i know it has it's place in fiction and its a really powerful tool but...D&D is kinda personal. yeah, its happening to an imaginary character but most people put themselves in the shoes of their toons.

I wouldn't consider myself an amazing DM but the closest i ever got to rape was when a cult of Dark Elf Hippes threw a smoke-like ectasy into their campfire and tried to start an orgy. most of the PCs definitely did not want sex but understood what was happening and why. I gave them a saving throw and even if they failed it i didnt force them their PC to participate although they "enjoyed the sensations on your own"
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User avatar #210 to #209 - misterblack (08/19/2015) [-]
The kind who's new and knows not what he does.
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User avatar #211 to #210 - warlordstuart (08/19/2015) [-]
fair enough i guess...i mean, was she really torn up about it or just generally pissed? kinda curious.
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User avatar #212 to #211 - misterblack (08/19/2015) [-]
I don't think she was truly mad about it. Of course, I'm a bad judge of these things, so the world may never know.

We're playing again tonight, so hopefully something really entertaining happens.
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User avatar #87 to #12 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
you shouldn't be rolling spot checks with giant creatures pretty much right in front of you.

perception isn't used to see anything at all it's used to see things you'd have to strain to see.

also, you can't be half ogre and half orc. half-races have to have a human race because of the innate human ability to produce offspring with anything.
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User avatar #204 to #87 - misterblack (08/19/2015) [-]
1) I had my back to the frost giants and I was making god awful rolls (with a -2 Int mod on top of that). They might as well have been sneaking, even though I'm sure they weren't.

2) It was mostly listen checks IIRC, but I'm sure I rolled at least one of each. My whole group has been using spot to see anything at all ever since I started playing tabletop, so I guess it's our bad.

3) I was originally going to be just an Orc, but then my DM told me to throw Half-Ogre on top of that for some reason. I'm not complaining, though; having stat bonuses from two races is nice.
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User avatar #208 to #204 - Lainge (08/19/2015) [-]
By raw the game doesn't penalise you based on directions. I would put that down to "distracted" penalty.
But a battle is a -10 on the DC.
So Distracted being +5 and +1 for every 10 ft away they are fighting your allies from you.
It's basically impossible to fail the check unless you have a negative wisdom mod and roll a 1 or something.
But for noticing them in the first place, they shouldn't really have approached you anyway.
They should have thrown rocks from afar.
Just things to keep in mind for future games but not really super important as long as you are consistent with how you use the rules.
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User avatar #206 to #204 - dndxplain (08/19/2015) [-]
it's pretty noisy to fight a frost giant
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User avatar #207 to #206 - misterblack (08/19/2015) [-]
Hence why I only lost out on one round of combat due to my terrible rolling.
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#14 to #12 - vigilum (08/18/2015) [-]
Good luck with that frost giant rapeage
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User avatar #16 to #14 - tcreel (08/18/2015) [-]
Umm... I am gonna need sauce on that gif/webm/whatever it is. I need this for reasons.
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User avatar #17 to #16 - vigilum (08/18/2015) [-]
You need to login to view this link

I went through a couple dozen pages of "paizuri animated" for your sake
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User avatar #18 to #17 - tcreel (08/18/2015) [-]
I thank you very much kind sir
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User avatar #150 to #17 - verrek (08/18/2015) [-]
I think this is like the 7th time Ive favorited this link.
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User avatar #22 to #12 - Lainge (08/18/2015) [-]
I find it hard to believe that it would be possible to the checks to notice 2 frost giants trying to ambush you at night.
Why would they even be attempting to stealth?
Frost Giants fear no puny men.
So basically the DC of the check would be the penalties associated with night and if you have no dark vision.
I assume you would have a camp fire if you don't have dark vision.
Either way as soon as they enter the range of the light they get a massive penalty on not being found.
So your DM dropped the ******* ball on this one by raw and by basic logic.
It doesn't really matter as long as you had fun but good lord that's a stupid way to handle an encounter.
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#38 to #22 - lurkerfox (08/18/2015) [-]
In my experience a lot of DMs dont really know what theyre doing and drop the ball on a lot of things, some more than others. Usually its okay unless they are new DMs and catch the same lolrandumb that many newer D&D players get.
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User avatar #88 to #38 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
^^^^^^^^^
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User avatar #95 to #22 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
>>#87,
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User avatar #51 to #22 - schneidend ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
Frost giants love ambushes, and usually get a racial bonus to hiding/sneaking in snowy environs.
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User avatar #89 to #51 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
... in what system?

