I'm making a 2nd version soon, so I'd like some feedback. Right now I'm:
Changing Thaddeus quest to enhance the Order's soldiers
Adding a little bit to the King's Ascent to enhance the Reds a bit
5 disciplines instead of 4
Altering some of the drawbacks and boons
Colour coding the companions
personally I tend to avoid CYAO with stats in them like str, int, agi,etc. It's awesome if you RP with them but if you dont... it feels rather useless...
unless 7 str means "can crush boulders with their pinky" or stuff like that, I wont care what the stat indicators say.
also, what would even be the difference between the weapons and items? its nice that they are there but, they are more restrictive than that they give me options.
I was mainly interested in the boons and drawbacks as those are what could set me apart from the garbageman on the street corner :/
The quests and enemies are nice, but those are obviously scenario's a Dungeon master could use.
I feel like I dont really give a damn about what quests or enemies I get since most options give me almost the same result. (not including the boons and drawbacks)
as a base to RP with, this "CYOA" is great. but as a general CYOA where you dont RP with dice and such... it feels out of place.
Personally i think 4 disciplines is enough already since it both allows you to do something like hybrid builds or a full specialisation in any liked direction but if you add more choices you could consider adding more disciplines aswell. You could for example add something that works well with charisma which could allow you to either deceive better, read people better, negotiate better, make people like you or others, make people dislike others and stuff like that if you want. Maybe you could add a discipline like "hybridisation" aswell which allows you to combine 2 disciplines. Magic of course split into either of the 3 categories or high tech guns, swords, armors or combinations between magic and tech could fall into this. Basically anything that people find a reasonable explanation for which constist out of 2 disciplines. More skills might be another way to add more choices without making characters able to pick too much stuff of the avaiable stuff at once. But this are just different tastes if i think the amount of disicplines are fine and others dont and we add more disciplines with 5 choices people will ask for 6 and so on so i guess you should just do which you think fits the best there.
More Items, companions, races, drawbacks, quests and final foes are always welcome obviously though i think your cyoa looks very nice as it is already.
The character Valadhiel alorien uses the official janna art from league of legends or something which was that at some point at least, don't know whether they changed that .
When seeing artwork out of a videogame and other fiction that you know it might be a bit immersion breaking. I suggest swapping that out for at least something less people know about or at least a less important character or even better an Archetype in something less people know about if you find anything fitting. While for example Venna Crashwave is a Naga sea witch from the WoW universe (and image is the official art of the Hearthstone Card) i think it is less immersion breaking since it is just the look of an archetype rather than an individual charcter which has its own individual characteristics, background, attributes and so on in the actual fiction.
It would also be nice if the quests all had some form of reward (some already do, some don't though) and maybe a choice for that. For example:
Our Ancestors:
a) The Search for the power of the ancestors was futile. However there were many powerful artifacts hidden in the temple. Ravenhalls troops get access to stronger weapons, ancient magical knowledge and forgotten technology. You can choose one additional boon which includes an item and the troops of Ravenhall tend to do 30% better in battle on average.
b) Whether the power of the ancestors was greatly overestimated or whether we only managed to return a fraction of its original power is unknown. Through a ritual within the labyrinth the party managed to increase the power of all Ravenhall races ... to some extent. Humans tend to grow both a bit bigger and stronger now, Dwarves are even more resilent than before and the gnomes manage more tinkering feats than ever before. The Skywraths grow stronger mucles which allow them to fly higher and longer than before and the Elves are another step closer to moving as nimble and quick as the wind itself as told in the old stories.
The Ravenhall races get:
Humans: Height +10cm, STR +1, CON +1, AGI +1
Dwarves: STR +2, CON +2
Skywraths: STR +2, AGI +1, Flying is less tireing than before
Gnomes: INT +3, WIS +1
Elves: AGI +3, further improved Senses
Just an example i tried to make but making this or something similar for all quests might take quite a while.
I think this CYOA looks very nice already as it is and even if you would ignore everything i wrote here it would come out very nice in the future. Just wanted to point this out since wrote alot of criticism and don't want to look like the finicky guy out here to ruin the fun.
I actually thank you a lot for the response, because there's a lot of ***** on /tg/.
A lot of them were complaining about Kitsune being with the orcs, and were total asses about it rather than just asking for a reason why the factions are the way they are. Which I'll include in the next one.
You could also try to split the companions visibly into groups depending on the faction. Just a small title with "x Faction / Neutral Companions" so its easier to see who you have to pay attention to when making your build.
