This is a compilation of all the dirty secrets that make me a pretty weird guy.
1. I take my clothing off when I poop.
2. I can never wear anything more than my underwear when I sleep
3. I keep my blankets and pillows in the refrigerator to keep them cool all summer long.
4. I like a little background music when I pee.
5. If I'm feeling adventurous, I sleep in the garage with no pants.
6. I peel oranges with my fists so that I can eat the skin.
7. I cannot eat milk if it has been out for more than two minutes.
8. I brush my teeth with my finger and some toothpaste.
9. I drink whiskey in the shower when the water is too cold, because I am too lazy to turn the knob.
10. I walk down the street pissing backwards.
11. I yell vulgar Serbian terms at children I do not like.
12. I am banned from Alley Pond Park in New York for picking up my dog's poop with my hands and showing it to people.
13. I am banned from Central Park in New York for picking up my own poop with my hands and showing it to people.
14. When I worked at a convenience store, every time I had a bad day, I broke all the butter fingers.
15. My dick sweat smells like my ass sweat, though I think my underwear is just backwards.
16. I push my jabba-like moobs together and pretend I'm a woman sometimes.
17. I'm not a hipster, I'm just naturally different.
18. I read Everybody poops every night to remind myself that I am a healthy human.
19. I put batteries in the refrigerator to keep them fresh.
20. I once used a shop vacuum to jerk.
21. I have no idea how a tampon works.
22. I can sweat through the couch better than any other man.
23. When I first came to the USA, I made the mistake of thinking that racism was not at all a serious topic.
24. I don't wipe my ass, instead I use the shower water to clean out my anus.
25. I bite my thumbnails with my ass.
26. I bite my ass with my thumbnails.
27. When I pick my nose, I usually flick my boogers on to people I am not very fond of.
28. I have headless mannequins in my room, and I cannot sleep without them.
29. I kick open doors because I'm too lazy to use my arms.
30. I beat my wood with my other wood.
When I poop, I talk to myself in the mirror.