because... no... no they don't.
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User avatar #94 to #93 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
touché, but they don't like ambushes.
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User avatar #100 to #94 - schneidend ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
They totally do, though. Bursting out of a snowbank to catch a party flat-footed, throwing rocks down at unsuspecting adventurers traveling through a canyon, and rushing out from the cover of a snowstorm are all favored tactics of frost giants.
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User avatar #102 to #100 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
the only one I remember from my bestiary is the bursting out of snowbanks and that's less tactical advantage and more "I fell asleep and the snow covered me."
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User avatar #103 to #102 - schneidend ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
I think you're sorely underestimating the intelligence and cleverness of frost giants. They have caves lined with comfy furs and loot to sleep in. If they're covered by snow and burst out to attack, it's because they're lying in wait to catch people by surprise and kill or capture them, not because they dimly fell asleep outside for no reason.

Granted, once a battle is fully joined they usually just start ******* **** up and fight to the death. But, they'll pick off isolated opponents one by one and kill, enslave, or eat them alive, if the opportunities present themselves.
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User avatar #105 to #103 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
ah wait, nope.

I'm sorry, I forgot that they do ambush.

I feel like an ass now
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User avatar #107 to #105 - schneidend ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
It's kay, breh. I'm a big frost giant fan, and of the higher-grade giants in general. I tend to read up on them a lot.
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User avatar #108 to #107 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
I haven't used them in quite some time. I've been working on a class combination of a monk and a sorcerer, can't tell you much more yet and the elemental bloodline for frost's flavor text is that you have an ice giant's soul inside of you.
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User avatar #111 to #108 - schneidend ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
I'm not a big monk or sorcerer player, but I do love anything that imbues frost giant blood/spirit/soul into players. My current favorite character is a Barbarian grappler who is descended from frost giants.
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User avatar #104 to #103 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
m8

Knowledge (Nature)

DC Result

14 Though uncertain of which type, the size of this creature before you marks it out as one of the giant-kin. This result reveals all giant traits.

19 This creature is a frost giant, a member of the giant-kin usually found in snow-covered mountainous regions. As well as being dangerous melee combatants, these creatures, like most of their kind, are practiced rock-throwers, and can use these great chucks of stone as deadly and precise missiles. Frost giants usually speak both the giant and common languages. This result reveals all cold traits.

24 Frost giants are brutal and destructive raiders, feared by most who live within or close to their territories, and ruled over by tribal leaders who call themselves "jarl". Though they usually live by hunting and raiding, they have been known to trade with other giant communities. They also like to take slaves when they raid communities.
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User avatar #34 - Bryle ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
>Be a Sorceror with big floppy hat and rapiers.
>On a Pirate ship befriending the crew
>Go up to Female crew member and roll charisma.
>Nat 1.
>Female pissed as hell. Ends up attacking me by trying to shove me down.
>I roll Acrobatics check.
>Nat 20.
>I tumble backwords onto my feet again and do a grandeur bow. "Maybe another time then?"
>Walk away.
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User avatar #62 to #34 - shyyguy (08/18/2015) [-]
"Sorceror with big floppy hat".