For the most part, I'd say that the upcoming changes to it are pretty good. Not sure what else it needs
I would like a little more detail on skills, but meh
I also see a lot of Dota content in here and I love it
I really like your cyoa! I'd add a section for housing, like a home base for in-between quests and storing loot, but I'm a sucker for those, so it might just be me.
lady snaketess
flamemaw
julius blackbones
true bro (human, str: 7 agi: 7 con: 7 luk: 5 int: 5 wis: 5 cha: 6, melee 2 physical defense, two handed attrition knight, greatsword mail stimulant x2)
companion
siege of ravenhall
our ancestors
the golden horde
first: time magic = OP as **** . second: bombs + portals on demand = death from anywhere, anytime.
i go as a mage+alchemist specialized in artillery and army support. speed up time and you have rapid fire artillery, open a gate and you can fire canister rounds at point blank range at a kilometer away and drop bombs in the ranks. muh snake waifu is my second support and helps with offence with das sexy 20 int, true bro is our bodyguard, julius lols about with the corpses (raise dead through a portal in mid air? ha!) and fire maw can do the same. fire through portals, at close airborn units or anyone who is still alive. the siege? i am pretty sure that using portals with artillery counts as pretty unorthodox, especially since the alliance has the best magic races. our ancestors is easily the most difficult but firemaw is both extremely tough to be able to tank the traps we can't disable and me and snake waifu can just cast slow-mo so that the traps we activate can be dodged. the golden horde are pretty much the same as the general battles, just witter them down and if needed, retreat with portals and continue
Order
Ogre
STR: 10, AGI: 7, CON: 10, LUK: 6, INT: 6, WIS: 2, CHA, 4 basically a faster, smarter Ogre (due to wizard curse drawback, i'm unbelivably fast, even with heavy armor. the greatest benefit of this is not the speed itself, but the element of surprise i get from it. literally every enemy i face will severely underestimate my agility, and thus i can very easily land surprise attacks and catch my enemies unaware and underprepared. the extra intelligence is for better decicionmaking. i'm smarter than the average human, allowing me the ability to very effectively strategize, as well as solidifying my position as the party leader.
2 points in Melee Weapons and Physical Defence each. choosing the Martial skills of Two-handed, Attrition, Knight, and Charge. this makes me a juggernaught with great striking range, and the ability to both charge into battle quickly, and keep fighting for a long time
Equipment: Longaxe, Plate armor, Gauntlets, Helmet, and Smart hook i'm a fully heavy-armored ogre swinging a massive axe. i'd have chosen mace instead of longaxe, but the axe has an edge, which grants me some utility in terms of cutting things that i can't simply smash (such as the rope of a rope-bridge or so), Smart hook in case of quick, annoying ranged characters that try to kite me around, simply toss the hook at them and reel them in with supeiror strength and weigth.
Companions: Bony Tony, skeleton puns, that's all the reason i need to have him. besides, a frontline battle-bro is good to have.
Thoraga Longtooth, does ranged, has wolves. i'm an ogre, she's an ogre with tits. sounds like a great deal to me.
Palefang, party sorely lacking ranged, free food, won't like skelebro, but i'm sure the puns will prevail. she's a slow but accurate shooter, which is nice. we're a heavy armored ogre and skeleton at the frontline, with 2 wolves and a female ogre that does both melee and ranged. we don't need heavy supportive fire, what we need is someone to snipe off priority targets like pesky mages hiding behind a frontline while tossing annoying spells at me.
BOON: herd animal for my party, makes it easier for us to escape foes we can not defeat, and catch up to those that try to flee.
Drawback: Wizard Curse thus the stats , i'm an ogre, not exactly a sight to behold anyway.
Quests: Ironfront and The Maroon Mountains. we are an incredibly battle-oriented party, so the taking of Ironfront is something we're practically made for. considering my personal setup, i'm basically a fast, intelligent siege machine. and my party works incredibly well to support me.
for The Maroon Mountains, i'm relying on my companions. our wolves will make finding the raiders far easier, and considering they're poorly equipped and trained, i theorize that they would stand no chance in a battle with such a battle-oriented party as ours. and especially not be able to take down a heavily armored, and very agile and smart, ogre such as myself.
Final Foe: the golden horde.
again, my party is very battle-centered and basically works like a line-breaker with me as a heavily armored juggernaught, skelebro and ogre-tits watching my back, and the lizard to take out high priority targets that i can't get to.
basically my party's weakness is very powerfull mages.
but i'm assuming there aren't all that many of those in the poorly garrisoned Ironfront, nor among the raiders in the Maroon Mountains.
there might be mages among the centaur, but assuming my party gets stronger as we go, we should have no problem handeling them unless they come in great numbers.
since we'd be relying on our lizard markswoman to kill them, or at least keep them busy and/or hiding, while me and the rest of the party smashed our way through their front-lines.
