Breakfast God

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Breakfast! Its nutritious!

Tags: dungeons | Dragons | breakfast | God

File: 16549_ (93 KB, 387x222)
a new campaign with my regular group
campaign ended with the wizard ascending to divinity as The Breakfast God.
DDM tells asit' s SUD years afterwars game
fighter wants to play the family man, reluctantly drawn to adventure.
MOM gives him a wife and a cat.
Belife gets DMPQ' d, is only there to leek after our stuff while we' re out fighting.
hook is ware all been hired to fleece an old wizard ofa Mcguffin.
gees wrong, we all get cursed, I month until we all turn to onyx statues.
up in the desert for cure.
else feed and water left.
ewe by a bunch of idiots with throwing knives.
fighter ***** up and deflects a throwing knife into his cat, killing it instantly.
Belife gets a knife to the neck.
I need to save my wife!"
Paarty: "You' got medical skill man"
MOM: "Roll for it buddy"
MOM: "At the very least, you offer your wife an end to her suffering"
finish combat, fighter pulls out a necklace.
rife the knife and fork insignia of the breakfast god.
f; "I pray to the Breakfast God. All my wife wanted, was to help the people she loved. I pray you honor her in death, as I honered her in life."
MOM: "Take a mil buddy"
MOM raises his Eyebrows a few mils behind the screen.
Wrasses a note to the player that was previously the wizard
******* smirk on the when he gets the reply.
MOM: "With a flash of light and a loud crack, your demotion has been rewarded. The cerise of your wife has been turned into a bacon and egg roll. and your cat, a glass of orangejuice"
I eat them, quietly sobbing as I do so."
wmm our fighter ate his wife and cat

...

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Views:	50285
Favorited:	135
Submitted:	03/10/2015

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+238

#2 - tagme (03/10/2015) [-]

I want to play D&D, but I never learned the rules. Or had friends to play with.

#4 to #2 - watermelonkittie ONLINE (03/10/2015) [-]

You can download all the books and I know there are PvP tournaments of D&D. You may find people to play, explain a few things.

#8 to #2 - sakikurama (03/10/2015) [-]

All the rules needed to play are online. I'd suggest either 3.5 [url deleted] or pathfinder [url deleted] . As for a place to play, I live in the country myself so I usually play in an online forum. If you're interested, the link is [url deleted] . Good luck!

#12 to #8 - anon (03/10/2015) [-]

I actually tried to play with people from FJ, but because it was online people had no commitment. Some didn't show up resulting in it crumbling apart after 2 sessions.

#13 to #12 - sakikurama (03/10/2015) [-]

That can definitely be a problem online. You just have to be persistent and you'll eventually find a group of people who are as invested as you are. If you'd like to try other places online I'd suggest taking a look at roll20 or myth-weavers. Myth-weavers is a "play-by-post" which means people write posts in-character and progress the game that way. Roll20 is probably closer to what you did in the past.

#9 to #8 - sakikurama (03/10/2015) [-]

Man I suck at posting. Okay, if you're interested in 3.5 google the srd. If you're looking for pathfinder you google pfsrd.

#14 to #2 - barbwirepain (03/10/2015) [-]

for you and everybody else saying that, there are plenty of websites used to play D&D, also there are funnyjunk groups dedicated to it. just gotta know who to ask

#86 to #2 - commontroll (03/11/2015) [-]

Rules really are just suggestions in D&D, as it's entirely up to the DM on whether something's fine. Unless you're at a tournament or something dumb like that. Find a local comic store and find people to play with there also.

#87 to #86 - tagme (03/11/2015) [-]

There aren't any comic stores in my area.

#88 to #87 - commontroll (03/11/2015) [-]

Then run very far, and very fast.

#92 to #2 - nitricmike (03/11/2015) [-]

**nitricmike used "*roll 1, 1-20*"**
**nitricmike rolls 09** i roll for friends

#93 to #92 - tagme (03/11/2015) [-]

Does that mean you suceed or fail?

#95 to #93 - nitricmike (03/11/2015) [-]

fail, i think. there wasn't a certain number i had to reach and that's a low roll so maybe i get one friend

#38 to #2 - createdjustnow (03/10/2015) [-]

we have a funnyjunk tabletop group on skype i can add you to, if you want just pm me your skype details and we can probably get you into a newbie game

#70 to #38 - thatginger (03/10/2015) [-]

Any way i could get in on this? Just stated playing DnD and the game im part of only meets every couple weeks.

#72 to #70 - createdjustnow (03/10/2015) [-]

ye, pm me skype details

#39 to #38 - tagme (03/10/2015) [-]

Would I need anything for that? Like a microphone, or dice, or something?