Did your character eventually go hollow in a crystal library?
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User avatar #120 to #62 - iamnuff (08/18/2015) [-]
Iunderstoodthatrefrence.jpg
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#126 to #120 - shyyguy (08/18/2015) [-]
In case you needed it
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User avatar #106 to #62 - Bryle ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
Uh no. We made it to level 9 before we had to disband the party due to time constraints and both our warrior and DM changing colleges.
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#11 - qwertyness (08/18/2015) [-]
playing an evil campagin

>were holding out in recently overtaken city
>army of all kingdoms of man, elf, and dwarf make camp outside and begin a seig
>our overlord is a litch, gave us an undead army to command
>day one of the fighting wasnt to bad, lost 15 k troops, but killed 40 k in enemy troops
>ranger and ilthid decide on their own plan to help with the odds since its 200 k against 45 k at this point
>they sneak out under the cover of night
>ilthid uses greater image
>creates massive vision of himself and claims to be god, demanding them to surrender
>ranger fires an arrow in an arching path so it falls down through its mouth
>the flaming arrow strikes a tent and begins a massive fire
>then casts STRANGE
>flocks of men and dwarf surrender
he converted 10 k troops to our side.
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User avatar #90 to #11 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
that... is glorious...
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#2 - anon (08/18/2015) [-]
I ended up seducing a big-time slave trader due to my character's high charisma. He and his men made good allies for the campaign, provided my guy was in a gay relationship with him.
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#44 - smuph (08/18/2015) [-]
>Playing as an assassin carrying legless lost them in a previous battle death-mage teammate
> DM says we come across a talking sign and scarecrow
>sign and scarecrow give two different directions and then call each other liars
>DM clearly wants us to figure out which one is lying
>DM is super serious about this type of stuff
>Me and death-mage enjoy pissing him off too much irl
>rip off the sign and use it as armour
>Natural 20
>Scarecrow stands up to thank us for killing the sign
>Death-mage tries to pull off its legs and use them as his own legs
>Natural 20
We erupted into laughter as he just sat there in defeat, our combined retardedness trumping his situation.
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User avatar #47 to #44 - schneidend ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
1. You still don't know which way to go.
2. Now you have the legs of a magical being you murdered in cold blood grafted onto one of the PCs. Sounds like a recipe for a curse to me.
3. You wasted your crits on shenanigans, and will probably roll no higher than 4 against the no doubt horrifying consequences of #1 and #2.
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User avatar #92 to #47 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
m8, it's called roleplaying.

you know, what you're supposed to do in a roleplaying game?

I dislike people who go balls to the walls with shenanigans, but you can have fun with it, and you can't really complain if it's in their character.

I see nothing wrong with what smuph did.
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User avatar #96 to #92 - schneidend ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
He specifically says he was messing with the DM because he and the legless wonder enjoy pissing him off irl.
It sounds really disruptive to the adventure, and something the DM wanted to do, and was just done for lulz. The DM likes riddles like this, maybe other players do, too. Instead, both of the riddlemaking NPCs are dead.
Regardless, even if it was completely in-character, their actions would have logical and justifiable in-universe consequences that would likely lead to some party deaths or even a TPK.
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User avatar #98 to #96 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
of course there would be consequences, but that doesn't mean you should get on them for roleplaying.
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User avatar #99 to #98 - schneidend ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
Like I said, it doesn't sound like he was roleplaying. It also sounds like a repeated behavior to see the DM is doing something they're into and purposefully trying to **** it up.
It also sounds like, if he was roleplaying, his roleplaying consists of nothing but "lol I'm Chaotic Neutral so zaniness and random ensues kek!". Humorous characters can be fun, but like you say there's a limit to how much shenanigans can be entertaining.
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User avatar #101 to #99 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
trust me, I hate the people who go "lol chaotic neutral means I'm a prankster and can be a dick for no reason" to anyone reading this, chaotic neutral's title is "the free spirit." people who go with the flow. Chaotic != bad/asshole, Chaotic = unpredictable. but if it's repeated in character behavior it kind of establishes who his character is. in the end it'd be bad roleplaying if they didn't do something stupid when they usually would.
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User avatar #129 to #101 - tosado (08/18/2015) [-]
What would the title for Chaotic Good be. I recently made a chaotic good character, but I feel that I'm playing him as more of a neutral good. Any advice for how to Chaotic Good?
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User avatar #130 to #129 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
the iconic hero for chaotic good characters is robin hood, just like the iconic "hero" for lawful evil characters is the sherrif of naughtingham.