Argueably splitting the points between wis and int might be better. Especially since wis is both magical defense and decision making (basically applying what you get from the int stat) and without it the int might be wasted on acknowledging things without reacting in a proper manner to it.
I guess you took Bony Tony for the fun of it but if you would take Silas Sternum instead your party would get a massive boost to their fighting strenght since having a time mage synergizes with your setup/battle mentality. Also might offer your group the basic knowledge against mages.
The Order of Stonehill
Brittle Knee McShare the Skeleton
STR:2
AGL:1
CON:10
LUK:5
INT:5+4
WIS:6
CHA:6
1 Telekenetic Magic,1 Physical Defense,2 Telephysical+1 from Traitor
Heal, Knight, Timewarp, Gatekeeper,+Brink
Gauntlet-$10, Wand-$8, Helmet-$7, E-Tool-$3,Plate-$20,Cure-All-$2, $50 Total
+25 Gold from Companion Perk,Cestus-5$,Morningstar-$5,Plate-$15 as Underarmor.
Blightscale, Ghorza Shuorbrook, and Hendimic McShare the Named and Properly Filed Soldier and somewhat acquainted Relative of Brittle in his Former life.
Longtime Companion, Likely an Imp Archer, Back lines Fighter, all into Luck
Grotesque, I'm a ******* Skeleton who cares
Traitor, Imp again, not necessary but he's neat.
Maroon Mountains and The Catacombs.
Definitely Black Knight, the Massacres would be quicker for his poor victims and the plague of his existence would spread slower.
Arquebus/Cestus/Musket Paper Cartridge/Linken's Sphere/Caltrops/Enchanted Mango(5)/helmet/nice boots/caltrops(20)
flamemaw/jill sootfoot/valadhiel alorien
strange herd animal/black king bar/magical horn
disfigured/all final foes
storming of gurks shield/prison break
Chop the horde, slay the blackfell knight general and move in to vanquish the alien. I am gonna be critfarming and using the time slow and telekinetic bullet guidance to get the perfect shots. At melee this troll is built to last and the knight is about to get ************* , as these anti-magical measures will be used against their enhanced bodies. Two blows of the horn will be used to magically harm the alien, one will be used to flank the knight.
Buddy wise got an elven healslut ********* , a demolitions petite who will help excavate the prison and a fellow frontline tanker.
Faction: The Alliance of Ravenhall
Race: Skywrath
Disciplines: Telethermal, Telephysical, Magical Weapons, Physical Defense
Skills: Counterspell, Time Warp, Expanse, Rogue
Items: Staff, Padded Gambeson, Nice Boots, ,Linken's Sphere, Floating Bedroll, Bottomless Canteen, 2 Stimulants
Allies: Albrecht Reuter, Lorelei Frei, Nameless Rank and File Soldier
Powerful Staff
Traitor: Nameless Rank and File Soldier
Extra Discipline: Telekinetic (if a skill comes with it I'd take Psion)
Siege of Ravenhall
Our Ancestors
The Golden Horde
Order, Ogre
STR: 10 +2(Wiz)
AGI: 6
CON: 10 +2(Wiz)
LUK: 6
INT: 4
WIS: 2
CHA: 4
(+5 to agi, so I can be a wrecking-ball, +2 to INT so I wouldn't be too stupid.)
2 Melee Attack, 2 Melee defence: 2H, Attrition, Knight, Charge.
(Big Weapon for big damage, loads of endurance to swing it around a lot, loads of armor to survive to swing a big weapon around a lot, charge to get close to people to swing a big weapon around a lot. Simple enough.)
Maul, Plate, Gauntlets, Helmet, Smart Hook.
(Maximum armor, Maul for loads of damage to everything plus thematic bonus of an Ogre with a maul, hook for grabbing onto stuff that's out of my reach and pulling them towards my maul.)
Allies: Marina, need a healer and defensive mage so we wouldn't get ****** by strong offensive mages.
Cannon Ogre because Ogre-Bros, plus he has ranged capabilities.
Palefang, Ogres gotta eat.
Boon:Herd animals, because Ogres gotta ride, too, and I didn't get magic boots.
Drawback: Wizard, I suck at Charisma anyway, that's why we have our 8 CHA healer, might aswell pump +2 points into Str and Con to be ******* invincible.
Quests: Ironfront + Catacombs, close-quarters melee battles are my thing, and maul as a crushing weapon does more damage versus skeletons in the catacombs, so why not.
Foe: Golden Horde, psychic **** is my weakness and the Blackfell Knight is apparently impervious to my attacks aswell, so I have to chose them.