My Dirty Secret

My name is Tanis Robert Annicchiarico. I have tried to kill myself about 3 or 4 times. After my ex-girlfriend broke up with me last year (two days before our year and eight month anniversary) things went downhill. My mom almost died from dual bi-lateral pulmonary embolisms. She became an alcoholic and started beating me and my dad (I'm 19). I punched her in the face one night when she went for my little brother. She hit me over the head with a piece of sheet rock and sent me to the hospital with a serious concussion and a nearly fractured skull. I had my aunt who passed away, and then my friend was shot and killed within the same day (They say it was gang related, I say that it was because he was gay). My cat I have had since I was a young Tanis died in my arms. My uncle (who was married to the aunt who passed away) killed himself two days after her death. I was diagnosed Manic-Depressive with Major Depression as well as a sever anxiety disorder (Sometimes I get panic attacks so bad I pass out). The only good thing I had was my job, working with Autistic and other Developmentally disabled children, but I was fired from that job after I got arrested for a CPM (Criminal Possession of Marijuana). I was sent to rehab by a judge who is addicted to heroin like substances and sold pot when he was a kid (My dad grew up with him). A couple days ago, my friend Jamie and I got into an argument in which we had a fist fight. I won, and told him to "Fuck off you kraut cunt". He ran across the street...but the Ford F-150 made sure he didn't make it. I have lived in constant depression, contemplating suicide every day. I stay up at night and cry, and my Insomnia won't let me sleep for 4-6 days at a time. The only solace I've had is talking to my FJ friend Loveyameanish. She has been a fucking SAINT with everything. If it wasn't for her, I would have killed myself a while ago. Now though...things are getting harder. Almost every thought that goes through my head is of killing myself. As I sit at the computer right now, I'm playing with my switchblade...just thinking. I'm not posting this for feels, or for thumbs. I'm not posting this for sympathy or pity. I'm posting this because I need a distraction for tonight. If you read through this then thank you, it means a lot. For anybody on here who feels the same way or needs to talk to someone, send me a message. I'm more than happy to talk to you and do my best to make you feel better...somebody should be happy at least.