they're rogueish people who refuse to obey the law if it gets in the way of doing what's good and righteus.
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User avatar #131 to #130 - tosado (08/18/2015) [-]
Alright, well, we haven't exactly been around much law enforcement. But, that's what I've heard is like a Robin Hood style person. Thanks for confirming!
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User avatar #136 to #131 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
vigilante, sorry. the anarchist is chaotic evil.
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User avatar #134 to #131 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
no problem!

as for the title, I believe (I'll double check later) it's the anarchist.
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User avatar #137 to #134 - tosado (08/18/2015) [-]
Which book do you find them in? (Also, I don't think it matter since they're both the same base system, but I am playing Pathfinder.
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User avatar #138 to #137 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
they're in one of the earlier manuels for dnd. I believe 2e but I'm not sure.

pathfinder is my favorite system~
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User avatar #141 to #138 - tosado (08/18/2015) [-]
I've been really enjoying it recently. But, being that this is my first time playing a tabletop in like 6 years (The last being 3.5 dnd campaign that lasted like 3 sessions) It's taking some getting used to. There is just so much information to read into. And they keep releasing books every month. Ultimate Equipment killed me when reading through it. I've had to re-read it a few times now, and I'm still far from knowing even half of the items in the game.
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User avatar #143 to #141 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
honestly don't worry about additional books unless you're purposefully utilizing something in them. while it's a handy thing to do and I wind up doing it anyway, it's just stress on the brain
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User avatar #152 to #143 - tosado (08/18/2015) [-]
I'm one of those guys that reads everything. I want to know everything about the game. The only thing I'm not reading too far into is the mythic system.
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User avatar #153 to #152 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
I ******* love the mythic system
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User avatar #154 to #153 - tosado (08/18/2015) [-]
I've only heard bad things about it. Why do you like it?
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User avatar #157 to #154 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
the biggest hook for me is that no one should start out mythic. it's not something given, it's earned. to "level up" your mythic tier you need to do mythic **** . anyone can save an orphan from a fire, but can someone save twenty orphans, two cows, and a chicken from a raging inferno set by the god of fire himself?

I like that you don't need to be mythic to have a mythic weapon, which has double the max number of magical effects attached to it (a +10 max instead of a +5) and I love the utter customizability of it. you can be your own unique brand of superhero. or villain.
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User avatar #159 to #157 - tosado (08/18/2015) [-]
I think I'll have to read up on it. It sounds like it could make some interesting situations.
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User avatar #109 to #101 - schneidend ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
I don't know if it really does establish who the character is if they specifically only bust out the random faggotry when the DM tries to do an aspect of the roleplaying they enjoy, like riddles.

Anyway, I feel for the DM, and hope smuph's character and the death mage died horribly. Actually, I hope the scarecrow legs took over the death mage and HE killed smuph's assassin. That'd be neat.
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User avatar #110 to #109 - dndxplain (08/18/2015) [-]
that'd be baller.
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User avatar #36 - golnax (08/18/2015) [-]
Alright, so here's one of the only D&D stories I've got that's worth anything.