#40 to #39 - createdjustnow (03/10/2015) [-]

a keyboard to set up getting into a game, making a character sheet, and typing messages. thats all you need, you may need a mouse as well to click roll for dice online

#69 to #40 - skelearmor (03/10/2015) [-]

can i join? skype name skelearmor

#83 to #69 - createdjustnow (03/11/2015) [-]

kind god*

#82 to #69 - createdjustnow (03/11/2015) [-]

added you, waiting for response, im the just god

#54 to #2 - theblargypargler (03/10/2015) [-]

Try this. Then you just have to have friends.

dnd.wizards.com/articles/features/basicrules

#55 to #54 - tagme (03/10/2015) [-]

Whish is/was always the hard part.

#42 to #2 - dndxplain ONLINE (03/10/2015) [-]

some say there is a user that helps people with such things

#45 to #42 - tagme (03/10/2015) [-]

You mean you can teach me how to play dnd, and get me friends to play with, all in one comment?

#46 to #45 - dndxplain ONLINE (03/10/2015) [-]

give me your skype, and I can find you friends.

as for teaching you how to play, the easiest thing to start with is pathfinder, considering it has everything you need to play online for free.
gonna need three sites:
d20pfsrd.com/ this is all of the rules and how to make a character
myth-weavers.com/ this is where you make character sheets
roll20.net/ this is where you play

my skype is order[underscore]of[underscore]lycaon.
should come up as The DM

#18 to #2 - Maroon ONLINE (03/10/2015) [-]

+21

#20 to #2 - whitenerdy (03/10/2015) [-]

- Google ZenMate
- Lets you download from thepiratebay without having to do ***** **** with you DNS/router/proxy or some other gaylord cumputer faggotry
- Go to You need to login to view this link
- Download 5th edition DnD (basic and easy on the get go, only like 200 pages compared to 3 times that in the older editions, 50 of them you'll never even need to read)
- Go into app.roll20.net and look for DnD campaigns where they allow scubs

If you want to become DM and DM your own group:
- Download 5th moster manual
- Search for campaigns, on either thepiratebay or on some forums for inspiration, neckbeards tend to write everything from items, monsters/characters/cities/plot and it will give you a good view over the land, inspiration and all that
- u redy ******

Word of advice:
The people you play with is the most important factor to your game, I would recommend people who have pacience and can appreciate making a character, and live in the universe that you create. It's a ROLEplaying game, not a rolePLAYING game. Do it for the adventure, not for the dicerolling

If you want, you can use app.roll20.net
You can play with people online and don't even need to set up the time and dungeon in your moms basement for you to have fun, it even calculates almost everything for you, and lets the GM set up the map if he wants to, you don't even need to be a nerd and spend half a day preparing the map, just drawn lines and shapes and tell them what they can perceive that way, easy as **** .

anyother question just PM

#21 to #20 - advice

(03/10/2015) [-]

Zenmate eh? this warrants taking a look, thanks bruh

#24 to #21 - whitenerdy (03/10/2015) [-]

Holy ************************** , that must be the most annoying ******* name to have

Do you check all the notifications you get?

#27 to #24 - advice

(03/10/2015) [-]

as a mod, I have to. Sometimes people ask for advice on something that should be flagged, and I have to be there.

#31 to #27 - whitenerdy (03/10/2015) [-]

That's some dedication, I'll try to lessen the use of the word 'Advice' and instead say something like 'inquiries to the subject at hand'

#32 to #31 - advice

(03/10/2015) [-]

lol it's okay, you can use my name ;p I like seeing some of the funny stuff I get linked too, and in this case, the helpful stuff. I hate/can't get DNS/proxy **** to work, so thanks

+11

#35 to #32 - whitenerdy (03/10/2015) [-]

>mod
>pretty cool guy

oh right, this isn't 4chan

#101 to #20 - compared (03/11/2015) [-]

Thanks for using a comparison, hope you are well.

#29 to #20 - tagme (03/10/2015) [-]

What? Does this game have a ******* textbook on it? Do I have to get a Masters' in Dungeonology and a Bachelors in Dragonology just to play. It's a big book for a players' manual.

#41 to #29 - yunablade (03/10/2015) [-]

You can always get "Dungeenering for assholes" and get a quick go on cheap tricks for every D&D situation"

#33 to #29 - whitenerdy (03/10/2015) [-]

dnd 3.5 was 35-ish pages, and compared to Shadowrun or Warhammer 40k for example, it's really nothing

#34 to #33 - whitenerdy (03/10/2015) [-]

350*

+44

#11 to #2 - anon (03/10/2015) [-]

no one of these stories follow the rules anyway

+16

#53 to #11 - anon (03/10/2015) [-]

To be fair following the rules is less fun than bending them

+67

#1 - sptnfouroneseven (03/10/2015) [-]

Things like this remind me whey I started playing D&D

#56 to #1 - alucardexplain (03/10/2015) [-]

Things like this are why I haven't stopped.