>Be a skeleton sorcerer oozemancer
>This is already a fun time
>Wearing robes to hide my calcium from all the ********
>Be in a tavern, a couple of humans, a cat-person, and a doppleganger
>None of them drinking liquid calcium, shame on them.
>Bartender says that the town's having a bit of a goblin problem, needs some folks to go clear out the cave they're all settled in
>No one's interested
>Mysterious figure (Spooky skeleton in rags) walks up to them, manages to convince them that it'd be worth it
>After everyone agrees, bard tries to seduce the cat lady, fails and seduces the doppleganger instaed
>Prequest shenanigans, amirite?
>Next day everyone heads out. No one seems to care that they haven't seen under the robes of the guy who convinced them to go do this in the first place.
>Get to the cave, proceed to fight some goblins
>Skeleton stays in the back letting the others do the killing, saving spells for the boss fight and **** .
>get to boss fight, bigass hobgoblin with some goblin lackies
>Round 1, sp00k!
>All goes pretty well to start with, goblins aren't too much of a problem, poke one with a stick I picked up from a previous goblin
>The the hobgoblin came, totally started busting face
>Bard's in trouble, wizard's running away in fear, cat lady in epic combat
>It's time.
>No one's looking, so I reach into my skull to pull out:
>Squishy , my grey slime familiar
>That is its name. Squishy . The face is necessary for proper spelling.
>Throw Squishy at the hobgoblin, manage to hit him
>Squishy starts to absorb and digest him as is the slime way.
>Distracts the hob long enough for cat lady and wizard to get the killing hits
>All thanks to Squishy
>After we leave the cave, bard walks up to me
>"Is uh... is your hand skeletal?"
>Manage a high enough roll to lie
>"Nope."
>'Kay den.

Thus began a pretty fun campaign that sadly got cut short when two of the players couldn't attend anymore. I miss Squishy and his skeleton master...
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User avatar #19 - penguinicus ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
Knocked the BBEG onto the ground with a well placed hammer blow from the barbarian.

I, the 7ft tall half-orc sorcerer went to finish her off with a coup de grace with a nat 20. One of the random talents/titles I had earned named me a master of sodomy.

I critically butt ****** the final boss to death, dealing 2d4 melee and 2d10 poison damage.
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User avatar #40 to #19 - iqequalzero (08/18/2015) [-]
Having to roll an attack for CDG.

Poisons deals hit point damage.

What is this ******* ?

Also, being able to deal 1d4 base damage with your cock...come now..
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User avatar #54 to #40 - schneidend ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
Also, you roll an attack to see if you miss, because a creature might be in heavy armor or with some kind of insane natural armor bonus like a dragon or a warded spellcaster. You get whatever bonuses would apply, such as the creature being helpless and prone, and if you hit you automatically crit.
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User avatar #50 to #40 - schneidend ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
4e had poison as a damage type, and shied away from stat damage for most things, so most poisons dealt 5 or more poison damage per round, with a saving throw at the end of each turn to negate further damage. I'm not sure if 5E does the same.

I believe most poisons in AD&D dealt damage per round, too, but that may have just been Baldur's Gate.
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User avatar #180 to #40 - penguinicus ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
Not my cock personally, no.

Me as a 7ft half orc, yes. Also, proficiency with sodomy, so there's that.
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User avatar #202 to #180 - iqequalzero (08/19/2015) [-]
Any medium sized humanoid being able to deal any kind of lethal damage with their dick is just
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User avatar #203 to #202 - penguinicus ONLINE (08/19/2015) [-]
i like to imagine it was the sheer shock value of a previously uncharted anus being violently excavated that did the damage.

the poison might have just been from the gay bouncer at the club who took me to my room.
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#29 - klille (08/18/2015) [-]
>be a chivalrous longsword duelist that has a tendency to go into a bloodfueled berserk rage
>our ranger/mage dude only has one spell and is bad at that singular one (it was very, very early in the campaign) this is telekenisis
>we are fighting a large fleshgolem type creature that's really hard to hit
>ranger dude tries to use telekenisis on me, while im in berserk, to make me able to reach his neck
>crit fail
>he lifts me up by my foot for a slow hover
>my character(that is still berserking) is swinging wildly, frothing and swearing
>ranger "forgets" about me and starts shooting arrows instead of trying to help me down
>my turn, i have hovered untill im over his head
>the spell dissipates
>i plummet towards the fleshgolem like a swearing meteor of pure anger

now, we use almost only d6es in our system, so usually, unless you got perticular skills to increase your damage (which are rare) you can at most do 6 points of damage, if you're lucky

>"alright roll to hit, if you fail you take falling damage"
>i easily make the roll
>"alright, roll damage"
>6, but due to me having a skill for that, a sword with bonus to undead AND is in berserk, my total damage comes down to a whooping 9 points and comes close to instantly killing him
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#79 - retwistfate (08/18/2015) [-]
WARNING: kinda long story but its my favorite of my d&d stories.

>Be an 11ft tall bear barbarian that can speak and only wants someone to defeat him
>DM says "you walk into this town and you see nobody seems to be doing anything"
> I take a look around town
> DM says theres a guard being lazy sitting in front of a pond
> decide to have a bit of fun with guard
> I head to the tavern and "lightly push the guard into the water"
> roll a 26 after bonus applied
> claw kind of just sinks into the guard killing him instantly
> ***************************** .webM
> push the body into the pond
> frantically trying to hide it before someone notices
> hear some body call me master
> some diseased guy thinks im his master and will do anything for me
> tell him to claim the kill as his own when guards come
> says he cant swim
> tell him ill save him if he starts drowning
> he jumps in to claim the kill
> starts drowning
> go to save him but hes making a lot of noise...
> people start to notice
> hold his head under water
>noise stops
>bodies sink
> everythingwentbetterthanexpected.jpeg

i have more of this charecter. the DM didnt know what to do with me so everything i tried to do turned into hilarity. just reply if you guys want another part of the story
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User avatar #119 to #79 - tallzed (08/18/2015) [-]
I want to hear more.
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#145 to #119 - retwistfate (08/18/2015) [-]
i replied to the other guy.....in retrospect i should have replied to my own post, ill do that in the future sorry about this :/ . anyway you can read the second part if you go back the my main post
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User avatar #148 to #145 - tallzed (08/18/2015) [-]
Alright thanks.
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User avatar #116 to #79 - iamnuff (08/18/2015) [-]
Wow, that was actually pretty funny.

I'd like to hear more.
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#124 to #116 - retwistfate (08/18/2015) [-]
Deal! ill just continue where that story left off

> watch bodies sink
> im chaotic evil so what the hell
> move on to the tavern
> now being the bear that wants to lose i slam the door open
>DM calls for a strength check
>ohgodno
> roll 19, 32 after bonuses
> decimate the door and part of the wall while screaming i want to arm wrestle
> 10 foot tallk stacked as **** orc stands up
> everyone in the tavern stats screaming and running around
> i tell him the bet is 50 gold
> he agrees but says if i lose i have to go with him on some quest
> like im gonna follow this nerd
> we sit down arms locked
> DM says to go ahead and roll i wont win
> nat 20
> i destroy him, break the table, his neck, the tables beside us, the bar, everything
> check his pocket
> 15 gold.......some lame ass map....a mace
> barkeep asks how im gonna pay for all this damage
> lumber toward the bar
> complete silence
> drop the mace on the counter and walk out the door

thats it for part 2. hope you enjoy it man if you do ill continue
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User avatar #149 to #124 - tallzed (08/18/2015) [-]
You should post as content and give me a mention.
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User avatar #53 - pipeworks (08/18/2015) [-]
I used to play as a dwarf fighter who had left his job as a City Guard to become an adventurer. I played him as a very by-the-books gruff cop, and he insisted on drawing a chalk outline around every dead body before looting it.

He was once almost killed by an animated loaf of bread, because I rolled two 1s in a row.

Such is D&D.
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User avatar #122 to #53 - thatonesouthernkid (08/18/2015) [-]
that was bretty good rping right der
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User avatar #147 to #53 - relvel (08/18/2015) [-]
And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why we don't teleport bread.
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#35 - ssliskas ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
I posted this like 2 years ago and people seemed to like it so, I was playing a level 16 Female Drow fighter with a dickhead DM. Not unfair or anything like that, he would just screw with you when you play. We were playing a filler quest in a long campaign since this particular session had to be short. Nothing major just a simple dungeon crawl. I kill the last enemy in a particular room and the DM says that my sword belt was cut by the enemy's sword as he fell. **** . I take the guys belt and equip it to replace mine. DM gets a huge **** eating grin on his face says "Roll a D100". I roll a 46 and DM goes your chest plate suddenly feels too loose and your cod piece is too tight. Mother ****** , its the belt of masculinity/femininity. I say "You realize I'm a Drow right?" DM goes "Oh **** !" and everyone starts laughing. After he calms down he flips through one of his books and says "roll system shock" I roll a 100. Critical. ******* . Fail. Everyone is laughing again. DM flips through two more books. He looks at me like the damn Cheshire cat and says "Unable to cope with being a filthy male you kill your self via falling on your own sword."
I posted this like 2 years ago and people seemed to like it so,