+110

#3 - nmurphy (03/10/2015) [-]

Beautiful

#44 to #3 - ignusim (03/10/2015) [-]

That gif is ******* hilarious

+47

#7 - eyelaughdahame (03/10/2015) [-]

The best meal of the day. Especially when it's for dinner.

#62 to #7 - burritosupreme (03/10/2015) [-]

The first guy is frightening looking

+17

#74 - volcanicdiarrhea (03/11/2015) [-]

We have a paladin of Ares in our party. His name is Stu.
Ares is a true neutral god, but will help if it is for more war and battles.
Outside of war, Ares isn't very pleasant, even to his devout Paladin.
And I am a rogue. True neutral, a bit unpredictable.
Sometimes I do stupid **** just to see what will happen.

One day, Stu looks to Ares for guidance.
I whisper to him, "Hey... Stu... You talking to Ares?"
He replies, "... Yeah...?"
"... Tell Ares I sad 'Hi'"
DM tells me to roll for it.
Nat 20
Ares hears me, directly, and replies "... I like this guy."
Stu just says "... I'm still on hold..."

#79 to #74 - funnyguyz (03/11/2015) [-]

quick question... Because these posts are always ******* funny I've started to get curious. are these D&D matches played irl? Or is there some online game somewhere where I can play?

#97 to #79 - anon (03/11/2015) [-]

The majority of matches are IRL. Using an online aid can be fun but just takes some of the life out of DnD. It just doesn't always work.

#100 to #79 - volcanicdiarrhea (03/11/2015) [-]

I always play at a table with the DM and the rest of my party.
I tried playing across Skype and similar, but it just isn't the same.
In my opinion, it's something you have to get together and play with friends.
Try it, see what works.

+57

#6 - cloakndagger (03/10/2015) [-]

I went out for a cigarette after reading this. Had me laughing smoke all through it. If this isn't at least top 5 by the end of the day, I'm going to give this entire site lung cancer.

#98 to #6 - macacobr (03/11/2015) [-]

**** you, ****** . I've just quit smoking. YOU'LL GET CANCER

#99 to #98 - cloakndagger (03/11/2015) [-]

I know, but at least I'm saving forests from tar monsters by trapping them in my lungs. That's what the anti-smoking ads say, anyway.

#36 to #6 - phuzebox (03/10/2015) [-]

I only liked it because I didn't want lung cancer. Gif related, what I did by liking this post

#68 - empithree (03/10/2015) [-]

I don't have enough geeky friends to play D&D with

#75 to #68 - zaiopeperse (03/11/2015) [-]

There are these skype groups for funnyjunk tabletop players I'm in. I could get you in there if you'd like

#106 to #75 - cloakndagger (04/02/2015) [-]

If you don't mind dealing with having a newfag around, and telling me how to get started, I'd be happy to get a piece of that action too. I've wanted to get into tabletop for years now, probably ever since I was like 15, but I never met anybody that shared my interest and was open about it. Never really knew who to go to.

#107 to #106 - zaiopeperse (04/08/2015) [-]

I know I don't mind

#48 - ChewyConor (03/10/2015) [-]

I've seen a lot of posts about this but never bothered to look into it. How does D&D work to play? Can I get a quick run down of the game?

I could google it but someone here will probably give me a better explanation.
Dndxplain?

#49 to #48 - dndxplain ONLINE (03/10/2015) [-]

yo.
well, basically you take bonuses from specific stats and add them to a dice roll. for dnd they use a d20, or a 20 sided die.
let's say you have a 15 in craft, and to make a bow you need a 20. the lowest you could roll is a 5.

other than that, it's entirely up to you to solve your problems.

attacking is done by basing your roll (plus the character stats) vs the opponents armor class (abreviated AC). there's house rules about who wins, if your AC is a 15 and the enemy rolls a 15. it could be defender wins, in which you wouldn't get hit, or attacker wins, where you wouldn't get hit.

spells... are more complex, but can be explained by "read what the spell says"

#63 to #49 - sacrilegious (03/10/2015) [-]

Do all the explains use the same avatar, or is all the same guy?

#64 to #63 - dndxplain ONLINE (03/10/2015) [-]

edits to the same picture.
look up blue beetle laughing or something like that
comicexplain might be able to tell you where it's from exactly

#65 to #64 - comicexplain (03/10/2015) [-]

Do know that it's Blue Beetles signature belly laugh! Bwaaahahahaha!