I was playing a level 16 Female Drow fighter with a dickhead DM. Not unfair or anything like that, he would just screw with you when you play. We were playing a filler quest in a long campaign since this particular session had to be short. Nothing major just a simple dungeon crawl. I kill the last enemy in a particular room and the DM says that my sword belt was cut by the enemy's sword as he fell. **** . I take the guys belt and equip it to replace mine. DM gets a huge **** eating grin on his face says "Roll a D100". I roll a 46 and DM goes your chest plate suddenly feels too loose and your cod piece is too tight. Mother ****** , its the belt of masculinity/femininity. I say "You realize I'm a Drow right?" DM goes "Oh **** !" and everyone starts laughing. After he calms down he flips through one of his books and says "roll system shock" I roll a 100. Critical. ******* . Fail. Everyone is laughing again. DM flips through two more books. He looks at me like the damn Cheshire cat and says "Unable to cope with being a filthy male you kill your self via falling on your own sword."
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#46 to #35 - ExorArgus ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
Wait what your DM is a huge dickhead then, natural crits (20 or 100) ARE ALWAYS good there a sidebar in the DMG that calls that out specifically. The lowest roll on a d% is 1 and the highest is 100 the worst option is 1 the best option is 100. NO EXCEPTIONS. getting high numbers on dice is always what the best outcome for the player would be in the given action that is most preferable. So you crit SUCCEED the system shock and realize its just magic and is reversible. And yes D% do start at 1 going to 100 look at ANY treasure table.
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User avatar #132 to #46 - tosado (08/18/2015) [-]
You've misread what he is saying. He said he rolled a 100 aka a d100. But he rolled a critical failure aka a 1 on the d100. I understand the confusion though.
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#135 to #132 - ExorArgus ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy???
"roll system shock" I roll a 100."
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User avatar #140 to #135 - tosado (08/18/2015) [-]
He meant it as "I roll a d100" because he follows it with "Critical. ******* . Fail" which is associated with rolling a 1 on any roll.
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#144 to #140 - ExorArgus ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
that's why i think his dm is retared he treated a 100 as a 1.
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User avatar #151 to #144 - tosado (08/18/2015) [-]
okay, I'm going to try this one more time. When he said he rolled a 100. Read it as he rolled a d100 (a 100 sided die). He simply forgot to put d before 100.

After that, he started up the next sentence saying he Crit failed the roll. Read: He rolled a 1 on the 100 sided die.

I don't see any way to misinterpret it now.
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#155 to #151 - ExorArgus ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
Yes when you change the words he wrote down it does seem to follow what he said.
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User avatar #156 to #155 - tosado (08/18/2015) [-]
Some people say the rolled a 100 when talking about the numbers of sides on the dice they roll. Why would he follow "I rolled a 100" with "Critical. ******* . Fail." unless he clearly forgot to indicate that he meant to say he rolled a d100? At this point, I'm beginning to think you're just bait.
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#162 to #156 - ExorArgus ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
I've never heard someone say "i rolled a x" i terms of the act of rolling a die, i heard "i rolled a x" in terms of getting a number after throwing. I know you have what you think was said but its not what was actually said so I'm going to maintain my position that his DM is a dumbass until it has be confirmed by the guy.
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User avatar #217 to #162 - ssliskas ONLINE (08/31/2015) [-]
Guys in second edition you want to roll low on a system shock
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#218 to #217 - ExorArgus ONLINE (09/01/2015) [-]
2nd edition... well then...
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User avatar #49 to #35 - schneidend ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
What a cunt. I mean, what's the point of the girdle if it doesn't lead to any more story and you just off yourself?
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User avatar #82 to #35 - vortexrain (08/18/2015) [-]
Drow?
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User avatar #127 to #82 - thatonesouthernkid (08/18/2015) [-]
it's like a dark elf, but I don't know what that has to do with it's reaction to switching genders.
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#146 to #127 - ExorArgus ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
They live in a female dominate society (underground) where the men are purely worker drones and for reproduction.
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#158 to #35 - ExorArgus ONLINE (08/18/2015) [-]
Did you roll 01 or 000 on the dice.
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#26 - sirfurnace (08/18/2015) [-]
>Be me
>Dragonborn paladin fighting goblins
>Their pet wolf and Bugbear leader attack
>Leader K.O's our thief and ranger
> ****** . *****
>Wolf jumps me
>Catch it midair due to mad skillz
>DM asks me if I want to push it away or grapple
>"Nah. I hit the goblin leader with it"
>Get choice of qhat I want to roll to attack as long as I explain why and DM can agree
>Choose animal handling
>Roll a nat 3 and miss
>Leader kills me and rest of party
>Wake up later, outside of dungeon, DM says we had a horrible dream
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User avatar #13 - ratmage (08/18/2015) [-]
As a sorcerer I once made fake money with exploding runes because we had a voucher for one free boat but our pirate wanted two, so I blew up the seller and we stole both.
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#37 - classybot (08/18/2015) [-]
I once tore off the jaw of a bandit and proceeded to make his jaw into a necklace of throw fireballs. He had 20 teeth so I had 20 charges.
Then I proceeded to kill his bandit gang with his fire teeth.
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User avatar #6 - Iven (08/18/2015) [-]
Had to get the one hobgoblin that was into that ****
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#42 - nemecyst (08/18/2015) [-]
I got a couple, only been in one run of 5e so far, but here is the tale of Haven Gaydolfa Delandael the Dragonborn Fighter

>Be my birthday, have everyone over, decide to play DnD
>Early on in the story, we're all lvl 1 we go into a cave full of goblins. kill a bunch of **** , do a short sidequest FOR the goblin king in exchange for a hostage
>my (now ex-) girlfriend decides to, as a druid in wolf form, attack the goblin king for just about no reason.
>So the five of us fight 7 or 8 goblins, as a black dragon I spit acid and actually get a kill and a half with it
>Canonically my character doesn't "spit" acid so much as projectile vomits acid, thus explaining why she can only do it once per day
>I'm the only one next to the last goblin, so I declare a mortal kombat between us
>Critical Failures are a ****** thing
>After 14 attacks summing up to 4 damage against one of the weakest enemies in the game: "Haven goes to swing her warhammer at the goblins crotch" I'm pretty pissed by this point
> 1
> "The warhammer slips from her hand and she grabs a handful of goblin dick
> **** it, I can work with this, DM is a cheeky cunt, but he allowed me, as a fighter, to have most of my melee attacks just reflect the weapon I'm currently using
> "I squeeze as hard as I can"
> 1
> Happy ******* birthday to me
> "You stumble and fall, and now your hand is a bit sticky"
> I gave a goblin a handjob.
> I hate this game
> Proceed to roll a nat20 and instant kill the goblin
> Brutalize the body
> wrap the entrails around my shield
> A few days of in-game time later and I still haven't removed them.
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User avatar #43 to #42 - nemecyst (08/18/2015) [-]
Also failed to mention that Haven is a chaotic evil racist

She is racist against the short races like goblins, gnomes, dwarves, halflings.
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#41 - rollingpicture (08/18/2015) [-]
**rollingpicture used "*roll picture*"**
**rollingpicture rolled image**

MRW I roll a 20 after 5 concecutive critical fails
123>
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