#66 to #65 - dndxplain ONLINE (03/10/2015) [-]

get hyped
www.dailydot.com/geek/marvel-trademarks-squirrel-girl-for-possible-movie/

#67 to #66 - comicexplain (03/10/2015) [-]

Already seen! It'll be interesting, if they do it right. Sadly, there's not a bunch of SG comics out, and the ones that are recent don't depict her at her fullest via narrative.

BUT

I think it'll be awesome for younger viewers!

#78 to #67 - fruzzinoid (03/11/2015) [-]

I ******* love squirrel girl!

#71 to #67 - dndxplain ONLINE (03/10/2015) [-]

I agree

#51 to #49 - ChewyConor (03/10/2015) [-]

That's cool, but fundamentally what is the objective, how does a game get played? I know very little about it. I've always assumed it was something like HeroQuest, but I honestly have no idea.

#52 to #51 - dndxplain ONLINE (03/10/2015) [-]

it's turn based during combat, and basically like any open world game. The DM narrates the story, the players react how they wish. basically improv.

as for the goal, it differs. there are official questlines, but you can easily make up your own story to it.
it could be anything from "go get this" to "go kick this dude in the dick"

#5 - stimtheone (03/10/2015) [-]

I honestly prefer pathfinder to DnD. Simpler, better, awesomer, and it just feels better. I feel that people play DnD out of tradition or wish to make some cheesed character.

#15 to #5 - stely (03/10/2015) [-]

Could you please explain some differences? I'd like to try it, as DnD4e combat takes way too long, and I don't want to force the other guys to learn 3.5.

#16 to #15 - stimtheone (03/10/2015) [-]

Well, I don't know much about DnD, but I've heard a lot of complaints and looking at skills and such it's a pest to get to.
You've got your str/dex/con/int/wis/cha, 10 being the average, anything below or above gets a bonus to associated stuff like skills, hp, saves and DCs and whatnot for every two points, with 10/11 being 0, 12/13 +1 and so on
combat is on initiative, which is on dex, some skills from dnd have been compressed into one, with perception taking place of spot, listen and possibly search and stealth instead of hide and move quietly.
You've got classes that you can take pure or multiclass, but the first is usually the favored class, and when you level up in your favored you get either 1 extra hp or skill rank or racial class bonuses.
And this could take a while, but mechanics-wise, things go smoothly, there is little room for cheesing and the like, but some things are known to be more powerful than most (especially well built wizards in later levels) and PF characters tend to be more powerful than other d20 characters, but you're facing things worth your salt. Always remember to pack a healer or something to heal or you'll spend days on healing naturally or fortunes on potions, which kinda suck since crafting needs an overhaul.
There are a good amount of third party stuff that add cool, but sometimes op things, and psionics is something you should look into.

#17 to #16 - juter (03/10/2015) [-]

**** psionics, you dont need that ****

#57 to #5 - alucardexplain (03/10/2015) [-]

Pathfinder is essentially Dnd 3.75, and its pretty great. I like dnd 3.5 for its infinite options, and Pathfinder for being smoother in most areas.

#85 - ThatsSoFunnyHeHe (03/11/2015) [-]

Makes me wish I had friends.

#73 - kristovsky (03/11/2015) [-]

The Breakfast God truly is sick and twisted one. The Based God on the other hand...

#43 - genericcomment (03/10/2015) [-]

#77 - akkere (03/11/2015) [-]

They were probably going to have to resort to cannibalism at some point. The Breakfast God just made the process a little less traumatic.

#37 - hattheifbatman (03/10/2015) [-]

what an egg celent endint

#105 - psychologyxplain (03/28/2015) [-]

Eating while sobbing? Sounds like every meal of mine

#103 - atrocitustheking (03/20/2015) [-]

Oh sweet merciful lord... my sides...

#94 - sephirothpwnz (03/11/2015) [-]

#91 - AreyouSerious (03/11/2015) [-]

It just him crying and quietly muttering "It's so good." as he eat them

#90 - hattheifbatman (03/11/2015) [-]

i should play d&d, but first i need people

#104 to #90 - sketchE (03/28/2015) [-]

youre on a site full of people with internet connection. some of us would be more than willing to play with you

#84 - chimi (03/11/2015) [-]

i had no idea dnd could be so hilarious before fj

#89 to #84 - xxshadowdancingxx (03/11/2015) [-]

Dnd always has the potential to be hilarious. I played with one group that consisted of three rednecks and a couple stoners and another group that was two Germans and a few people who spent most of there time on the internet. That last group almost turned into a Neo-Nazi faction.

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[ 107 comments ]